Neighbour to 7 year old “We don’t like you either”

[Elsiebear90]

This happened to my friend’s 7 year old daughter, her mum is wondering if the neighbour was being unreasonable in saying this and should she bring it up next time she sees her as her daughter is very upset.

So my friend’s daughter (Lily) plays with a little boy who lives behind their house called Adam (names changed). Lily is with Adam and his mum in their front garden when Adam says he wants to play with the little boy who lives next door to him called Jack, but they’re never allowed to play in Jack’s house even though Jack plays in his (Adam’s) house all the time (which my friend says is true). Lily then says “I don’t mind though, I’d rather play in your house, because I don’t really like Jack’s mum and dad, they’re not that friendly”, not realising that Jack’s mum is also outside in her front garden. Jack’s mum then shouts over “Well don’t worry because we don’t like you either Lily”. Lily then became very upset, started crying and Jack’s mum then said “Don’t cry, you started it”, Adam’s mum is not on friendly terms with Jack’s mum and told Lily to just ignore her.

Lily is now very upset and scared to see Jack and his mum and dad again so doesn’t want to play with Adam any more as they’re next door neighbours. Was Jack’s mum unreasonable to say this to a 7 year old (despite her saying she didn’t like them first) and should my friend discuss it with her next time they bump into each other?

Well, I'd be hard pushed to say that what she said was 'staggeringly rude'.

Yes, she does know that garden fences aren't sound proof. However, I do still hold to the tenet that it's also rude to listen in on other people's private conversations. (Having said that, it depends on how loud Lily is, and Adam. My family, sadly, is made up entirely of three acre paddock voices. . .)

@Itisbetter

And now she knows that garden fences are not sound proof. It’s perfectly possible to be staggeringly rude without intending to. We learn where and when to discuss things by making mistakes.

She said they weren’t friendly. That does not equate to staggeringly rude

Jacks parents are not there to feed or entertain the local kids.

This is perfectly reasonable provided Jack doesn't get fed or entertained at other houses.

But the little girl wasn't complaining about this to her friend, she was saying the parents weren't friendly.
Something that the mother then demonstrated again.

Jack's mum objecting by saying 'that's rude' or something like that would have been OK to me, not what was said.

I was talking to a psychologist a couple of weeks ago. She said there has been a huge rise in people being diagnosed with narcissism. In her opinion and that of her colleagues, this was to a large extent due to the modern tendency of parents to make their children feel that they are always the most important and that only their feelings matter

The only one who thinks they are the most important and only their feelings matter is Jack's mum. Lily, on the other hand, has learnt to be aware of what she says and when. She has also learnt that she is allowed to have an opinion and does not have to do something or spend time with someone she's uncomfortable with.

Why on earth fully grown adults expect a child to act as if they were a fully mature adult, yet in reality the child shows a greater sense of maturity than all the adults calling her bratty/Karen/bitchy.

Serves her right. Kids are far too gobby these days.

She has also learnt that she is allowed to have an opinion and does not have to do something or spend time with someone she's uncomfortable with

Well a lot of posters here seem to be actively advocating for Lily to learn that she is not allowed to have an opinion that she does not like someone, regardless of how that person treats her, and should certainly not express her opinion.

This thread reminds me of women who were told off when they told their parents about inappropriate touching from adults. Let kids be honest (within reason).

@Itisbetter

And now she knows that garden fences are not sound proof. It’s perfectly possible to be staggeringly rude without intending to. We learn where and when to discuss things by making mistakes.

She wasn’t rude no. It might have been painful to hear, but that’s not the same thing.

Just because they get drinks and snacks at other parents houses doesn't mean they should expect it at jacks. Jacks parents are not there to feed or entertain the local kids. And MAYBE just maybe they were being noisy in the house and the parents were working etc - sometimes there is a plausible and reasonable explanation for everything

And Jack’s parents shouldn’t expect other parents to watch and entertain their children for years without reciprocating which is the main reason for the fallout in the first place.

If the children were being too noisy and misbehaving Jack’s parents could tell their parents that and if Lily and Adam constantly misbehaved then they could have limited or even stopped their own son and other children going over since if they were so misbehaved why would you want your children to be around them every weekend and on holidays?

She wasn’t talking about a child and she was having a private conversation with a friend, not directly and intentionally being “mean” to another person!

People need to get over themselves, it was a child, she did t feel comfortable going round to Jack’s house because his parents aren’t “friendly” so she must feel h comfortable going there. By telling her friend, someone knows she doesn’t really like going there so I’d less likely to be persuaded to spend time there in order to take turns, fairness on other parents, whatever. If this was ignored and she had nobody to tell this too, then yes it could affect her mental health!
Aside from all of that, the grown woman was out of order to speak to the little girl in that way

Kids are far too gobby these days?!

They apparently have nothing on their elders!

She WAS rude. She probably didn’t MEAN to be rude, but that’s really not the point. Discussing your friends parents relative “friendliness” is rude. It would be rude if I did that (I’m old) and it was rude of Lily.

No, it isn't rude. It's an honest opinion, pertinent to the conversation. It was a private conversation, that was unfortunately overheard.

I don't think it's rude if my children say that they would prefer not to go to X's house, because X's parents don't make them feel welcome. They're entitled to their opinion, and to have their opinion taken into account.

Okay, I'd prefer them not to state that opinion in the front garden if they're next door neighbours. . .

Okay, I'd prefer them not to state that opinion in the front garden if they're next door neighbours. Yes, exactly. That would be because HAVING the opinion isn’t rude, but voicing it especially where it can be overheard by the person it refers to IS.

"Kids are far too gobby these days?!

They apparently have nothing on their elders!"

Especially the ones on here, pouring vitriol on a young child who wasn't rude at all.

Yes, but she wasn't aware. She's seven. Teachable moment.

And voicing it is not rude. It can be quite important for children to feel comfortable to voice their opinion, and to have it listened to.

I was always taught, even as a child, that it's rude to listen in on other people's private conversations, and that eavesdroppers seldom here any good of themselves. As you say, manners cost nothing

I'd hardly call walking out to her own car on her own property eavesdropping ffs. Honestly this thread is mad.

Well, if you're in the next door garden, assuming the kids aren't shrieking at the tops of their voices, then you're going to have to make a degree of effort to listen in. Or maybe I'm just deaf. If my neighbours are talking in normal voices in the garden, I'd be hard put to make out the words. And I wouldn't try. Because it's not my business.

Haha. I'd have likely said the same. Lily just found out that it's embarrassing to be overheard talking about someone else.

This thread is so depressing, so many parents fucking up the next generation of daughters.

I think the current expression for how I'm feeling is "triggered".

My view on it is:
Lily was not rude.
The neighbour is very emotionally immature.
Lily needs to develop some resilience, and this will help.
Some of the posters on here are far worse than the neighbour.

Can I recommend the book The Chimp Paradox to those of you who think the neighbour was right to react the way she did. I've read it, as has DH and a few friends, and it's very useful for learning to control your emotions, rather than your emotions controlling you.

Lily just found out that it's embarrassing to be overheard talking about someone else.

Yes!
I’m sure the tears were a direct result of being caught being ‘not very nice’.
As I said earlier, lesson learnt.

This thread is so depressing, so many parents fucking up the next generation of daughters.

It's so sad. It's such a horrible reflection on mumsnet, tbh. I don't know any adult, let alone parent, in real life who would talk so horribly to or about a child.

Can I recommend the book The Chimp Paradox

Thank you. I've been struggling to think of what resources there might be to share with people - there are lots of ways to get better as a parent, but I guess they would first have to be able to see that the way they're speaking and behaving is not okay.

God, 'be nice'. What a load of crap we feed our daughters. Especially when we so often seem to be constitutionally incapable of taking our own advice. Online, anyway. . .