to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

One thing to consider is that if you decide you want to go back to work in a couple of years, your husband will have got totally used to you being responsible for all things child and most home-related things too. For you to go back to work (and keep the job!) will require him to do an about turn and start picking up half of all sickness days, nursery runs etc. Do you feel confident he will do that, even if your job is v low paying and just a foot back into the workplace? I think a lot of people plan for a short time out but the reality of going back is not what they expected. If your DH earns, say £60k, is he going to take on half of all those responsibilities for you to do a £20k job? Because that’s what you will need from him in order to get back into a career. I don’t think many men would do that after getting used to having someone else doing all the domestics, which is why so many women find themselves unable to get back into work.

Then he pays someone else to do his share. When I started my business dh was on the phone to cleaners and gardeners his view was it’s now 50 / 50 as I was earning again he can’t do his half as works long hours so he paid people to do his half in the week.

I don't think people realise how difficult it is to work when your children start school. The ages from 4 to about 8 are really tough for working parents/mothers. I think this is one of the reasons people end up with very long gaps on their CVs and struggle to get back into work.

I worked part time and part of me still wishes I had been able to be a sahp. I would have loved it and it would have been a lot less stressful (for me) on a day to day basis. But I am one of those women with older teens who is now looking at her pension contributions and wished I didn't have to work so long until I can retire! I have also seen a lot more of friends/couples getting divorced, being widowed, struggling with illness or mental health issues, mid- life crises, redundancies etc and all the women involved have been in a better position if they have a career/decent job. I think you know what you want to do and that is great but you are being quite dismissive/naive about what could happen.

I will also say that though I hated leaving my children when they were little, looking back I don't feel I have missed any of their childhoods and me working has given us lots of shared experiences like travelling that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. I would also say that it isn't possible to tell now which of the kids went to childcare/didn't go to childcare.

It is tough going back to work though.

@allthemteeth my friend said exactly the same as you when I was urging her to squirrel away money. She phoned me in tears last week as her sTBXH was only offering her the minimum child maintenance which leaves her unable to afford to live in their city anymore.

I've been a SAHM for the past five years and haven't regretted it so far. I can't stress how lovely it's been seeing our children grow up and experiencing all of their milestones first hand. We're by no means well off, but we own our own home and have enough money left over for treats and days out. We could definitely do with a bigger house, and a holiday abroad would be lovely, but we think the sacrifice is worth it for now. I can't imagine looking back on my life wishing that I'd spent more time at work, but I can definitely imagine regretting not spending enough time with my children.

We are married. I have access to the joint account but we both only use that for mortgage, bills, food and car and house stuff. My OH transfers the majority of his salary to that account, then transfers me a small allowance and has a little bit left over for himself. The allowance is for me to spend on stuff for me and taking the kids out during the week, but it's limited, not because my OH is mean but because our household took a £26K income cut when I had kids (obviously not completely recovered if I went back to work as a large amount went on childcare). I guess I was trying to show the OP how I've had to cut corners i.e. Not buying myself clothes or having my hair cut like I used to. My OH does go to the barbers but that's only £10 so doesn't break the bank like my old £60 hairdressing visits did. And he doesn't buy new clothes that often either, as, like I said, we have a lot less money with the loss of a salary and the added costs of children. But we're happy. My only worry is my pension.

I left my job - zero regrets!! I have loved being able to look after my kids and just be able to take care of things at home. My life is so much less stressful. My husband is happier too, it has really benefited him as well to have me at home. He can focus on work and his career is 10x further along than mine was. Honestly if you can afford it, go for it. Keep your credentials current in case you decide to go back later on. My kids and I are soo close and I love it.

I don't think people realise how difficult it is to work when your children start school. The ages from 4 to about 8 are really tough for working parents/mothers. I think this is one of the reasons people end up with very long gaps on their CVs and struggle to get back into work.
This! nursery is easy, school is hard. And well paid decent part time positions usually go to in-house hires and the competition is massive.
And so women easily end up being out of paid work for 5 to 8 years, and your degree and previous experience is worthless at that point.

. I would imagine it would be really hard to have much to talk about being at home all day and with no hobbies (obv you will be busy with child all day) what might you talk about? Is your husband interesting? Does he have hobbies to talk about?

Hmm, all the SAHMs I know talk about a variety of things, news, politics, general stuff. No different from the working mums I know tbh. And I'm one who finds child talk very dull.....almost as dull as husbands hobbies which are invariably cycling, golf or football.

I'm all but a SAHM @allthemteeth with a 10
Month old. Been married 16 years and in that time only worked 20 hours a week at the most due to a health issue which hubbie supports me through and helped me train and do the job I do so I could do it around my illness (self employed). I now work 3 hours max a week just to pay for registration fees when hubbie can look after baby. My natural work hours and childcare don't match so it's just not an option and we have no family nearby.

We have always had joint finances and made equal decisions and he has always been the high earner while I make peanuts and he's happy with that. He is also more than happy for me now to do what I am doing and raise our child. If I wanted to work more he would also help me find a way of doing that. But I dont, I want to raise our child.

I have a pension

My husbands job has also been unaffected through covid and actually he's spent a great deal of time interviewing, recruiting and headhunting more staff for their firm!

Do what u want to do.

I don't think people realise how difficult it is to work when your children start school. The ages from 4 to about 8 are really tough for working parents/mothers. I think this is one of the reasons people end up with very long gaps on their CVs and struggle to get back into work 1000%
I’m really hoping my company show some flexibility when my LO starts school next year- not only due to covid but also because I did return full time after mat leave. The thing is I imagine the guilt of leaving a primary school child vs a preschooler so much worse: school work, after school play dates. If you can keep your foot in the door with a decent company I would.

I think these kind of threads bring out a lot of projection in people. Different things will work for different families. If this is something you want and your partner is supportive then why not? For people saying having a SAHP puts strain on a relationship, yes that might be true for your relationship or for others you know, I would never recommend it if both parents aren’t 100% on board. But for a lot of families including my own, the whole family is happier and less stressed having someone at home, including the working partner.

I am a SAHM and most mnetters would gasp at our earnings and say it’s impossible to live on etc. But it works for us. We are happy. DC are happy. There is no power imbalance in our relationship. There is no resentment, only mutual respect.

OP you do get a lot of judgment for staying at home but for me personally it honestly doesn’t affect me as I know how well it works for MY family.

@Newdaynewname1

I don't think people realise how difficult it is to work when your children start school. The ages from 4 to about 8 are really tough for working parents/mothers. I think this is one of the reasons people end up with very long gaps on their CVs and struggle to get back into work. This! nursery is easy, school is hard. And well paid decent part time positions usually go to in-house hires and the competition is massive. And so women easily end up being out of paid work for 5 to 8 years, and your degree and previous experience is worthless at that point.

This totally.

Nursery years are easy peasy. Childcare hours work better with working hours. Less extra curricular stuff.

I totally get your position and desire. But I'd urge you to consider the points being raised here about protecting yourself, pensions etc.

It's not all negative but is also a reality.

You don't mention if you plan to have more DC. That might be important for planning.

Don't do it. I did 20 years ago, and it's my single biggest regret.

I did it because my mother and father were both high powered executive types and I HATED having no one there for me. I swore I wouldn't do to my children what my parents did to me. I swore I would always be there, and I was.

For about 10 years I felt I had worth.. but as the children got older and I became more and more removed from my very technical, very highly paid field, I began to feel.. subsumed. There was virtually nothing I did that didn't directly benefit someone else.

20 years on, the children are indeed doing very well, but I feel like I'm no one. My friends have all had rewarding careers, and I look after the house. I do it well, but of course, the better you do it the less anyone notices.

Work part time. It may be a bit difficult for a (very few) years but you at least will maintain you sense of self.

OP, I hope you're also taking in the posts by women who absolutely loved being a SAHM and expected their marriages to last (I am in this camp) but whose marriages ended through no fault of their own, leaving them unable to earn enough to live on.

What would you do if you had another baby when this one is two, meaning you couldn't/wouldn't want to go back then? And perhaps a third baby after that? You'd want to be there for them just as much as for your first.

And two is the very, very best age for small children, IME. Toddlers are brilliant, and there's no way I'd have handed a toddler over to a nursery.

I'm supportive of women's choices, when they really are truly choices (unfortunately they often aren't, although they may claim otherwise), and I know many women love being a SAHM and power to them
But I'm really, really, really wary about becoming entirely financially dependent on a man when you don't need to. It isn't just that your relationship might break down but he might die or become ill, and it's just so much easier to get a job when you already have one. Your part time job may not cover everything but it'll be so much easier to increase your income somehow if you're already working than if you're going from several years of zero. That's quite apart from wanting to maintain professional success. I worked hard to get where I am in my field and I'd honestly feel like part of me was cut off if I didn't have that any more. Not all women feel that way, of course, but it's not wrong if you do.

Don't be frightened about going back after mat leave; it does take some time to adjust but that's true of any change in working life.

You're certainly not being unreasonable to worry about it. At least try part time for a while if you can do that.

I agree that school is often cited as an easier point to head back to work childcare wise, I agree this isn't the case. Also agree with a PP about being more likely to be able to agree flexible working etc when that time comes with an employer you've been with for a few years rather than finding a new job (school hours jobs are rare). I went back 4 days a week, next year I've already had my change in hours approved to work just term time and school hours, and since going back I've been promoted so the further drop in hours still equates to my current pay more or less. Not possible in every job, but it's worth maybe thinking if something like that is a possibility in the future.

@ShebaShimmyShake you can get excellent life insurance, critical illness cover etc to cover u

Certainly if anything happened to my hubbie I would be more than fine

The important thing is to truly think it all through. Make sure u are prepared in case something happened that effected the main earner

I don't think people realise how difficult it is to work when your children start school.

I agree but fortunately had built up good will so have flexed my hours differently to adjust. Also DH helps out with picks up/drop offs too.

I actually think it would be better to spend more time at home when they're a bit older and need you more. At the age of 1-3 they just play and sleep etc and as long as the childcare setting is good, they'll be really happy. Whereas when they're at school, they genuinely need you and you cannot replace parental help at that stage. So in the long run, it might be better to gain more experience and negotiate a better salary part time.

If you're only planning taking 2 years out would you get a career break? I know a couple of women who did that, no pension contributions but the security of a job to go back to.

I agree with SimonJT - could you both go part-time? It may not make financial sense, but for balance in your household and relationship, that might work best?

I am sure you do have a wonderful relationship now Op, but you don’t know what is around the corner, none of us do.

As others have said, you seem to have made up your mind, but maybe just take a little time to read these posts and take in what others have said.

My 2 are young adults now, but when I was expecting my first 22+ yrs ago, a close friend was also expecting. The DC were born a few days apart.

She absolutely loved her job and intended to return FT but was made redundant and became a SAHM, putting her energy and enthusiasm from work into her kids. Meanwhile, I worked PT and sometimes envied her being at home, and how her eldest seemed further ahead than mine when young (although that has not continued into adulthood).

She had what everyone thought a wonderful marriage. Until the day her husband announced (out of the blue, eldest child about 9) that he was leaving her. He basically had a midlife crisis, moved into a bachelor flat and started clubbing with colleagues. It was never certain whether he had an affair, but there was certainly one female colleague he saw a lot of when he left!

To cut a long story short, they eventually, after intense counselling, got back together, moved away and she started FT work again.

That was about 12 yrs ago. We are the same age and approaching 60.
I am looking at retirement in next few months. I doubt my FT-equivalent salary is as good as hers, but by carrying on working and paying into pensions without a break I have more choices now.

Looking at our adult DC now, I don’t think mine have suffered at all from me working PT, they are as well adjusted and successful as hers.

I also have a second friend who gave up a professional job and did a PT NMW job which she loved. Her DH unfortunately died a few years ago. Fortunately, he had set up then sold a business before becoming ill, so they were financially sound even through the years when he was ill and she gave up work to nurse him.

No one knows what can happen. If you do give up, please make sure you have a personal pension and/or significant savings in an ISA in your name.

I worked pt for 15 years and did the vast majority of childcare.
I am divorcing. I would advise some kind of work.
I'd go back full time when you are due to.
I'd take the year before they go to school off but definitely do NOT give up working all together.

OP, most people will recommend whatever path they themselves have chosen.

Leaving your kid in childcare to go to a job you hate isn't the makings of a happy life. If you have an alternative, consider it a blessing from the universe.