Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

Jack's Mum kinda proved Lily's point. She isn't friendly.

acatcalledjohn, just another one piling on the vitriol to this small child.

@IAmMeThisIsI

For god's sake. The kid was being a little bugger. End of.

How was she? Her friend commented about jack’s house and she called them unfriendly.

It was hardly nasty vitriolic names or over the top comments. It was a 7 year old expressing an opinion to a friend when she thought it was a private conversation.

It’s so so telling that Lily has been the subject of so much vitriol and name calling, yet Adam, who actually started the conversation has barely had a word said about him.

Jack's Mum kinda proved Lily point. She isn't friendly.

And to Adam and Lily’s mum.. Wonder if Adam told his mum what occurred..

Lily was having a private conversation in her garden with her friend. She expressed an honest opinion, and the reason why she held that opinion, in response to a statement made by her friend.

Unfortunately, the subject of that statement was in her garden, and managed to overhear Lily's private conversation with her friend and was upset by it.

Lily meant no malice, nor rudeness towards her neighbour who she didn't know was in the garden, and thus in a position to overhear.

Lily was not being 'a little bugger'.

@lyralalala Exactly. Because girls are held to higher standards than boys. It goes back to that old rhyme, that little girls are made of 'sugar and spice and all things nice', and little boys are made of 'slugs and snails and puppy dog tails'. Girls are supposed to behave like 'butter wouldn't melt'.

@Danni91

Mother sounds horrid - kids are only kids and you should never speak like that to someone elses child

Lily however needs a filter, whoops. Her mum needs to teach her its not ok to be mean to people

I suppose a little dose of what she gave is fair in theory. But i cant condone it but maybe thats because i couldnt bring myself to ever do that to my childrens buddies.

Agree entirely. It was cruel and immature of the adult to say that but the little girl needs to know that what she says can lead to hurt feelings.

And it’s girls whose silence damages them most often when they need to be able to speak out.
This thread is so un child- friendly it’s embarrassing for ‘mumsnet’.

@Elsiebear90

Genuine question for the people saying she was rude or “bitchy” (which I think is a terrible word to describe the actions of a small child), are your kids never allowed to say they don’t like someone? Do you tell them off if they do?

Also, do you live by this rule yourself? If your husband said he wanted to visit a friend at his house and you didn’t like his wife (because she hasn’t been friendly to you in the past), would you be rude to tell him so? Should you just bite your tongue and pretend you like her despite her being unpleasant? Or is it only little girls that aren’t allowed to say they don’t like people?

Of course not but If I said it out in the open and was overheard by the wife and she then turned around and said "That's fine, I don't like you either" it would be fair enough. I suppose the listen the 7 year old should learn is if you don't want someone to hear something you wouldn't be happy to say to their face then don't say it out in the open where you could be over heard :p

*lesson not Listen

I should have said ‘some on this thread are so in child-friendly’.

Lily was completely reasonable. She was having a discussion with her friend and explaining why she preferred playing at friends house.

How is that being rude/bratty/talking smack (ffs)?

Plenty of times I’ve told friends and DP I’d rather not go out with specific people for whatever personal reason. I’m not being rude or unkind or whatever.

I’d tell Lily she was clearly right Jacks mum is unfriendly.

The woman sounds unhinged going by the updates.

There is a back story here, but didn’t want to make the post overly long and confusing. So Adam’s mum fell out with Jack’s mum over the issue of Jack (primarily), his brother and his sister coming round her house and Lily’s house for years almost every day in the holidays and weekends, but Adam and Lily not being allowed over his. On the rare occasion Lily and Adam have been allowed over Jack’s house Jack’s parents have made it fairly clear they didn’t want them there (telling them off for making noise, asking how long they’re going to be there, not allowing them food or drinks despite them frequently being given both at other friends houses) and kicking them out after an hour for “breaking rules”.

Sorry just found the backstory. Guess Jack’s mum didn’t like that a child noticed her behaviour towards her. I wouldn’t be letting my child near someone like Jack’s mum.

It was rude because it is ill mannered to discuss how much you like someone, how friendly they are (or indeed how fat/clever/smelly you think they are) within their hearing. It’s fairly unpleasant anyway but doublet so if they have to listen to your critique. The child should have learned not to do it again because the neighbours response was hurtful too. All in all better than MIL having to hear she’s not as nice as favoured granny, or dh hearing neighbours dad is much nicer than he is.

I'm guessing Lily wasn't aware she was there, she's not the first person to have done. Better this happen now than a work situation or something

I was talking to a psychologist a couple of weeks ago. She said there has been a huge rise in people being diagnosed with narcissism. In her opinion and that of her colleagues, this was to a large extent due to the modern tendency of parents to make their children feel that they are always the most important and that only their feelings matter
We have people here suggesting that teaching a child to think before it says something negative to or about another person ( which could hurt that person’s feelings) is tantamount to laying it open to abuse in later life

It is clearly ludicrous to portray this situation as a time when a child is inappropriately made to think that their feelings count. Jack's mum has clearly been unfriendly and unwelcoming to Lily and other children, and deliberately so. It is very reasonable of Lily, or indeed anyone, to express dislike of someone who behaves like that towards them. Asserting boundaries around yourself against people who treat you like crap is not narcissism.

Quite obviously Lily didn't think about the fact that Jack's mum might overhear what she was saying. She was just talking to her friend. She's only 7 after all.

I know people older and wiser who've accidently slagged off their boss within earshot. It happens

I was talking to a psychologist a couple of weeks ago. She said there hasn't been a huge rise in people being diagnosed with narcissism.

@IAmMeThisIsI

For god's sake. The kid was being a little bugger. End of.

She’s absolutely wasnt.

(PS you haven’t the authority to call the end of the conversation. )

Just because they get drinks and snacks at other parents houses doesn't mean they should expect it at jacks. Jacks parents are not there to feed or entertain the local kids. And MAYBE just maybe they were being noisy in the house and the parents were working etc - sometimes there is a plausible and reasonable explanation for everything

@Itisbetter

It was rude because it is ill mannered to discuss how much you like someone, how friendly they are (or indeed how fat/clever/smelly you think they are) within their hearing. It’s fairly unpleasant anyway but doublet so if they have to listen to your critique. The child should have learned not to do it again because the neighbours response was hurtful too. All in all better than MIL having to hear she’s not as nice as favoured granny, or dh hearing neighbours dad is much nicer than he is.

She didn’t know she was overheard.

I'm with Lily. She made her comment not knowing Jack's mum would hear, whereas Jack's mum was deliberately unkind to her face.

There's a thread where people are talking about things they're salty about, and it's dominated by adults short changing children, so it's good for kids to stand up for themselves (although Lily will probably look around first before she says she doesn't like someone )

And now she knows that garden fences are not sound proof. It’s perfectly possible to be staggeringly rude without intending to. We learn where and when to discuss things by making mistakes.