to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

@Wallywobbles

All those saying be a SAHM what's happened with your pensions. Not a goady question, genuinely curious.

I haven't got one. That's what happened to mine. I can't share XH's either, for various complicated reasons to do with our 'clean break' divorce.

OP, FWIW (which isn't much), I remember writing several very smug posts on MN about 16 years ago about how being a SAHM was very much better than having a job. At that time, there was very much a divide between SAHMs and working mothers. I think things are perhaps less polarised now, which is a good thing.

I don't know what I would do if I could rewind my life. I think I would probably suck it up and try to work p/t while they were little, though that would have meant them going to nursery (which I didn't want) as we had no family willing to help with childcare. As I say: no right answer.

@GeorginaTheGiant

One thing to consider is that if you decide you want to go back to work in a couple of years, your husband will have got totally used to you being responsible for all things child and most home-related things too. For you to go back to work (and keep the job!) will require him to do an about turn and start picking up half of all sickness days, nursery runs etc. Do you feel confident he will do that, even if your job is v low paying and just a foot back into the workplace? I think a lot of people plan for a short time out but the reality of going back is not what they expected. If your DH earns, say £60k, is he going to take on half of all those responsibilities for you to do a £20k job? Because that’s what you will need from him in order to get back into a career. I don’t think many men would do that after getting used to having someone else doing all the domestics, which is why so many women find themselves unable to get back into work.

Excellent post! This is what I observed with so many of my friends. The DH can take that promotion with longer hours, working away and suddenly its not so easy to go back. Then it becomes after school club/ wrap around / holiday club and the DC wont like it so the job hunt is school hours/ term time only and pffft good luck with that ! Im on the other side and retired 2 years ago at 55 (NHS) cracking pension and I have a PT job that I love. Im surrounded by women who gave up and are facing working util their late 60s and are very bitter. Many are divorced and feel shafted and wish they hadnt done it while their exH are unaffected.

I went back part time when dd was 14months and am now 4 days a week (dd is 2).

I'd be very wary about quitting my job now with the pandemic and a 2021/22 recession likely.

I breastfed and co-slept until 2.5 so didn't feel like I was missing out on two much time with her (she napped for 2 hours a day so was only physically away from her about 6 of her waking hours x3 days a week). And I really relished having time to be me, wee in peace, have adult conversation, read a book on my commute etc. It was really good for my mental health.

I had a high flying career, company car etc and initially went back to work after both DC. But due to my poor health - from which I have now recovered - I took 5 unplanned years off work to look after them. During that time I could feel the power shifting in the marriage, my dh paid most of the bills, but I still had some, which drained my savings. He is always buying new clothes, but I focus on getting the kids things and rarely got myself nice things. My social life is fine, because I seem to live in an area with lots of SAHPs! Thankfully I'm about to restart work, which my kids are pleased about (the youngest starts secondary school in September) and looking forward to equal psychological footing and my own money!!

Just to add my kids always say how proud they are of me working ( and their Dad) - they say I’ve set them a great example and still been there for them. It’s good for children to see women can and do have successful careers outside the family.

There are very few part time positions available. You have a much better chance of getting your existing employer to reduce your hours than finding and securing an existing part time role.

I suppose it depends on so many factors. For us it worked easily, but that’s because I had always planned for it. I worked very PT after DC1 for 2 years. After DC2 I didn’t go back for 4 years until they started school full time. Before I had my children I always knew there was no way in hell anyone was having my babies but me so I’d always planned to be off longer term.

Most importantly for me I had 15k savings in my own bank account so always knew that I could walk away if I needed to.

My husband is a high earner so we knew we could live comfortably on one wage.

I’m a teacher so, bar moving on to management positions, I knew I would walk back in to the same job/wage I left as I was already at the top of my pay bracket.

I continued to claim CB so I had no gap in my employment history for pension. We just filled in a tax return and paid it back.

It’s these things that made me fee confident that I could not work. At no point did I feel financially dependent because I had a good buffer of my own money for presents etc. My DH understood the savings in childcare and the ease for him by me being off when DC were little so never felt like he was ‘paying for me.’ He always made it very clear that we were just spending money we would have spent on childcare. He also has always called it ‘out’ family money. Not ‘his’ wages.

That’s a lot of factors to make me happy being a SAHM. Once smallest was in full time school I worked 2 days a week. Works for us.

I just find it totally bizarre that women feel like they should work in order to keep their husbands interested in them and prevent infidelity
Only one poster mentioned this yet all your focus has been on it ignoring the more important comments about pension.

So it finally comes down to the fact that you don't like your job and don't want to go back to it. Very common (although many sahm will later claim they did it to support their husbands career...).

Of course you shouldn't assume you'll seperate, it's very sad to consider the future that way, many remain very happily married and being a sahm works for both.

What posters are saying is that if it were to go wrong the consequences can be very tough. My best friend who got pregnant at the same time than I hated her job and couldn't wait to get pregnant to give it up and sahm. 18 years later and she is miserable. Her youngest has left no more maintenance and tax credits, she has to sell the house but not earning enough to buy anything else. She is renting, having to use the equity to pay the rent, in a dead end job that she hates with the prospect of another 18 years in similar roles.

She met someone and had hoped they'd settle together, but after 10 years together, he still hadn't asked her to marry him despite promises and then cheated and left her.

If you want to be a sahm, go for it and in all likelihood, you'll have an amazing life and it will be the right choice for you, but do so with the acknowledgment of what could happen and that could be a much more difficult life than if you continued to work.

Oh the wonderful discussion on MN about SAHP and working parents.

Firstly @allthemteeth it is entirely up to you which posts you respond you and in what manner you do so,don't let anyone try and tell you how to conduct yourself on here, that's just weird.

I'm a SAHP and I love it. I have working friends who love it. They acknowledge they obviously don't get to do the same things and spend the time with their children that I do with mine, but I acknowledge they feel it gives them security.

If your DH finds you boring because you are a SAHP you are obviously not compatible. And he must be strangely interested in your work, if once that has gone, you don't have a conversation any longer. Does that mean if you got ill, he would leave you, not a great catch.

For all these men apparently moaning about their stay at home wives, there are ones moaning about their wives too busy with work and kids to spend any time with them, but it's not about that or them, it's about wether you feel you and your family will benefit from having a parent at home for a few years.

If the answer is yes and you want to do it, do it.

I never wanted to be dashing to finish work to get to collect the kids or up early dashing to drop them off and make it to work,nor did I want other people spending more time with my little one through the week than me, I wanted to be there.

My choice and I weighed up what I would regret more, missing those years I could never get back or missing out on 4/5 years of employment and pension contributions. I knew I would regret missing out on them years above everything.
You can still pay into a pension, it's not like you have to be employed to pay into a pension, you just miss a few years of an employers contributions.

You can educate yourself while a SAHP, you can still keep your social life, you can still have an adult conversation and believe it or not, you can still be exactly the same person, just not working a job. If you or your DH only place your value or worth on the salary you bring in, that sad times for all involved.

Mine is a toddler now and he is hilarious and brilliant, it can be tough on the some days if he is having an off day, but I'm glad I'm there to help teach him how to behave through it. So it can be tiring.

There are obviously risks you take, you will not be able to jump back into your profession at the same level (well 99% of the time you can't ), you most likely will have to start again in a lower role, or like me you may choose a completely different direction for your career. You also have to factor in the job market dying and an influx of applications for roles as it will be a lot tougher to get back into work due to this mismanaged pandemic.

But as you say you have access to joint finances and you are married so mitigate some of the risk, but obviously, there is always a risk. As long as it's an informed decision, either way, do you ! Enjoy your choice.

I'm a fully qualified professional.

I was in exactly your position and I decided to give up my work to be a SAHM to two challenging children (SEN). I trusted my husband to support me and our children.

I will always regret my choice.

I find myself without professional registration in a sea of younger professionals who are job hunting for the limited positions.

My pension was badly affected.
My security plummeted 10
years later when I divorced.

With magical hindsight......I'd have kept working minimum hours, even for no income after childcare. I would be in a much better position now.

At the time, holding my 5 month baby was more important. But the balance of working and mothering is more important in the long run.

Your part time salary may only just cover nursery costs but that is only ( comparatively) for a short time. Your salary has hidden benefits such as NC contributions and pension contributions. These matter a lot when you get older. Plus, your salary will rise and you will be in the loop for other jobs etc. At the moment your baby is quite easy - I know it doesnfeel like it but compared to the on coming maelstrom of a toddler it is easy. Do not underestimate the sheer unremitting drugery of motherhood and household maintenance. It's the hardest job in the world and carries no money and leaves you very vulnerable and often lonely. Hats off to stay at home parents - you are amazing.

I think you'd miss being a 'something'. We still live ina patriachy - it's better than it was but the majority of work places are male dominated. You will lose out significantly by going part time ( and be careful not to work full time for part time money), training opportunities and promotions will pass you by but it is still better than being out of the loop completely and reliant on other people for your keep.

@flapdoodlery can I ask what you mean when you say you continued to pay CB so you had no gap? I'm a teacher too and pregnant with dc2. I hadn't my notice in at the beginning of the year and don't intend to go back until this one is older

your child will develop much faster with you than at nursery

Possible, but in general considered less likely. This is the reason for government funded nursery hours from age 3 - early years education - because children who HADN'T been to nursery were observed to be less advanced overall upon starting school than those who had. Even more pronounced in low income families hence age 2 for those children.

I’m early fifties I look back on my long term friends and the decisions we made and how our relationships worked out. Kids, divorces, long marriages, health issues so many permutations as to what the outcomes were and still those outcomes change, Two of my friends divorced but were ok because they had always worked and got back on their feet with no issue. Plus they had one and two dc so a little more manageable. A couple of friends have ended up with cocklodgers, one will be breaking up with her partner, he doesn’t know it yet. She is convinced he will not want any of her money, she bought their house entirely, I think that’s unlikely. I’m waiting for the fall out, I did recommend at the time not marrying but she is a sentimental romantic. The other is happy with her controlling knob of a husband and pays for everything, even my DH doesn’t like him and he likes everyone usually.

I would never recommend anyone becomes a SAHP. I became seriously ill in my late forties and stopped working. But I paid in to a pension scheme for 30 years so whatever happens I have that. It’s sad, I feel bad writing negative stuff, I do have some friends who are in long happy marriages of 20 years plus but whose to say whose works out.

Good luck with whatever decision you make.

I find many women are totally clueless about pensions. They let it go at the point of becoming a SAHM, whereas their husband’s keep contributing. The stats on pension poverty for women are grim.

So that should be a condition of staying at home I think. Pension contributions covered for the SAHM out of the family pot during the period.

My honest opinion is that everyone feels like this coming to the end of maternity. Go back part time as being out fo work for a long time is a bad idea for your personal happiness and growth. It will potentially make things complicated between you and your husband as well as you will have less to talk about and less independence. It's good for your DD to do a few days at nursery hoe stay she will really benefit from it and honestly as she becomes a toddler you will welcome the help and support of nursery staff as it is much harder to keep toddlers entertained than babies and I think you would be making a mistake to give up work completely.

it's about wether you feel you and your family will benefit from having a parent at home for a few years
I agree with this although my experience talking with make coworkers is that it is rarely their choice and although most are ok with it until the youngest start nursery, they start to resent it afterwards. The problem is their wives loved it, look forward to having more time for themselves and totally dread the idea of going back to a job they hated before, so they don't, avoid the subject and resentment builds up in the relationship that used to be perfect.

Some men genuinely want their wives to be sahm for as long as they want, but my experience is that this is when he earns so well, her potential income doesn't really matter and the house is well looked after as are the kids. Its a different matter when the finances are tight and he has to do without things he aspires to because the wife doesn't want to work even when the kids are at nursery/school ft.

I think the key point here is that you really don’t like your job. I have worked full time, always, and am more in the camp of working to maintain your independence. But, if you don’t want to leave your daughter and you really dislike your current job, I would probably leave but look to getting a different, more enjoyable part time job pretty much straight away. That way you get the best of both worlds.

I agree with this although my experience talking with make coworkers is that it is rarely their choice and although most are ok with it until the youngest start nursery, they start to resent it The problem is their wives loved it, look forward to having more time for themselves and totally dread the idea of going back to a job they hated before, so they don't, avoid the subject and resentment builds up in the relationship that used to be perfect.

It wasn't a perfect relationship to begin with if the "working" parent had no choice on wether the other would be a SAHP.

If the SAHP does not return to work that's not a SAHP problem, that's a relationship problem where one (the SAHP) doesn't respect the other enough to compromise and take their wants into account.

Some men genuinely want their wives to be sahm for as long as they want,

But it's not about what a man wants, it a joint decision to become a SAHP. If both parents want to work they can, if one wants to stay at home and the other is OK to carry on working then do that.

When I started my business dh was on the phone to cleaners and gardeners his view was it’s now 50 / 50 as I was earning again he can’t do his half as works long hours so he paid people to do his half in the week.

So he was too lazy to do his 'half', so paid out of the wage he had your support in achieving but just for his share so you still had to do half? Wow what an honourable gent.

If you’re good employers will want you.

depends upon the profession I think & in the nicest possible way how "good" is the OP if she currently doesn't earn enough to cover childcare? I think it's a tad naive to think if she's at this level pre dc she will walk back into the same level but p/t & or flexi hours.

I had 10 years at home with my two and there are pros and cons.

I loved being at home with the kids, and I genuinely don’t have any regrets. I loved spending time with them and days out at the drop of a hat. I loved being there to drop and pick them up from school every day. I really enjoyed (and still enjoy) spending time with them. It’s not a chore for me and I certainly don’t think it makes me boring to my husband! Fortunately he adores them just as much as I do.

Being at home for such a long period did mean that I couldn’t return to my previous role and had to retrain in a completely different field. I love my new job, but it was very difficult to get. The first thing any interviewer will ask is why such a long period out of the workforce, and sahm has no value in the workplace at all. That’s if you even get an interview.

I eventually got my current job with the help of a recommendation from a friend, but still feel the need to work twice as hard as anyone else to prove that I deserve my place there. My probationary period was long and I only fully relaxed when I had been there two years but I still work over and above because I genuinely love it. I also was advised by my employer to be vague with colleagues about my previous employment history to avoid judgement. Obviously being a sahm is something to be embarrassed about.

The dynamic at home was also difficult to change. Because I had been home all the time I had naturally assumed most of the household responsibilities. Dh and the kids seemed to think that this wouldn’t change now that I was working full time. I couldn’t keep up with everything that I was expected to do and remember and it did cause strain. I snapped eventually and said if I was acting like a single parent I may as well bloody be one. We now outsource as much as possible including ironing, cleaning, dog walking (when in the office) and gardening. Dh has a new found appreciation of all the things I used to do now that we have to pay for them!!

Op, only you know your relationship. I know my dh and while he can be thoughtless sometimes, he is a decent man who loves the kids as much as I do and would never see us destitute in the event of any split. While I know there are some horror stories on here, if I felt I couldn’t trust my dh to the extent that I do, I wouldn’t be married to him. Not every man is a shit that will drop his kids as soon as his head is turned.

@MsTSwift as a poster said upthread women are now better educated & earn more & the majority remain in employment after dc. Why do you think that is?

Just be aware, OP, that its a million times easier to negotiate part time hours from a job you already have than land a decent part time job after being out for a bit.

The economic climate of the next few years is going to be really challenging. Who knows what you'd be going back to. But if the goal is part time working while your children are small, then for many reasons, it's best to establish this as early as possible using the base that you have.