to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I think it's a valid observation though that many women do tend to put pressure on themselves to fulfil these roles in a different way to many men, who tend not to feel "guilt" so much as many women do. We can all draw conclusions about that but I think it is a reasonable thing to notice, even if it's a distinction something for society to take note of and work to change

I have posted further up the thread that I absolutely understand the risk and I am concerned about a career break and future prospects, but on a separate note I do think that my being at home has helped our marriage because prior to that I was working very long hours and barely saw DH who felt that a lot of other things fell to him. Now it is more equal albeit I do pick up the vast majority of housework etc because I am simply here to do so. It probably could have worked equally well the other way round but we were both very happy to do it this way and yes again I do recognise that this leaves me vulnerable and have otherwise taken steps to keep as secure as I can

As someone who gave up my career and worked pt evenings and weekends in retail, I would say go pt if you can but stay in the same industry/role. It's almost impossible to come back from in many industries as times change so much, and confidence dwindles. Also, I think my DDs would have enjoyed going to nursery.

that many women do tend to put pressure on themselves to fulfil these roles in a different way to many men, who tend not to feel "guilt" so much as many women do.

Do women put pressure on themselves though, or does society? Is it even possible to separate the two?

And isn’t it handy for patriarchal society to hold up these female ‘standards’ to the degree that women have to give up their financial security to maintain them?

While men are let off the hook.

Well, that's the important question isn't it, and I think it's fairly complex. But I do understand what the pp you are referring to meant, likewise I also agree with your points

I don't understand why part time is not financially viable but not working at all or working full time is? I worked three days and we paid three days childcare. Childcare is always going to be proportional to the days you work right?

That said by the time we had two in nursery my wages would not be much more than the fees but I would do it all the same way again. Part time was the best of both worlds for us.

Do women put pressure on themselves though, or does society?
Both inextricably linked, and that’s why no decision is made in isolation

OP when I first had DC I would've loved to have been more of a sahm. Unfortunately it wasn't an option due to finances and I had to return to work.

Nowadays I am extremely glad I did - DH was very ill and died so I am now a single parent. I am forever thankful I held onto my job as otherwise we would've really been in a mess financially.

And isn’t it handy for patriarchal society to hold up these female ‘standards’ to the degree that women have to give up their financial security to maintain them?

Most of the judgement seems to come from other women, sure there are still deep rooted issues in society that mean the playing field isn't level, but the attitude of individuals also plays a big part.

I felt same way but part time was the option for me. I was lucky that in my field getting part time was fairly easy, but as you say the drop in pay meant I pretty much was only working to pay for childcare, just about.

I worked part time and then when no 2 came along in a couple of years I had maternity pay again. Think about that too. If you leave now, no maternity pay if you have another child.

I then again returned part time but was lucky to have my parents help with childcare.

My eldest is now 10 and i’ve only been part time since having him.

I truly could not have missed out on so much of their childhoods. Equally the contact with other adults and sense of purpose of working has kept me sane!

@Savananan

And isn’t it handy for patriarchal society to hold up these female ‘standards’ to the degree that women have to give up their financial security to maintain them?

Most of the judgement seems to come from other women, sure there are still deep rooted issues in society that mean the playing field isn't level, but the attitude of individuals also plays a big part.

That's true, but it's largely only because the society we live in generally allows men to opt out of a debate like this because it's not thought to be, or indeed is, a decision that they often have to make. Like in the past where women weren't allowed to do anything important and then get laughed at and criticised for having nothing better to concern themselves.

Men argue very much among themselves in the fields that they're expected to dominate.

@SummerHouse I wonder if it's because in some cases the role can't be done part time and hence the salary band drops too

For example I decided not to go back to my role because it would have meant I literally would not have seen my DC at all Monday-Friday (except if I looked in on them asleep) because my hours were longer than drop off/pick up/bedtime etc. All the childcare would have fallen to my DH, and the role simply couldn't be done part time. I could have done a different role there, but my salary would have halved due to the lesser responsibilities so it would be half as much each day etc

Now in hindsight I probably should have sought a part time role elsewhere at the time, as I planned to when DC turned 2, but the the pandemic struck and now I'm pregnant with DC2 so will wait until they are 12 months to try my best in a difficult market. Financially we are thankfully secure but it is the exposure I worry about

Most of the judgement seems to come from other women

People misunderstand what patriarchal society means. Women are often as complicit in its machinations as men, if not more so.

Another clever trick - make women the enforcers of societal norms that ultimately benefit men.

Don't do it. Makes you utterly financially vulnerable. Not worth it. Don't become a statistic of one of the many women fucked over when the relationship ends.

Don’t do it. I’m late 40s and haven’t worked in 5 years, I don’t have a pension as we’ve moved around for work (abroad), marriage is shit, I’m fucked.

That’s a nasty and unnecessary comment, dollypoppy.

I did. For 3 years. It was the best 3 years :)
Then again a few years ago because no wraparound childcare and my job is not part time type (could be, but employers don't see it a possibility.) Second best 2 years of my life.

Both time it was easy to get back to my job/career, but i guess that depends on what sector you work in and at what level. I was mid-senior both times.

Another clever trick - make women the enforcers of societal norms that ultimately benefit men.

Ah yes, women are nasty and judgemental to others to try and make them feel better about their own decisions are not accountable for their actions, gotcha.

Ah yes, women are nasty and judgemental to others to try and make them feel better about their own decisions are not accountable for their actions

No.

Women are subject to contradictory expectations in a way that men aren’t.

‘You need to be a great employee’ AND ‘you need to be a great mother. Which, as we all know, is different to being a great dad.

Very difficult to deliver on both of these things at the same time. Choices have to be made and it’s very difficult to feel secure in those choices when at least part of society are telling you you’ve made the wrong ones. It’s a natural reaction to pull apart other women’s choices, because society has ensured you are conflicted about your own.

Men, without the weight of such contradictory expectations heaped upon them, feel more secure and can be more relaxed.

@AdoptAdaptImprove

It’s still a while away, so don’t make any decisions just yet.

I know that you’d only be breaking even financially if you went back part time, but there’s more to it than money - you’d still be in work, keeping up your experience and professional development, paying into your pension, and progressing. If you do take the time out entirely, you’ll be making it much harder to go back after a break of - potentially - several years. Even if you’re well qualified, loss of that current experience will put you at a disadvantage when you go back to job searching.

I know the time with your child is irreplaceable, but by splitting the difference and working part time, you’d be setting yourself up to give them much greater advantages in the future.

I agree with this. I went back 3 days a week and it really was the best of both worlds. My DCs loved nursery and it made them really sociable, they had lots of little friends. Then I had 2 days myself to spend with them and 2 days as a family. Happy days! I also had the adult company and mental stimulation of work.

Tbh if I were you I would go part time to keep a hand in. You don't want to assume because you're qualified you can just go back whenever. It isn't always that simple.

Also does depend on finances. I wouldn't personally, as PPs have said, leave work and claim. Welfare is there for when it is needed it isnt a lifestyle choice.

If you are willing to take the risk on being able to go back to your career later if you want to, and financially you can manage without welfare, then go for it. Just make sure you think it through. I know people who have become SAHM and loved it but I actually know more who wish they had kept a hand in tbh. The choice has to be yours though x

which one @Dozer?

@TheKeatingFive yes it did seem to imply that but no you won't! 🤣

I did it and then was left as single mum on benefits with nothing and it was really really hard to get back into the employment market.

It's also really lonely. Could not a part time option suit?

I would stay at home and bring up your child yourself. I really don't understand why people have kids and then farm them out. Sure, it probably doesn't do them that much harm / if any, as the children won't remember being in nursery but you will remember not being there. I took nearly five years out and brought up my children myself. I was lucky in that we could just about afford to keep me at home.

Funnily enough my husband didn't leave me / have an affair. He didn't find me boring - he appreciated that I was bringing up our children and he is still married to me.

The only thing that would bother me in your situation is that we are entering a recession - your husband's job has got to be rock solid.

Enjoy your daughter. If you are planning another one though I'd start trying now so that your time at home is as short as possible - you will need to re-enter the job market at some point.

Women aren’t by in large bad or nasty,and women reproducing & repeating the views of a patriarchal society is hardly surprising .

We are conditioned to be good/nice/nurturing and some women who don’t fufil those attributes are unfairly demonised in media,movies and societal values. That’s why some women harshly judge other .

Look at the amount of movies that use the trope of career woman has an epiphany and sees a man & love matter more than career.

Everyone knows the cautionary tale, The husk of a career woman who’s empty to the core until she finds true purpose in being a mum.

Women who return to work are harshly judged, they’ve given up the magical moments they’ll never get back. All in pursuit of money. En are not judged by the same standard. They’re not deemed to have given anything up or be missing out