Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

It's not a big deal. Lily now has learnt that what she says can be heard by other people AND yhat some people are indeed ticked off easily and can become quite childish. Good lesson to learn young.

There's another thread on here about a 14 year old boy who told his stepmum to 'shut the bloody hell up' because the stepmum mocked him. Comments are unanimous that the stepmum was in the wrong and it's fair enough for the boy to express anger at his boundaries being overstepped. (I agree.)

I'm just saying. The double standard is so blatant sometimes.

id tell the child not to worry too much, but to take it as a lesson to not say things in public that you wouldnt want someone to overhear.
Chances are, jacks mum has no strong feelings either way about Lily, but was just responding to hearing that she wasnt liked.

Jack is gonna be one lonely child with a mother not afraid to upset friends and their friends.

I don’t think what Lilly said was rude. All of us have have said to a friend that we don’t like another person. I do think this is a life lesson for her though. We are all absolutely entitled to not like a person, and to express that dislike. However if we say it out loud, we run the risk of being overheard. If we are overheard then the person we’re talking about is likely, and is entitled to be hurt and offended. If that happens then we need to be prepared for that person to retaliate.

Jack’s mother was wrong, she’s the adult and should have risen above it. I wouldn’t waste my time trying to talk to her though. Just ignore her, she doesn’t sound particularly nice anyway.

I had no idea it was rude to say someone isn’t friendly.

And to be honest it sounds true.

The other mother sounds immature. I wouldn’t want my child playing in her house!

It's what wankers call "a teachable moment"
No doubt little Lily has learnt to look around before speaking. And that words hurt adults as well.

If I heard a 7 year old child say that they didn’t like me very much because I wasn’t very friendly I would either a) rise above it, because I am an adult or b) be quite upset that they felt that way and think if I needed to modify my behaviour. Not shout at them over a fence and make them cry.

She was rude, so she’s just dealing with the consequences of that. Maybe she’ll think twice in future.

Saying “I hate Jack’s parents” or “I don’t like Jack’s parents because they wear horrible clothes and they smell funny” would be rude, all Lily did was express a (very accurate, obviously) opinion.
The only consequences she’s dealing with are the consequences of Jack’s mum being a nasty cow.

@smallestleaf

I really wonder why no one has pulled Adam up on 'rudeness' and 'gossiping' or being a 'brat' or any of the horrible things you've said about Lily. It's almost as if little girls are supposed to be seen and not heard and not allowed to have feelings and opinions of their own at all

This!

I’ve re-read the post and can’t see what Adam said that was rude??

Poster one It's almost as if little girls are supposed to be seen and not heard and not allowed to have feelings and opinions of their own at all

Poster two This is a great lesson for Lily. She should learn to keep her opinions on others to herself

Terrifying! People actually saying girls should not have opinions! This is 2020! But hey, girls, only have nice, kind opinions, nice, kind words, - doesn't matter how much of an arse someone is to you.
Just remember : Be nice to them!

I'm genuinely agog at some of these comments. That girls - even if someone is unpleasant to them - are not allowed to express - even if not to that person but to someone else entirely- that they don't want to be around that unpleasant person - not matter how mildly they express that - and Lily was very mild. And that if they do - they are 'bad girls'.

And that words hurt adults as well If you are an adult upset by the words of a seven year old you really need to take responsibility for that yourself and do some serious work on yourself.

@queenofknives I was thinking about that massive double standard too. Glad I’m not the only one.

@smallestleaf

i don't think the child was rude she was simply stating her feelings and experience

Yes she was. Tbh I am impressed by her ability to state clearly when she doesn't feel comfortable in someone else's presence and say that means she doesn't want to be in their presence. That should absolutely be supported to grow, not knocked out of her. Its especially important for girls who are often socialised into being 'kind' at expense to themselves.

Lily also has an excellent ability to read people's characters. She was dead right about Jack's mum.

Jack's mum is a ridiculous and childish individual. What a thing to say to a child. Of course Lily is upset, there is a huge power relationship going on here, as there is with all adults, and Lily, as a child, is on the powerless end of that. Frankly, any adult who responds like that to a young child is a bully.

I also agree with this post. Lily is good at stating her boundaries and the mother is clearly horrible.

I also agree with @queenofknives there is a massive double standard on this thread. Lily is a tiny dot and half the age of the boy on the other thread.

There could be a huge backstory that we don’t know about with Lily and this could just be one in a series of bratty incidents.

It’s a horrible thing for an adult to say to a child but some children are so very rude and full of themselves that I can imagine an adult feeling like “this is the last straw” and giving Lily a taste of her own medicine. She was unkind. It is problematic when adults, instead of correcting their child’s behaviour, step in and start a fight with any adult that has a problem with their child’s behaviour.

Maybe Lily will think twice now about being gossipy and rude. Not the nicest way to learn and not anything I’d ever do to a child but I’ll admit to have sometimes thought it in my head when on the receiving end of bratty antics.

I wonder if Jack heard this and the mother was upset that her child heard this and reacted without thinking. Something I would be tempted to do but hopefully wouldn’t. She may be kicking herself now and feeling bad.

@MintyMabel

What a horrid 7 year old. Someone needs to teach her some manners.

woah bit over the top? a) She is seven ffs b) She didn't know they were listening. They were the rude ones for listening to a private conversation c) She didn't insult them to her face which would have been an insult, just mentioned it in general conversation. Perhaps she should have realised that there was a good chance she might be overheard but, again, she's seven. they tend to do out of sight out of mind. d) it's not as if she said she didn't like them because they were ugly/smelled funny/boring - she said they weren't very friendly, which was subsequently proved true!

I don't like my neighbours (including their 8yr old child) but if I heard said child in the privacy of her own garden saying she doesn't like me because I'm not friendly (I'm not, but for good reason, they are horrible and have made my life a misery since they moved in!) I would just roll my eyes not get into a slanging match with her!

Lily will learn to keep her opinions to herself.

I’ve re-read the post and can’t see what Adam said that was rude??

He didn't say anything rude. Neither did Lily. That's the point.

Jack's Mum sounds like the biggest child among them.

Lily wasn't remotely rude. She was expressing her feeling of being uncomfortable to her friend.

What a co-incident that Jack's Mum stayed quiet through everything Adam said, but piped up when the child there without their mother spoke. Obviousy doesn't want to lose the amount of time she gets with her kid at Adam's house.

If I overheard a child of 7 expressing to their friend that DH and I were unfriendly and they didn't feel comfortable around us I'd be mortified and trying to workout why.

Tbh I am impressed by her ability to state clearly when she doesn't feel comfortable in someone else's presence and say that means she doesn't want to be in their presence. That should absolutely be supported to grow, not knocked out of her.

This. Also, what people are ignoring is that children Lily's age need to vocalise their feelings about people in order to properly comprehend them. Otherwise, they're so egocentric they think it is all about them ("she's unfriendly because it's something I've done", "he doesn't like me because there's something wrong with me"). They can't just tuck their thoughts away in the back of their mind like adults can.

Very few children of that age have the maturity to meet an adult, think "what an unpleasant person" and just move on in the way that a grown-up would do. Because of the power imbalance, an unfriendly grown-up is a big thing to children and makes them feel worried and scared...They shouldn't have to keep silent about these feelings (though maybe best to check the nasty adult isn't around before discussing them).

It's a shame that she felt upset about having her opinion confirmed. But I think it's a valuable lesson for Lily. When your gut feeling tells you someone is bad news, it's usually right.

Poor Jack, though.

I had no idea it was rude to say someone isn’t friendly.

That wasn’t what Lilly said though, was it? She said she didn’t like them because they weren’t very friendly. And got told she wasn’t liked either.

7 year old or not, this is a good lesson for Lilly to learn that if she can dish it out, than she should be able to take it too.

if she can dish it out, than she should be able to take it too.

She wasn't dishing it out. She wasn't insulting someone to their face.

"i don't think the child was rude
she was simply stating her feelings and experience

Yes she was. Tbh I am impressed by her ability to state clearly when she doesn't feel comfortable in someone else's presence and say that means she doesn't want to be in their presence. That should absolutely be supported to grow, not knocked out of her. Its especially important for girls who are often socialised into being 'kind' at expense to themselves.

Lily also has an excellent ability to read people's characters. She was dead right about Jack's mum.

Jack's mum is a ridiculous and childish individual. What a thing to say to a child. Of course Lily is upset, there is a huge power relationship going on here, as there is with all adults, and Lily, as a child, is on the powerless end of that. Frankly, any adult who responds like that to a young child is a bully."

100% this!

How on earth is it ‘unkind’ for a child to tell a friend that they don’t like going to a certain friend’s house because their parents don’t seem very friendly? I remember thinking this exact thing as a child. I’m just lucky I was never overheard saying it! It is not rude. You are entitled to state that you prefer not to be around people you find to be unfriendly. I cannot believe that anybody would think a 7 year old shouldn’t say that. When are they allowed to express an opinion then? Are they never allowed to dislike somebody? The only issue is that she was overheard, she just needs to be aware that people might hear her saying things they disagree with and respond to it. The fact that she very mildly expressed an opinion during a conversation with a friend does NOT make her rude. I come home and tell my husband which people I dislike and why, filling him in on particular events. It is much more strongly worded. That’s not rude either. It is normal. It would be rude to say it to their faces, but she didn’t realise she could be overheard. It’s ridiculous to hold a 7 year old child to a higher standard than an adult.

A grown woman telling a seven year old child that they don’t like them and that “they started it” is disgusting. As an adult, I am aware that there is a power imbalance when dealing with children. She should have been ashamed of herself. If she really thought it was out of order, she could have dealt with it in a much more mature way... since she is actually a fully grown woman and not a 7 year old child.

Totally agree with Smallest leaf. Lily did not realise the unfriendly neighbour was there, and of course she would prefer to play at Adam's house where she feels comfortable. Even what she said was not particularly rude. The way some of you are going on you would think the child had showered the woman with profanities! It would be good if Jack's mum learned from this, rather than Lily.

@Thisismytimetoshine

Of course the adult shouldn't have said that (she sounds a right old cow), but the child was being a rude brat, frankly.

7 year old don't have filters... There's no need to call her a rude brat!