Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

Lily spoke the truth, evidently.

God, 'be nice'. What a load of crap we feed our daughters I think Lily sex is irrelevant. Realistically she doesn’t even have to change her behaviour, she just knows now that maybe her honesty will be returned.

@HeronLanyon

And it’s girls whose silence damages them most often when they need to be able to speak out. This thread is so un child- friendly it’s embarrassing for ‘mumsnet’.

Absolutely agree. Just shows how much more parenting I need to do to ensure my child doesn't become as appalling as some of the adults on this thread. It also shows how rude some adults can be and how ridiculous and damaging their opinions can be such that it only reinforces my view that just because a child is a child and an adult is an adult doesnt mean that the child should automatically a) defer to them and b) that adult's opinions. Respect is earned (not that Lily was disrespectful). There is having an opinion and then there is being rude. Most of those saying Lily is rude on this threat are doing so in the most inappropriately rude ways, ironically.

@JoeCalFuckingZaghe

So its tit for tat really. Exactly, tit for tat is what children do. As a grown adult who has learned impulse control and should have developed some sort of emotional maturity she should have known better than to resort to “I know you are but what am I” tactics.

All this has done has solidified in Lily’s head they infect Jack’s mum is unfriendly. If she had responded in a mature and adult way outlining why she thought Lily was being rude, maybe she would have “learned a lesson”.

It’s awful to see so many adults gleefully thrilled about an adult “giving it back” to a child and calling a child names.

Totally agree.

God, 'be nice'. What a load of crap we feed our daughters Off topic forgetting about Lily, just to say I expect both of my DC to be polite and nice to think of others not just my DD.

Do the adults on this thread who are denigrating Lily know how ridiculous and malicious they sound? This is one of the most depressing threads I have ever read on Mumsnet.

How was Lily rude? She didn't say it to the neighbours face. That would be rude.
She was expressing her feelings whilst talking with a friend. Every single one of us are 'guilty' of expressing our feelings about other people when talking with friends.

At most, she perhaps needs a little chat about being more discreet if she's saying something negative about someone. But to be told she's rude for expressing herself (particularly about someone who makes her feel uncomfortable) is absolute nonsense.
In fact I'd prefer my child would speak up, rather than brush her uneasiness under the carpet so as not to offend anyone (that she didn't even know was there!)

I am trying to get to the end of the posts here and so have not so far come back to say anything else, but @ IAmMeThisIsI, you just had to push it way over the top.
For anyone's and everyone's sake, please just shut up with your ridiculous nonsense. Lilly was in NO WAY being a little bugger, she sounds like a really sweet and kind hearted girl. On the other hand, both you and Jack's Mum, and quite a few other posters on here, are being ENORMOUS and IGNORENT BUGGERS. End of.

God, 'be nice'. What a load of crap we feed our daughters
Couldn't agree more. And to all the posters saying, 'I teach my boys the same.', you don't need to think very hard, or read very much, or observe very much to realise girls are subject to this pressure WAY more than boys. Just think of all those bloody 'Its better to have a kind heart than a pretty face' memes, or just walk around a supermarket and see the 'kindness' messages on girls t-shirts yet noticeably absent on boys'.
I remember hearing a nurse (a woman) talking about a young hospital doctor (a man) whose Dad was some big consultant. And this young doctor was walking around lauding it over everyone. The nurse went up to him and said, 'Respect has to be earned. And you aren't there yet.'

Good for her. The message should be the same for our girls, your niceness and kindness to others needs to be earned by them. You should not bestow it on those who have proved themselves unworthy by the way they treat you.

It is not 'un-nice' to dislike someone who is unpleasant to you, nor to articulate that.

I hope Lily grows up to be like that nurse.

I hope Lily grows up to be like that nurse.

Me too smallestleaf. Furthermore I hope the daughters of the posters so vitriolic towards Lily, will manage to find their own voice one day, and not the one perpetrated by such as some of those on this thread.

"God, 'be nice'. What a load of crap we feed our daughters"

Yup-I mean, don't be deliberately nasty, fine.

How many times do we see on here-being asked to look after someone's kid-is it ok to say no?

Giving lifts-how do I stop without offending?

It is not 'un-nice' to dislike someone who is unpleasant to you, nor to articulate that

No. Just sensible to do so out of earshot and/or to people who don't tell tales. Lily has hopefully learnt to share her views more carefully in future.

I think you misunderstand me @cologne4711. I hope Lily grows to the point where she is confident to say it direct to someone's face. Like the nurse. I hope this is Lily's first step to feeling fine with asserting herself, unapologetically, against those who are unpleasant to her. I hope the conversation her mum or dad has with her about this incident helps her to grow in that way.

No Lily does not have to share her views more carefully. She needs to develop her abilities in being assertive when she finds herself in uncomfortable situations. I hope she will confront those who attempt to intimidate her, head on.

Lily can experience the consequences of frankly sharing her opinions and decide if she wants to do it in the future

She’s seven. SEVEN. As for kids being gobby, where do you think they learn it from?

I think lily can learn that some adults are absolute shits - if she ever thinks back on this when she is an adult I hope she knows this of jack’s mum. excuse my language. to say that to a seven year old and to her face is unforgivable bullying nastiness - an adult to a Largely stranger/loose acquaintance seven year old ! It beggars belief that an adult would do that to a young child.

Heck I wouldn’t say that in those exact circs to anyone under around 23 ish (I think). By then, just about, I expect a robustness and an ability to reflect like an adult and deal with criticism coming from a stranger etc. Before then why be nasty to an undeveloped younger person. Just why ? Nasty woman (j’s mum).

And I don’t care if she can hear me I am big and ugly and robust enough to deal with whatever she throws back at me if she is eavesdropping right now.

Lily can experience the consequences of frankly sharing her opinions and decide if she wants to do it in the future

Lily is a young child. The lessons she learns will depend on how the adults around her respond.

I've already outlined how I think her parents should respond and why.

I really dislike the “I say it as I see it” justification for bulldozing through other people’s happiness, so I hope Lily thinks about how she felt when horrible neighbour told her she wasn’t liked and tries not to be like that. Lily will choose though not the people around her.

I hope that Lily, Lily's Mum, and Jack's Mum have all made more like Elsa from Frozen and 'let it go', even if Mumsnet is still going strong over a storm in a teacup. . .

Lily wasn't rude. The adults responding to her were not either. The fact she reacted in tears shows she still need to learn that people will say things she doesn't like to hear just as she will and she needs to accept that.

The oy bad reaction is those who think she should be treated as a victim. She isn't, the whole incident is no big deal at all, need to move on and forget about it, which hopefully she's done.

I really dislike the “I say it as I see it” justification

That's really not what is being argued here.....

I hope Lily thinks about how she felt when horrible neighbour told her she wasn’t liked and tries not to be like that

And really @itisbetter why are you concentrating on a seven year old child's responsibility for how they make fully grown adults feel (hmm)
But not reflecting on the adult's responsibility for how they make others around them feel? How many people does Jack's mum need to alienate before she learns that if you are unpleasant to people they won't like you?

@Itisbetter

I really dislike the “I say it as I see it” justification for bulldozing through other people’s happiness, so I hope Lily thinks about how she felt when horrible neighbour told her she wasn’t liked and tries not to be like that. Lily will choose though not the people around her.

Lily wasn't one of those "I say it as I see it". She was having a private conversation with a friend, which we've all done. She just made an error of not realising that garden's aren't private. Which is a perfectly understandable error when you are 7.

Hopefully Lily doesn't overthink the Jack's Mum's reaction too much because the last thing that should happen is a another girl trained to never share her actual feelings and opinions with the people closest to her.

Ugh. Absolutely horrified that anyone could think the vile neighbour was justified in speaking that way to a child. How upsetting.

"Hopefully Lily doesn't overthink the Jack's Mum's reaction too much because the last thing that should happen is a another girl trained to never share her actual feelings and opinions with the people closest to her."

Unfortunately it seems that Lily has already started to overthink jack's mum's reaction. This is why the advice of mbosnz referring to it as "a storm in a teacup" and dontdisturbmenow as "it's no big deal at all" is so detrimental to little girls ,in encouraging them not to speak out in situations which make them uncomfortable.