Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

@Bibidy

Guessing you miss this part?

*Thanks for your replies, my friend bumped into Jack’s mum this morning while walking her dog, said hello, but as per the advice on the thread wasn’t going to bring it up and had told Lily to be more careful when she’s talking about other people as it can get back to them, and that also in life sometimes we don’t like people and they don’t like us.

Anyway Jack’s mum actually brought it up by saying “I think I upset your Lily the other day” my friend said she felt a bit awkward and didn’t really know what to say so just said “Yes you did, she didn’t know you were there and she’s sorry that you heard what she said”. Jack’s mum then said she’s been under a lot of stress lately and the last thing she needs is to hear the neighbourhood kids “slagging her off and getting involved in an argument between her and Adam’s mum”. My friend then said that she’s sorry to hear that, but Lily wasn’t “slagging her off” as she’s 7, and that she’s allowed to have an opinion on someone, she just should have been more careful about voicing it. Jack’s mum became a bit hostile at this point and said that since all the kids clearly don’t like her because she’s so unfriendly they shouldn’t mind not going in her house, so now everyone will be happy, and walked off?!*

@phoenixrosehere

It's unbelievable that people can talk about small children this way. It's disturbing

It is, but not surprising, especially when it comes to girls. Notice how Adam bringing up Jack’s house and how they’re not allowed over there leading to her expressing this view is ignored. I bet if it was Adam saying this, he’d gotten off way lighter than Lilly has.

How many posters would be using bitching about a boy?

Yep, I brought up these points some pages back. I had to leave the thread for a while though, because honestly the number of posters who want to express cruelty and aggression towards a small child is genuinely frightening to me. It makes me wonder if I have been naive to think most parents/adults are kind and loving towards children. Going by this thread there are a large number of adults who dislike children and gleefully say unkind things given the chance.

Also, many of the posters saying Lily was not rude and didn't do anything wrong are repeat posters like me - the same people making this point over and over. The Miss Trunchbulls seem to outnumber the Miss Honeys by a large percentage!

@phoenixrosehere Yes! Thanks, I did.

It was an extremely rude and immature response by Jack's mother. She was not behaving like an adult at all, and proved that she was indeed not very friendly! At the same time, it might have been a good thing for Lily to learn the lesson early that one should not go around making comments about a person that one would not risk saying to their face.

"Going by this thread there are a large number of adults who dislike children and gleefully say unkind things given the chance.The Miss Trunchbulls seem to outnumber the Miss Honeys by a large percentage!"

The fact that such people are parents is what I find so disturbing.

It does sound, especially from the update, as though there is some friction between Jack's mum and Adam's mum, and that the former 'took it out' on Lily. Perhaps she thought that Lily was part of a gossip-ring.

I'm guessing if Lily was expressing her feelings about your child in the playground you wouldn't be quite so sanguine about it, and protective of her mental health?!

If she said that my child had been unfriendly to her, I’d ask my child about why she thinks that.

If I had been in Jack’s mum’s position, I would have thought about our interactions beforehand and or ask her why instead of automatically retaliating and then telling her not to cry and say that she started it as if I were a 4 year old!

I love children and am a mother. Still think Lily was rude and Jack's mum was within her right to reply. Not saying I'd have the guts to do it but I would be thinking it for sure.

"Perhaps she thought that Lily was part of a gossip-ring."

Such a mature thing for an adult to think re a small child- - Not.

@Bibidy

Yet you said:

*I just don't think it's a big deal, certainly not enough for Lily's mum to go round and speak to Jack's mum about it. What would she even say?!

If I were Lily's mum I'd just be wiping the tears away, telling her not to worry as not everybody gets along and wants to be friends, and reminding her to be a little careful of who's listening when she speaks as words can hurt feelings.*

Lilly’s mum did talk to her about it as you said you would, but she didn’t bring it up with her, Jack’s mum did, and then stormed off like a tot when she didn’t get the reaction she wanted.

I love children and am a mother. Still think Lily was rude and Jack's mum was within her right to reply. Not saying I'd have the guts to do it but I would be thinking it for sure.

I hope you'd manage to interject (not so much reply, given that Lily wasn't talking to her, and wasn't aware she was there) at a slightly more adult level - maybe saying, 'you might not be aware Lily, but I'm in my garden and heard what you said, and it rather hurt my feelings'.

Lily is a child, she is learning, and that way, she could learn to be aware of her surroundings and mindful of what she said about people when they might be in a position to overhear it. She didn't set out to deliberately hurt or upset the adult, she was giving an honest response in a conversation between her and another child.

I think telling her not to cry and that she started it is being honest. Manners cost nothing. If my son was rude about someone and they over heard, yes it wasn't intentional but dont cry about it. Say sorry and it's done.

The Miss Trunchbulls seem to outnumber the Miss Honeys by a large percentage!

I love that analogy and unfortunately so.

Can only imagine what Jack’s mum is like to other kids.. I wonder by her statement if Lilly isn’t the only child to have said something...

I feel sorry for Jack actually, as his mum is putting obstacles in the way of him having friends at his house for play dates. These are kids who want to play with him, and he's the one who's missing out really.

@ILoveFood87

I think telling her not to cry and that she started it is being honest. Manners cost nothing. If my son was rude about someone and they over heard, yes it wasn't intentional but dont cry about it. Say sorry and it's done.

She didn't start it. If we're going to be petty and crib about starting it then it was Adam that started it.

But he's a boy so that's ok...

I was always taught, even as a child, that it's rude to listen in on other people's private conversations, and that eavesdroppers seldom here any good of themselves. As you say, manners cost nothing. . .

My friend then said that she’s sorry to hear that, but Lily wasn’t “slagging her off” as she’s 7, and that she’s allowed to have an opinion on someone, she just should have been more careful about voicing it.
So defensive of Lily's right to express her opinions...
Your friend was rude and childish to respond this way to someone telling her she's been having a hard time.
Yeah, well; she's allowed to have an opinion.
Have you no idea how that sounds, op? 🤦‍♀️

Manners cost nothing

Yet, where were Jack’s mum’s manners as well as her maturity for that matter.

Lilly’s a child and as said countless time she is still learning.. Jack’s mum being an adult shouldn’t still be and could have actually put some thought into her response vs reducing herself to a child’s level below the one she is dealing with. Lilly had learned her lesson and Jack’s mum could have stopped but, no, then told her not to cry and that she started it. That is a juvenile response for an adult. I don’t care how stressed she was. She then proceeds that behaviour with Lilly’s mum when she brought up what happened.

@Thisismytimetoshine

I think it sounds as though lily was talking to her friend and expressing her feelings to that friend. Shouldn’t we all be able to do this freely with people we are close to? For our own mental health? There are no mental health benefits for a 7 year old announcing she doesn't like another child's mother. I'm guessing if Lily was expressing her feelings about your child in the playground you wouldn't be quite so sanguine about it, and protective of her mental health?!

If we are going by the exact same thing that happened here - a child saying the exact same words and being overheard - then actually I would be explaining to my child that though it's understandable that she is upset to have heard that, not everyone will like us in life and sometimes for no reason or a reason we do not think is fair. There will be times when we do not like other people too. And that is ok. I would explain to my child that it is up to her if she wants to tell the other child that she heard and seek to rectify the situation or lf she wants to understandably stay away from them as that is her right to choose too.

It would be different if a child were being nasty to her or about her in the playground. But saying you do not really like someone as they're not friendly in your opinion isn't nasty.

I also have to say one thing I struggled with as a child was the idea that I needed everyone to like me. That came from a mother who did not react well when people didnt like her due to her own self esteem issues and this idea that if you go over the top doing nice things for people they will like you. It doesnt work like that in reality and that was a much harder lesson to learn than accepting people will just have those opinions and learning to deal with that. It is probably unsurprising I ended up in a DV relationship and did everything to be liked.

"I also have to say one thing I struggled with as a child was the idea that I needed everyone to like me. That came from a mother who did not react well when people didnt like her due to her own self esteem issues and this idea that if you go over the top doing nice things for people they will like you. It doesnt work like that in reality and that was a much harder lesson to learn than accepting people will just have those opinions and learning to deal with that. It is probably unsurprising I ended up in a DV relationship and did everything to be liked."

Yes it's a very dangerous concept Newmumatlast. I too speak from experience.

Your friend was rude and childish to respond this way to someone telling her she's been having a hard time.

Bollocks was she. Jack's mum should never have used her personal problems as an excuse to speak to a young child like that. She is 7 FFS and only stated she didn't mind not playing at Jack's as she didn't find his parents friendly - in response to another child's comments. She never said she didn't like them. Just doesn't find them friendly. That's not slagging off.

I've had managers speak to staff like shit because their personal life was a mess. They got called out for it because it was unacceptable. Why on earth is it acceptable taking your personal woes out on a child? So Lily is somehow now responsible for the feud between two mothers, neither of which are hers?

Christ on a bike.

Why does Adam not get a telling off for bringing the issue up in the first place? (Not that he should, but right now I feel I'm in a parallel universe where children are considered a lower rank of human.)

'Such a mature thing for an adult to think re a small child- - Not.'

I certainly don't think she was acting like an adult over it, whatever the reason!

I feel I'm in a parallel universe where children are considered a lower rank of human.

Me too. And in this particular case the small child was far more mature than the supposed adult.

For god's sake. The kid was being a little bugger. End of.

@IAmMeThisIsI

For god's sake. The kid was being a little bugger. End of.

Well, isn't it nice that you have enlightened us all with your superior opinion