Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

Of course not but If I said it out in the open and was overheard by the wife and she then turned around and said "That's fine, I don't like you either" it would be fair enough. I suppose the listen the 7 year old should learn is if you don't want someone to hear something you wouldn't be happy to say to their face then don't say it out in the open where you could be over heard :p

Yes, the lesson isn't - don't dislike people, or don't say you dislike people. It's not like the mother got her in trouble or shouted at her. It seems to have been quite a dry response really.

The lesson is that if someone overhears you saying what you think about them, you might be embarrassed, and you might hear that they feel the same. Which is an idea worth thinking about actually, it helps us put our own feelings in a bigger picture when we suddenly realise, as kids, that other people and even adults may also dislike us.

If my child had an experience like that, I'd be sympathetic that they felt hurt, and that I like and love them, but I'd point out that it's actually ok if people don't like us and some won't, and that maybe some care about saying things like that where you might be overheard is a good idea.

@Cohenlover

"Hopefully Lily doesn't overthink the Jack's Mum's reaction too much because the last thing that should happen is a another girl trained to never share her actual feelings and opinions with the people closest to her."

Unfortunately it seems that Lily has already started to overthink jack's mum's reaction. This is why the advice of mbosnz referring to it as "a storm in a teacup" and dontdisturbmenow as "it's no big deal at all" is so detrimental to little girls ,in encouraging them not to speak out in situations which make them uncomfortable.

It's so typical in how girls (and children generally, but mostly girls) are treated in terms of expressing their feelings.

People often seem to miss the connection between telling a 7-year-old to keep her opinions to herself and the fact so many adult women struggle to assert themselves, especially with partners and people close to them.

It's also interested that the complete assumption is that Lily cried because of what Jack's Mum said rather than it being, at least partly, to do with being embarassed or upset that she had upset Jack's Mum.

Children should always be encouraged to speak out about adults who make them feel uncomfortable. Even if that stings a bit when a kid doesn't like us for some reason it should still be encouraged in case the next person who makes them uncomfortable is doing so in a harmful way.

You misunderstand me cohenlover. When I say it is a storm in a teacup, I'm not minimising Lily's upset or that she should not speak up and out. However, what I am hoping is that it has not had in real life, the legs the whole situation has had on here, because I don't think that would be helpful or healthy for any of the protagonists! Especially given they are neighbours. . .

If you look at the gist of my posts, I am very much in favour of children feeling able to speak honestly and truthfully, and to have their feelings and opinions taken seriously (but also to be made aware of the pitfalls of 'wrong place and/or wrong time'. . .)

And really @itisbetter why are you concentrating on a seven year old child's responsibility for how they make fully grown adults feel (hmm) because the thread is about the child not the horrible neighbour. OPs interest (presumably) is the child’s experience not the horrible neighbours.
7 is a good age to start exploring what sort of person you want to be. I wouldn’t want to be the kind of person who hurt peoples feelings because I described them. Lily can if she likes

But when you see the vitriol to which Lily has been subjected by so called adults on this site, one has to wonder how their own daughters are treated if they dare to speak out. Also Lily was not in the wrong place, she was in he privacy of her friend's garden having a private conversation. Maybe this has struck a chord with certain people like me, a child of the 60's, where children, especially girls, were castigated for being assertive and compliance was encouraged. Some like me, ended up in abusive relationships, which of course still happens today.

Yes, it's not a good look how grown women, many of them mothers, have piled on a little girl whose sole error was not realising that she could be overheard in her garden, and that her neighbour was on the other side. There was no malice, or intent to be rude or to cause hurt.

When I say 'wrong place/wrong time' of course she had every right to be in her garden, it's just very unfortunate that at that time her neighbour was also in hers - as she too had every right to be!

For me, as a child of the seventies, I share your pain - if someone had been prepared to listen to what I had to say about a family member, a world of pain that still has legs to this day, could have been reduced or avoided. And not just for me.

It is so important for our children to know they can share their opinions and feelings with us about people, honestly and openly. I've told mine to always listen to their inner alarm bell, always know that me and Dad will listen to them, and do all that is needed to be done to protect them, and ensure they feel safe, and if they feel they need to run or scream, don't worry if it's a false alarm, or that you're being 'rude', get yourself where you know you'll be safe, and we'll sort out any misunderstandings or issues later.

I’m not sure I read any vitriol towards Lily. I must have missed that. I think learning what is good to voice and what isn’t is part of growing up.

mboznz👍

Can't fault the honesty on either side

You obviously haven't read the thread @itisbetter. It is full of vitriol towards this small girl.

@piscean10

this is a lesson for Lily to learn that if she says unkind things then there's a good chance that she's going to get the same in return. no I don't think your friend should have a word.

This.

Theres obviously a reason adams parents dont want other peoples children in their house. I wouldnt be wanting my children to go there.

I expect given the interaction with Lily gives such different impressions the thread does too

Obviously the grown up woman was a total bitch to be so nasty to a small 7 year old child!

And anyone saying the child was rude - she wasn't talking to the adult in question, wasn't talking back, simply said she didn't like them as they are not friendly. That's not rude. That's fact for a 7 year old child!

See, I'm also not prepared to say that woman was vile, or a total bitch, or anything else. She's clearly not in a good space at the moment, and I believe her response was neither proportionate, nor appropriate. I hope that normally, her response would be more measured and age appropriate.

I feel bad for Jack being caught up in the middle of all this. Poor lad.

@Mumsn0t I've been thinking that. He has friends who want to play with him and his mum is preventing that from happening by getting into arguments with them.

I've been thinking that. He has friends who want to play with him and his mum is preventing that from happening by getting into arguments with them.

Same here. Adam brought up that they couldn’t go over leading to Lily’s comment so it’s already known between the children who want to play with him that they are not welcome and then her behaviour in front of Adam’s mom towards Lily didn’t help matters who was already not on friendly terms with her. Jack’s mum bringing up what happened with Lily’s mum and then storming off adds to the conflict even more. It’s just a downward spiral, isn’t it?

Jack's Mum could have money worries and no food.
An abusive partner.
None of us know if she has medical issues.
So shame on you for making up story's about her
Because right now you lot are worse than Lily

Mummy2017 Because right now you lot are worse than Lily

What a ridiculous comment worse position than aimed at people who defend the rights of a 7 year old girl to have an opinion which turns out to be fact.
I am sitting on my bed unable to walk, as currently going through yet another Multiple Sclerosis attack. which affects my spine and therefore my legs. I could never refer to a small child in the derogatory terms that "you lot" have used. To think grown adults (most probably women) can behave like this and hold such opinions, I find very disturbing. Anyway you can't argue with people who hold such entrenched viewpoints. It would be like trying to argue with Trump.

Delete worse position than

I was going to say I am probably in a worse position than Jack's mother yet would never behave as she has done. I have very little money as am having to live on a small teacher's pension, less than £500 per month, Not yet old enough for the state pension. I have been in a relationship of serious domestic violence because from childhood I was told my opinion didn't matter. I was a girl and should be compliant. At least Jack's mother can walk.

I am sure no matter how awful our lives could be, most people would not take it out on a child. At least, I would hope so.

I think more people than would be prepared to admit it, even to themselves, could find themselves behaving towards a child in a manner they would never normally consider, given sufficient stresses and strains in their own lives.

Only just seen this, but going to reply anyway...
Lily was probably just thinking out loud. Most of us have done it at some point in our lives. Jack's mum was pissed off because she heard someone say that they didn't like her. That person being Lily, who is just a little girl. JCk'sxmum is a grown woman and should maybe argue over the fence with people her own age, or better still, she shouldn't be arguing over the garden fence at all. It's a lesson to Lily, on that you never know who might be listening nearby. Jack's mum sounds bit childish and needs to grow up.