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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 22/08/2020 19:17

I wonder if this hasn’t gone quite how @Elsiebear90 thought it might.

I also wonder if what Lily ‘said’ has been tidied up a bit and she was perhaps a little ruder/more childlike perhaps than is reported.

PaquitaVariation · 22/08/2020 19:17

Lily wasn’t being any ruder than all of you on here who are calling her names! She’s doing exactly the same thing - expressing an (very fairly, as it turns out) opinion about someone who’s not there. She’s just unlucky that Jack’s mum was listening in. Jack’s mum should have been the adult in this situation and just ignored her, or perhaps reflected on why she comes across as unfriendly to a 7yr old!

Redraptor · 22/08/2020 19:18

The response from @smallestleaf was spot on! Thank you for that

Lily didnt do anything wrong. If a 7yo didnt want to come to my home because I was "unfriendly" I'd be upset, not at them, I'd appreciate the honesty but I'd be upset with myself

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 19:19

I wonder if Jack's Mum stomped her foot when she said "You started it". She sounds the type

Bedroomdilemma · 22/08/2020 19:19

How on earth was the 7 year old rude? She was saying what she thought to her friend in that friends garden, she didn’t say to Jacks mum’s face she didn’t like her.

MsQueenInTheNorth · 22/08/2020 19:20

That wasn’t what Lilly said though, was it? She said she didn’t like them because they weren’t very friendly. And got told she wasn’t liked either.
7 year old or not, this is a good lesson for Lilly to learn that if she can dish it out, than she should be able to take it too.

Lily had a good reason for saying that she didn’t like them though. It wasn’t just her randomly saying that she didn’t like them, which would have been a bit rude. She wasn’t dishing anything out, she’s 7 Hmm

If your child told you that they hated you would you say “That’s ok, I hate you too!”.

YgritteSnow · 22/08/2020 19:23

@Winterwoollies

I wonder if this hasn’t gone quite how *@Elsiebear90* thought it might.

I also wonder if what Lily ‘said’ has been tidied up a bit and she was perhaps a little ruder/more childlike perhaps than is reported.

Why? Why do you wonder this?
PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 19:24

“I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”,

The only bit of that statement that could possibly be dodgy to an adult is the "I don't really like".

Possibly an adult would not say that, might say something like "I'm not sure about them" or "I don't know what to think about them", but she has picked up something about them and she is wary of them.

I can be a right harsh bastard, but I most certainly would never say that to a child.

mummmy2017 · 22/08/2020 19:24

I love to hear the conversation.
Adam's Mum.
Hi, uh Lily was upset that she was rude to you and you were rude back.
Jack's Mum.
Well Lily was being rude.
Adam's Mum.
Well Lily is only 7.
Jack's Mum.
Rude is rude.
Adam's Mum.
But lily didn't know you could hear.
Jack's Mum.
Oh so it's ok to be rude behind someones back. Maybe her mum should teach her some manners.

Minimumstandard · 22/08/2020 19:26

It's also rude to butt in on someone else's conversation, which is what Jack's mum did.

mummmy2017 · 22/08/2020 19:29

Bet Lily learnt to slag people off from her mum.

Nellisterr · 22/08/2020 19:33

@alexdgr8

i don't think the child was rude. she was simply stating her feelings and experience and supporting her friend adam. the woman was rather childish to make such a comment to a child. but she was within her rights too. you cannot pull her up on it. the child has to learn that this is life, some people are not very pleasant. we just avoid them and spend time with those who we enjoy being with. the child was confirmed in her estimation of this woman. she can be commended on her wise perception, ie keeping away from cold fuzzies type people places situations. well done.
This! Smile
Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 19:35

There is a back story here, but didn’t want to make the post overly long and confusing. So Adam’s mum fell out with Jack’s mum over the issue of Jack (primarily), his brother and his sister coming round her house and Lily’s house for years almost every day in the holidays and weekends, but Adam and Lily not being allowed over his. On the rare occasion Lily and Adam have been allowed over Jack’s house Jack’s parents have made it fairly clear they didn’t want them there (telling them off for making noise, asking how long they’re going to be there, not allowing them food or drinks despite them frequently being given both at other friends houses) and kicking them out after an hour for “breaking rules”.

Lily’s mum has confirmed that Jack’s parents are indeed not particularly friendly. However, I personally agree that it’s a lesson in that she should be more careful when expressing an opinion about people as it may get back to them or be overheard as it was in this case. I do think reacting like she did to a 7 year old was unreasonable though as she’s a small child and small children are not known for being tactful when expressing an opinion, she’s not from my experience rude or bratty at all, she’s always been very polite, well mannered and pleasant when I’ve been around her, but very sensitive.

OP posts:
Ijustreallywantacat · 22/08/2020 19:36

I love to hear the conversation.
Adam's Mum.
Hi, uh Lily was upset that she was rude to you and you were rude back.
Jack's Mum.
Well Lily was being rude.
Adam's Mum.
Well Lily is only 7.
Jack's Mum.
Rude is rude.
Adam's Mum.
But lily didn't know you could hear.
Jack's Mum.
Oh so it's ok to be rude behind someones back. Maybe her mum should teach her some manners.

THIS.

People are just bending over backwards to excuse the behaviour.

Is saying that you don't like someone rude in itself? No. Is it rude to do it within earshot of the person you are talking about? Yes!

It's not the biggest deal in the world, but now she knows. She will not be traumatised because she got told off.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 19:40

There is a back story here, but didn’t want to make the post overly long and confusing.

But could possibly put a different slant on the previous comments?

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 22/08/2020 19:40

Bet Lily learnt to slag people off from her mum.
You sound more childish than the children in this storey, Jesus fucking Christ.

QualityFeet · 22/08/2020 19:40

I don’t think Lily is a brat. She correctly identified that the parents weren’t friendly so she didn’t much like them. It’s sensible not to like people who are unfriendly and hopefully she learns not to care too much if people she doesn’t value don’t like her. The woman sounds horrid.

user1481840227 · 22/08/2020 19:41

I disagree that the 7 year old was being rude.
I've heard little kids say things like that about people in my estate and it never comes across like they're saying it to be rude...it's kind of just a matter of fact thing or sometimes they sound a little sad about it.

The woman clearly isn't very nice if that's the kind of thing she responded to a small child!!

CatteStreet · 22/08/2020 19:41

@PaquitaVariation

Lily wasn’t being any ruder than all of you on here who are calling her names! She’s doing exactly the same thing - expressing an (very fairly, as it turns out) opinion about someone who’s not there. She’s just unlucky that Jack’s mum was listening in. Jack’s mum should have been the adult in this situation and just ignored her, or perhaps reflected on why she comes across as unfriendly to a 7yr old!
Absolutely this. The 7yo child expressed a pretty factual opinion. The adult spoke childishly and spitefully to the child - lashed out when she should have had better control of herself. As Lily's mum I wouldn't be 'having a word', but I'm afraid Jack would no longer be welcome in my home.
ilovebagpuss · 22/08/2020 19:42

These replies are mostly very odd. I don’t think the child was being rude as she was not saying anything to an adult directly just voicing an opinion.
Why should we teach children they cannot have an opinion on someone it’s dangerous to say you must only speak and think fluffy thoughts about people. They probably are unfriendly.
It was just a statement of fact, it would be rude if she said it to the mum knowingly of course that would be wrong.
The mum sounds very childish Nothing to be gained by speaking to her just unfortunate she heard it.
I have said to my husband “I don’t really like them” of certain people does that make me rude? Only if you intentionally say it to be rude in someone’s face.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 19:43

Is saying that you don't like someone rude in itself? No. Is it rude to do it within earshot of the person you are talking about? Yes!

Are you meaning to say you don't like a person to someone else, or do you mean to tell the actual person you don't like them.

Ijustreallywantacat · 22/08/2020 19:43

I do think reacting like she did to a 7 year old was unreasonable though as she’s a small child and small children are not known for being tactful when expressing an opinion.

Small children learn how to be tactful through life experiences. Like this one. So imho you could say its a good job that Jack's mum said something.

Honestly, the more I read these responses, the more I sympathise with Jack's mum.

Beautiful3 · 22/08/2020 19:44

I think this is character building for her. She's learned a valuable lesson, not to say negative things about people unless shes 100 percent sure they're not around! The neighbour only told her what lily had said about the neighbour. So its tit for tat really. Ignore her and move on.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 19:44

@PhilCornwall1

Is saying that you don't like someone rude in itself? No. Is it rude to do it within earshot of the person you are talking about? Yes!

Are you meaning to say you don't like a person to someone else, or do you mean to tell the actual person you don't like them.

Actually ignore this, you were perfectly clear. One too many glasses for me I think. Grin
smallestleaf · 22/08/2020 19:46

Is saying that you don't like someone rude in itself? No. Is it rude to do it within earshot of the person you are talking about? Yes!

Can you explain why it is rude to say you don't like someone who is unpleasant to you, but it is not rude or unreasonable to be unpleasant to someone and then be affronted when they say they don't like you (to someone else)?

Everyone here is saying, 'Well Lily needs to learn the lesson that you don't say you don't like unpleasant people within their hearing.'
But why aren't they saying that the lesson here is, 'If you are unpleasant to people you have absolutely no grounds to be affronted if you hear them say you don't like you and don't want to be around you.'

Tbh the lesson I would like Lily to take is that it is perfectly ok to say that you don't like people who are actively rude and unfriendly to you, and you should hold firm to that right even if it pisses the obnoxious person off. That's on them for being obnoxious. (and OP has given even more details on that now).