to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

The thing is Iced, what can (and does often) happen is this... When couple get married at around the age of say 30 or whatever, she might earn say £40k (just for the sake of argument). So a good salary yes, but she feels strongly (and so does the DH) that she wants to be the one with the kids and not use childcare in the early years. So if, as often happens in the case where women end up as long term SAHMs, the DH’s earning potential suddenly takes off dramatically in the next few years, there is increasingly less incentive for her to return to work. Maybe he sells a company or gets huge bonuses etc and their lifestyle and spending habits adapt to this. She has another child (or three in my case ). Life gets busy. Suddenly, years have passed and all the kids are in school and yes, you could potentially go back to work, but for what? Your £40k that funded your lifestyle in your late 20s, now seems insignificant to the life you find yourself in. It’s his income that got the mortgage; his income that pays the school fees and your lives and commitments have shifted as a family. Your £40K wouldn’t be enough to support yourself anyway in your current home and lifestyle if you split. You wouldn’t get a mortgage in the areas you now live in on that salary, even for a small flat. Life has changed. So returning to work and having all the hassle of finding a nanny or whatever and all adapting to that, for the kind of money your DH makes or loses while he’s having his morning coffee probably, just seems pointless. It doesn’t really give you extra security. It could even feel selfish in a way, because it benefits nobody. Everybody wants what’s best for their kids, so on a cost / benefit analysis, you feel that you have more to offer the family by being at home, than you could offer financially. I think this kind of scenario is fairly common for women who don’t return to work. Maybe they’ve lived overseas along the way as well? Maybe the DH travels a lot? All these things will affect your decision, but mainly, It’s just that life changes and nobody seeks to complicate their family set up for money the family wouldn’t really notice.

1ucia

"This is why, someone chipping in and telling them they should be doing this or that 50/50 instead because “equality” makes no sense."

You're right... it does seem very abstract -- until you're left without financial security (for the woman) or access to your children (for the man). Which is where we come back to the OP's original question.

"I know some people don’t like the idea of this, but when it works, it works well tbh, because both partners give each other the space and freedom to do what most motivates them."

Again, that's great when it works. But for a woman with small children to have no means of support other than your husband is essentially playing financial Russian Roulette.

I know I'm late to replying to this comment but @bridgetjonesmassivepants

" I really don't understand why people have kids and then farm them out."

Amazing that someone can believe such a thing in 2020. Even more amazing it seems to be a woman who posted this.

I don't have the words

go part time if you can or work from home and go in on part time, if you give up your independence you may never get back in you may be qualified in your field but they may not want to hire someone whos been out of work for a few years when many systems and stuff change... i worked in events stepped out whilst pregnant left my field and worked part time in a tesco... im still there now

@1ucia

At this point, I'm not sure if you're stealth bragging or if you're really living such a sheltered existence that you genuinely don't get that the scenario you describe bears little relation to how the vast majority live. Despite this having been pointed out to you many times.

Most people don't earn £40K at any age. Most women don't have husbands who own their own companies. Most women's salaries make a substantial contribution to the household budget, and are rather more than "the kind of money your DH makes or loses while he’s having his morning coffee probably".

If you genuinely don't see that for most families, the decision to give up work will have a significant financial impact, and carries equally significant risk for the woman, then I'm not sure there's much point trying to continue this disucussion with there. There's a whole world out there beyond your cozy little circle.

thepeople - yes of course, but the discussion has moved on from the OP really as she hadn’t been back in ages, to a wider discussion about the pros / cons of SAHMs and loads of people giving their own anecdotes or views or personal experiences / perspectives.

But Iced that’s the point. If being a SAHM will make you vulnerable - then don’t do it, obviously! All I’m trying to say is that this will not inevitably be the case for all SAHMs. I’m not talking about a couple of years out. I’m trying to illustrate circumstances where being a long-term SAHM would not fit in with the accepted dogma on here. I’m not talking about myself particularly and when I said £40K that was just for the sake of argument.

I’m trying to illustrate circumstances where being a long-term SAHM would not fit in with the accepted dogma on here.

It's 'dogma' to point out the risks of making yourself completely financially dependent on someone else? Really?

Also, it’s not always the case that women are doomed to never get back into the workplace after a break. Just because it’s very difficult for some, doesn’t mean it’s the case for everyone. Some jobs are more resilient to career breaks than others eg you can sign up with agencies if need be - teachers, social workers, care workers, etc.

Can you not drop your hours?

You can have the best of both worlds then and when your DC starts school, if you still feel the same you could be a dinner lady or teaching assistant?

I couldn't do it. Kids are lovely but you lose yourself as a parent, SAHM long term is not always as rosy as it looks.

Your £40k that funded your lifestyle in your late 20s, now seems insignificant to the life you find yourself in.

I don't mean to be rude, but this, together with everything else you've posted, suggests that your frame of reference is so far outside the norm for most people that you really don't have anything to contribute here. You simply have no understanding of what giving up your job actually means for most people and as a result, you're not actually making a good case for it. It's not a crime to be privileged, but it's not a useful frame of reference for a discussion that essentially hinges on women's financial security.

But you are not “completely financially dependent in someone else.” It’s just not like that at all. You have built up your lives together over many years. You have joint assets and you have both made decisions about how and where to live, what to invest in. These are established certainties - eg property, investments and so on. You don’y think in terms of what’s mine and his because that ship has sailed, frankly. Everything you have done ultimately, has been in the interests of the kids. Otherwise what is the point in any of it? don’t feel “dependent” and if I was with the kind of man who made me feel dependent, I’d have been off years ago.

Nowhere have you mentioned discussing this with your husband. Are his views less important than those of a random bunch on the internet?

@1ucia

But you are not “completely financially dependent in someone else.” It’s just not like that at all. You have built up your lives together over many years. You have joint assets and you have both made decisions about how and where to live, what to invest in. These are established certainties - eg property, investments and so on. You don’y think in terms of what’s mine and his because that ship has sailed, frankly. Everything you have done ultimately, has been in the interests of the kids. Otherwise what is the point in any of it? don’t feel “dependent” and if I was with the kind of man who made me feel dependent, I’d have been off years ago.

You can "feel" anything you like, but if you're not earning anything then you are indeed entirely dependent on your husband's income, whether or not you "feel" it. It may be that you are happy like this, it may be that your husband doesn't weaponise it (as well he shouldn't, assuming it's a joint decision) and it may be that the assets are jointly owned if you're married, but you still remain dependent on his income to maintain it all and may need to make some sharp changes if for any reason you cease to have that income. What you "feel" about it isn't relevant.

1ucia

I wouldn't put it quite as bluntly as IcedPurple but you are really talking about a very charmed existence indeed: bonuses, sales of companies, investment trusts, school fees etc. We're talking about 5% of the population, maybe less than that.

And yes in that case where a family has accrued significant joint assets then a SAHM is in a fairly protected position, particularly with multiple children and a long marriage

But surely you case this is not relevant at all to the vast majority of people on this thread?

I don't think you're stealth bragging and I think your points are valid to the extent that they apply in your world but don't seem to have a very representative view of what "financial security" means to most women.

@1ucia yes, you’ve built your lifes together, but only one Is going to be properly screwed if things go wrong. We had unfortunately several cases of terminal cancer among friends an colleagues. Loosing a parent is devastating, but loosing a parent and your home...
In the 2 cases where the SAHP died with young kids, the working parent reduced hours (which he could do relatively easily as the income was enough), and could support his family emotionally and financially.
In the cases where the only earner died, things hit the fan very quickly, even with life insurance in place.

I’m shocked by how many people are so opposed to you being a SAHM! I was in your position 13 years ago with my first DS. I now have 4 kids and honestly do not regret giving up my job. Yes there are days it’s tough, days it’s lonely, days I wish I had a job but mainly I’m so thankful I have been the one to look after my children.
There are pros & cons to being a mum who works outside the home or one who stays at home. You have to do what feels right for you. Good luck with whatever choice you make!

@1ucia

But you are not “completely financially dependent in someone else.” It’s just not like that at all. You have built up your lives together over many years. You have joint assets and you have both made decisions about how and where to live, what to invest in. These are established certainties - eg property, investments and so on. You don’y think in terms of what’s mine and his because that ship has sailed, frankly. Everything you have done ultimately, has been in the interests of the kids. Otherwise what is the point in any of it? don’t feel “dependent” and if I was with the kind of man who made me feel dependent, I’d have been off years ago.

If you have no income you are completely dependent and very reliant on your husband. It obviously works for some people but let’s tell it how it is. I agree that initially being a SAHM is for a good cause but that does not change the fact that a women has no money of her own from month to month.

I didn’t work for 10 years. But we have two children with special needs. Both complex and they really couldn’t cope with nursery and then we had issues with school. I now work but PT and term time only. If I didn’t do this job, I wouldn’t be able to work. We’ve had some rough patches in our marriage and it has left me very aware that I’m quite financially dependent on my dh. We’d probably be earning similar amounts if I’d stayed in work but we had no option and a nanny would’ve had to have been very specialist.

I know you love your child but being a stay at home mum can also be quite boring and I do think you end up deskilled and at a disadvantage if you want to work later on.

Sheba - I totally accept what you’re saying and I agree. These days, not many women SAH once the DC are at school. There is a very good and obvious reason for this - which is, it makes them financially vulnerable and anyway, the vast majority of people these days rely on two incomes.

So no, demographics where there are high proportions of SAHMs are far from the average these days. I’m not saying it’s the norm, by any means. But the reality is, if you want to have a conversation about women who don’t return to work as a family lifestyle choice, this is the demographic where you will find a very high proportion of them and they will be expats, married to men who have made a lot of money by some means or another, or perhaps independently wealthy. Otherwise, how would it be even possible?

There are very few women these days who give up work for more than a couple of years, or as a lifestyle choice if it means their family will bear the brunt financially and they are putting themselves and their kids at financial risk. There would need to be a compelling reason to do that eg a child with additional needs, or you live in an extremely remote place or are unwell perhaps. This goes without saying.

I just find the whole debate crazy really because the argument gets framed as if it’s possible to talk “working mums” as if they are a homogenous mass, whereas the reality is, a “working mum” can be anything from a millionaire to someone on minimum wage. Different circumstances, totally different choices. The same applies to SAHMs.

@1ucia

But you are not “completely financially dependent in someone else.” It’s just not like that at all. You have built up your lives together over many years. You have joint assets and you have both made decisions about how and where to live, what to invest in. These are established certainties - eg property, investments and so on. You don’y think in terms of what’s mine and his because that ship has sailed, frankly. Everything you have done ultimately, has been in the interests of the kids. Otherwise what is the point in any of it? don’t feel “dependent” and if I was with the kind of man who made me feel dependent, I’d have been off years ago.

So charmingly naive!

And - although I don't think you're ever going to understand this - this isn't about you.

It's about the millions of people for whom £40 a year would be like a dream come true. It's about families where the woman's salary means the ability to meet mortgage payments, not just what her hubby earns during his coffee break. It's about the thousands of women, who, every single year, find themselves and their children in poverty because their 'devoted' husband walked out, or was made redundant or fell seriously ill.

But you just don't get it. Like I've said, not sure if you're being obtuse or stealth bragging at this stage.

I would only quit my job after making sure everything was agreed between me and dh about what would happen if we split. Nobody thinks they're going to split but but 50% of marriages do and it's generally the wife who suffers financially.

My goodness the bitterness and anger on here is breathtaking.
I took time out while my 3 boys were small. We were not wealthy but had enough money. I did loads of stuff with them pre school, met up with quite a few lovely people. I loved the fact that I was there for them after school, there is a lot of time between the end of school and the end of the working day. I cooked real food, did homework with them, and we all have great memories of that time. My DH was fine with it, he liked coming home to a happy family. I used spare time to finish work on house, then I filled some gaps in my education. When it was time to go back to work I chose to go part time as we all liked the fact that I had more time to organise family stuff, and the times we all had together were less stressed. Probably old fashioned now, but given money not being a worry, and the fact that you can go back to your chosen career I would say go for it if that’s what you feel is right. 12 years is long enough for you to know your DH, ignore the jealous naysayers.

12 years is long enough for you to know your DH

I was with you until this.

I became a sahm 26 years ago, with hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have. I had planned to return to work part time but my employer withdrew this option while I was on maternity leave so would have been all or nothing. Came under some family pressure to stay home ( “why have children if you can’t be bothered to look after them “) and it was financially possibly for us to manage on dh salary.
Although I love our dc and they are now wonderful adults, I do regret not making the most of my education and professional qualifications (solicitor). We moved abroad when the dc were 3&6 so it then became impossible to return to work in that field.
I remember in the early days feeling desperately overwhelmed and alone as, like op I had always worked full time. Later, hearing the dc telling their friends that mama doesn’t do anything, was hard. I felt I was a poor role model.
I would strongly caution op to pay attention to the people mentioning the financial aspects. Although we have been fortunate, many of our friends who appeared to have perfect marriages have split up. It really can happen to anyone
She should also think very long term. As I have never managed to get back into well paying work, I will have virtually no pension in my own right. Although my dh always says this isn’t a problem as his pension is enough for both of us, I would have preferred to have built up a pension myself. There is also the fact that I will be very financially insecure should he die before me.