to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I specifically remember going to my best friends house for her baby shower about 8 years ago. She had a load of her SAHM friends there. She was a SAHM too after quitting her management job after her first baby.

The whole night her SAHM friends talked about their kids or every sentence started with "my husband thinks" or discussing their DH high profile jobs. I came away utterly shocked. They had completely lost their identity and didn't have much in the way of conversation and sorry to say but very boring people. My friend eventually tried to get back into work but it took a long time and she had to take a minimum wage job that was entry level. Like the previous posters said theres no right or wrong answer but i would seriously think before chucking in the job to become a SAHM.

I have always stressed the importance of education and not being reliant on a man for financial support.
My husband used to comment about me being unreasonable.
I'd given up my career to be a SAHM while he forged a truly impressive career.
He adored me and me him.
He was killed in a car crash.
I was 52 and unemployable.
Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.
I'm not telling you what to do, but tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

I can’t stand these stupid threads with “SAHMs are boring, no identity blah blah blah...” A baby shower 8 years ago, no less Is that your only experience of SAHMs then? I know probably over a hundred SAHMs and it’s a position I’ve been in for over 15 years, so I think I’m fairly qualified to comment... and I can’t think of one woman I know who has ever started a sentence with “my husband thinks...” It just doesn’t happen.

People who push such stereotypes only do so to make themselves feel better. They need to ask themselves why they feel the need.

@1ucia

I can’t stand these stupid threads with “SAHMs are boring, no identity blah blah blah...” A baby shower 8 years ago, no less Is that your only experience of SAHMs then? I know probably over a hundred SAHMs and it’s a position I’ve been in for over 15 years, so I think I’m fairly qualified to comment... and I can’t think of one woman I know who has ever started a sentence with “my husband thinks...” It just doesn’t happen.

People who push such stereotypes only do so to make themselves feel better. They need to ask themselves why they feel the need.

Totally agree! Bonkers!

I know lots of SAHM mums and now pretty much one myself (as said earlier). They have and I have plenty of hobbies and friendship groups outside of babies and the home. They also are strong, intelligent individuals who have their own opinions not their husbands!

MN has a warped view of SAHMs.

It just doesn’t happen

What you mean is you've never known it to happen. Who knows on a messageboard, but it's not really helpful to just dismiss other people's experiences. To disagree, yes, but to say x didn't happen is really frustrating.

⬆️ BOOM that is it.nailed. It’s having knowledge & foresight to make an informed decision
Too many women

say
oh we are a team,
He’d never leave me financially disadvantaged
No, we won’t split up.

PrayingandHoping the baby shower example was a pretty crass bit of stereotyping of SAHMs, I agree. And this whole trope about having to work so your husband doesn't get bored of you is insulting.

But I think this is a bit of a red herring. The vast majority of posters who are advising the OP not to stop work are not doing so because they think she will become "boring", they just want to impress upon her that she - and other SAHMs -- would be very ill-advised to make themselves totally reliant on their husband financially.

This is really what it boils down to. It's not about being interesting at dinner parties or baby showers or any of that -- that's just window-dressing. It's about your basic ability to protect and support yourself and your children without having to rely on someone else. Its that simple.

It just doesn’t happen thats your subjective lived experience of your group
it’s not a definitive or true statement. And it’s not applicable to all women

So as irksome as it feels reading something and thinking I’ve never experienced or heard that, you’ve got to accept it as someone else anecdotal account

Well as I say, I live in an area of London with a high proportion of SAHMs. Every one of them has at least a degree and usually a masters or other qualification. They have travelled the world, are confident, articulate and extremely resilient and capable women. They know exactly what they are doing and why. And the reality is, if I have to put it bluntly, they also know full well that if the marriage ended tomorrow, they would leave it financially better off than when they entered it. These women are not dim and they would not jeopardise their children’s future. I know hundreds in this set up and this is the reality of SAHMs from my perspective. No they are not at home, cleaning like zombies all the time or whatever. As if! They are too busy for that and have cleaners. They don’t have time to be bored because life is what you make it.

1ucia If the OP’s current salary would barely cover childcare costs she’s probably not moving in the rich SAHM circles you describe.

Having a degree & pg doesn’t render one charismatic,savvy or good company
So it’s a moot point
I’m not sure what the actual point you’re making is?Are you saying graduates in naice areas don’t suffer financial disadvantage?

@thepeopleversuswork it is that simple and it comes down to your life choices. What your line of work IS is the only way to gauge how easy you could be reemployed if needs be. My business would very quickly be picked straight back up where I have left it when I want it.

There's also advise about what if your DH died/disabled etc.... well again.... u can get financial protection for all of those. I will be MORE than fine if anything happened to my husband.

It comes down to life priorities. My priority WE decided was that I would stay home. My husband has out earned me by miles all our married life (16 years) and we've had joint finances for so long it doesn't really make any difference to us with my earning reducing. Unless u were a wife that also was a v high earner, when you are married to one you would ALWAYS have a massive lifestyle change if you were to split up. Not everyone can be high earners.

You only live once, and your children are only small once. If you want to stay home with them, be smart, but do what is right for u.

I know hundreds in this set up

Hundreds eh?

And given that the - now vanished? - poster has said her salary will barely cover childcare costs, I don't think she's one of the 'hundreds' of your acquaintances who can pay nannies and cleaners while they go off to their Pilates classes.

I haven't read all the replies, but I want to give you my perspective.
My little one is almost two and I went back to work when he was 9 months old. His nursery is just fantastic and, even if I never really struggled with the idea to send him, I don't really feel like 'someone else is raising my child'.
Yes, he's there all day every day, but I am still his mummy. He still spend the vast majority of his time with me, he's happy to go and play with his friends and happy to hug me when I pick him up.
I haven't missed his first steps or his first words, simply because it didn't happen overnight or all of a sudden.
It's mammy and daddy giving him a routine, cuddle him at night, taking him to the park or on the bike or to see friends and relatives. Home is home, nursery is nursery.

Of course having qualifications doesn’t make you good company But women don’t give up high paying jobs for nothing, do they? They don’t limit themselves by going into a financially restricted lifestyle where they could potentially be left high and dry. Well, not the ones I know anyway and this is a lot of SAHMs.. They have a family and they make a lifestyle choice based on the particular circumstances they happen to be in. It’s irrelevant really what anyone else would or wouldn’t do because they are not in those same circumstances

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

But if DH's salary covers everything, this isn't really an issue? You get to have a foot in both doors. I personally wouldn't want to make myself completely vulnerable by not working at all. My DP has become unable to work due to illness since we had our daughter and although going back to work felt like a wrench at the time, I'm so glad I did because we'd be royally fucked now if I hadn't. The work market moves quickly. It's easier to increase hours or get another job when you're already in a job if need be.

Sorry if that sounds a bit doom and gloom, but you never know what's around the corner.

having qualifications doesn’t make you good company so why raise the academic qualifications of the housewives you know?
Was it meant to add gravitas. There’s Ana she’ll never be short a bob or two because she’s a graduate

@1ucia

I can’t stand these stupid threads with “SAHMs are boring, no identity blah blah blah...” A baby shower 8 years ago, no less Is that your only experience of SAHMs then? I know probably over a hundred SAHMs and it’s a position I’ve been in for over 15 years, so I think I’m fairly qualified to comment... and I can’t think of one woman I know who has ever started a sentence with “my husband thinks...” It just doesn’t happen.

People who push such stereotypes only do so to make themselves feel better. They need to ask themselves why they feel the need.

It definitely happened all night from all if them. My husband thinks.. My husbands job.. Oh my kid this. Not making it up for fun. I thought it was sad.

People who push such stereotypes only do so to make themselves feel better. They need to ask themselves why they feel the need

You mean like the 100s of rich housewives who will all be more solvent on departure if/when they get divorced from their obscenely rich husband.

so why raise the academic qualifications of the housewives you know?

No I just get tired of this notion of the hapless SAHM who has “lost herself” and is only doing it because she obviously has less options than the women on here, or because she’s too dim to see any potential pitfalls regarding her situation. It’s like “No shit Sherlock“ on here sometimes and you just get sick of it.

As if women who work “out of the home” never get left high and dry or face financial difficulty. It’s all relative. You could be on a good salary, but still, if it’s a fraction of your DH’s or you have a massive mortgage / debts, you will still be unlikely to be able to maintain a given lifestyle after divorce and it would feel like you’re starting again. Everybody, working it not, is in such widely varying circumstances, I don’t see the point of making generalisations. SAHMs vary just as much as WOHMs - obviously! Some are in better positions than others, as in all walks of life.

Yes I must know at least a hundred women off the top of my head in this kind of set-up. I’m mid 40s with 4 DC so I’m talking about all the mums in their schools / year groups I’ve known for years, neighbours, friends from way back, more recent friends / people I’ve met doing the things I do, neighbours, family friends, people in our community etc etc. All just living their lives and none of them bored or prone to starting sentences with “my husband thinks...” I don’t have a clue Or any interest really in what anybody’s husbands think or do and it rarely comes up.

I felt exactly the same as you when my DD was almost exactly the same age as yours. And I was torn for the same reasons you are. I did go back, admittedly part time, and I struggled for a few months, but now DD is 3, I can’t imagine being a SAHM -she’s amazing, but hard with, and but I love work, earning my own money, the social side etc, and she loves playing with her friends at nursery. If you’re unsure I’d say give it a go going back- you can always leave still if it isn’t working, but I’d give it a chance.

@FVFrog I'm sorry that's what happened to you. Your daughters (if you have them) will learn from this however. I was brought up by a single parent and held on to my career with every ounce of my strength. In retrospect my ex tried hard to sabotage me but I held on and come the divorce at least I could pay the mortgage.
It's a life lesson that although you think it won't happen to you it absolutely can.

@1ucia

so why raise the academic qualifications of the housewives you know?

No I just get tired of this notion of the hapless SAHM who has “lost herself” and is only doing it because she obviously has less options than the women on here, or because she’s too dim to see any potential pitfalls regarding her situation. It’s like “No shit Sherlock“ on here sometimes and you just get sick of it.

As if women who work “out of the home” never get left high and dry or face financial difficulty. It’s all relative. You could be on a good salary, but still, if it’s a fraction of your DH’s or you have a massive mortgage / debts, you will still be unlikely to be able to maintain a given lifestyle after divorce and it would feel like you’re starting again. Everybody, working it not, is in such widely varying circumstances, I don’t see the point of making generalisations. SAHMs vary just as much as WOHMs - obviously! Some are in better positions than others, as in all walks of life.

You have totally missed the point completely. Of course everybody is from all different walks of life. I’m not sure how a SAHM can be doing finically better than a working mother how does that work? They have no salary of their own and some people have tried to point out that we are in a pandemic still or if OPs husband became ill and had no job. She most likely would have to claim benefits or spend her savings.

I think the sniping comes from resentment for one reason or another. It's completely unhelpful and unfair.

Thankfully, most people have just shared their experiences and opinions. It's good to be aware and bear in mind the what ifs but if we all got too bogged down with 'maybes' and 'mights' we'd never do anything in life!

OP, it does sound like you'd already made your mind up really. Maybe it's worth talking to your employer about PT before deciding for sure, even if you think that's unlikely to be granted?

Although I'm very much in the camp of stay in employment, if you really don't want to then don't go back. All life decisions include an element of risk, we all have to weigh them up and make the decion that's right for us as individuals.