to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

It is in most cases a joint expense as finances are shared. What they mean is that her working doesn't bring more in the pot.

I think often they don't though don'tdisturbme - in many cases the DH and DW earnings are considered separately, even if there is practically a joint account. The childcare costs are attributed to the mother not working.

How many couples who are together currently plan to split up in the future? Yet the large majority of them eventually do. Of course you didn’t want to think you and your husband will ever split but statistically it is extremely likely

This is nonsense.

For starters you are married so have an added stability to your relationship. The 'large majority' is actually around 20% of married couples with children under 16.

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother. They love the fact their wife can be more available to them, less tired and, usually more affectionate, because they are less fraught juggling two lives.

I found it easy to manage 2 children, housework, friends, husband etc when I was home all the time. DH loved that I could cook for him, and he had time to be a father, as he wasn't having to do a share of boring housework jobs.

It's far more stressful now I work again and we seem to have little time for one another at the moment.

@flapdoodlery

" I think children need their mother’s more"

Oh hell, I had to go to work as my DH wanted to do shared parental leave

I assume I've doomed my child now thanks to the fact he "needed" me more. Absolute tosh in my view

Why don’t more men become SAHP?

In divorces more dads are getting 50:50 access which must be a good thing?

What happens if the male partner decides in 6 months time that they would like to be the SAHP?

Why is it always the women that say they are fed up with their jobs so might as well be a SAHP? I’m sure the man that pours the tar onto the road at the roadworks hates his job too but are we all conditioned to expect men to suck it up and support their families?

If I was a man working full time and I was missing out on the play dates, the coffee at parks, the rhyme times, the baby massages i think the resentment, jealousy and stress from the financial responsibility would start to build up quite quickly. I think shared parental care is the way forward. Men need to start asking to work part time.

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother. They love the fact their wife can be more available to them, less tired and, usually more affectionate, because they are less fraught juggling two lives

How do the men in these relationships manage to be a good employer, husband & father? Are they better at juggling two lives?

I think children need their mother’s more
And then we wonder why stereotypes hold firm!

but I didn’t want to share my babies.

Aren't they his as well?

@tornadoalley

How many couples who are together currently plan to split up in the future? Yet the large majority of them eventually do. Of course you didn’t want to think you and your husband will ever split but statistically it is extremely likely

This is nonsense.

For starters you are married so have an added stability to your relationship. The 'large majority' is actually around 20% of married couples with children under 16.

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother. They love the fact their wife can be more available to them, less tired and, usually more affectionate, because they are less fraught juggling two lives.

I found it easy to manage 2 children, housework, friends, husband etc when I was home all the time. DH loved that I could cook for him, and he had time to be a father, as he wasn't having to do a share of boring housework jobs.

It's far more stressful now I work again and we seem to have little time for one another at the moment.

All fun and games til he leaves you for his 24 year old secretary and you haven’t worked for 12 years 😂

" It's not forever, and those precious first years, with the play dates, meeting up with other mums for coffee and chats and picnics in the parks, are never replaceable.

It doesn't have to be either or, I work & do these things weekly because I work pt & tto."

Absolutely @dollypopy

When my DD was little, I worked mornings and she went to nursery. Given that she had a two to three hour nap in the mornings, but not the afternoons (by age of 1), I would pick her up after she had a lunch and met friends / did an activity every week day.

All I missed out on was her breakfast / morning sleep and lunch. Still got to spend a minimum of 6/7 hours with her every day... and kept my job, so I could always manage my hours around my Children’s needs. They're now teens and I still work part time, so I mange my hours around taking them to their hobbies.

I've spent four days a week with my daughter since she was 11 months old. The house is covered with photos and mementos of our time together. I swear, hand on heart, I absolutely do not feel that I've missed out on seeing her grow up. Working has made me enjoy the time more because I've not got bored and stir crazy, which I personally would have done as a SAHM.

I do think that it's also important to remember that kids do need money as well as quality time. Bills, food and shelter aren't optional extras.

@dollypopy

No they are not better at juggling. He could concentrate on his job and being a parent. As a former SAHM I could do the housework, washing and cooking and still enjoy lots of lovely baby time. I really enjoyed my home time. DH would wash up (pre dishwasher days), hoover around at the weekend, but no one had to come home at 6 pm tired and hungry and start cooking a meal. I would have done it (I enjoy cooking). He would then do baths and bed, and I would do storytime. We had relaxing evenings and plenty of time to make baby 2 😂

We were both less tired, less stressed, and were better parents for it. He was also a better employee.

I work part time now but look back on those years as lovely and stress free. No problem returning to the workplace.

OP, despite all your claims that you're worried about giving up your job, it seems your mind is actually settled on this after all as you don't seem to be taking on the downsides that people are offering. Personally, if I were you, and I gave up my job when I had my DS and didn't work for a few years, in this climate I would be really pushing with your employer to go back PT.

I went back PT when my youngest was 1 (very PT, one day a weekend and then slowly upped it from there). I'd had about 4 years being a SAHM. This was about 13 years ago when there were no pandemics and job opportunities weren't too bad. I felt very out of it and behind, even just with 4 years, and that all my colleagues were better than me.

During my time as a SAHM there were few people I knew in the same boat - most of my friends didn't have kids yet and worked FT and I wasn't a massive fan of baby groups so I didn't make any very close "mum friends" till the school years. So it was lonelier than I thought it would be. We managed money ok in terms of bills and mortgage but there was nothing left over for nice holidays abroad or anything, and every holiday in this country involved making picnics on our days out rather than eating in cafes.

I really think that most people who put their kids in nursery find that the salary being earned while they are there doesn't leave much left over at all. Fact of life. But this isn't forever. After school clubs or childminders aren't as costly so once they're at school it does get cheaper somewhat, although any leftover salary would probably be spent on things like extracurricular activities at infant and junior age.

Really think about pursuing the PT option. In my view it's the best of both worlds. The only "downside" (except it wouldn't be to me) is that you would use nursery days to work, rather than have "me time" as a SAHM putting their child in nursery for a day a week might do.

Pensions are so important. I don't think people think about living costs aand standards after they retire when they consider giving up a job, and thus pension contributions. They only consider what is enough to live on NOW. It's a gross error of judgement in my view.

OP, despite all your claims that you're worried about giving up your job, it seems your mind is actually settled on this after all as you don't seem to be taking on the downsides that people are offering. Personally, if I were you, and I gave up my job when I had my DS and didn't work for a few years, in this climate I would be really pushing with your employer to go back PT.

I went back PT when my youngest was 1 (very PT, one day a weekend and then slowly upped it from there). I'd had about 4 years being a SAHM. This was about 13 years ago when there were no pandemics and job opportunities weren't too bad. I felt very out of it and behind, even just with 4 years, and that all my colleagues were better than me.

During my time as a SAHM there were few people I knew in the same boat - most of my friends didn't have kids yet and worked FT and I wasn't a massive fan of baby groups so I didn't make any very close "mum friends" till the school years. So it was lonelier than I thought it would be. We managed money ok in terms of bills and mortgage but there was nothing left over for nice holidays abroad or anything, and every holiday in this country involved making picnics on our days out rather than eating in cafes.

I really think that most people who put their kids in nursery find that the salary being earned while they are there doesn't leave much left over at all. Fact of life. But this isn't forever. After school clubs or childminders aren't as costly so once they're at school it does get cheaper somewhat, although any leftover salary would probably be spent on things like extracurricular activities at infant and junior age.

Really think about pursuing the PT option. In my view it's the best of both worlds. The only "downside" (except it wouldn't be to me) is that you would use nursery days to work, rather than have "me time" as a SAHM putting their child in nursery for a day a week might do.

Pensions are so important. I don't think people think about living costs aand standards after they retire when they consider giving up a job, and thus pension contributions. They only consider what is enough to live on NOW. It's a gross error of judgement in my view.

Far from being dissatisfied with a SAHM many men love the fact there wife is happier than when struggling to be a good employee, a good wife and a good mother. They love the fact their wife can be more available to them, less tired and, usually more affectionate, because they are less fraught juggling two lives*

Jesus Christ !
I bet they are
No childcare, no chores and their wives are more affectionate and available
Is it the 1950s?
My Father had this and my DM was suicidal and on valium but as long as hes happy eh?...

@Nixen

(Sigh). Yes, and 80% of men (using the statistics I gave) don't do this. Sad for you if this is your experience. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@StyleandBeautyfail I did this, and believe me it was a walk in the park compared to working. Dh does a 50% share now, and it's still a stressful juggling act for both of us. I work 35 hours a week which is part time.

Seriously are you saying a competent woman can't do housework efficiently and still have plenty of free time?

I had loads of free time, and enjoyed every minute!

How do the men in these relationships manage to be a good employer, husband & father? Are they better at juggling two lives?

Excellent point.

We all know there’s no pressure on them to be good husbands and fathers. They can swan in and out of these responsibilities, while the woman does all the grunt work, devotes herself to being a good wife, while taking all the financial risk.

Win, win on his side.

A woman doesn't stop being a mother because she works

Of course she doesn't and I don't think anyone would truly believe that to be true at all.

When people say full time parents, its not that working parents are not always a parent, they mean they are not present for the same time, some people have full time roles and part time roles dependant on the hours they put in, so I think because "full time parents" are putting in more hours being present with their child, not saying that a working parents is not always a parents.

No childcare, no chores and their wives are more affectionate and available

Yeah exactly. Sounds pretty good to me to be honest, if DH stayed at home I wouldn't mind footing his part of the bills as it would be cheaper than childcare. Probably have to lord it over him now and again to make sure he does do everything around the house though, even though financially I'm not going to be much worse off. In fact, without having to share taking time off for sickness, and able to add to my pension pot, I can leave at any time and be absolutely fine; or treat him like crap and he will likely stay as he doesn't have the same financial freedom. Where do I sign up? Even though we might have to go without some things and I might resent him for that down the line, who cares.

so I think because "full time parents" are putting in more hours being present with their child, not saying that a working parents is not always a parents.

A parent is always a parent.

A clearer articulation is differentiating between full time and part time care for children.

We all know there’s no pressure on them to be good husbands and fathers. They can swan in and out of these responsibilities,

That could not be further than the truth in the relationships I have known, I know some men are rubbish, but the expectation is massively different from what you describe to those of the men in my life and the lives of those I know.

Single mum of two here. I worked through. Do I regret it? From the point of having to juggle, miss lots of school fixtures/play dates etc —> yes I do. I feel rubbish that I wasn’t home with them 24/7. And I love my job (I’m an HCP). The kids say that they’re proud of me though, and they have lovely memories of their childcare setting.

Weirdly, I got a lot of stick about working from a lot of the SAHMs at the primary school my son was at. They’d slag off “working mums”, latchkey kids, kids not being brought up properly Because parents were not there for them etc etc...and when I pointed out that I was a working mum, they’d back-pedal really quickly. Apparently I was one of the nice ones(?!).

My mother was a SAHM and I wish I was able to do similar for my two (at least through primary school). However my dad had a very very highly paid job. He was also astute enough to realise just how important my mum’s job was in order to facilitate him working. He ensured that money was put into personal savings for her, and into stocks/bonds/shares (this was over and above what was in the joint accounts), he paid into a pension for her and made sure that insurance for income/life etc was sorted.

But I’m also bloody glad that I kept working. I was married once. We used to be very happily married. STBXH had a life changing accident a month before DC2 was born. He didn't go back to work (although was able to)...I thought it would be ok: he would be the SAHP, he’d not have pressure to go out and work while he recovered and I’d be the breadwinner. That didn’t work as I then found out about his alcohol and drugs use and disappearing on us. Years of trying to help him out of that, drug/alcohol rehab etc etc was to no avail. He turned into a nightmare and then buggered off with someone behind my back. We separated and are divorcing now. He’s since got a part time job. The kids are older now, but I’m so relieved I kept my job. He can’t look after the kids or have them over at his overnight (court ordered). Anyway that’s just my experience and why I’m glad I didn’t stop work. I’d not planned for the shit to hit the fan but it happens sometimes.

I think if you’re going to go down the SAHP route, make sure you’re protected, and things are sorted financially. But also enjoy it :)

My bro and SIL do 4 days each (FT but compressed). This works out brilliantly as their kids only needed to be in nursery 3 days a week, and they’d only need 3 days childcare during hols.

Maybe see how you feel in the early part of next year? I wish you all the best, whatever you choose to do :)

Having said all the above though...financially, I didn’t have a choice not to work!!!

but the expectation is massively different from what you describe to those of the men in my life and the lives of those I know.

So why is it only the woman who ‘struggles’ with the balance of being a good parent, partner and employee?

Are the men you know just more all round capable?

[quote tornadoalley]@StyleandBeautyfail I did this, and believe me it was a walk in the park compared to working. Dh does a 50% share now, and it's still a stressful juggling act for both of us. I work 35 hours a week which is part time.

Seriously are you saying a competent woman can't do housework efficiently and still have plenty of free time?

I had loads of free time, and enjoyed every minute! [/quote]
Nope Im saying 8 can see why a man would like this-he gets to go to work with no worries about CC, domestic stuff and he gets an "available" wife
Meanwhile she has shafted her future earnings and pension to keep him happy.
Well fuck that!
DH and I shared care, domestic stuff and now have 2 cracking pensions
Win win!