to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

@tornadoalley Feminism is a political and ideological movement to agitate for economic & structural changes and equality . It’s too reductionist to say feminism is simply about your choices. Feminism cannot be reduced to you choosing to not work.

I haven't read the whole thread. But from what I can gather, it's a classic case of someone starting a thread ostensibly to 'seek advice' but in reality to look for validation for a decision they have already more or less made.

I honestly was never offended by people calling me a part time parent.
It was so absurd - I mean who else was doing it?
The secret parent fairy?
I wish I’d met her - she could have washed the kit and made interesting things with mince.

Guilty for working?
No
Why on earth would I feel guilty for providing for myself, family and future

@IcedPurple

I haven't read the whole thread. But from what I can gather, it's a classic case of someone starting a thread ostensibly to 'seek advice' but in reality to look for validation for a decision they have already more or less made.

You hit the nail on the head there. Seemingly happy marriages break up regularly & there’s no avoiding it.

If they go off with another woman she will want her nest feathering too.

Juggling child care, housework and work is stressful for both of us now, but I can't justify not working

What is it you find stressful?

I would also hate to get home at any time after an 8-12 hour working day and start cooking.

So what do you do now? Did you work & cook dinner pre dc? I don't work Mon but will work Tues & probably cook both days as want to try out some new things. I don't find it any harder to cook after working on Tuesday then I would after taking dc to park, activity on Mon. Why would it be harder?

If they go off with another woman she will want her nest feathering too
⬆️Superb turn of phrase. I might steal that, it’s so good

Ask to go part time - find a good nursery or childminder for the days you work, that way your DD will get the benefit of socialisation, you keep your hand in the labour market and your pension going. Only way I’d give up work now (Mum of one DS) is if I was sacked. Everyone feels differently of course, but she’ll be in school before you know it, and then what will you do?

Way too much projection here.

I agree. You're projecting that working & parenting is a huge struggle & households can be less stressful if one partner doesn't work.

Sorry some people feel guilty for wanting to work, having to work, preferring to work, feeling insecure enough to need to work and finding motherhood boring

People should be confident in their choices without having to put others down.

I really like working & recognise I have a good balance. I don't feel stressed, can walk to work & we also outsource so feel my life is pretty relaxed tbh. What am I supposed to feel guilty about?

it was the housework that would push him over the edge

@dollypopy You neglectfully left out the above in twisting what I am saying. All I'm saying is in my experience housework doesn't push anyone over the edge, not DH or myself. I am saying it was far easier when I was at home to do the majority of housework, and co parent more easily.

@SentientAndCognisant As we are talking here about Op choice to work or not to work for a defined period, I didn't think it relevant to include the political and ideological structures of feminism. In the 1950s it was mainly about seeking equality and having the choice to work and of being a second class citizen in multiple ways. Feminism is a constantly evolving movement, just like life.

But you said by you doing the housework he could be a good parent & good employee so doesn't that imply that the housework is the tipping point?

The women's movement and feminism is aboutchoices.

No, it's about equality.

Feminism cannot be reduced to you choosing to not work

Yes, this.

@SentientAndCognisant

Be my guest.

^ Way too much projection here.

I agree. You're projecting that working & parenting is a huge struggle & households can be less stressful if one partner doesn't work.

Sorry some people feel guilty for wanting to work, having to work, preferring to work, feeling insecure enough to need to work and finding motherhood boring

People should be confident in their choices without having to put others down.

I really like working & recognise I have a good balance. I don't feel stressed, can walk to work & we also outsource so feel my life is pretty relaxed tbh. What am I supposed to feel guilty about?^

@dollypopy Great you have a good life balance. Good for you. But it's not about you. It's about the OP needing opinions from other people. Which I've given. So why the need to pick apart my experiences? I've not picked yours apart? Because I don't give a shit about them.

Feminism is a constantly evolving movement, just like life That is simply a platitude passed off as a summation what’s that phrase
Actually mean?

Feminism is a political and social ideology that agitates for change and equality. It’s not an ill defined construct, nor Is it reduced to “much like life innit”

but taking a career break, which is very unlikely to affect long term income and pensions. So far mine is virtually unaffected.

A 7 year career break is going to make a difference to your pension.

I've better things to do than argue semantics, so I'm hiding this now 😂😂😂

@tornadoalley 🤣🤣

Are you ok? You might not have picked about my personal experience but what do you call this?

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother. They love the fact their wife can be more available to them, less tired and, usually more affectionate, because they are less fraught juggling two lives

Sorry some people feel guilty for wanting to work, having to work, preferring to work, feeling insecure enough to need to work and finding motherhood boring

Where did I pick apart your experience? Saying that working & parenting doesn't have to be stressful particularly when a partner is on board is not picking about your experience.

@tornadoalley what like getting started on dinner? see ya!

@tornadoalley Your fundamental misunderstanding of what is feminism is not semantics
It really isn’t. There are multiple books,sites,podcast to search if you chose to

@tornadoalley

if you have to hide threads because you can't handle getting called out on some of your points that goes some way to explain why you may find some very normal experiences stressful.

As this is an AIBU I would say no, YANBU to worry about giving up your job. Whichever way you frame it you will be taking a risk. Sometimes risks pay off and sometimes they don't.
It's often said that people don't look back and think "I wish I'd worked more". I bet a lot of people will reach 60, look at their pension provision and think exactly that.

I'd never leave my financial stability in the hands of someone else.

Go part time or work around your partners hours but don't give up your financial independence. Anything could happen.

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother.

I know the poster in question has gone, but I’m still trying to understand this.

When pressed she said that none of the dads she knew struggled with being good employees, dads and husbands.

Which would seem to imply either ..,

The requirements are different (which she denied)
Or they’re more capable people (which she denied)

I guess I’m never going to get an answer though.