to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I gave up a very well paid job with company car to be a sahm. Don't regret it for one minute. All our finances were joint from the start and I believe my dd's massively benefited from me being home. 10 years later when they were older and at school I got a part time job. This wasn't for the money as such but for the social side of things. Do I regret giving up work? Absolutely not. My Dh and I are a team and I never once felt inferior for not providing an income. My job was looking after our children, and it's a 24 hour job which enabled my dh to concentrate on his job.
I loved being a sahm, good luck with your decision

@DurhamDurham

The thing I think most new mothers feel the same, no one loves the thought of actually leaving their baby. But you get used to it, as long as you're happy and confident about your chosen childcare. I worked when my girls were babies, I'd never have made myself reliant on a partner/husband.

I 1000% agree. Most new mothers think this but some many don't have the option not to work. OP I actually think you have been incredibly OFFENSIVE by saying you couldn't bear to leave your child. Whilst the sentiment you've said of course I'm sure is true is very valid, and what you are actually saying is incredibly rude for the mums who have no choice but to go to work. I would rethink yourself next time you post

When we stop hearing things like 'after childcare costs it's not worth me working' because childcare costs are automatically considered joint expenses (and you get that alot on MN) - then we can say that society isn't impacting on women's choices.

OP I am disabled and have 2 kids and a DH.

Have still decided to continue working full time.

I am trying to hold on to work as much as possible.

It gives me respite from the children and a sense of purpose.

I also know that I would struggle to find another professional job after a long absence.

My disabilities may well mean that I won't be able too work for much longer, but I will sure do all I can to stay at work for as long as possible.

I made the choice to be with my children because I wanted to. My DH would have happily stayed at home whilst I worked full time but I didn’t want to share my babies. He’d have also put them in full time child care if that’s what I wanted. Society didn’t tell me that and my DH certainly didn’t. I just don’t like sharing and wanted them all to myself and I loved every minute with them.

Also, perhaps I am old fashioned in this thinking, but I think mothers are the most important thing ever.

I would suggest working part time even if it meant looking for a new job completely especially given the current situation. It’s not about money as such it’s about other stimulation other than your baby for your own self. I personally was fed up after having 12 months of Mat leave. There’s only so many baby groups you can go to I loved been back at work part time.

@chubbyhotchoc

You collect National Insurance points when claiming CB so you have no gap in your employment history for your state pension. If you don’t claim CB then I believe you aren’t showing why you haven’t paid tax. Or something like that. Maybe.

Also, perhaps I am old fashioned in this thinking, but I think mothers are the most important thing ever.

A woman doesn't stop being a mother because she works.

I think women have a lot more hard choices to make than men sometimes, but we still get to make them

⬆️ There are many tropes about women, this falls into the noble but beleaguered category.

Choices don’t happen in isolation,not in a vacuum. Individual choices are enacted in a collective system
Very few people have absolute free choice esp in a first world mixed economy

OP I actually think you have been incredibly OFFENSIVE by saying you couldn't bear to leave your child. Whilst the sentiment you've said of course I'm sure is true is very valid, and what you are actually saying is incredibly rude for the mums who have no choice but to go to work. I would rethink yourself next time you post

This is absolute rubbish. The op doesn't have to rethink herself before she posts her feelings and her dilemma. Yes it is sad that all parents don't have the same choices but that doesn't mean people can't talk about their experiences. If you could only post about things whereby everybody had the same, the boards would be very sparce.

@allthemteeth you can post your feelings as you see fit. The same as other shouldn't get offended by those working pointing out they feel more secure financially and couldn't bear to be at home.

[quote flapdoodlery]@chubbyhotchoc

You collect National Insurance points when claiming CB so you have no gap in your employment history for your state pension. If you don’t claim CB then I believe you aren’t showing why you haven’t paid tax. Or something like that. Maybe.[/quote]
You def don't want to be relying solely on a state pension. If you're not working you are not paying into an occupational pension, nor is your employer. IIRC the statutory minimum is about 8% of your salary, 3% from you, 5% from your employer.

Also, perhaps I am old fashioned in this thinking, but I think mothers are the most important thing ever
⬆️ Another trope about women, mother hardest job in the world. They’re so saintly

If women were regarded as most important thing ever we’d still not have pay discrepancies & discrimination

@ShebaShimmyShake

Also, perhaps I am old fashioned in this thinking, but I think mothers are the most important thing ever.

A woman doesn't stop being a mother because she works.

amen to this

Women not working being sahm is a post war affectation.its a recent phenomenon
Traditionally most women worked in industry, domestic services
And the affluent minority who didn’t work employed women as governess,in service,domestic

If the SAHP does not return to work that's not a SAHP problem, that's a relationship problem where one (the SAHP) doesn't respect the other enough to compromise and take their wants into account
I totally agree and that's my point, it is often not really a joint decision but you can't force someone to work if they've decided that they won't.

It’s a win win for the working parent
The whole point of this thread is mothers wanting to be sahm to spend more time with their children so that's what you lose out working ft. Its no win win, you actually give up quite a bit and what many women see as much more important than money.

I think the thrust of women's experiences of this choice is that you and your family and your daughter would all definitely gain from this in the short to medium term. Your daughter and likely your husband would also gain in the longer term (from your supporting role to their endeavours). However there is a risk - not inevitable - that in the longer term you could feel unfulfilled or undervalued, could belatedly realise your husband has gained earning potential while you have lost it, your husband has gained pension provision while you have not, and various other things you have mentioned. That is the deal, as older women have experienced it. It is just the stage you are at where men's and women's equality take opposite directions. That's all people are saying.
I say, go for it. But talk as a couple about his pension being your pension. His finances being yours (not just housekeeping and pocket money). Talk about reviewing what you want in one year, two years, five years. Talk about putting some money aside for career or retraining for you in the future. Talk about how you stay equal in childcare and housework despite sahm.

Also, perhaps I am old fashioned in this thinking, but I think mothers are the most important thing ever.

Does that mean there is a hierarchy of importance.

If mothers most important thing ever, are women who aren’t mothers unimportant?Or less important

@SentientAndCognisant

Women not working being sahm is a post war affectation.its a recent phenomenon Traditionally most women worked in industry, domestic services And the affluent minority who didn’t work employed women as governess,in service,domestic

I sort of agree, but I'm not sure it's right to say 'traditionally'.

For the last 100 years being a SAHM has been a thing.
For the 100 years before that women went out to work (the newly industrialised country needed them in factories).
For maybe 100 - 150 years before that women WFH in things like textile production.
For hundreds of years before than women were subsistence farmers and didn't 'have a job'.

Our role has been relatively fluid but it's only in the last 200 years that working necessitated being out of the home, hence childcare becomes an issue.

When we stop hearing things like 'after childcare costs it's not worth me working' because childcare costs are automatically considered joint expenses (and you get that alot on MN) - then we can say that society isn't impacting on women's choices
It is in most cases a joint expense as finances are shared. What they mean is that her working doesn't bring more in the pot.

The issue is that they only look at the present, not the fact that by staying in employment, they are much more likely to see their income being higher in a few years time then not working or coming back into it.

My DH would have happily stayed at home whilst I worked full time but I didn’t want to share my babies
So really he didn't have a choice, it was what you wanted and that's that! Mmmm not the basis of a healthy relationship but if he's happy regardless, good for you.

It's not forever, and those precious first years, with the play dates, meeting up with other mums for coffee and chats and picnics in the parks, are never replaceable.

I had 8 years out before I decided to return to work. Keep up to date with your qualifications, but just enjoy this precious time 😊

By choice I returned to work.i found playdates etc inane,tiresome & boring
Completely replaceable by work. Happy to do that

A lot of people misunderstanding me. My ‘mother’s are the most important’ was in relation to my husband offering to stay at home full time. I think children need their mother’s more.

I didn’t say working mother’s weren’t mothers either. Not sure where that came from.

Also I didn’t say being a mother is the hardest job. Quite frankly being at home with my children has been the most piss easy 5 years of my life. I’ve pottered about doing my own thing and had a wonderful time with my children whilst not juggling childcare, school runs and after school care. Not to mention holidays. It’s been a blast.

And I won’t apologise for those choices that I made.

It's not forever, and those precious first years, with the play dates, meeting up with other mums for coffee and chats and picnics in the parks, are never replaceable.

It doesn't have to be either or, I work & do these things weekly because I work pt & tto.

@ShebaShimmyShake

Also, perhaps I am old fashioned in this thinking, but I think mothers are the most important thing ever.

A woman doesn't stop being a mother because she works.

Thank you for this!

Sometimes I get so annoyed when I read the whole, "I couldn't/didn't want to leave my babies". I had to for financial reasons.

It doesn't make me any less of a mother but I felt that for a long time because of (largely) women who made me feel because I worked (and full time shock horror!) I wasn't quite the mother they were as they chose to/were able to work part time or stay at home

Few things annoy me. Turns out this is one of them