to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

I’m finding this thread fascinating. I am genuinely sad to hear that some women have regrets about giving up work & have been screwed over financially. For me I always knew I would want to go back to work & I was lucky about my employer being flexible in terms of part-time working. I have a lot of respect for stay at home parents now. I’ll admit before I had children I saw it as the easy option, now I feel the opposite. From reading these posts it does seem to leave you very exposed though. One question to ask OP, do you know any women who intend to be SAHP? I ask because where I live (London) I honestly don’t know any mums who don’t work. When my daughter had difficulty settling at nursery I did have moments of wondering if I should give up work (it seemed the easier option briefly) & then I realised how isolating it would be. Sure you meet other mums at groups but they would most likely be working part-time too. The only SAHP I know had their children when they were a lot younger & if I’m honest both have complained about losing their identity. Also I have noticed their husbands making comments about them having the easy option & spending their all time having coffee with friends. Obviously you need to do what’s right for you but I think there is a lot of excellent advice on here & it’s worth taking it seriously.

In the current context (pandemic, economic recession) I would say keep a foot in the door with a PT.

I have done the SAHP choice. My marriage is not toxic, we save for my pension in a SIPP. If you do go SAHP make sure you have a joint account/access to funds and an agreed amount transferred in a SIPP or other place for the pension you lose.

There will be immense shifts/pressures (and advantages) you don't anticipate on being a SAHP. And returning to work even with qualified is really, really hard. I manage to get interviews but invariably the lack of recent professional experience is thrown back at me. Also, as PP mentioned, the whole family now is built on me being available and OH not.

Good luck.

Is it really a joint decision to become a SAHP?

How can it be joint when one partner clearly benefits 100%. They can continue their career, their pension increases, they can work longer hours as they don’t need to do school pick ups, cover sickness etc, they have someone at home organising their life for them, they don’t need to worry about food shopping, cleaning etc.

It’s a win win for the working parent.

@Coffeeandbeans

Is it really a joint decision to become a SAHP?

How can it be joint when one partner clearly benefits 100%. They can continue their career, their pension increases, they can work longer hours as they don’t need to do school pick ups, cover sickness etc, they have someone at home organising their life for them, they don’t need to worry about food shopping, cleaning etc.

It’s a win win for the working parent.

It's no way near a win win for the working parent

That parent is then solely responsible for the families income. The pressure that causes is severe

They also then lose out on some of the families luxuries as most will live based on two salaries. Losing one means losing money for treats most often

When my kids were little most of the women I knew were SAHMs (wealthy area).
And fast forward 15 years and they’re all mostly still at home or doing a bit of light cottage industry shizzle.

Not a problem except they constantly tell my I’m LUCKY because I’ve got a bomb career.
Some how they think they could just pop back into the workforce without any trouble. Somehow they’ve forgotten that when my kids were little I worked (and not because I had to, DH had a ridiculously well paid job).

Sure, some people are happy to be the sole earner, but some aren't. I don't blame them, it's a huge responsibility. It needs to be a joint decision.

I agree with this & find it odd how the husbands often love their jobs & thrive in that environment, climbing the ladder etc but their wives hate working & don't have careers. I don't agree that men are better or prefer working vs women. My DH recently got a new job & is more stressed but I know he finds it helpful that I work as he's less chained to that role & salary.

if you’re good employers will want you how charmingly naive

it’s not that straightforward. You need to be good in an ocean of other also good or excellent candidate’s

You need to discuss your recent experience at an interview, if it’s not recent you need to demonstrably understand the current issues/themes in your job. If you’ve not worked you’ll need to address that

In your sahm absence there’s other people out their also seeking the same job,with current experience

Problem when a women stops work , became sahm, is the partner get used to it. His career is suddenly unencumbered eg no nursery pick up to dash back for, no drop off, no,leaving work because the child is sick. That’s you, All you, He ceases to have parenting interrupting his work. So he get used to that situation of family never impinge upon his work. Fast forward, say you want a job again. You are currently on an average salary so maybe likely to return to that (although research shows being out of the job market your salary will initially decrease in re-entry). Your dh has had an unencumbered work life, suddenly he’ll have to accommodate your work pattern, and participate again.

On a practical level when you’re working and it’s school holidays, who’ll watch the child? Or will you try get a job for in with school hours? Use childcare?

How can it be joint when one partner clearly benefits 100%.

It depends on your priorities and what you deem a benefit. It's not one size fits all.

We are both happy with the choice we made. I feel I got the better end of the deal by a country mile, but my DH feels he is better working. It's a team decision surely it's not about a winner.

It’s not solely team,you and him.its a decision made for you by thousands of years of societal norms,and societal expectation. Why do you think it’s overwhelmingly always the woman giving up work?
Financial
Social
Societal
Gender
All these factors impose upon women consciously and unconsciously.

You two didn’t make a decision in isolation. The decision was made for you by a patriarchal society

@Coffeeandbeans

Is it really a joint decision to become a SAHP?

How can it be joint when one partner clearly benefits 100%. They can continue their career, their pension increases, they can work longer hours as they don’t need to do school pick ups, cover sickness etc, they have someone at home organising their life for them, they don’t need to worry about food shopping, cleaning etc.

It’s a win win for the working parent.

I disagree entirely with this. It’s a huge pressure on one person to solely support a young family. They may work long hours, miss school plays etc. - all the things lots of women cite as their reasons for staying at home. And they may feel pressured to stay in a job they don’t like as there’s no flexibility to balance with a partner what needs to be earned.

As I’ve said previously my DH and I both work four days. He would hate working full time while I sent him pictures of being out and about with our kids. He adores them and loves spending time with them. When we had our first and I was still on mat leave he found it quite hard when it started to become apparent that I was learning things about how best to care for our baby that he didn’t know (he’s been v hands on from day one).

Don’t assume that all men are desperate to be out climbing the career ladder for 14 hours a day and having as little to do with their families as possible while accruing a pension mountain. My DH (and I also) earns comfortably but has stayed in a job he doesn’t love because it enables him to work four days a week and be an active parent. I know he wouldn’t want to work full time while I gave up work. And it’s the last thing I’d want too, which is lucky!

@SentientAndCognisant

It’s not solely team,you and him.its a decision made for you by thousands of years of societal norms,and societal expectation. Why do you think it’s overwhelmingly always the woman giving up work? Financial Social Societal Gender All these factors impose upon women consciously and unconsciously.

You two didn’t make a decision in isolation. The decision was made for you by a patriarchal society

Sorry but that pathetic. I’m fed up of seeing women on these threads bleating that society made choices for them. There may be pressures and expectations to push back on, sure, but it’s insulting to women to say we’re not responsible for our own choices.

I was a SAHM for 2.5 years. I loved it initially as I had latterly hated my job. Met some new friends on mat leave but then they all went back to work and I had to start all over again. I enjoyed the time I spent with DS but DH worked away at times and it was often stressful. I went back to work last year into a slightly different field and I really enjoy it. DS loves nursery and we're pretty happy. I'm glad I was a SAHM for a while but 2.5 years was long enough without a bit of a break.

I agree @GeorginaTheGiant why don't more fathers care about pick ups, assemblies, etc?

Pathetic you say? My my I have touched a nerve. That’s piqued your interest
All decisions are collective and individual, esp decision about employment and childcare
We live in a society and are subject to the legislation and machinations of society and yes that includes societal norms, approval/disapproval

Individual decisions have collective impact

I’m fed up of seeing women on these threads bleating that society made choices for them. There may be pressures and expectations to push back on, sure, but it’s insulting to women to say we’re not responsible for our own choices.

I have to agree with this.

It's not that women aren't responsible for their choices but it's naive to imagine the choices are made in a vacuum.

Do you think choices occur in a vacuum,no other external influence?
Seeing it’s exam result season Think about career choices
Why are there so few female engineers?
Why are there so few male primary teachers?
Why are there so many women in childcare?
Why is there a drive to increase female participation in STEM subjects?because women are under represented and it’s not traditionally women career choices. Yes individual women have gone against the grain and chosen this,but they’re the minority

@SentientAndCognisant

Pathetic you say? My my I have touched a nerve. That’s piqued your interest All decisions are collective and individual, esp decision about employment and childcare We live in a society and are subject to the legislation and machinations of society and yes that includes societal norms, approval/disapproval

Individual decisions have collective impact

It seems like you’re trying hard to write in an overly wordy and uppity way while actually making no proper point at all.

I am responsible for my own choices. I believe other women are responsible for theirs. Some have a lot more stacked against them than others (supportive/not-supportive partner etc) but ultimately, barring full on abusive situations, we have control over our own lives.

Why is it so often women who give up work/go part time you ask? Well in my experience it’s because they want to more than men. Almost every woman I know has gone part time because they want more time with their children and don’t want them in full time childcare whereas I know very few men who have done the same. Then these boards are full of women complaining that they gave up to support DH’s career’ etc. as if they had no say in the matter. Very few admit that at the time they took the preferable option of staying at home in a financially comfortable family unit with no thought for what it meant for their future. Because it’s easier to blame ‘society’.

I just think we need to own our decisions and actions and yes, I do find it insulting to have it insinuated that the patriarchy is in control of my life. It literally never occurred to me to give up my career to have children and I wouldn’t have had them with a man who expected me to. If he had deceived me and then done an about turn when children arrived, refusing to do his bit, I would have left. Those there are choices that I have made. Other women say they have been a SAHM and yes they were financially worse off but they don’t regret it because they did it with their eyes open and loved those years. Also choices, empowered ones. I respect that. There are huge strides to be made for equality still but sometimes reading on here I can’t help thinking that women really don’t help ourselves sometimes.

I’m not naive enough to think that some women have it stacked against them and a supportive partner makes all the difference but I think a big part of the solution is having the conversations about exactly what life will look like, before getting pregnant. I read some brilliant advice on here once where a poster said her DH was trying to convince her to have a baby and she was told to ask him ‘how do you see your professional life changing if we had a baby’. I think if every woman asked her partner that and gauged his immediate reaction it would be quite telling. A lot would be surprised to even be asked and that is when you ensure you’re on some pretty reliable contraception.

Anyway I’m rambling. I just don’t like being told I have no control over my life.

I just don’t like being told I have no control over my life.

It's okay, none of us do really.

@SentientAndCognisant

Do you think choices occur in a vacuum,no other external influence? Seeing it’s exam result season Think about career choices Why are there so few female engineers? Why are there so few male primary teachers? Why are there so many women in childcare? Why is there a drive to increase female participation in STEM subjects?because women are under represented and it’s not traditionally women career choices. Yes individual women have gone against the grain and chosen this,but they’re the minority

I fully agree with this, decisions are definitely not made in a vacuum and we have a long way to go. But I don’t believe in making excuses either. I think different career paths is a different issue with different solutions to whether women have a career at all, but it’s all stuff that needs thinking about and addressing more.

In the meantime, I will continue to object to women sleepwalking into situations by taking choices that worked for them at the time and then taking no responsibility for those choices when they regret them down the line.

overly wordy and uppity way what a delightfully obnoxious putdown
Thanks😀

I just don’t like being told I have no control over my life
No one likes it.
It’s that penny drop moment when you think about society and gender politics and the impositions upon women

@SentientAndCognisant I apologise, I try not to be rude in my posts on here and I was a bit there. I said that because your post annoyed me, it came across as trying to talk down to me but I shouldn’t have reacted rudely in turn.

No worries, it’s an emotive and at times uncomfortable subject.

@SentientAndCognisant

I just don’t like being told I have no control over my life No one likes it. It’s that penny drop moment when you think about society and gender politics and the impositions upon women

It’s not that I don’t like hearing it because it’s an uncomfortable truth, it’s because I genuinely don’t believe it’s true. I think women have a lot more hard choices to make than men sometimes, but we still get to make them.