to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I’ve also discovered that it’s a LOT easier to negotiate part-time work/different hours for a job you already have, than to try and find a part-time or school-friendly hours job. My employer has been happy for me to suggest various plans for September depending on the availability (or not!) of wraparound care. Whereas friend who did stop work and then looked for a job when kids were at school really struggled to find anything.

I’ve also discovered that it’s a LOT easier to negotiate part-time work/different hours for a job you already have, than to try and find a part-time or school-friendly hours job.

This is a very important point

I havn’t read the full 32 pages, but I couldn’t wait to go back to work when DS was a year old. I worked 3 days a week. I was craving adult company, and BDGH groups weren’t cutting it for me anymore.

DH applied for p/t working too, but as a construction site manager, this was deemed unsuitable for business needs. He was offered a different role that would allow him to work p/t, but the site manager job is more local. We decided that local, full time was better than away during the week, part time.

I work for a large public body, and we encourage shared parental leave. Over the last few years about 10 of my immediate male colleagues have taken 3-9 months off. A lot of the older men have said that they wished they’d had the opportunity to have substantial paid time off when their children were babies. We also have a few men who went part time when their partners returned to work - of these, the endear child in question is 16 now, so this was pretty forward thinking at the time. We’re an organisation that is constantly criticised in the news, but I feel we’re pretty good on stuff like this.

[quote GeorginaTheGiant]@ShebaShimmyShake sadly many women still believe that marriage is just an unimportant piece of paper and many people are woefully uneducated about the actual legal implications of marriage, or under the illusion that there is such a thing as a common law wife in the UK.

I have a good friend who has just announced she’s giving up her well paid job after her third baby is born. She works in the kind of creative industry that is very competitive and fast changing and no way on earth will she walk back in at the level she’s at now with even a couple of years out. She is unmarried and I’m worried sick for her as she is not the type to have explored the legal and practical implications of her decision at all. I’m currently battling with myself over whether to say anything or keep my nose out. I know it’s none of my business but I adore her and I’d be devastated if she got screwed over down the line and I’d had the chance to gently point out some things she might want to think about but didn’t. My gut is screaming at her to get down the registry office and sign that unimportant bit of paper pronto but who am I to tell her that? I wish this stuff was taught in schools, I really do.[/quote]
I'd talk to her; if she's a friend then she'll realise you have her best interests at heart and you say she genuinely doesn't realise the implications (amazing how many people don't actually know what marriage is). If she doesn't listen, you'll have done all you could.

Please do talk to her. I saw this happen to a colleague in the arts and it was not pretty.

Hi, I worked flexible FT with additional overtime but returned to same job in a less flexible PT only manner ( 3 days p/w) after my DD was born. I remained PT after DS1 was born ( pretty close together). I had a decent amount of Mat leave on full pay then 90% through my employer but my PT salary just about covered the nursery costs. However the benefit was that I maintained my company pension contributions and other company benefits. It was hard leaving the children but it worked for us. When DS2 was born, Maternity leave entitlement had increased so I took 12 months off, then a further 12 months unpaid career break. I planned to return to my job when he was two but got made redundant. I then chose to be a SAHM until my youngest started school. I rejoined the workforce in a different job on a PT, term time only basis on the same day that DS2 started school.

Does your employer offer unpaid career breaks rather than you give up your job?

In reality it a bit of a gamble whatever you decide

You could miss out on that time with your child you can never ever get back

Or you could end up your marriage going down the pan and regret being a sahm
But then again your marriage can still go down the pain as a wohm too

There’s so guarantee you just have to pick the gamble you want the most

I think if you go down to part time for a while and see how that works out for you and your husband and if your still both fine maybe then think about quitting work to be a SAHM.

Agree that working doesn’t mean never seeing your child! I work 5 days a week condensed hours (in a very senior job!) and pick them up from school 2 days a week when I work from home. Prior to that, pre-school, I did 4 days and so did her Dad so they did 3 days in nursery.

At the risk of projecting, I'm going to say dont do it. I had my first DS when I was temping, so I had no job to go back to. It was planned, I wanted a baby badly (heart ruled head), but I never though it would be that hard to get part-time work afterwards. It was at the time of the credit crunch and although I had some interviews I got nothing. I also considered full time, but it felt too long to leave my baby for, for not great money. I had no family support. I therefore started doing Avon and then mystery shopping (had another baby) and managed to build up my mystery shopping work, I was also offered regular audits. This worked for a while. I also did a stint of bank admin work at a local hospital which ended badly. The bottom line is that I am now (at the age of nearly 46) trying to get an entry level admin job cause I feel thats all I'm capable. I am terrified, not very hopeful cause of the recession and extensive job competition,panicky and scared. I have hardly any pension, work for not much money at the moment but get no holiday pay as self-employed (bring out my violin sorry, its a bad day) and have less confidence that I did in my early 20s and I didn't have a lot then. If I had my time again, I wouldn't have had a baby with no job to go back to and would advise anybody not to have kids unless they are very financially secure and employable. I honestly dont know how I'm going to find a way forward and hope that by being this honest, it stops someone making the same mistake as me.

I worked full time as a dental nurse for almost 10 years before having my son. It was poorly paid (£8.25 an hour) and you weren't always treated fairly. I worked 7.45am - 8pm once with no break while I was pregnant as they were short staffed. Once I had my son I didn't go back. My partner earned around 45k a year so we managed. When DS was about 18 months old a little tearooom and shop opened in the village my mum lives and the wage is £10ph! I'm treated with respect and as a human, not a robot and a number like I was dental nursing.
My partner now earns 60k and the tearoom has cut hours due to COVID so I might just do 4 hours a week once furlough ends. For our situation as a family at the moment, its ideal. Ok, I'm not working a career but I did that for 10 years and didn't get anywhere! When DS is older I might retrain in another field but I'm not sure what at the moment. If you're not happy in your job and you can afford to be home with you child I would go for it.

@Tellmetruth4

A lot of people seem to focus on the ‘precious years’ when your child ‘needs his mother’ as being 0-5. Personally from my own childhood experiences I feel as though the time I needed my parents around more was 12-18.

Prior to that life seemed quite simple, school was easier, friendships easier, life easier. When I became a teen, there was more pressure from everywhere, smoking, sex, body image, peer pressure, bullying and a lot of these weren’t
even my personal issues, it was worries about close friends and what to do as when you’re a teen everything is such a big issue.

I really needed my parents to be closer and to be alert to stuff to help guide me. However, they were more around when I was younger and worked more when I was older and I felt a bit vulnerable.

We’re trying to make it so we work full time whilst the kids are younger so we can pay mortgage off quickly then we will both reduce our hours when they become older.

I don’t want to sound dismissive but soft play and stuff is the easy stuff which can be done by various people. It doesn’t have to be you all the time. As long as your child had a happy day finger painting, they aren’t going to remember if it happened with you, Nan, childminder or the nursery key worker. They will remember the happiness which will set them up for a happier life. I think the ‘precious years’ stuff is more for the benefit of the parent. The kid will remember the stuff which happened when they were teens more so why risk your financial stability and potentially have to work more when they’re older in order to go to soft play which they won’t remember?

@allthemteeth late to this party but also a sahm with some advice.

Firstly, like all parenting decisions everyone will have an opinion and theirs is correct. Get used to it. And know that you will always be wrong... but once you accept that, you are liberated to do whatever you think best

I’ve quoted the post above because it contains wisdom that may help you. It is true that your baby and toddler and even young child have many physical needs, but their emotional needs are simpler. Loving kindness is important but it doesn’t have to come from mum/dad.
Whereas navigating the older years is all about mental and emotional needs. Older children really need support to think through and talk through the dilemmas and challenges of growing up. And if you, as parents, don’t have the time to do this, they will turn to their peers. These are the years of exams, social media, introduction to drugs, sex, politics, career ambitions, so it is vital you are in the room when they set their moral compass.

So if you are thinking either/or I would recommend you go back to work next year and give it a go. (Also maybe take advantage of another maternity leave or two - I’m so getting flamed for saying that!). If you hate it, try to find something part time. Also this will help you establish a longer career to return to at some point. If you can, try to get a promotion before you stop work.

But maybe (privately) plan to take a break when your DC transition to secondary school. This is what I did, accidentally due to a combination of redundancy, ill health, family issues.

I think also that it’s important for your DH to experience why you being a sahm works for you as a family. Once your DH experiences the reality of two working parents with important meetings, a sick child and a burst pipe, (or similar), they will appreciate the benefit of having one parent stay at home. My DH loves loves loves that he no longer has to negotiate with me about pick ups and drop offs, whose turn it is to stay off, who can travel on business each week, which holiday weeks we are taking off, how we cope with unexpected snow days, etc. Our family life is low stress and very happy now.

Things that make it work.

Money
I have control of all our money. I manage the bills and the house so I manage our savings, pensions, everything. In fact as a non-tax payer most of the investments are in my name alone. My husband never looks at what I spend, we respect each other and only discuss large purchases together. I would never be a sahm without control of the finances.

Personal time
I go out with friends. I have hobbies. These are part of the deal. eg if DH has to work on a hobby night, then I get a babysitter (well I did when they were younger).

Mutual respect
Including the kids knowing that I used to have a career and I’m on a break (just a long one).

I did have a really successful career and I never once imagined I would be a sahm . Motherhood changed me and I’m really glad I made this decision. I hope you feel able to do what’s best for you.

Why does every second poster use the phrase 'time you can never get back'? What time do you get back?! Is it widely believed that WOHMs are labouring under the misapprehension that they'll be gifted time travel?

You could miss out on that time with your child you can never ever get back

Why do people keep saying this ?

They are either being looked after by the other parent or CC for a max of 37.5 hours per week if FT .
That leaves 130 hours per week.
I think some SAHP think WOHP walk off to work never to see their DC again 😂
I WOH 16 hours per week when mine were little, why would I want that time back?
That 16 hours has ensured Ive kept my MH intact, my increments and AL plus my pension .
I wouldnt change a thing !

I forgot to say I was worried about returning towards the end of my career break as my office had just relocated. It was further away with limited parking. Staff needed to arrive before 8am to get a space, otherwise had to use a park n ride car park and be bussed in. All the extra travel time meant it was not possible to work my previous pattern and fit in with Nursery opening hours. I took Voluntary Redundancy and was a SAHM until DS2 went to school.

I don't think I'm the only parent who, though I love my daughter more than life, felt that literally every moment of every day was magical and special and to be cherished forever. A lot of them were pretty mundane and dull. I definitely enjoyed my time with her more and was more engaged because I had a few days doing my professional thing every week.

A few people have talked about it being a gamble...seems to me that, if you're going to look at it from that perspective, the most risk averse course is to work part time if that's an option. Then you keep your hand in everywhere, and it's definitely easier to quit a job than find one.

Blah. DIDN'T feel that literally every moment of every day was magical etc.

@NameChange2PostThis thank you for this, it's a really useful perspective. I was keen to stay at home once my contract finishes, but now a bit worried about my husband's health. It's so hard to know what to do, what's best for everyone, what's the lowest risk - endless ways of looking at it really!

@StyleandBeautyfail

You could miss out on that time with your child you can never ever get back

Why do people keep saying this ?

They are either being looked after by the other parent or CC for a max of 37.5 hours per week if FT .
That leaves 130 hours per week.
I think some SAHP think WOHP walk off to work never to see their DC again 😂
I WOH 16 hours per week when mine were little, why would I want that time back?
That 16 hours has ensured Ive kept my MH intact, my increments and AL plus my pension .
I wouldnt change a thing !

@StyleandBeautyfail It depends on your job. When I worked full time my DC were in childcare for 11 hours a day 5 days a week because like most people, I had to commute. Plus I had to travel overnight for work one week out of four. When I was at home I only saw my DC for around 2 hours of waking time a day on a weekday - I missed them.

I worked with plenty of people who worked longer hours and were away from home more.

I missed several birthdays, school open days, school plays as well as many ‘firsts’. This is what people mean when they say you can’t get that time back. It’s worth thinking about beforehand.

So stop with the assumptions and sneering. Not all of us have the privilege of a job that can be cut back.

stop with the assumptions and sneering. Not all of us have the privilege of a job that can be cut back
No assumptions or sneering from me
I asked a question.
If you choose to assume its sneering or Im being nasty thats your issue not mine.
Ive never, nor has anyone I know worked such long hours , even pre DC.
I can see that you would feel you are missing out but presumably you chose that lifestyle and had children knowing there would be challenges 🤷‍♀️

Don't give up your job and your independence.

Look at reducing your hours, flecible working, increasing working from home or even changing to a more flexible role.

It leaves you so vulnerable to be out of work completely. It is difficult to go back at the same level too.

[quote Tootletum]@NameChange2PostThis thank you for this, it's a really useful perspective. I was keen to stay at home once my contract finishes, but now a bit worried about my husband's health. It's so hard to know what to do, what's best for everyone, what's the lowest risk - endless ways of looking at it really![/quote]
@Tootletum happy if it helps. MN often feels aggressively anti sahm. I’m not sure why as I don’t personally feel the need to denigrate other women’s choices in order to justify mine.

If your DH can’t work FT due to health issues, is there an option for you both to work PT? Or can you do contracting just a few months a year?

Good luck.

@StyleandBeautyfail

stop with the assumptions and sneering. Not all of us have the privilege of a job that can be cut back No assumptions or sneering from me I asked a question. If you choose to assume its sneering or Im being nasty thats your issue not mine. Ive never, nor has anyone I know worked such long hours , even pre DC. I can see that you would feel you are missing out but presumably you chose that lifestyle and had children knowing there would be challenges 🤷‍♀️

@StyleandBeautyfail

‘TUC analysis has shown that the total average UK commute takes up just less than an hour per day (58.4 minutes). There are regional differences here, with Londoners having the longest commute (81 minutes).’

Perhaps you are lucky and live right next to your DC’s childcare and only know people who also share this privilege... most of us have (had) commutes of an hour on average.

If someone makes an assumption negative comment about what a sahp thinks and appends a laughing smiling face emoji to it, I’m going to assume they are sneering.

*assumptive

@NameChange2PostThis I know, seems a shame to be at each others throats when we all want the same thing, but have different views on how to achieve it. I guess there's also a lot of frustration with the financial choices or lack thereof. Yeah, not sure what we'll do, probably just see where fate takes us. We blow in the wind and hope for the best, really. Fallible human beings fucking things up since 1977.