to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

[quote binkydinky]@allthemteeth If you're going back to work once your child turns two then it might not be so hard to get back in, I assumed the break would be longer. [/quote]
No, I was considering it for a couple of years.

I felt as you did OP but I think it is hard to get back into work after stopping so I have gone part time.
Keeps you in pension contributions, bonus etc

Given the experiences of several of my friends recently there's no way I'd make myself financially dependant on a man. None of them thought they'd ever split up.

Ok well then my original opinion stands.

@Tappering

You posted saying you wanted people's opinions and stories - you have them. But because you don't like them, you are choosing to dismiss them.

What was the point of your thread if all you wanted was validation? Be a SAHP if that's what you want to do. But it's a bit weird to start a thread asking if YABU to give up your job, and then take issue with people who say that they think it would be foolish to do so.

@Tappering I don't take an issue with other people's opinions - it's why I posted.

I just find it totally bizarre that women feel like they should work in order to keep their husbands interested in them and prevent infidelity.

That I do take an issue with, I think it's really sad that a woman feels she has to validate herself worth to her husband by being interesting from having a job.

no worries @GeneticsQuestion & likewise I'm not saying anything like that will happen to you. It was more now that I've seen a close friend go through it it's really opened my eyes. I think i'm pretty good judge of character & it came out of the blue.

I’ve just read you are in accounts - this is the field my DH and I are in. Definitely not a walk in the park to get back into it but easier if only out a year or two or you’ve done some sort of voluntary work / can show you’ve kept up with changes if you plan to take longer.

@Graffitiqueen

Given the experiences of several of my friends recently there's no way I'd make myself financially dependant on a man. None of them thought they'd ever split up.

@Graffitiqueen not that I think I'm going to split up with my husband, but if we did I have absolutely no doubt that he would support me raising his child.

I have known him for 12 years. I know, people can change etc etc...
but he genuinely is a good person and I don't doubt that.

I don't worry about being left with nothing after pausing my career.

In the middle of a global pandemic? No way. Go back, you may find that by March you’re desperate for it. Childcare options for tiny children are easy and you can take another round of paid maternity leave in due course.
Parenting gets more involved not less, so if you still have a burning desire to scrap your earning potential and pension and skills progression, do it when the children are older and need taking to Cuba / cricket / gymnastics/ etc after school (and in the meantime save so that you can afford to take them too).
The comments about your magnificent relationship are just naive and you’ve been given excellent advice already so I’ll ignore that.

@Boysnme

I’ve just read you are in accounts - this is the field my DH and I are in. Definitely not a walk in the park to get back into it but easier if only out a year or two or you’ve done some sort of voluntary work / can show you’ve kept up with changes if you plan to take longer.

@Boysnme yes I'm only planning on a couple of years. Maybe I might return earlier.

I did - and have never regretted it. But we were older and financially pretty sorted, mortgage paid off etc. When DC were toddlers I took a lower paid part time job that allowed me to work flexibly, so I could have the benefit of grown ups to talk to, and some pocket money of my own. My job is in a completely different field but keeps the brain ticking over, and avoids having a lengthy gap in my CV. (I know SAH parent is a valid job in its own right, but some employers still prefer to see other experience too).

My job involved a long commute and regular travel, so it would have been difficult with children. If I go back now the DC are older it will have to be something nearer home, and probably much less well paid. But as I said - being older parents I may choose not to, I don't have to for financial reasons.

If I was younger and would want to resume my career at a later date, I might have felt differently. And if you do leave your job, I definitely think you should find something P/T if you can, just to fill those other gaps.... Good luck.

Cuba?! Cubs!

Best decision I ever made. Six lovely years at home while my girls little then started my own business now higher rate tax payer again. If you have a solid marketable professional skill you can get back. But I was fed up with my old job (corporate lawyer working day and night) so happy to change direction. Different if you live your job I guess.

OP, I had to give up as DC's were unwell and I had to be at home to deal with that. I also knew I was going to miss them so I wanted to be with them. But I've never got my career back as it was. I've lost my independence. I missed having work friends. My pension is not in good shape. If you can do part-time just to keep your hand in, I would. However, if you don't enjoy your job, try to find better job once your DC is a bit older.

@TryAnotherNickname

The comments about your magnificent relationship are just naive and you’ve been given excellent advice already so I’ll ignore that.

Nowhere have I said I have a magnificent relationship!!!!!!

It's not magnificent, whose relationship is?!

But my husband is supportive.

Maybe I'm completely naive but I haven't once thought I shouldn't go back to work incase my husband leaves me!

I have two friends who have both started new jobs recently and that's during a pandemic!!

I'm not assuming it will be easy to walk back into a job but I don't think it will be impossible and as per my previous post I know that my husband would never leave me in a situation where I was unable to provide for his daughter!!

Love your job obviously

I’ve been a SAHM for the last 3.5 years and gave up a job I loved (with work friends I adored) but that didn’t pay especially well. I had never not had a job before either. I’ve never regretted it. Yeah sometimes you have hard times or lonely times and wonder what it would have been like to go back to work etc. but the years have just absolutely flown past and I cannot imagine how much faster they would have gone if I had been trying to fit in a job too. I never really had any doubts though to be honest - I trust my husband 100% and we always planned for me to be a SAHM even before we got married. I think you know if it’s right for your own family and it’s right for us and just works really well. I’ll cross the getting back into work bridge when I come to it but, honestly, even if I struggle to get back into work / have to take some shitty job I cannot imagine that I will ever regret this time that I’ve had with my two wee girls. Every day has been a gift and I am so lucky to be ‘just their mum’. That’s why I had them, cause I wanted to be a mum. I don’t think there’s any shame in that being the ‘only thing you are’ (which is obviously nonsense anyway) for what is such a short time in the grand scheme of things. I think you should go for it if it feels right for you guys as a family and if you have a totally solid, mutually respectful relationship with your DH. Mine tells me all the time what a good mum I am, how grateful he is for everything I do and that I apparently work harder than he does. I do 100% of childcare while he’s at work and everything else is 50/50. As DH says ‘it’s a team sport!’

@Boysnme yes I'm only planning on a couple of years. Maybe I might return earlier

Sorry I’d assumed you were planning longer. I still think you should consider everything everyone has said and make sure it’s right for you and your DH. If it is then go for it, just be mindful that things can & do change and make sure you have a back up plan for that.

Op all my sahm friends who have wanted to have gone back to
decent jobs In their old fields. If you good candidate with good skills.

You have plenty of time to decide so wait and see how you feel. In 6 months you might want to go back to work! I have 4 DC's and am a SAHM. I've never looked back. Take all points above on board and try to protect your self financially if you decide to be a SAHM (if that's possible...?). But if you absolutely want to stay at home in March and your situation allows it then don't be put off by 'what if's' in the future. The present is just as important. Follow your gut.

I split from my ex when I was at home with young DC. It has had a huge impact on my career and earnings, both of which have been up and down since. I would recommend part time. You would keep your foot in the door and maintain some financial independence. The main impact of childcare costs only lasts a couple of years before free hours make it less expensive. Don't underestimate how difficult it can be to get a job once you are mother. If you did split, living off the amount the CMS recommend and benefits will not give you a comfortable life.

Hi op good luck whatever you decide. My friend minds a child so thats her money. My only negative being home was starting on low ish wages when I got back working as I had time out. You have weigh up whats right for you.

My relative is a very experienced divorce barrister, none of her female clients thought their husbands would leave either. If they do they often try to get out of paying their dues.

The person you divorce is not the person you divorce and if it happens to you it’s a bloody hard lesson learned.

I don’t think it’s a good idea for any woman without independent means to give up work. We’re far too vulnerable.

The regret cuts both ways. I know women who worked through and wished they hadn’t. Once those years are gone they are gone. Once they hit 14 it’s all about the friends. Either way is a gamble.

Not all contributions to family life are financial so yes you absolutely would be contributing to the family by being full time at home! And as for social life, I was never really at home, I took my pre school dcs out every day, sometimes to organised groups and other times to parks or soft play or to play at friends house. I met lots of people at a similar life stage and developed great friendships with other mums that have continued well past the kids starting school. I don't regret it for a moment and have had a career change since they've started school but part time by choice so I can still go to all the assemblies etc. DH and I are both very happy with our shared contribution and all finances are fully joint and transparent.