to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

@ValancyRedfern

I would only quit my job after making sure everything was agreed between me and dh about what would happen if we split. Nobody thinks they're going to split but but 50% of marriages do and it's generally the wife who suffers financially.

Even a verbal agreement would be no good. Nobody plans to get divorced other wise I’m sure they would not walk down the isle. Being a SAHM is not even about the lack of money alone. It seems that after been at home and the kids get their own personalities and independence mums do not know what to do with themselves so they yearn for the baby stage... repeat and before you know it returning back to work seems very very daunting for them.

I have no regrets giving up my career. I had a very good job, well paid, living in London, I put in 60 hours a week because my job was my life. I actually enjoyed every second of it. When I was pregnant I was determined that I would go back after maternity leave and then the baby was born and as the months progressed I was emotional, I was different, I was suddenly attatched in a way I wasn't prepared for or expecting and I felt I didn't want to leave my son. I didn't want to go to work and let someone else look after him. I wanted to be with him everyday.
I too have a husband with a good job too and we were fine financially without my wages and he pleased with my decision to stay home as he felt that's what a baby needs... His mother. That's what I signed up for. At first it takes a bit of getting used to mentally that your not 'putting into the pot' and for that reason, when he almost 4 I took up a general part time Job at the weekends which gave me £790 a month. I think you need to remember that your married with a kid, your a team, a family and sure, long ago woman stayed at home anyway and didn't work, they raised the kids... Its not a cop out, your still doing your bit in the family home by keeping things going and most importantly looking after your little one. The extra money I had each month meant I could buy things for the house, for my kid, for me, I also amange to pay for disneyland, centre parcs, my kid goes everywhere... We are very comfortable and have absolutely no regrets. I get to take him to school, pick him up, go to all the school things from sports day to school plays and I started helping out at the school and I'm there to help him with homework at night, bath him, have dinner with him and we go to the cinema on a Friday after school or at Christmas we go out and do festive stuff. You just don't get this time back. So make the most of it.

Oh I agree. I wouldn't be a sahm for all the tea in China. I wonder if you could get some kind of pre-sahm contract drawn up in the style of a pre-nup? (I have also refused to get married because I don't see the point of saying you commit to staying together for life when really you mean 'unless it all goes tits up', but I'm more cynical than most!)

DC grow up very quickly, you are only here once so do what makes you & DH happy.

Generally, men miss out on so much with babies/children growing, you are in a good position where you don't have too...

Be happy, whatever your work experience just keep in touch with it and you could always return when/if you wanted too later in life...

I would go on Joseph Rowntree Foundation and Child Poverty Action Group websites to really get a sense of which groups of people are more vulnerable to poverty. It's not men that earn 40k a year that's for sure. The insights on this thread are from women who have been fucked over by their ex partners. Anecdotal yes but real experiences, then combine that with research its really more than anecdotal, its a social problem. Women are not sneering at SAHP they are trying to tell you a cautionary and empirically studied tale.

@Youreatragedystartingtohappen

I know I'm late to replying to this comment but *@bridgetjonesmassivepants*

" I really don't understand why people have kids and then farm them out."

Amazing that someone can believe such a thing in 2020. Even more amazing it seems to be a woman who posted this.

I don't have the words

To be honest those kinds of comments just make me cringe with embarrassment for the poster as they are showing such an astounding lack of intelligence. Imagine genuinely believing that three days a week of childcare, for example, negates the point of having children. And having the lack of intellectual capacity to understand the many complex reasons why parents OF BOTH GENDERS choose to reproduce and still have a paid job. Bluntly, someone that hard of thinking is no loss to any workplace. I just worry about what nonsense they are teaching their children

But the reality is, if you want to have a conversation about women who don’t return to work as a family lifestyle choice, this is the demographic where you will find a very high proportion of them and they will be expats, married to men who have made a lot of money by some means or another, or perhaps independently wealthy.

Oh dear God. How have you managed to miss all those women who gave up work because they earned less than they would pay out on childcare? And you think a majority of those women have high earning husbands? And you don't think that demographic is one where you get a load of SAHMs? Who do you think tends to work in the lowest paid roles that earn less than childcare costs? Men?

It's not a crime to live in a bubble but you honestly don't understand that you're in one. You're actually making a case against staying at home, since whether you realise it or not, you're arguing that it's only ever a good idea for those who live in the kind of wealth that you do. And barely anyone does.

I was a SAHM and always say they were the happiest years of my life. We didn't have loads of money but we were OK. I didn't return to full time work for many years but it didn't impact on my career, I ended up in a senior position. One thing I'd recommend is that your DH pays into a private pension for you (tax efficient too) so you don't miss out in future years.

Iced - you are the one who is only prepared to discuss SAHMs if they are your image of poor hapless creatures, in financial peril and in need of guidance from women in employment. That may apply to some SAHM, but regardless, please at least credit women with the agency to make their own decisions. If you’re genuinely interested in why women become SAHMs and why they may choose to live in a set up you clearly find so abhorrent as a matter of principle, you might have to accept that SAHMs come in many guises and in all walks of life.

And no, I’m not naive, “charmingly” or otherwise. My family is my family. I am not at risk - why would I be? This can be easily mitigated against. If I thought I was at risk, I’d do something about it (obviously).

the reality is that everyone makes decisions in totally different contexts
I totally agree with this @1ucia

Often SAHM post all the reasons they SAH and most of them were easily achievable as DH and I shared everything.
We both had very flexible jobs and hours and so there was always a parent available.
Many parents in my neck of the woods share CC and work in this way and strangely enough I like coming home to a clean house, dinner cooked and he likes doing " his jobs" 😂 putting the radio on and having a coffee.
I doubt that the hundreds of wealthy SAHM do the cleaning/ chores etc
It sounds more like a PA/ Home manager type role which is far away from scrubbing toilets and the usual domestic drudgery.
I simply cant imagine swapping WOH for doing all the chores, Im afraid Im of the view that to be a well rounded adult you should all share chores/ cleaning up/ parenting and nurturing your DC.

It works for me

.

Mitzimccormack

I don't know where you're getting bitterness from here. I see a very long thread with lots of pragmatic responses from women, both working mums and SAHMs. Sometimes passionate and often opposed but actually generally pretty respectful.

If you're getting bitterness on here I would suggest to you respectfully that you're going out of your way to look for it.

The people who are advising the OP not to give up work are not doing so out of bitterness, they are doing so because they want her to be protected.

And by the way your assessment that if you've known someone for 12 years thats an insurance policy that they will never cheat, divorce you or die is, to put it politely, naive. You have only to read the relationships board on an average day, or look at the UK divorce statistics, to see why this is the case. Your argument is a little like the equivalent of a child sticking its fingers in its ears and saying "I don't want it to be true so it won't be".

None of this has any bearing on the OP's situation, but I think you are offended by a bunch of grown-up women having a grown-up discussion. Your inability to understand this doesn't render everyone else "bitter".

you are the one who is only prepared to discuss SAHMs if they are your image of poor hapless creatures, in financial peril and in need of guidance from women in employment.

No, I'm saying that if you're going to give up your financial independence - possibly forever - then you need to think very carefully about the risks, because the risks are real and they are serious. That's not to say that staying at home may not be the best choice for some families, but it's one that needs to be entered into with an awareness of the risks, not some starry eyed vision of 'what's yours is mine'. Because often, when the shit really hits the fan, it isn't.

"For Emma Cooper, having three children of primary school age means getting a job is an issue: “I gave up my job to follow my husband round the world with his career, and now I can’t get back into work.

“The biggest problem with divorce is that most people don’t agree, and that’s why they’re getting divorced. If I had any advice for women now thinking of getting married I’d say never, never, never give up your financial independence. No matter how difficult it may seem, keep one toe in the water: it may make the difference between sinking and swimming.”

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/mar/19/divorce-women-risk-poverty-children-relationship

A lot of people seem to focus on the ‘precious years’ when your child ‘needs his mother’ as being 0-5. Personally from my own childhood experiences I feel as though the time I needed my parents around more was 12-18.

Prior to that life seemed quite simple, school was easier, friendships easier, life easier. When I became a teen, there was more pressure from everywhere, smoking, sex, body image, peer pressure, bullying and a lot of these weren’t
even my personal issues, it was worries about close friends and what to do as when you’re a teen everything is such a big issue.

I really needed my parents to be closer and to be alert to stuff to help guide me. However, they were more around when I was younger and worked more when I was older and I felt a bit vulnerable.

We’re trying to make it so we work full time whilst the kids are younger so we can pay mortgage off quickly then we will both reduce our hours when they become older.

I don’t want to sound dismissive but soft play and stuff is the easy stuff which can be done by various people. It doesn’t have to be you all the time. As long as your child had a happy day finger painting, they aren’t going to remember if it happened with you, Nan, childminder or the nursery key worker. They will remember the happiness which will set them up for a happier life. I think the ‘precious years’ stuff is more for the benefit of the parent. The kid will remember the stuff which happened when they were teens more so why risk your financial stability and potentially have to work more when they’re older in order to go to soft play which they won’t remember?

That @Tellmetruth4 is a very interesting point. Thank you, it’s incredibly thought provoking for me.

Sorry haven't rtft. Have you thought about shared parental leave? How does your DH feel about missing out on seeing his child grow up and caring for her?

If the answer is "It's not the same" I would go figure. Nobody needs an excuse to look after their own young DC, that's your right and privilege as parents. But really if you can share it, it gives both of you a good share of the pleasures and challenges of childcare, as well as so many options and resilience in future if you can keep both jobs ticking over. That has been out experience anyway.

Also when we had our DC, I had by far the larger salary as mum. Our logic was we could manage on both salaries part time. If I'd insisted DH was the fulltime SAHP he'd have had to wind up his business he'd built up over 10 years. I think that was unreasonable to do to a person.

Do not underestimate the pain and change of losing your (working) identity. It’s not easy no matter HOW stable you think your relationship is.

I wouldn't worry about the social side. There are loads of baby and toddler groups - music, playgroups, gym groups, art groups - you name it. Libraries have free sessions for kids. I didn't work until DC was 6. I hadn't planned to but, like you, I just didn't want to go back. I am so glad I did. Looking back, I did feel uneasy about my lack of financial contribution and independence, so I understand how you feel.

Flexible working is your legal right ( it’s on gov.uk). I’m in the same position as you - returning to work in a few months after my first child. It’s churning me up inside to leave them and go back to work, but I’m thinking of it as insurance. Once they’re at school In a few years time, childcare costs will decrease and I’ll have something to do during the day that brings in the money to support the family. If I packed in my job, I’d end up struggling to find other work once they went to school. Stick it out and reap the benefits. Give your child roots and wings and have some faith in yourself. You can be a mum with a job. It sets a good example.

Tellmetruth4. This is so true. A lot of women are so concerned about my child needs a mum. Those baby/ toddler years, the child is happy to be fed, cleaned and played with by pretty much anyone.
My 3 year old tells me I’m boring on the days she’s not at nursery as she wants to go there everyday cause she learns so much and has a lot of fun there.
A woman being a SAHM at that stage is doing it for herself, nobody remembers who was there when they were that young, the growing/ teenage years are really when they need/ remember you and it’s up to you at that stage whether you want to give up your job to stay at home for your teenager.
That’s when it may be meaningful to the child. Personally I will feel burdened if my mum said she left her job to be a SAHM because of me.

Flexible working is your legal right ( it’s on gov.uk) it’s your legal right to request not your legal right to have it granted

I worked P/T pre and post babies.
If I would have been able to,I wouldn’t have gone back post babies as it’s such a short time in the grand scale of things and why would you want to pay someone to look after the child you’d wanted yourself?!
Pre school years are such a precious time being your child’s first educator
Yes of course you learn to switch off when you hand your child over to a stranger, to be able to cope with it,but why not enjoy every special day you have together?
Re adult company etc,post these crazy times,sign up to music groups,swimming lessons,toddler classes,and you’ll be meeting new friends who are in the same situation as yourself and can identify with.
Join a class for you that maybe runs in the evening so you still have time to be ‘you’
You’re making a great decision!

I'm glad it worked for you @maxabella but it's really a long shot hoping you'll bond with people just because you have kids the same age. For some of us it's like a hideous repeat of the school playground! I've had way more support and useful advice from colleagues with grown up kids and existing friends with slightly older kids.

Being a stay at home mum will mean that you will have boring days - but paid jobs can have boring days, too. I was fortunate enough to be able to stay at home with my kids as I my husband was earning a reasonable wage. I wanted to be there to see my children's milestones. You only have one shot at it for each child. If you are able to stay at home with them, why would you pay someone else (who won't love them as you do) to help them grow? I always think I was not a great mum, but my daughter is staying home with her children because 'I want them to have the same childhood I had'. I nearly swallowed my tongue when she said that. No one will ever have the same commitment to your children you will have. It can be boring. Might be lonely (at the moment it might be extra challenging), but my children learned to read early, we did messy, interesting things together. They went to bed happy. I went to bed, tired
But I wouldn't change a thing.
PS A lawyer friend who only stayed home with her third child told me she wishes she'd stayed home with her 1st 2 as well.

As regards the "why wouldnt you stay at home " question.
Many women work PT when their children are little and so they feel they have the best of both worlds.
In all honesty my MH would have deteriorated badly .
I ws lucky in that my DH looked after them while I WOH and we loved it.
I was the ultimate BF until 2, baby wearing etc so felt content to go back to work 2 days per week at first.
If DH wasnt able to be flexible we would have found CC we felt was a good fit.
Im not sure why thats so contentious?
They wouldnt have been my childs parent just caring for them for 16 hours per week.
The other 152 hours per week they would have been with me !
I felt I was a much better mother if I had a break and I loved my job.
Do Fathers get asked this???