to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I can’t believe how many negative comments about toxic relationships there are. Not all relationships are toxic. In fact the majority are not.

why would you want to pay someone to look after the child you’d wanted yourself?!

You do realise they don’t take them off your hands completely? Just for the (in my case) 21 hours a week. The other 90% of the week I get to look after her. And in return I have a career, a good wage and all of the tangible and intangible benefits of work. Why wouldn’t I want to?

why would you want to pay someone to look after the child you’d wanted yourself?!

Jesus, you'd judge me then for sending DC1 to preschool when I was on mat leave with DC2!

When the children are little it’s lovely to be ‘around’. When they are 3, 4, 5 & 6 or so you realise that they’re just mess-machines and that what you’ve taken on is ... 1) a never ending battle to get them to reduce or tidy the mess 2) CONSTANT housework beside you’d just like to enjoy them bring children without having super strict rules.

Feeling like the house servant is shit. And I say that from the relative advantage of a ‘good’ husband, kids who will occasionally offer to help out and a (at times very part-time) PT job with the ability to pay monthly into a decent pension, (which I could have started contributing to way earlier but that’s another story).

Part-time might be the best of both worlds but basically there is NO magic option.

Part-time work has saved my sanity when things are tough at home. And they do get tough sometimes! I’m under no illusions however about the career, self-esteem and confidence sacrifices that not working full time this has taken...

Don’t give up work without -

• regular breaks from the drudgery
• carrying on pension contributions
• considering whether you want to be the everything at home and the nothing outside of it.

why would you want to pay someone to look after the child you’d wanted yourself?!

No one ever says this to men, do they?

I gave up my career to be a SAHM. Ended up on benefits as I split with my daughters father. That wasn't fun but out of that I built up my own business. Had dc2 quite a few years later and gave up my business to be a SAHM again but in a much more secure relationship and have taken the time to complete a degree and a little side business. Honestly if I had my time over, I'd do it the same. Yes there were hard times financially but for me it was more important to stay at home. People have different lifestyles so you have to do what works for you. You could always get an evening job so you're still working too!

@Shewhomustbeobeyed1

I can’t believe how many negative comments about toxic relationships there are. Not all relationships are toxic. In fact the majority are not.

Half of all British marriages end in divorce. There are plenty of non-toxic relationships but if you are basing your financial security on your relationship not failing you are literally gambling with 50% odds.

And that doesn't take into account the marriages where the breadwinner dies or become incapacitated through illness.

I don't like those odds.

I gave up a stressful job 14 years ago when I had my 2nd.

I went back to work after my first when he was only 7 months old. I’m not planning On going back to work. I enjoy being a SAHM even though my kids are now teenagers.

It's simple.
If you want to be a sahm you need:

To be married, a pension/ pension provision, 50% shareholder if here's a business. In charge of or at least knowledgeable about household income. Able to use money equally when needed.
Nobody ever thinks he is going to leave them, and it happens.
It's not being pessimistic it's realism.

why would you pay someone else (who won't love them as you do) to help them grow?

You do realise that people don't work 24/7, and still spend a sizable chunk of time with their children, right? . Personally I feel DS is developing nicely with the balance of being at home with us, and being in a nursery environment with other children. I am under no illusions that being around me all of the time would make him any happier, or develop his social and other skills any quicker.

My husband left me after 23 years of marriage. I had kept my job and career and am doing fine. I’ve made close friends with 8 other single parents since it happened and 7 of them are now struggling in crap jobs and claiming UC because they gave up their jobs to be SAHM. Please don’t put yourself at this risk.

And my relationship wasn’t toxic. It was great until it wasn’t!

I did exactly what you describe, and I haven’t looked back. I’m lucky that I can freelance in my industry, so I am still earning —though less than a full-time wage. But as you said, I figured that at least I’m not just using the same amount I was earning for childcare.

@Givemlala

why would you pay someone else (who won't love them as you do) to help them grow?

You do realise that people don't work 24/7, and still spend a sizable chunk of time with their children, right? . Personally I feel DS is developing nicely with the balance of being at home with us, and being in a nursery environment with other children. I am under no illusions that being around me all of the time would make him any happier, or develop his social and other skills any quicker.

It’s really bizarre how some people speak as if the alternative to being a fully SAHM is waving a permanent goodbye to your child and having no hand in their upbringing or spending any time from them from there on. I’m not sure if it’s people being deliberately obtuse or genuinely a bit dense.

My children spend three days a week at nursery and the other four equally between my husband and I with both of us working four days. Mornings and evenings on nursery days also at home. Oddly enough the staff are glaringly absent during night wakings too. Sometimes I wonder what I’m paying them for!

For me it’s absolutely the best of both worlds and I have never felt any of us are lacking anything. I get to experience the playgroups, park trips etc on my day off and they have that with their dad one day too. And lots of lovely family time at weekends. Particularly since lockdown but honestly even before, I feel I get a great amount of quality time with them.

It's really bizarre how some people speak as if the alternative to being a fully SAHM is waving a permanent goodbye to your child and having no hand in their upbringing or spending any time from them from there on. I’m not sure if it’s people being deliberately obtuse or genuinely a bit dense.

It's such an absurdly stupid position to hold that whenever I see it, I do honestly wonder if it's actually a WOHP posing as a SAHP and trying to make them look ridiculous.

It’s really bizarre the way some paint that taking a few years out of a potentially 40 year long career will mean doom and disaster and never working again 🙄

I didn’t go back after my second child. Hubby was made redundant when she was 3 month old so set up his own business. I was part time and knew that if I went back all the childcare arrangements would fall to me so I wouldn’t have been able to do my job as well as I would have wanted to. Plus I wanted to be responsible for my children’s upbringing. My eldest is starting high school and my youngest is now 6 and I’m thinking of now retraining as I don’t want to go back to what I was doing before. Your children are only little once, I say if your gut is saying stay at home to raise her, and you can afford it then do it. But you will need a firm financial arrangement in place as asking to spend money won’t be nice. I have a ‘salary’ paid into my account which works for us

I don't think anyone's arguing that a few years out will kill off a long career but there can often be a slippery slope effect. This happened to my younger sister. She had qualified in a profession shortly before getting pregnant. It wasn't "worth" going back because she was so junior and inexperienced that she would have basically been starting again while competing for jobs with people with fewer restrictions on their time. She had a second child. She finally got back into work about 8 years later (minimum wage, no training or possibility for advancement). My conclusion from this was it's essential to have a plan and a plan B if you possibly can, because one year turns into ten surprisingly quickly. Also, as many people have stated on here, nursery is a lot easier than primary school to handle and then there's the support teenagers need. If you've been juggling work for a decade and a half by the teenager stage you're in a much better position re picking and choosing jobs, reducing hours, etc and you have much more pension. Plus you have a clear idea of whether your partner will put his money where his mouth is re parenting.

@MsTSwift

It’s really bizarre the way some paint that taking a few years out of a potentially 40 year long career will mean doom and disaster and never working again 🙄

That’s massively oversimplifying the many complex issues and risks raised by the countless women on this thread who have shared their real, lived experiences but ok Literally no one on here has made such ridiculous blanket statements about not working and presented them as fact, they have simply highlighted the various risks involved and stated that things can and often do not go as planned. Show me one post that says what you have said in yours here. On the other hand there have been a number of statements saying in black and white ‘why have children if you’re going to farm them out’ or similar.

It took me many years to realise that this idea that my wage would only have brought in around £200 above the childcare and commuting costs was completely flawed, and I should have seen it as £1200 since my husband should have been paying £1000 to childcare too. Also staying at work should be viewed as an investment in one’s career. My husband earns 3x what he earned when we had our first child. I would be lucky to get 1x my then salary now. And he has been paying into his pension for all of this time.

OP you mentioned that you are in accounting - I know many women who have managed to get good jobs with accounting qualifications, so this should stand you in good stead for finding work after a career break.

Also, you are married so while it is - sadly - naive to assume that all will be well into the future if you go the SAHM route, at least if it all goes tits up you will have some recourse. My friend had 4 kids with her partner, who constantly asked her if she would marry him - she said no as they were happy as they are - and 20 years on, he has gone off with another woman and she has no legal rights to anything. Properly tragic. She’s kicking herself because he would have got married at any time but she always thought they’d be fine.

I’m a SAHM. It would be fine if it was all about the mum stuff. Unfortunately being the home person involves doing the daily drudgery. I didn’t grow up wanting to do the laundry, clean the floors, do the cooking, etc! In fact, I used to pay someone to do all of this stuff and they worked 40 hours a week without including any childcare! So it’s perhaps not surprising that I’m run ragged. But tbh a lot of the working mums that I know have all of the household stress as well as work stress, so I’m actually pretty grateful that I don’t have to hold down a big job too.

@Choccorocco, how awful for your friend. Why on earth didn't she marry him, given how willing he was? And did he see her right financially when they split up despite not being married?

I never thought I would be a SAHM but felt exactly as you do and it worked really well. My husband supported my decision and paid money into my account so I earned a salary to spend on food and other household activities. I returned to a good (full time plus travel) job when my youngest was 2 but after lockdown in March I realised what I had missed and have loved the last 6 months and spending time getting to know his funny character. I dont regret going back but I also dont regret the time I have had off and now both are in school I am looking at part-time work. Time truly is precious and you wont have this opportunity again.

I agree with AdoptAdaptImprove

^It’s still a while away, so don’t make any decisions just yet.

I know that you’d only be breaking even financially if you went back part time, but there’s more to it than money - you’d still be in work, keeping up your experience and professional development, paying into your pension, and progressing. If you do take the time out entirely, you’ll be making it much harder to go back after a break of - potentially - several years. Even if you’re well qualified, loss of that current experience will put you at a disadvantage when you go back to job searching.

I know the time with your child is irreplaceable, but by splitting the difference and working part time, you’d be setting yourself up to give them much greater advantages in the future.^

Losing the experience and being up to date can be a big barrier when going back into work and its one of the big reasons I went back. With the way things are with COVID, Brexit and the recession it will not be easy to get back into a lot of areas.

I also agree that no one intends on splitting up, I thought I would be with my ex forever and was so relieved I had stayed in work.

You have time, weigh everything up very carefully and don't rush into a decision. You are getting really good advice from all posters.

@ShebaShimmyShake sadly many women still believe that marriage is just an unimportant piece of paper and many people are woefully uneducated about the actual legal implications of marriage, or under the illusion that there is such a thing as a common law wife in the UK.

I have a good friend who has just announced she’s giving up her well paid job after her third baby is born. She works in the kind of creative industry that is very competitive and fast changing and no way on earth will she walk back in at the level she’s at now with even a couple of years out. She is unmarried and I’m worried sick for her as she is not the type to have explored the legal and practical implications of her decision at all. I’m currently battling with myself over whether to say anything or keep my nose out. I know it’s none of my business but I adore her and I’d be devastated if she got screwed over down the line and I’d had the chance to gently point out some things she might want to think about but didn’t. My gut is screaming at her to get down the registry office and sign that unimportant bit of paper pronto but who am I to tell her that? I wish this stuff was taught in schools, I really do.

Form the perspective of someone about to send DD off to primary school for the first time - I’m VERY glad I did go back to work, albeit part-time (0.6). It’s been tough - there were two years (ages 1-3) when my working hours only just about covered the nursery fees and commuting costs. But the advantages have been huge - it’s made our time together have more emphasis on ‘quality’ time, DD has done all sorts of things at nursery that it would never have occurred to me to do with her. She’s really blossomed and grown in confidence - she’s now used to interacting with other kids and has good relationships with adults she sees regularly that she’d never have had staying at home with me as we don’t have any family nearby.

Plus I still have a career, have been able to take advantage of CPD over the last few years and am now in a position to move on up the career ladder - if I’d stopped work I’d now be looking for a (probably) lower level job in a recession! I don’t think many women recover from the hit to their career if they take a few years out and then try and return to it - you’re unlikely to return at the same level you left. There’s also what happens if something happens to your DH (not just leaving you, but serious illness etc).

There are lots of options. Look at how much you earn per day, and the cost of childcare (childminders are often cheaper). Does that cover the cost per day? Especially with two salaries to factor in. Could you and/or your DH do condensed hours so you each do 5 days work in 4. Or four days work in 3. That means you each have a day at least to spend with your child, and still both work and cuts down on the amount of childcare you have to pay for. Bear in mind that ages 1-3 are the most expensive, then the free funding hours from 3 kick in and reduce the bills a bit. Personally I found that working 3 days a week worked well for us, but each family is different.