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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

627 replies

Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 17:53

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

OP posts:
theprincessmittens · 22/08/2020 19:46

Lilly has learnt the truth of the saying 'You reap what you sow'

I would have replied exactly the same as Jack's mother, and wouldn't be very impressed if I got any blowback from it, either. 7 is old enough to learn that if you talk smack about someone, you might get it back.

Spiderbaby8 · 22/08/2020 19:48

Lily sounds a good judge of character

JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 22/08/2020 19:51

So its tit for tat really.
Exactly, tit for tat is what children do. As a grown adult who has learned impulse control and should have developed some sort of emotional maturity she should have known better than to resort to “I know you are but what am I” tactics.

All this has done has solidified in Lily’s head they infect Jack’s mum is unfriendly. If she had responded in a mature and adult way outlining why she thought Lily was being rude, maybe she would have “learned a lesson”.

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names.

Staffy1 · 22/08/2020 19:52

I bet if Lily apologised, Jack's mum would immediately accept the apology. She probably feels a bit bad about it, but quite a few of us would react like she did in the moment.

rosiejaune · 22/08/2020 19:54

I expect there is a reason Jack isn't allowed to play in their house, and Lily doesn't like them. They are probably horrible.

It's good that she has picked up on that and knows to avoid them.

NoParticularPattern · 22/08/2020 19:55

I don’t think Lily was rude. Yes she was if she said it in a horrible way deliberately in front of them, but from the way I read the OP she didn’t know they were there and was just saying why she didn’t want to go round there. We spend our lives telling our children that they should be independent, stand up for themselves and not be afraid to say when something makes them uncomfortable and she was doing just that. I mean ideally she wouldn’t have done it in earshot but if she wasn’t aware they were listening then you can’t blame her. A 7 year old can hardly be blamed for not falling over herself not to offend people she didn’t know were listening, a grown woman replying the way she did though? Yeah that’s not ok. I get shes annoyed, but she knows how old the girl is and that she’s made her feel unwelcome in the past. Yeah the truth hurts but you don’t get to blame being a child when you’re a fully grown adult.

However I don’t think talking to anyone is likely to help anything. Lily needs to learn to be mindful of what she says about people when they might be listening, but she was not wrong to voice what she did. She will get better at it when she’s older.

smallestleaf · 22/08/2020 19:56

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names

I actually find it quite disturbing...

queenofknives · 22/08/2020 19:57

@theprincessmittens

Lilly has learnt the truth of the saying 'You reap what you sow'

I would have replied exactly the same as Jack's mother, and wouldn't be very impressed if I got any blowback from it, either. 7 is old enough to learn that if you talk smack about someone, you might get it back.

"talk smack" jesus christ you must have had a sheltered life if you think a small child telling a friend she doesn't like you much is 'talking smack'. How incredibly childish and petty.
lyralalala · 22/08/2020 19:57

@Staffy1

I bet if Lily apologised, Jack's mum would immediately accept the apology. She probably feels a bit bad about it, but quite a few of us would react like she did in the moment.
If Lily apologised for the fact Jack's Mum overheard I'd bet Jack's Mum would want Lily to apologise for saying they were unfriendly or that she didn't really like them

The last thing Lily's Mum, or the Mum of any girl, should be doing is encouraging her child to apologise for how she feels. Girls and women are told to ignore their instincts and feelings far too often.

Ideasplease322 · 22/08/2020 19:58

I agree. Imagine being so insecure that you can’t bear to hear a seven year old says she doesn’t like you.

And not being self aware or intelligent enough to realise your childish response only served to prove the child’s instincts were correct.

queenofknives · 22/08/2020 19:59

@smallestleaf

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names

I actually find it quite disturbing...

It is very disturbing. I'm honestly surprised at how nasty people are prepared to be towards a small child.
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 22/08/2020 19:59

Jack's parents sound awful; Jack isn't going to keep friends long term with parents who behave in that manner.

Lily wasn't rude. She's 7. A year 2 child. So very young. She was describing how jack's parents make her feel and why she preferred being at Jack's house essentially, nothing wrong with that. Being overheard by Jack's rude mother is where she fell down, as she's not old enough to have that level of awareness.

Jack's mother is a grown up and should have acted as such.

CatteStreet · 22/08/2020 20:00

@smallestleaf

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names

I actually find it quite disturbing...

Agree with this.

For a site for parents, there are a lot of posters on here who seem to really not like children (sometimes including their own, but that's not what I mean here). There's a real vibe of 'adults must keep the little brats down' on quite a few threads.

Goawayquickly · 22/08/2020 20:01

I'm team Lily. She sounds like she was right about Jack's mum being unfriendly.

cockroachcrumble12 · 22/08/2020 20:01

Which one is your child?

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 20:01

7 is old enough to learn that if you talk smack about someone,

Talk smack???? Is this a thing?

PhilSwagielka · 22/08/2020 20:02

Lily was rude BUT she's 7. 7, for fuck's sake. Little kids are not the most tactful of people and a grown adult should know better.

Original poster
Elsiebear90 · 22/08/2020 20:03

@cockroachcrumble12 none of them, I don’t have children yet.

OP posts:
YgritteSnow · 22/08/2020 20:04

@smallestleaf

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names

I actually find it quite disturbing...

Yes. Very odd. Child is 7! My niece is 7. She's tiny and so sweet. She'd say something like this because she's little and doesn't have that much social awareness, like most 7 year olds.

This glee smacks of ascribing adult motives onto small children. Generally considered pretty toxic in RL.

Itisbetter · 22/08/2020 20:04

The last thing Lily's Mum, or the Mum of any girl, should be doing is encouraging her child to apologise for how she feels. but presumably she would be apologising for talking about the woman in front of her and making her feel sad, not for her feelings?

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 20:06

@theprincessmittens

Lilly has learnt the truth of the saying 'You reap what you sow'

I would have replied exactly the same as Jack's mother, and wouldn't be very impressed if I got any blowback from it, either. 7 is old enough to learn that if you talk smack about someone, you might get it back.

Talking smack? Even my teenagers don't use that.

She's a 7-year-old girl who said that she found Jack's parents unfriendly. She didn't say that his mother was a cross between Rose West and Myra Hindley ffs.

Bibijayne · 22/08/2020 20:06

Yikes. Children say rude things. But adults should not respond in kind.

lyralalala · 22/08/2020 20:08

@Itisbetter

The last thing Lily's Mum, or the Mum of any girl, should be doing is encouraging her child to apologise for how she feels. but presumably she would be apologising for talking about the woman in front of her and making her feel sad, not for her feelings?
Which if you read all of my post, rather than just that sentence, you'll see that was basically my point.

The posted I was replying to felt Jack's Mum would be happy with an apology. I think she'd expect an apology for what was said, which wouldn't be right (and sadly lots of parents do make their children, especially girls, give)

Bibijayne · 22/08/2020 20:08

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore is spot on.

doityourselfnow · 22/08/2020 20:08

*Yes. Very odd. Child is 7! My niece is 7. She's tiny and so sweet. She'd say something like this because she's little and doesn't have that much social awareness, like most 7 year olds.

This glee smacks of ascribing adult motives onto small children. Generally considered pretty toxic in RL.*

This!