to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Only you can know that but there's not a cat in hells chance would I have given up work for many reasons apart from the obvious of potential ending up on your own.
As others have said it can take years to get back on track.
At one point DH became redundant. We would have been up shit creek without my salary to keep us going.
I'm paying into my own pension fund and have accumulated decent savings for us .
Look at the bigger picture.
People say 'aww they aren't babies for long which is true. So why would you want to fuck up your working potential and more or less start from scratch as a younger crowd comes into the job market.
Your only going to work, not sending them to boarding school or anything.

Hardbackwriter maybe you're right and more women than I acknowledge are actually implicated in this because they default to wanting a man to be more of a "provider". I dare say many women will always prefer that role and it takes a while to change attitudes across the board even for those who do want more equality.

But if we take as a starting point that its desirable for women to have more economic agency and the numbers of women in the workforce today strongly suggest to be the case then we have to accept that that only works if men are prepared to take on a greater share of the domestic/childcare burden. And that means men have to be prepared to argue for more flexible work patterns, take leave, turn their back on pointless presenteeism and other adjustments sometimes when their families demand this of them.

It sounds as if you have achieved this fairly well in your family and I know others who have achieved similar, so its clearly possible. But its still not the norm.

The key is education and particularly making sure that the next generation of young men get this.

@dontdisturbmenow yes, I see that. I am covered under insurance until 70 for serious illnesses but agree that probably wouldn't cover the situation you describe. I may well feel differently then, but equally being there for my DC1's medical appointments and procedures without worrying about getting back to work (and I say if I'd returned to old role I literally would not have seen her awake for five days of the week although I know I'd have been able to take some unpaid leave for hospital appointments etc) as well as the much happier moments of course, I hope will be worth it for the short career break

Its possible for men to scale back their hours, to leave on time, to not go for that promotion, to not have to go out drinking with partners every night. And most of them won't or claim they can't do that
No maybe they'd rather be sahd supported by their wife who understands how hard it is too look after kids, so is also prepared to do childcare after work, at night and morning as well as tidying the house, whilst being respected for what he does.

I agree that most women who are sahm are so because it's what they want to do. If it helps the career or their partner or suits them as a couple, that's a bonus, but the primary driver is that it's what she wants, otherwise, of course they'd look for alternatives that would mean they can work.

I do also wonder whether perspectives change over time @thepeopleversuswork. I and almost all the women I'm thinking of have very young children, and it is certainly the case that they currently feel that they are making a very active choice to not prioritise their own career - I do hear sometimes 'it doesn't make sense financially', etc but much more I hear 'you don't get this precious time back', 'my children mean much more to me than a job', 'I couldn't bear to be away from them all week', 'I could never do that' (that being, going back to work at 6 months, work full-time, have a job that involved working away). I do wonder if at some future point if they're facing difficulties returning to the workplace etc some of the same women will be less likely to use the language of active choice about their decisions now.

(But then I would say that, I'm the heartless bitch who could bear to go back to work at six months, work full-time, go away for work, put my baby in childcare, etc. It's very difficult for any of us to be neutral on this.)

5 years old, and doesn't specifically reference having children, but the ages would seem to line up with that
Its not clear if it's only counting working males and females or also including those looking for work, but in any case, it is compiling that indeed, women could very well be the one who could become the main earner if that's they wanted to do. The point is they don't. They want to be at home whilst most Jen want to be at work, which is why it works in most cases, at least until the kids are at school.

Hardbackwriter

"(But then I would say that, I'm the heartless bitch who could bear to go back to work at six months, work full-time, go away for work, put my baby in childcare, etc. It's very difficult for any of us to be neutral on this.)"

I hear you. And I still also like the "heartless bitch" in my head 90% of the time. Even though my daughter is absolutely fine and thriving at 9 after having been in more or less FT childcare since she was 9 months. Even though I had no choice whatsoever. Even though its given me massive financial freedom from which my daughter will ultimately benefit. Even though I'm supposedly setting her a good example by working and being independent etc.

I still feel massively and painfully judged by society for putting my daughter in childcare. Every day of my life. No doubt many SAHMs also feel massively and painfully judged as well.

I repeat, ad nauseam, that women's choices could be a lot less painful and easier if society was more supportive of a shift which saw men do more of the domestic heavy lifting. Maybe lots of people, men and women, aren't ready for that. But it would be nice if some of them would think of the impact on future generations.

So the option is go with what you want or lose your respect.

If doing what he wants would leave me to pay all of the bills, make sure we had a safety net of savings to protect DC, put food on the table and everything else financially, then yep, he would lose my respect. If however he wanted to spend more time with DC, then of course we would talk about it and come to a compromise; as is we spoke before TTC and agreed.

Should all men whose wife is insisting she wants to be supported by him 100% lose respect in her?

No, because everyone is different. For me, in my relationship then yes, if the deal was having another adult capable of working being fully dependent on me financially as well as our DC, then no thanks. For others it works, and that's fine, people's opinions differ on it, no one is right or wrong.

I am intrigued though what these men who need their career facilitating by opting out of parental duties do for work, and why they're so different from the many people who juggle a career and supporting their family.

Fully agree @thepeopleversuswork

It is so, so important to me that both my son and my daughter witness both their parents taking caring and domestic responsibilities and both pursuing their careers. I want to teach my daughter that she doesn’t need to spend her life facilitating other people and for my son not to learn to expect that of any female partner that he may one day have. If they choose a different path for their own families then that’s absolutely up to them but I don’t want to wonder if it’s because I only modelled that to them growing up.

They want to be at home whilst most Jen want to be at work, which is why it works in most cases, at least until the kids are at school.

Most women don't want to be at home though. Most mothers of young children work at least part-time.

Just catching up with the thread... I think, when all is said and done, women who instinctively feel that they would prefer to stay home with their children will gravitate to / attract a certain type of man. Conversely, men who are instinctively financial provider types will gravitate to / attract a certain type of woman. I know some people don’t like the idea of this, but when it works, it works well tbh, because both partners give each other the space and freedom to do what most motivates them. This is why, someone chipping in and telling them they should be doing this or that 50/50 instead because “equality” makes no sense. They just have a different concept of equality, to be honest. They have organised roles to suit their personalities and anything else just sounds like an unnecessary load of hassle.

If you’re in the position to do it then go for it. You only get this precious time once. I worked part time and it worked well but I would’ve stayed home, if I had the choice. SAHM sometimes get a lot of slack but it’s what’s best for your child in my opinion. You could look at part time if you’re unsure and see how you find that

I would personally go back part time, I know it might not seem worth it but you will still have that Independence and security.

I also second what others have said about not solely relying on your husband, me and dh had an amazing relationship up until this last year and it’s become very apparent to me that I’m only still here because I’m financially dependent on him, giving up my independence is my biggest regret.

I also think you will value the ‘break’ of work eventually, bring home all day with a toddler is not easy!

Make sure you discuss the financial implications with your DH. Having tried being a SAHM , I would say the novelty wears off. Can you go back part time?

This is why, someone chipping in and telling them they should be doing this or that 50/50 instead because “equality” makes no sense.

It's not that. It's because there is a very real risk of making yourself totally financially dependent on another person. It may not happen in your charmed circles, but in the wider world it happens every day that women are left holding the baby by men who 'would never leave me', and find themselves scrambling around desperately looking for a job having been out of the economy for years. Whatever men's 'activists' might tell you about being 'bled dry' by women after divorce, women are much more likely to be in poverty after divorce than men are.

Which isn't to say you should not be a SAH if that is what you believe to be best for you and your family. But it is to say that you need to do so with your eyes open, not just thinking you can easily pick up your career in 5 years time or that your husband would never leave - or even become ill or incapacitated. These aren't just theoretical risks. Women live with the consequences of them every single day.

I gave up work when my first son was born.
I’d been in travel sales job for 9 years and wanted a change of direction anyway.
I don’t at all regret the time I had with my kids and I made some great friends with other Mums.
The down side was that I felt lonely some of the time and I missed the social side of work.
When I went back I retrained but it took a while to get my confidence back after 7 years as a SAHM.
It does leave you financially vulnerable too.
I’d still do it all again tho for the precious time with my lads.

Women earn the same as men till motherhood, like for like (e.g. in same sector doing same role) but more women work in lower paid sectors and the mass entry of women into an industry tends to depress wages over time.

It may say that in the Guardian article, but it's not quite as straightforward as 'parity before motherhood'.

Also on average women marry older men which exacerbates any wage or experience gap.

@Phineyj

Also on average women marry older men which exacerbates any wage or experience gap.

Most marriages are between people with less than 5 years age difference, so not such a significant factor I think.

Have you considered going back part time and using a childminder? I'm a childminder I feel it's more personal (I've worked in nurserys too) I send photos and update to parents through out the day. Smaller numbers too, only have 3 a day.

My mother was a SAHM in a happy marriage. She was confident they wouldn't split up. She didn't reckon on being widowed in her 30s with two dependent children though. Despite a DB pension scheme giving her a widows pension, and the life insurance, she still needed to go back to work and it was very difficult.

Everyone's circumstances are so different. I had my own business before we had kids but I knew I wouldn't be able to enjoy motherhood if I carried on working the hours I did. My husband's company bought in more money and he employed more staff so I found jobs for my 3 employees, wound the company down and was able to live off the money I'd made for a few years. When the money ran out I found myself also looking after my poor mum.who had terminal cancer so we decided that we would survive on one income for a few years. All in all I didn't work for 10 years but I did do lots of voluntary work during that time to keep my brain going and for contacts and for my CV. I've changed career a few times since earning well but part time (if you are skilled I think you remain employable - I've never had problems getting work). I don't regret any of it. I loved having the time with my kids and am glad I was there for my mum. We have been together for 30 years and I don't see us spliiting up. Our relationship has been a lot less stressful than others where both parents work full time. My husband has a pension pot that is big enough for two so I know I am very fortunate there. As I said at the start, everyone's situation is different so just be careful weighing up your individual pros and cons. You do sound like your mind is made up though. You can't get that time back and no-one else will ever love them like you do.

Have you tried using a salary calculator to see if you can reduce your hours and make it so you don’t pay tax? I did this, put my son in childcare for 2 days and the Tax Free Childcare helps too. It wasn’t worth me working full time to pay full time childcare and my main reason was I couldn’t face not being there with him and found working a 3 day week is perfect balance. His Dad worked it so he would be home for one of the days with him too.

This is my first ever post on mumsnet, hello! I worked in the city and didn’t return to work following mat leave. I took several years off, waited to complete my family and see the children into school. During that time I made sure I had hobbies and did voluntary work so that I had a sense of myself as well as my identity as a mum, but the children came first. I really, really loved my time with my children and would do it again in a heartbeat. I did find people made rude and thoughtless comments from time to time (e.g. “I couldn’t do what you do, I need to do something with my brain”, “Aren’t you worried your children won’t respect you”, “Aren’t you worried you are setting a terrible example to girls”, the list is lengthy) and I did find it slightly harder when the children were older (around 3) since most children of that age were in nursery with parents at work so I started to struggle to find play dates etc. I took them to lots of playgroups and ended up befriending lots of nannies and grandparents rather than other “mums” but that was neither here nor there - still lots of good company for my children and for me. Money was fortunately not a worry and as my husband and I have everything in joint accounts we don’t think of money as “his” or “mine”. I am not particularly material so I wasn’t going out spending a fortune on things for myself and had no reason to feel the need to justify things I did but for myself. After my children started school, I quickly felt that I wanted to work again and started work four months later. I now earn more than my husband. It worked out well.
I would make the same decision if I had the choice again. My children and I have had such happy times.
All I would say is that people can be very sensitive about the decisions they make and I would like to reassure you that whatever path you choose, have the courage of your convictions and don’t let other people’s different decisions make you doubt yourself.
Good luck whatever you do.

If you can do it financially, do it. Stay home. Soon enough your girl will be in school and you can go back then. If you don't get a car with a new job, you don't get one. I doubt you will regret staying home.