to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

[quote tornadoalley]@Nixen

(Sigh). Yes, and 80% of men (using the statistics I gave) don't do this. Sad for you if this is your experience. 🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
It’s not my experience, but if my husband does decide to do something like that then at least I will have retained my own career. A quick read of the relationship board will show you that just because they don’t become a divorce statistic, that doesn’t mean it’s a happy marriage.

A parent is always a parent.

A clearer articulation is differentiating between full time and part time care for children

Yes, that's what I said. A parent is always a parent.

People use full time and part time in most roles so it just comes from that, it's not meant to be offensive to anyone and I'm not sure why some take it that way. E.g A nurse is always a nurse, but they are full time or part time based on the hours they put in. They are ultimately always a nurse though.

Try going back part time and see how it goes. I gave up my job when in your position and I regretted it afterwards.

The only people making derisory comments that I work FT are women.sahm
No man ever asked me, tell me why do you maintain your career,earn money and contribute. Asking, What’s all that about?

People use full time and part time in most roles so it just comes from that

You’re talking about employment roles. Being a parent isn’t being an employee.

FT and PT apply to salaries employment not being a parent
Saying someone is a PT mum is pejorative, implies not really committed
It’s a little dig. PT parent =couldn’t quite be bothered

It’s a little dig

It’s a category error. Which actually pisses me off more.

@SentientAndCognisant

FT and PT apply to salaries employment not being a parent Saying someone is a PT mum is pejorative, implies not really committed It’s a little dig. PT parent =couldn’t quite be bothered

No one ever calls a father who works FT a PT parent do they? Honestly what a load of shite and yet women still peddle it rather than really look at what they have got themselves into.

Having said that I do enjoy and get mileage out of the working mum = avaricious self interested husk with the sahm crew
It’s a useful and easy to slip into character

A man who works FT is feted and his absence at school events unremarked
It’s assumed he’s got work and can’t attend. There’s no pejorative comment about that

So why is it only the woman who ‘struggles’ with the balance of being a good parent, partner and employee?

In my life, it's not. There are some women who do and most share with their partners. They share drop off or pick ups in one dynamic or another, they alternate who is off if the kids are sick and share leave for appointments. They have clear roles at home, but most of this is discussed before kids and marriage comes along, so no shock decisions on the whole.

Are the men you know just more all round capable?
No I just married one that was capable of what I wanted and had the same values I did. My friends have done very similar and wouldn't marry or have kids with someone without this views. Obviously there are the cases where the person changes and that's sad and no women should be shafted as some are but I also see people who don't have the important conversation before the events are upon them.

@tornadoalley He could concentrate on his job and being a parent. So he could do both whilst working but it was the housework that would push him over the edge?

but no one had to come home at 6 pm tired and hungry and start cooking a meal.

But working doesn't have to mean this. I finish at 4.30 & 1 day out of 3 wfh. DH wfhs on 1 of the days I work.

We were both less tired, less stressed, and were better parents for it.

I personally find it a lot less stressful to work. If someone wants to be a SAHP then that's fine but I hate the narrative that 2 parents juggling work equals 2 stressful & frazzled parents. Yes it's job dependent but it can be done. DH was offered two jobs in Jan, he took the one that allowed more flexibility & remote working because he wants to be a good parent & husband.

I'm in a sort of similar situation to you and am you g to try 2 days per week. Easier to quit a job I don't like than find one if I decide I want one. If it was FT or nothing I would SAH though as I wouldn't enjoy more than 2 days of work

You’re talking about employment roles. Being a parent isn’t being an employee.

I'm not, I'm explaining why the term is used.

It’s a little dig. PT parent =couldn’t quite be bothered

I've never ever heard someone refer to someone as a PT parent, just a full time parent to explain their duty through the working day. So no dig, but maybe some do and I've just never heard it.

No one ever calls a father who works FT a PT parent do they?
again, I've never heard anyone refer to anyone as a Part time parent, but yes the men in the group are referred to as full time dads

@SentientAndCognisant

"FT and PT apply to salaries employment not being a parent
Saying someone is a PT mum is pejorative, implies not really committed
It’s a little dig. PT parent =couldn’t quite be bothered"

I once knew a SAHM who insisted on calling working mums "part time parents". I always thought that was funny as I worked my hours around my child's preschool, so was there as much as she was.

When her child started school full time, I asked her what she was going to do, now that she was going to be a part time parent? What with her child being at school 30 hours a week. That did not go down at all well. Apparently she was still a full time mother, despite spending most of the day away from her child because being a full time parent wasn't down to the hours she actually spent with her child, it was because she could totally dedicate herself to her child.

So yeah, it's a dig. A totally meaningless one.

So why is it only the woman who ‘struggles’ with the balance of being a good parent, partner and employee?
Because it’s expected that she’ll fulfil all three roles fully
Because there is a huge societal pressure on mothers,and they’re expected to work,and be at school play,be attentive and a good employee.There are not the same expectations upon men. They are judged in the same way for not being at school play,school gate.Some Women go PT or don’t return after having a baby, There is no equivalent number of men doing so,that is not the case for men
Men don’t berate each other about precious times missed
Women berate other women berate other women about precious times missed

I'm explaining why the term is used.

And we’re explaining it’s a category error to use it in this context.

A parent is something you either are or you’re not (same as daughter, son, grandparent).

Full time/part refer to care.

Because it’s expected that she’ll fulfil all three roles fully

Absolutely. A great dad means something totally different to a great mum.

@dollypopy

Don't twist my words. Housework doesn't push anyone over the edge. Dh didn't need to do much so, like me, could enjoy parenting.

Juggling child care, housework and work is stressful for both of us now, but I can't justify not working. I would also hate to get home at any time after an 8-12 hour working day and start cooking.

OP (and I) are not talking about being a SAHM forever, but taking a career break, which is very unlikely to affect long term income and pensions. So far mine is virtually unaffected.

As for the 1950s crap. The women's movement and feminism is about choices. In the 1950s women didn't have the choice to work and parent, didn't have equal pay and opportunities, pensions and so on. They do now.

If OP said 'I am thinking of taking a 7 year career break to study tortoises in the Galápagos Islands' everyone would say, go for it. But taking a career break to bring up their child is torn to pieces.

Way too much projection here. Sorry some people feel guilty for wanting to work, having to work, preferring to work, feeling insecure enough to need to work and finding motherhood boring, but OP seems to be in a secure relationship and hasn't said she wants to spend the rest of her life at home.

Honestly, I can’t recall ever strugglbig with working and parenting.
And my kids grew up lovely and kind and happy and all ended up at uni etc etc
And I stayed married.
And so I’m not sure where the struggle was meant to be

Full time/part refer to care.

So you would have no problem in a person saying I am a parent that cares for its child full time ?

So you would have no problem in a person saying I am a parent that cares for its child full time ?

No

I also agree with full time parent being a category error.

But I also wouldn't have a problem with a SAHM parent who says they are a parent who cares for their child full time. So long as they stop saying that when their child starts preschool or school. As then it's no longer true.

@tornadoalley how did I twist your words?

You wrote

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother. They love the fact their wife can be more available to them, less tired and, usually more affectionate, because they are less fraught juggling two lives

I asked why the men can manage to juggle it all & you replied

No they are not better at juggling. He could concentrate on his job and being a parent. As a former SAHM I could do the housework, washing and cooking and still enjoy lots of lovely baby time

It all seems a bit pedantic and pandering to be fair, you know what people mean, not one person would say it try and imply you are only a parent half to time.
It doesn't offend my working parent friends, but I would hate offend, so let's go with it.