to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I would stay at home and bring up your child yourself. I really don't understand why people have kids and then farm them out.

🤦🏼‍♀️ Do you judge men for "farming" their dc out?

I took nearly five years out and brought up my children myself.

Who's bringing them up now?

Choices have to be made and it’s very difficult to feel secure in those choices when at least part of society are telling you you’ve made the wrong ones.

See now, i don't find that at all. I think if you are secure in your choices you don't care what others think, you know you have done the right thing,

It’s a natural reaction to pull apart other women’s choices, because society has ensured you are conflicted about your own.

Again, I don't agree with this. I have never been conflicted about my choice and It's not natural for everyone to pull others down, that is an unattractive trait in certain people but you don't bring others down to raise yourself up, again that's a certain unattractive trait in a certain person. Don't lump us all into that category.

Do you judge men for "farming" their dc out?

Or would you judge them as a parenting couple and expect one of them to have wanted to stay at home and bring up their child, it not necessarily be the woman ?

I think if you are secure in your choices you don't care what others think, you know you have done the right thing

I’m saying it’s very difficult to feel secure, what with the criticism coming from someone, no matter what you choose.

It’s brilliant if people are able to see that conflict for what it is and rise above it, but it’s naive to think that it isn’t impacting how a lot of mothers feel about themselves and not everyone is able to clearly see the conflicting pressure they’re being put under.

Which is why Wfh/Sah threads are always a bunfight on here.

House🤚Bingo🖍
The farm out/ why have kids if you leave em with strangers reproach
I happily farm my kids out,any agricultural holding will do. Any stark joyless institution will do.

Did your husband opt out when he was working FT. He was not around.

I've been a SAHM for 8 years now (our youngest is 4). It is, on the whole, fantastic. But, like all things, it depends on your circumstances.

I didn't have a career, I had a job. I didn't enjoy it. After we got married, DH retrained, so I became the sole earner for 3 years while he was at university again. After he made that decision, our plan was for me to be a SAHM when we had children, which suited both of us.

Now I get to home educate our children, which is also excellent. DH works in one of the family-friendly areas of Law (i.e. he never has crazy hours or has to work weekends) in a very secure job. He doesn't have to worry about looking after the children when they're sick because I'm home (though when I had PND he compressed his hours so I could go to counselling).

If my husband wasn't as supportive as DH, if he didn't understand that he still has responsibilities as a parent despite me being home all day (he does all their bedtimes, unless he's out, and spends most of the weekend with them) then things wouldn't work as well as they do. He's also excellent at picking up any slack that happens because of my health condition.

Circumstances are important.

@SentientAndCognisant

Women aren’t by in large bad or nasty,and women reproducing & repeating the views of a patriarchal society is hardly surprising .

We are conditioned to be good/nice/nurturing and some women who don’t fufil those attributes are unfairly demonised in media,movies and societal values. That’s why some women harshly judge other .

Look at the amount of movies that use the trope of career woman has an epiphany and sees a man & love matter more than career.

Everyone knows the cautionary tale, The husk of a career woman who’s empty to the core until she finds true purpose in being a mum.

Women who return to work are harshly judged, they’ve given up the magical moments they’ll never get back. All in pursuit of money. En are not judged by the same standard. They’re not deemed to have given anything up or be missing out

While I do agree with this I think there is also another reason why women judge others so harshly. Cognitive dissonance, they may be in a situation not of their choosing and judging others embeds the ideas that they are ok.

"Yes Im ok, its not that bad because its a Mothers love, my DC need me,DH needs a SAHW, he cant do his very imortant job without me"
Others farm out, neglect, dont care as much* rather than simply having a different life , view or a DH who does his share
Turn it on its head -few women have a SAHP, need their job facilitating in the same way.

• I dont agree with this

I did it.
Deeply regret it to this day .... stuck between a rock and a hard place. It sucks.

Women who return to work are harshly judged, they’ve given up the magical moments they’ll never get back.

By other women, yes.

All in pursuit of money

Not neccessarily, some women enjoy work, some feel it enhances their life, and even if it doesn't, money is important. And no not to go on flashy holidays, but for a secure roof over your head and to ensure the cupboards are never bare. But you see it on here all of the time, people assuming the man has a super important job which pays the bills, and the silly little womans money just goes on holidays and treats.

All in the pursuit of money isn’t my sentiment,but I hear it,read it on here,& RL
As if a woman’s money is for fripperies but a man money,that’s proper Money
Then of course there is the suggestion why can’t one just be more prudent. Just Go on less holidays, add an extra can of tomatoes to dinner to stretch it out. Shop 2nd hand etc

Anyone who thinks money isn't important has never had to go without it.

Obviously men earn money for Noble Pursuits and women for handbags and liposuction.

Cognitive dissonance, they may be in a situation not of their choosing and judging others embeds the ideas that they are ok.

I think there is definitely an element of this.

Which is why Wfh/Sah threads are always a bunfight on here.

I know, it is really quite ridiculous the amount of arguments over it......still.

As if people are expecting others to "see the light" that the others choice is right....No, it doesn't work like that, there is no standard right answer.

People are different with different needs, priorities and expectations. People should do what makes them happy and is right for them. It's great to give a personal experience for the OP to draw on but for people to preach to others is just so self righteous.

Anyone who thinks money isn't important has never had to go without
it*
⬆️ Christ yes, if you’re saying it’s only money to tighten your belt you clearly have enough money

I see it on here all the time. Mothers who work are crass materialists, doing it for the handbags and the shoes. Fathers however are dutiful providers.

Like it’s never occurred to people that a key responsibility of parenthood is putting food on the table and no, it shouldn’t necessarily be down to the person with the penis.

Why on a site predominantly for women,do other women use pejorative terms like bunfight
Why is woman disagreeing seen as an unsavoury thing
Women are capable of arguing with each other and holding contrary opinions. This is not a bad thing

Calling it bunfight is demeaning
And if smacks of women know your place.

I gave up work to be a sahm after second dd and was home for about 6 years. I loved being a sahm at the time but I do sometimes regret jumping off the career ladder. I now have a job I really enjoy but earn less than half what I would be on had I stayed in previous career and now very much have a job rather than a career which has big benefits to family life but at times can be a bit frustrating.
When the kids were little I had lots of lovely mum friends but that changes as the kids get older and people go back to work, move etc..
I remember spending a lot of time as a sahm looking at job adverts - it is really boring at times and as much as you have great mum mates there is a lot of hours just you and kids - winter evenings between 3-6 used to be a particular challenge I'd be desperate for dh to get home to have someone to talk to and he'd come in knackered and not in the mood to hear about that mornings playground antics
Also relying on one wage has obvious stresses
I don't think being a sahm makes you boring but it is such a different world to that of a full time working parent so you will feel that life is very different to dh and that can cause resentment on both sides - I would have happily moved into a commune with other mums as I often felt on a different planet to dh when the kids were really little
I now could do further training which means I could earn more and have more opportunities but as I have always fitted around the kids while dh has been main breadwinner I can't really pursue this yet without causing a lot of disruption to childcare etc - this can feel very frustrating
I'm not saying I wouldn't recommend being a sahm but it's worth knowing the cons - the pros are pretty obvious

Women are capable of arguing with each other and holding contrary opinions.

But that’s not what happens on the threads in question.

It gets personal, posters attack one another, logic goes out the window.

That’s because it’s a difficult, emotional subject, where society has ensured that it’s difficult to feel secure in the choices you’ve made, so it gets personal very quickly.

It’s an unhappy consequence of the society we live in.

@SimonJT

Could you go part time? It is an option, the fees thing is only an issue if you are expected to foot the bill rather than it being a family cost. Or could you both work part time? Not only would that hugely decrease childcare costs but on your working days you may be less worried if she is with her Dad rather than in nursery.

Will family money continue to pay into a pension for you while you’re out of work?

This the key way to look at this IMO.

People work for more than money.
The care cost of a child should be from the pot if a relationship is healthy.

Assuming you could pick up after an absence is presumptuous.

Do not make any decision now.
You may change how you feel.

Being with adults you enjoy is not to be sniffed at.

See how you feel after a winter being at home.

Will you take on all home duties including childcare?

Be careful of backing yourself into a corner.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just all the OP’s posts. It does sound very much to me like the OP only wants to listen to people supporting the SAHM choice.

I don’t have views one way or the other as it’s such a personal decision, but I would say that now is too early to make that decision (at least it would have been for me). At 7 months I couldn’t bear the thought of ever leaving my baby - he was still so small and dependent - and I’d basically forgotten what it was like to use my brain and be something other than DS’s mum. I dreaded returning to work (but had no choice but to do it) when he was 1, even though by then he was so much more independent, but to my surprise I found when I went back that I absolutely loved it. I hadn’t realised I’d missed it because I was so absorbed in my child but I really had.

Talking about wages not covering childcare is stupid imo- childcare costs are high for 2 years - from age 1-3 - and then they drop right down. If you’re not losing money in those 2 years then the other financial benefits (pension, NI etc) plus just being in a job and everything that comes with that still make it financially/professionally worthwhile.

That’s because it’s a difficult, emotional subject, where society has ensured that it’s difficult to feel secure in the choices you’ve made, so it gets personal very quickly.

Speak for yourself, not every woman feels insecure with their choices. I love working, I don't feel an ounce of guilt for DD being in childcare with other children, doing a variety of activities we couldn't do here, and having the financial stability that we aren't stressed, planning how to cut back or worrying about food on the table. I am proud to be a mother, but I'm also still me, and my job is important to me. Similarly, I have a lot of respect for women who choose to be a SAHM, and I don't doubt that many do so because they genuinely want to be at home, not because society guilts them into it. Of course some aren't sure of their decisions, or get defensive hearing others experiences because they don't want to believe it will happen to them; but let's not paint everyone has being guilt ridden.

Speak for yourself, not every woman feels insecure with their choices

Don’t get me wrong, it’s great if you don’t, it’s how it should be.

I’m trying to explain why this can be such a difficult topic to discuss rationally (because it’s difficult for mothers to achieve that security and the conflicting messages society sends to them is the primary reason for that).

Phrases like bunfight bitchfest are often used in mn and are gendered & pejorative
Arguements by their very nature are heated,can get unpleasant, that’s how it goes. Doesn’t make it a reason not to do it. Commenting women arguing is unpleasant it smack of be nice, women know your place.

The very point of mn is the exchange of views,and yes it gets heated. So long as it’s heated in a discursive way not a personal way it’s ok

The strength of mn is the ability to agree, disagree And interact with huge amount of women without the RL usual barriers of location, age,race,appearance ,class . Sure those become evident as a thread progresses but we get to interact (and argue) with women we’d never ordinarily meet.

I don't think being a sahm makes you boring

I was a sahm for two years, not by choice, and, I'm sorry but the women I met were really boring. I didn't get it - they had all had interesting careers and must have been really interesting people in their own lives but as SAHM they only had three topics of conversation, their kids, their sex lives with their husbands and how much they used to drink before they had kids. At playgroups, it was only the first topic for conversation, on nights out, all three topics.

I was sooo happy to get back to work and to have normal interesting conversations about life, the world and everything with interesting people!

@Coffeeandbeans

Why don’t more men become SAHP?

In divorces more dads are getting 50:50 access which must be a good thing?

What happens if the male partner decides in 6 months time that they would like to be the SAHP?

Why is it always the women that say they are fed up with their jobs so might as well be a SAHP? I’m sure the man that pours the tar onto the road at the roadworks hates his job too but are we all conditioned to expect men to suck it up and support their families?

If I was a man working full time and I was missing out on the play dates, the coffee at parks, the rhyme times, the baby massages i think the resentment, jealousy and stress from the financial responsibility would start to build up quite quickly. I think shared parental care is the way forward. Men need to start asking to work part time.

Conditioning from childhood is so strong isn’t it.

It would be interesting if one of the big three pledged to offer a decent amount of shared leave, with compulsory splits meaning one parent had to take at least x months of leave. I know in Sweden it hasn’t hugely increased stay at home Dads and more women are still staying at home or dropping down the career ladder despite childcare being very affordable.

Men being seen as providers is a very sexist view, but there have been threads on here with a surprising number of posters who wouldn’t date a man who earned less than them. I think we like to pretend things have changed but they just haven’t, look at how people still view female professionals, they’re assumed to be the PA, receptionist, tea girl etc. People still default to mum being the main parent, if a child is naughty etc its his/her mums fault, never dads.

Lots of work places are still in the 1950’s, when I put in my application for part time flexible hours I was asked if I had made a mistake, I was told by my line manager that I wouldn’t be respected as respectable men apparently don’t raise their children.

When I have to take time off for my son (which is fairly rare) I’m always asked “why can’t his mum do it?” Why should his imaginary mum have the day off? I would also bet an entire years wages that they never ask a female employee “why doesn’t his dad do it?”

Baby/toddler/child groups can be fairly unwelcoming to dads, but because there aren’t many stay at home dads etc there just isn’t the demand for dad only groups. The only group where I wasn’t excluded (or literally asked to leave from one!) was one specifically for children with additional needs and one that was run by a Dad.

I know two stay at home Dads, I’m a lone Dad and I work part time (4 short days) in a fairly competitive industry. We’re all gay, it would be interesting to look at the split of childcare etc in gay families as sexist expectations are removed from our relationships.

I personally wouldn’t want to be a stay at home Dad as I wouldn’t want my partner to have the pressure of bringing in the only wage. I would however expect them to also go part time.

I know this is anecdotal, but all of the gay parents I know (men and women) adoption leave was shared fairly equally between both parents and each couple has either a stay at home parent or a part time parent, a few have two part time parents. So a decent study would be interesting.

We do need a huge shift in the whole of society, but its going to take generations of hard work to achieve it.