to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Interesting hearing what people say about adult company. I have met lots of mums at toddler groups etc (we do them on my day off and while I was on mat leave) and I don’t really count it as adult company as all anyone ends up talking about is their children. For me, adult company means being with adults and not talking about babies and toddlers 95% of the time. If that’s what you’re looking for then don’t rely on meeting other mums out and about to fulfil those needs! Maybe my experience isn’t typical but I find it nigh on impossible to spend time with mums and our children on weekdays and not end up with a child-focussed conversation. I go to my office (or I did!) for what I feel is genuinely adult company in an adult centred environment.

And I think some people are over-simplifying the point about having something to talk to your husband about. It’s more complex than just the amount of time you spend talking about your job. I don’t talk that much to my husband about my day to day job, but having that life outside the home keeps me more rounded. I think the point really is that for many women, being at home shrinks their world (I definitely felt that on mat leave) and makes them so focussed on their children and the whole world of mums, that a distance opens up between the couple because their lives are so different day to day. I think it’s a subtle change in dynamic that can have an affect, not always granted, rather than the woman sitting there mute because she literally has nothing to talk about.

I do think the Op and some other posters are quite dismissive of valid pints raised by lots of women about their own lives experience. You can be fairly confident that things won’t go a certain way for you without scoffing at the mere possibility. Life has funny ways of working out and however confident and happy you are in your relationship it never hurts to bear in mind the what ifs and not just laugh at the warnings you’re being given even if ultimately you decide that staying home is right for you.

The thing for me was that work gave me a sense of “self,” a space to not be a mum, or a wife, just for a couple of days a week. It’s really important for your mental health to have an identity away from the demands of a family. Everyone is different of course, but a healthy balance is never a bad thing.

I would also say that it’s healthy for your little one to get used to being around others occasionally.

@Lelophants

Mumsnet is very anti SAHM op 😄😄👍 Apparently waiting until your child is 2 before you return for the workplace means you must have a hideous relationship and your husband must hate you and want to cheat on you.

@Lelophants yeah that's the impression I've taken from this 😂

Interesting hearing what people say about adult company. I have met lots of mums at toddler groups etc (we do them on my day off and while I was on mat leave) and I don’t really count it as adult company as all anyone ends up talking about is their children. For me, adult company means being with adults and not talking about babies and toddlers 95% of the time.

I agree with this so much! It's taken years to become 'proper' friends with some of the mums I've met. I love going to work because I'm 'nquartz' not just 'Johnny's mum'

@cinammonbuns in my entire circle I only know one person furloughed, everyone else still working, a fair few have been awarded bonuses that originally were off the table (finance, law). However I would say very few jobs are 100% secure because very few industries exist in a vacuum. And then even for the secure ones it's likely we will see tax hikes.

@angelfishrock yes but it's something to think about if the OP as the OP has yet to finish mat leave. It could mean she doesn't have a very long period of paying full fees.

Lelophants
Mumsnet is very anti SAHM op 😄😄👍
Apparently waiting until your child is 2 before you return for the workplace means you must have a hideous relationship and your husband must hate you and want to cheat on you.
@Lelophants yeah that's the impression I've taken from this 😂

Maybe because a lot of us have lived it

We all feel the Same - none of us want to leave the baby and go to work.

The nursery fees are not just your responsibility - your H will contribute towards the costs too, by going back to work you keep a pension, your benefits, your status etc. To Give up a job in this climate is a tough Decision. People are losing jobs. Go back part time. If it doesn’t work out then give up completely.

I didn't expect to be reading that if I don't go back to work I'll become boring, my husband will cheat and I'll end up a single mother with no pension, working in a super market....

No one is saying that, but it is a risk. I would never recommend anyone to give up work - EVER.

I went back to work PT after my mat leave. A year after I had DC2 my lovely DH had a mental health breakdown. It culminated in him losing his job and becoming abusive towards me.

There were no signs this would happen.

We are still together and he is slowly recovering. But it has affected our relationship and I’m not sure if we will be together forever anymore.

We used to love each other so much ☹️

Thank goodness I kept on working otherwise we would be on benefits

Giving up a job because the childcare costs would consume your salary is a very short-term thinking.
Childcare costs are high no more than 4 years and usually much shorter. I am in NZ so not sure about UK but here the state subsidy kicks in at 3 and costs drop. So really it's 2 years of scrimping and saving - against investment in your

For both kids, we got the best possible childcare we could afford for the immediate 1-1.5 after the end of my maternity leave and I went part time first 3 then 4 days. Financially these were not great years but... the children were well looked after. I had quite a lot of time with them while I kept my job allowing me to maintain and increase my earnings. They're now 7 and 10, my salary is about 50% higher than back when they were toddlers (and full time, so more!) with good future prospects, we paid off the mortgage, which is especially important as my husband's business is not doing well in the crisis.

So even with the stable relationship and good health I wouldn't bank everything on one earner if there are ways in which you can stay in the game.

I'll end up a single mother with no pension, working in a super market....

Well you might. Do you think that's beneath you? You're not a particularly high earner as you say you won't be left with much after childcare so that's a odd thing to say.

I just wanted to hear other people's opinions / stories.

but you are very selective to which responses you answer. Some comments were ridiculus but many posters raised very valid points which you have blanked.

Personally I would try to stay in the workplace even if you find a different job. I've seen too many people get sick/partner sick/die unexpectedly/divorce or simply loose their job to not want to be personally independent. Of course, we all hope these things won't happen but they do.

@GeorginaTheGiant yes, good way of putting it & I often felt it. I had 13 months off & was happy to go back.

You posted saying you wanted people's opinions and stories - you have them. But because you don't like them, you are choosing to dismiss them.

What was the point of your thread if all you wanted was validation? Be a SAHP if that's what you want to do. But it's a bit weird to start a thread asking if YABU to give up your job, and then take issue with people who say that they think it would be foolish to do so.

If you want to be a SAHM and are prepared to take the risks, do it. Personally I am glad I didn't have the choice and always worked. I didn't think my husband would become an abusive alcoholic and then die, but it happened. Two of my friends chose to be SAHM and got royally shafted when their OHs found a younger alternative. That's the risk.

@allthemteeth If you're going back to work once your child turns two then it might not be so hard to get back in, I assumed the break would be longer.

I have been a SAHM for two years inc one year mat leave and have loved it, don't feel like my world has shrunk at all and actually have gained a lot through personal academic study in my evenings/weekends

I had updated my CV and started a job search pre Covid, now am pregnant with DC2. There were various reasons for me not returning initially including a move.

I am very happy with my life and my husband is too but I must say I am very nervous now about being out of the workforce for so long and do feel vulnerable for all the reasons pps have mentioned. Hopefully though I can return to some form of career even if not at the same level (I previously earnt the same as DH)

We do have life cover and critical illness insurance for us both, finances are ok and all goes into a joint account so all that side of things I'm not worried about, I suppose it is the possibility of DH leaving one day that terrifies me

I felt similar when my maternity leave ran out, but then I thought that after 2 or 3 years at home I might feel fed up and bored, and after that there's either the constant need to justify why you're not working once the children are at school, or the thought of starting again at the bottom once having been out of the job market for a bit.
I found when my children were teenagers I was grateful for having two incomes.

Just to give our experience of it, we come at it from the other side where DH is a SAHD and I work.

I returned part time after our DC then DH was diagnosed with some heath conditions and also made redundant unexpectedly. I was fortunate enough to be able to increase my hours and as it became apparent that DH wasn’t going to be able to work due to health reasons I became the full time career mum.

Over the years I have been able to progress my career while DH has stayed at home with the kids. We have one pot of family money and we both contribute to the family equally but in different ways, and discuss big purchases but other than that it’s family money. I didn’t get married thinking we’d get divorced and I 10+ years later don’t have any reason to believe we ever will, although do know that things can change.

My DH is now in a position to go back to work, he’s got a professional qualification that he can still use but he’s now finding that he can’t get a job because he’s got such a gap in his cv and subsequently I now feel completely stuck in a stressful job that I can’t just walk away from.

So whilst I am glad that our kids had one of their parents at home with them were now thinking about how this has impacted our future. We’ve got one pension, one person with enormous pressure on them as the sole earner, one person desperate to get back into work and struggling with it. I’m also fearful of being made redundant despite being in a secure job because that’s just the times we live in.

There’s no right or wrong answer to this OP but just make sure you consider everything and how it will impact both of you.

If you do decide to be a SAHM please do try and keep your hand in somewhere so you have something on you cv when you go back and remember that you are always making an equal contribution whether your role earns or not.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

This time around I'll probably start looking when DC2 is about 1, so will have been out of the workforce 3 and a bit years

Yes. With the post-pandemic economic crisis just starting, and 2008 not that far back, I think it is necessary to maintain a clear, rational perspective - what's the plan for the worst-case scenario ie one of you getting sick, losing job? Do you have enough of a cushion (savings, investment)? Insurance? How would you pay for childcare should you get sick and your husband had to keep working to pay bills?
My husband and I have had in our families unfortunate examples of people dying suddenly, or losing jobs unexpectedly, which has left us with a very pragmatic perspective on money and careers.

I suppose it is the possibility of DH leaving one day that terrifies me

A friend is going through a divorce. Usual story, good husband, hands on dad but bam mid life crisis. He's like a different person. Work has helped in a number of ways & actually opened my eyes to the importance of staying in work.

That's true and in hindsight perhaps I should have done thinks differently but due DC2 soon and there's very little I can do now except keep up with volunteer work and hope that when DC2 is a year old there is some possibility of me finding reasonable work!

Sorry, I didn't really mean "that's true" in response to your life experience, more meant I can understand why work was helpful and am very aware the unexpected can happen