to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

PrayingandHoping if you're really confident that you're protected then stopping work is fine but how certain can you be?

Marriage is protection of a kind, obviously, but activating the financial benefits of a marriage after its ended involves divorce which is very unpleasant. Insurance policy? prenup? You seem very certain that whatever line of work it is you're in will welcome you back with open arms after a career break and good for you if so - SAHMs are right to do this if they can -- but my guess is its the exception rather than the rule.

Of course there are smart SAHMs who have bullet-proofed themselves through the terms of their marriages etc, and good for them but there are many more who haven't.

Its just when the OP blithely says: "but my marriage is great so I'll be OK" that it worries me. Everyone thinks their marriage is great until its not.

This has been an interesting thread (even if the OP wasn't looking for a debate). Something that I always notice about this debate is that it's somewhat taboo as a woman to actually enjoy your job to the point that you don't want to give it up for the sake of a few short years when DC are small. I have felt that judgement, implied (although they are mostly too polite to criticise openly) from DM and DMIL. I have also hugely felt the lack of role models for how to share childrearing/family stuff more fairly. I appear to be the only woman in the immediate family who's ever tried and I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. I don't know anyone my age in RL who's got what I'd consider a fair split of effort either (normally at this point a bunch of posters come along to tell.me of their wonderful Scandi-style arrangements). I found SimonJTs post interesting as the only gay couple I know with DC had a very conventional arrangement with a SAHP and. FT worker!

I do earn decently - it more than makes sense to work. But I do it mainly because I enjoy the job more than parenting (sorry). And if he was being honest DH would say the same. We love our DD but she is so so challenging.

It comes down to life priorities
Sounds more like it comes down to how well you have married financially! If you've bagged a well off man, happy to pay towards your pension, with plenty of assets, life insurances and a few hefty joint accounts, you know you'll be fine no matter what.

Its another issue when you can just about afford a hefty mortgage in the SE, which you wouldn't be able to pay alone, a self emoted husband who could fiddle the books and pay minimum maintenance and no other assets, insurance or pension payment.

What is most demoralising here is how whether the mother wants to work or not, it's all about what she wants. Nothing much about what her oh wants. I think that's what ultimately leads to many divorces, because these massive decisions are too often not truly joint as the mother has made up her mind during pregnancy if not sooner.

Even if your husband earns 6 figures, you have separate savings and shared assets, if you’ve been out of the workplace for 10 (or even 5 years) then when you divorce, the husband will trot off to his well paid career that’s continued unhindered by kids, whilst no matter your professional background, you’ll be at the bottom of the heap, looking at low paid jobs because you either need the flexibility as you can’t afford childcare, or you don’t stand a chance of getting a decent job because you’ve been out of the loop for so long.

I’m also disappointed by how few families split maternity leave. DH and I did it shortly after it was introduced - no one in our circle has done it since.

@thepeopleversuswork yes I am really am confident that if anything happened to my husband I would be more than ok

I also know that if we split, the fact that I was a low earner (through choice. I have an illness and we always decided I would keep my business small but I could always get as much work as I wanted) and him a v high earner would mean I would always have had a massive lifestyle change

And yes, my line of work I know that I would be able to pick up where I left off. I am actually working 3 hours a week just to keep my registration going for ease when I do pick it up again

What I'm saying is that if you are smart U can set your life up in a secure way that gives u fall backs.

Note none of us SAHM have made personal sweeping comments about working mums!! I have met horrific ones but that wouldn't be fair on the good ones. This topic is always comes across so bitter on here.

I was a SAHM until my DC went to school. I feel very lucky to have had that choice. Of course there are downsides (I strangely felt the loss of ‘status’ my career gave me, less money etc) but it was the best thing I have ever done. I loved being there all the time, we had such fun, I miss those years now! As a PP said, my DH was able to progress at work more quickly as a result and this benefits us a family too.
I volunteered which helped me find a job quickly once I started looking, but it took me a further 2 years to get back to my career. 10 years on I’m back to the level I would have been at had I not left.
Part time wasn’t an option for me due to childcare costs.
I understand people’s concerns about being dependent on your DH, but you’ve got to go for what you want in life and hope for the best.
Good luck with your decisions OP!

Phineyj

"I have also hugely felt the lack of role models for how to share childrearing/family stuff more fairly. I appear to be the only woman in the immediate family who's ever tried and I feel like I'm making it up as I go along. I don't know anyone my age in RL who's got what I'd consider a fair split of effort either (normally at this point a bunch of posters come along to tell.me of their wonderful Scandi-style arrangements)"

I agree with this. Among my peers it still seems very polarised between the women who are basically doing everything high earning sole or main breadwinner and also doing almost all the domestic and childcare stuff and those who are SAHMs and fully focused on their children.

Among the women who are the sole or main breadwinner, I'm quite surprised at how willing the husbands/partners seem to be to basically hand over all agency (both economic and domestic) to the woman. There is a growing cohort of men who I think observe their partner being both mum and dad and think its a green light to sit back and do as little as possible, economic and domestic.

I can only think of one woman I know who has what I would deem to be a healthy division of labour, PT but rewarding and well remunerated work with a husband who also has a career but pulls his weight on the domestic front.

What really jumps out to me is the lack of male role models. There are plenty of women who are working hard, enjoying their careers but also finding time for their families but very few men who are demonstrating a corresponding willingness to balance these in their lives.

I agree, really interesting thread. All I would caution is that a choice is not a true choice unless it is an informed choice. Know the financial risk you’re taking, make sure both parties acknowledge and are prepared to do whatever needs doing to mitigate this risk as much as possible and make sure it is shared EVENLY as much as it can be. Equal ‘jobs’ of the family should be valued equally and that means in terms of the financial worth they are bringing to the family. At the very least you must pay into a pension (or have other provision) equal to that if your DH

And @LoeliaPonsonby has absolutely nailed it. If you go on forums/threads for women experiencing a late midlife divorce it is the same story over and over again. Trust me, I’m on them!

Planning a baby with partner. He'll work 4 days and I will. Opposing hours. Anything else is non negotiable. He's a parent too.

Yes I must know at least a hundred women off the top of my head in this kind of set-up

You said 'hundreds' plural though. Very unusual to be acquainted with literally hundreds of people from exactly the same demographic.

How many women do you know who don't have the cash to employ cleaners? Or who don't have high-earning husbands who they can live off even after divorce? You may be swimming in a sea of 'hundreds' such women, but the vast majority of women - including the original poster - do not fall into this category.

What I'm saying is that if you are smart U can set your life up in a secure way that gives u fall backs
I don't consider picking a well off man (or one with obvious good prospect) and setting things up to ensure he would have to leave a large chunk of his earned money if seperated anything smart. Its actually quite insulting to women to call this 'smart'.

I rather I, and my daughter, use our intelligence to bring our own income.

PrayingandHoping

"Note none of us SAHM have made personal sweeping comments about working mums!! I have met horrific ones but that wouldn't be fair on the good ones."

Er, that's pretty much exactly what you've just done here (albeit with a passive aggressive "backatcha" caveat.

With one or two exceptions (which I've already cited, such as the baby shower one which was heavy handed and rude) the vast majority of the comments on here haven't been "personal sweeping comments" about SAHMs. They have simply been personal by women who have found themselves financially disadvantaged as a result of stopping work to raise children.

There are some ugly stereotypes on both sides but the overwhelming majority of the posts here are basically people urging the OP to keep her hand in financially and pointing out that handing all financial power to her husband is probably not wise.

Totally agree about enjoying your job or not. I needed to leave anyway my job was not right for me hugely demanding amazing pay international travel but after 6 years I was over it. No women went back after having kids anyway it was too gruelling. Being a sahm for 6 years gave me the space I needed to regroup. Set up on my own doing a related but different thing earn well (not as well but two thirds of former salary) and much happier. Which is why it’s such a personal decision. My sister loved her job and went back and got a nanny that was right for her.

@dontdisturbmenow

What I'm saying is that if you are smart U can set your life up in a secure way that gives u fall backs I don't consider picking a well off man (or one with obvious good prospect) and setting things up to ensure he would have to leave a large chunk of his earned money if seperated anything smart. Its actually quite insulting to women to call this 'smart'.

I rather I, and my daughter, use our intelligence to bring our own income.

That is full of insinuation and mis quote

1. I am not money grabber! When we married he worked for an average wage in an ordinary professional sector. He has worked very hard and gone up the grades. There was zero guarantee he would end up where he has and tbh it was not something we ever talked about happening. He could have not managed it or even moved career path.

1. I never said I have made sure if we separated I would be given a large chunk of money. You have quoted out of context and made it suit your narrative. I SAID that we had made sure if he died or became disabled etc and was unable to work we would be more than fine. That is what I said. Protecting yourself against those things is possible and is "smart"

Its funny how many women didn't like their job anyway and use this as justification to leave when on maternity. A bit like the number of women who didn't like their surname so it was no bother to change it on marriage. Both DP and I have hated our jobs at times and discussed it and what the options are. I have walked away from a job with a bully for a boss because I know DP (and our savings) will back me up and he has nearly walked (refused to do something) from terrible jobs knowing that my salary will keep us going if need be. If there is only one salary the pressure not to rock the boat is higher. I've seen colleagues (male and female) taken advantage of because they are the sole earner.

@Imworthit

Planning a baby with partner. He'll work 4 days and I will. Opposing hours. Anything else is non negotiable. He's a parent too.

Good for you, I hope it works out. My DH and I each do four days and it works brilliantly for us. I would love to see more couples do this.

If my DH and I had split parental leave we would've been far worse off. I also didnt want to split it 😳 As a breastfeeding mum, cosleeping, everything! And my husband loved his job which earns a hell of a lot, why can't I take a few years out?

It used to be that working mums got flack. Now mums who spend ANY time apart from paid maternity leave at home are treated like crap. They're not all idiots BTW. If they were taking a career break at 25 it would be looked upon as "go you!!"

It's pretty antifeminist to chastise women for choices like this.

@PrayingandHoping, my response wasn't about your personal circumstances, it was in relation to your comment about 'being smart' which I find totally inappropriate and insulting.

Being a sahm should be a joint decision all through the marriage. There therefore should be no need to be smart about it, just to be open to discuss it and accept compromises if required and plan the impact of any decision now and in the future which anyone can do, smart or not.

That is what I said. Protecting yourself against those things is possible and is "smart"
Ok fair enough, to me that's not what 'smart' is about. As above, planning for the future is a standard part of everyone's life. But my apologies if it indeed is what you meant.

You say you'd be out of pocket because of childcare, even part time, but that won't be the case forever. in a few years she'll be at school and so the childcare needs will be different. Also, she's only 7 months now, being at home with a baby isn't the same as being at home with a toddler. You might find that you don't actually enjoy it as much after the first year or so.
It makes you very vulnerable to have no financial independence, no matter how great your marriage is now.

I went back to work full time then dropped to part time. I'm now back full time after 11 years. Personally, I did not give up a job to stay at home due to the longer term benefits and I don't agree with giving up a job and then using tax credits to fund my choice but each to their own.

I struggled with this - I was the higher earner and had always worked.

I spoke to a coach that specialises in new mums and it made the world of difference. I am now happily a stay at home mum and wouldn't change it. I don't have any doubts as I know I weighed up everything and made the best decision for our family.

In no way am I boring now 🤣 and my relationship hasn't turned toxic or resentful. Honestly some of these comments!!!!

[quote dontdisturbmenow]@PrayingandHoping, my response wasn't about your personal circumstances, it was in relation to your comment about 'being smart' which I find totally inappropriate and insulting.

Being a sahm should be a joint decision all through the marriage. There therefore should be no need to be smart about it, just to be open to discuss it and accept compromises if required and plan the impact of any decision now and in the future which anyone can do, smart or not.[/quote]
But u quoted it out of context and referred to it in a diff circumstance

How I originally write could never be insulting. No matter your work life set up. Having life insurance, critical illness cover etc IS the smart thing to do!

24 pages on this thread so I’m sure you don’t really need more opinions on your original question. :) Just wanted to say that I’m a SAHM and love it. ❤️

Pros- 1. I love never having to worry about phone calls telling me to collect my poorly child from school. I’m here and ready with open arms anytime, day or night.

1. I love always being on top of housework, ironing, having dinner prepared for family meal so we can all just enjoy our time together as a family.
2. I love that I’m no longer too tired to play with my kids (which I was, juggling 30 hour weeks while part time).
3. I do love the traditional role. I like being in my home, I enjoy cleaning, decluttering, cooking and I don’t even mind sorting laundry!

Cons-

1. Financially, I don’t contribute. Sometimes other people make me feel like absolute shit for this.
2. Sometimes it’s lonely, but I have quite a few friends long distance so we talk online whenever time allows.
3. People’s unbelievably strong opinions on this topic. They have the right to work, to make their own decisions. I don’t. I get told to get off my lazy arse and help my husband. Well my husband and I are happy with OUR decisions, so I just laugh and say ‘it sounds like jealousy’ and change the subject.

You need a thick skin. Do what’s right for you and your family at the end of the day. Just one tip- don’t tell anyone you don’t NEED to work because you’re financially stable without it. It really pisses people off. Say ‘It’s hard at times, we happily give up certain things, but we get by okay and it’s the right decision for us’. It’s no one’s business how you pay your bills.