to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I gave up my career and was a sahm for 6 years and this is what I learned:
-the connection I have with my children is very strong. I loved looking after them when they were little and I know what they think and feel before they say it aloud. I wouldn't change a moment. They grow so quickly. It's a cliché but they really do. It's not long before they are too busy with their friends and prefer their own things to spending time with mum. I loved keeping mine close when they were all cute and cuddly.

-I've completely fallen off my career path. There's no way back. Finding any work is very very very difficult. I'm now retraining for a different career, but don't know who'll hire me anymore.. I used to have a reputation in my field and good prospects. Now I feel like I have no prospects at all. I am working now but its dead end and not a career.

So no advice from me. If I'd do something differently it'd be to retrain earlier and for something really useful.

[quote PrayingandHoping]@ShebaShimmyShake you can get excellent life insurance, critical illness cover etc to cover u

Certainly if anything happened to my hubbie I would be more than fine

The important thing is to truly think it all through. Make sure u are prepared in case something happened that effected the main earner [/quote]
My husband also has an excellent life assurance programme attached to his work, and we should hopefully be all right if the worst happened, but still. These are uncertain times, pensions and insurance involve a degree of risk...I realise you can't insulate perfectly against everything, but becoming totally financially dependent when it isn't necessary would worry me. I'm as sure as I can be that our marriage is stable, but I don't have a crystal ball and if I did get blindsided on this one, I wouldn't be the first or last. I like being cared for, but I just eeshk at the thought of not earning any money at all by myself.

I'll put on my hard hat now for this...speaking purely from personal experience (as we all are), most women I know returned part time. Of those who chose to stay at home full time, a fair number of them - not all, but a significant proportion - expressed to me that their choice was made at least in part by the fact that they were, frankly and understandably, just scared of returning to work. They were frightened about doing it on their "new mum" brain and tiredness, they were worried about balancing it all, they were just frightened about going back into a totally adult world where they were accountable for their productivity (and yes, I know parents are very accountable for something more important, but the thought of being accountable at work scared them in a way that being at home did not). I understand this mindset completely, I was shitting myself about returning to work as such a different person with a different life and a different mindset....but I did, and I got back into it, like pretty much all working mothers. Or working parents.

I'm absolutely not saying this is the case for all SAHMs (of course it isn't!) or that it's not completely understandable. Or that being a SAHM isn't a perfectly valid life choice that's right for many people. I'm just saying to look at the decision carefully and ask oneself why, because it does seem very common for many women to make the decision to stay at home out of fear of the unknown and a degree of inertia (regarding the workplace), and that isn't a healthy place to make life decisions from.

I was a SAHM and am glad I didn’t miss stuff when they were little, but make it known to DH that you intend to go back at some point and that you will need his support to do that.
Financial independence is so important, as is having friends/work mates.

@Diddledilld I could have written this, word for word.

I think we can all agree it’s no bad thing to have your own income/money.

One of my dms friends dh announced in his 80’s he was leaving to be with his boyfriend. They’d wed as teenagers so that was quite a shock.

I'm in this position now as I'm a self employed consultant and there's no work.

I thought I'd love it but it's quite hard. You don't realise what you have until it's gone! I've always worked full time and had been thinking I needed a break, however now I have it I feel guilty and frustrated that I'm not contributing.

It's been lovely spending more time with my DD, it really is special. That said, I've realised I value my career much more than I thought and weirdly even miss the commute?!

We are all different and you may love it. It's just something to consider. Best of luck whatever you decide!

Sorry to derail but I really am worrying a lot now! I knew what I was getting into and felt aware and prepared, just having a wobble now I think as I'd really hoped I could build some semblance of a reasonable career in future

I'll have been out for about 3.5 years, am I doomed? I stand by my decision though which was made for various important reasons, as well as because DH and I both wanted me to be at home. I expect to go back after a year with DC2, who will be our last child

On the other hand in my previous career I worked from bottom to decent level in less than five years

@ChipsyChopsy

OP, most people will recommend whatever path they themselves have chosen.

Leaving your kid in childcare to go to a job you hate isn't the makings of a happy life. If you have an alternative, consider it a blessing from the universe.

@ChipsyChopsy I haven't been happy in my job for a long time. The car is what's kept me there!! I knew we wanted to start a family so moving jobs wasn't on the agenda!

I did it for a while when my little one was small (6m-3y). But it was never for me. I was bored. I hated being defined by being a parent. And also I’d been a high earner (6 figures) so hated no longer having an income aside from some rental income I have. As soon as I felt my child was old enough, I hightailed it back to the City.
Not earning what I used to but still worth it financially. Plus I love working and so glad I did it. It’s a tough decision to make and is to dependent on individual circumstances.
Could you take a career break?

The danger is you will become totally boring to your hubby with no conversation apart from the children and he will start noticing other women have much more to offer. I've been at home for over 20yrs and all I can say is I have never been boring. What a stupid comment.

I'm sure others will concur with the fact that as soon as you give up work you become responsible for all the housework entirely as he will be 'too tired after being at work all day while you've been to baby groups' you will become a bit of a slave-sorry but it's pretty common if you read some other threads.

I'm sure others will concur but I'm just as sure that others won't. DH has always been far more domesticated than me and has never shirked the household chores even when working full time. Apparently he finds it "relaxing".

You might find playground relationships difficult too as lots of working mothers would probably struggle to have a conversation with you and find it hard to have much in common.

This is such a load of tripe.

Best thing I ever did. Have loved being a SAHM. So much so, I still am even though my youngest is 5.
It could be the best thing you ever done so to not do in in case your marriage breaks down would seem sad to me.
Good luck

Posted too early. So even if starting from bottom I hope it's possible albeit I realise needing more flexible hours etc is likely to be a huge impediment (whereas I worked every hour under the sun previously working my way up!)

@cinammonbuns
*
And I would be interested to know which super secure industry your husband is in that never even closed throughout COVID and was able to give staff a pay rise. But I’m sure you won’t say as it would ‘be too outing’.*

What an odd comment. I know the pandemic has been tough on a lot of people but there are plenty of industry/ jobs that have keep going and haven’t suffered finically

I can’t answer for the OP But my husband works in an area of cost modelling as a contractor Mainly for government departments . He worked throughout pandemic (from home) and received a pay rise last Month.

@Livandme

I worked pt for 15 years and did the vast majority of childcare. I am divorcing. I would advise some kind of work. I'd go back full time when you are due to. I'd take the year before they go to school off but definitely do NOT give up working all together.

@Livandme full time is definitely not an option for me. I don't want to work full time.

Right now I'm fortunate that I don't have to work full time, so to go back to a full time job,leave my daughter five days a week all for the sake of staying in a job just doesn't seem right for me.

I'd consider part time but I know my employer wouldn't be flexible with that.

I think your unhappiness with your current job is a separate issue. By all means quit a job if you hate it (I've quit jobs I hated), but if you make the decision to actively stop looking for other work and be a SAHM, it needs to be a positive decision: because you want to be a SAHM, not because you don't want to work in that place.

@nogoodsolution

OP, I hope you're also taking in the posts by women who absolutely loved being a SAHM and expected their marriages to last (I am in this camp) but whose marriages ended through no fault of their own, leaving them unable to earn enough to live on.

What would you do if you had another baby when this one is two, meaning you couldn't/wouldn't want to go back then? And perhaps a third baby after that? You'd want to be there for them just as much as for your first.

And two is the very, very best age for small children, IME. Toddlers are brilliant, and there's no way I'd have handed a toddler over to a nursery.

@nogoodsolution DD is already registered to go to a nursery one day each week. I think it's important for her to socialise and spend time with other children. She will go one day every week regardless of if I'm a sahm or not.

I haven't returned. My first baby is 4 now Generally it's been fine, I'm not sure DH is interested in a minute by minute account of my day, but he wasn't that interested in the detail of my work either. The one problem I'd say it they get the highlights. The nice photo at farm, looking cute in their rain coat and mucky hands from painting. They don't see the work grind so much, the effort, the clearing up, but this will depend on your DH's involvement. If he is hands on at the weekends, what hours he works now and how much he is home weekdays/ evenings does he have an hobbies like cycling or golf?! My DH is out working long hours which is why I'm a SAHM and it's all on me for the whole day. He often leaves when they are asleep and is home 12 hours later. What I'm trying to say is they can think you have it easy and you will be jealous they get a break from the kids ( you probably don't feel this is so needed at the moment, but they just get so much more active 7 months onwards and once they start pulling up you have to watch them like hawks, then there is walking. Plus their naps are less often ( once a day from 1 ish) and the eating carnage is more often. If they wake in the night still you feel it the longer it goes on. But It's lovely, I love my children, I love I am their daycare, but there is no weekend off from work when you are SAHM. Plus it isn't harmful for kids to have other attachments. So do consider if you want to return that a childminder is cheaper.

My DH has once or twice said something's about earning all the money A swift reminder about the cost of childcare and the commute issues if we both work and he apologises. But sometimes I have to let it go that he buys himself something unnecessary. I mainly control the finances still. He rarely checks our joint account.

Around where I live there are very few SAHM past the one years maternity leave. So you might find friendships tricky, as you'll meet grandparents, Nanny's and childminders or part time workers of course ( limited on what days they can meet.) I have experienced some snobbery as I think people make assumptions that if you don't work at least part time that you are on benefits. This will depend on your area. I have another baby now, so I'm safe at the moment, but I'll be getting when are you going back to work questions soon!

I think you have to do what is right for you. I have a new baby boy and I’m going back to work later this year but only one day a week initially and then 2 days a week later on. For me going to work is important even if it is only part time as I personally feel like it’s like having a little me time. It doesn’t make financial sense to go back one day a week but it doesn’t matter. That 1-2 days gives me that little bit of independence I feel I need. Don’t get me wrong my husband would be happy with my choice either way but I need my job to be the best version of myself and therefore the best mother to my son. Plus it gives my husband a chance to spend lots of quality one on one time with our boy. That’s just me though. I have friends who stay at home and that’s what makes them happy and I also have friends who work full time with kids and that works for them. There’s no right answer. Just do what makes sense to you all as a family. My friends mum always said ‘you either have the more time or more money’ (Can be applied to so many situations) and she is so right!....I suppose you can’t buy time though

Another thing to consider. Although again this is purely from talk with friends.

Those friends who returned to work (either part or full time), the husbands got used to the idea pretty quickly that they had to pull their weight when it came to picking up children / dealing with sick children etc etc. The women had careers where they couldn't drop everything every time their children got sick and this had to be shared (although it doesn't tend to be 50/50 and women tends to do more)

But where the women became a SAHM for a few years and returned to work later, the men got used to the woman dealing with everything with the children and it then caused problems down the line when the women went back and needed the husband to start stepping up a bit more.

Again, this is just the experience of my friends, but over the years I have also seen so many mums complain about this on Mumsnet too.

As you've already found, MN is very anti SAHM and I am often surprised by the attitudes towards them on here.

I felt exactly the same as you when my eldest was under 1 and desperately wanted to just stay at home but I was fortunate to have part time as an option so took that and decided I would reassess after having been back for a few months. For me, going back was the best thing I ever did. It is harder to keep them entertained as they get older and the stimulation they get from childcare is fantastic. However, I'm extremely fortunate that I can have best of both worlds.

As for things getting easier as they start school - total nonsense as far as I'm concerned. Nursery may be expensive but at least it covers full working hours. Wraparound care after school is not cheap either, children dont like being left until evening and it also means you can do fewer after school activities with them if you are working full time. When their friends do get to do these things, they feel left out. I am so grateful that I only work a couple of days each week so the remainder I am there for the school run

Well if the reason is "hating the job" then the answer is to find a different job or retrain rather than dropping work altogether. Ideally before children, but if you can put the child in daycare 1-2 days a week that may be sufficient for part-time study.

As for not missing out on childhood. I really don't think I missed out compared to sahps. True my job is flexible (academic) though demanding and I do have a husband who's a fully equal parent and helpful family nearby (and good neighbours). But I take my children to activities and do many things with them. I read to or with them nearly every night, we have lots of time together in evenings and weekends. We lived in a different country for my sabbatical (my husband could only be there a few months) and it was hard but full of adventuresand new experiences they remember fondly. We travelled for my work and they've met interesting people and learnt new things. I have no idea what's nature or nurture but they are confident, sociable, warm children. So I don't think they missed out because of my work and that I somehow am not as close to them as I would have been were I a sahm

If you can - try and keep up your pension contributions.

We budgeted to live without my salary but I didn't factor in the loss of pension value.

@GeneticsQuestion it's not impossible but it will help if your DH shares the load. I've had 2 promotions but I've been available for extra work when needed for busy wks, sick days are shared etc. DH earns more but his job is not more important than mine. He can also wfh if needed.

A lot of people seem to be mentioning the fact that you’ll have no friends if you don’t work or you’ll find it hard to make friends as a SAHM because there aren’t many at toddler groups etc.

Maybe I’m being idealistic but have most people not already formed friendships by the time they’re having children? I understand a lot of people don’t have close friends or friendship groups and have slipped through the cracks in that way but surely that is not the norm? Or maybe it is, I don’t know!

I have friends from school, friends from uni, family friends, friends I used to work with, wives and gf’s of DH’s friends. To be honest I don’t really have the time or emotional energy for more friendships and I know this sounds terribly immodest. I genuinely don’t mean it to sound like ‘oh I’m popular’ but I’m just not really understanding that one. Is this coming from the perspective of if you’ve moved away to a new community?

I didn't go back to work after my second child was born. I had two who were 18 months apart and I don't regret it one bit, those were some of the best years of my life, certainly better than any job I've ever had. My days were full with playgroups, nursery, classes and clubs and seeing friends. I even enjoyed mooching around morrisons doing top up shops, chatting to my babbling baby in the trolley. But I wanted to do it, I enjoyed the clubs and classes, some people don't and that's fine too.

My children are 3 and 5 now and I'm back working so now we can afford a nicer car when one of our current ones dies, we have more money for holidays and more extravagant evenings out, I might get laser eye surgery (I might not even if I was loaded right enough). It wasn't even a choice really to make for me, it was what I had always wanted and I'm so glad that I was able to do it.