to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Hi OP. I think that Many people feel the same as you do during their ma t leave. With my first I had no choice financially but to return and it made me il l. But looking back I allowed the guilt to eat away at me and never really let go and accepted the decision we made as being the right one financially at the time. our daughter absolutely loved nursery and got a lot out of it developmentally, I just always felt like I should be doing all those things. With our second we were way more financially comfortable, so we decided I would not go back after and would get our littlest to school and our eldest settled there. Timing was ideal as I too was a bit bored and ready for a change at work. I ended up taking two years and my husband took a two year career break, our youngest starts school in schools of weeks. He's now set up his own business to flex around our girls scjool, and I WFH 3 says let week. It's worked w ell for us, and it's been exactly the right thing for our g irls. The absolute key though is that you and your DH really need to hold hands on your decisions, and work as a team. If you value things like having large savings, that's unrealistic whilst only one of you is working. But if you're both aligned on your reasons for doing it then it works really well. I should also say that I returned to the workplace with no impact on my earnings before I took my break. It's about roles available at the time, and starting to look giving yourself plenty of tim e. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Don’t assume you will walk back into same job / same salary. I am now 45 and competing with 10 year experienced 32 year olds for same roles. Ten years ago I could not have imagined the current competition existing in my area of work

I totally agree. I’m 49. About 5 years ago I realised that the “youngsters” now actually had 10 + decent years experience and could replace me very easily.

You really do never know what’s around the corner. Illness (DDad was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in his 40s had to give up work within a year; best friends’ DH was diagnosed with MS at a similar age, colleague was brain injured in a road accident which wasn’t his fault); a business collapses; economic recession (a very real possibility); divorce (happens, even to the most solid of relationships); relocations a so many reasons why two incomes cN provide stability and peace of mind.

I’m nearly 50, the DC are 9 and 12; 2 incomes so far has helped us weather semi-long term illness and redundancy. Either of us could have given up work and we could have got by on one salary, yes, nursery fees are often the equivalent of one salary, but you need to look at the long term - you are ensuring your future earning capacity/employability , your pension, your NI Contributions.

@Wallywobbles

All those saying be a SAHM what's happened with your pensions. Not a goady question, genuinely curious.

My friend is a SAHM (nearly 9 years) luckily her DH is a high earner because he feels a LOT of pressure to ensure his pension is enough to support them both.

I think everyone's situation is different. My mum was a sahm and she and my dad have always had a strong marriage (until he passed away). Her years spent with us has meant that me and my brother are very close to her.

I'm working two professional part-time jobs so that I can keep my foot in the door but also spend more time with my toddler child. My DH also earns well and is happy to support me whichever way I choose but I'd worry about being de-skilled and would also miss the 'adult' conversations at work.

My two best friends are sahms and their experiences have been different. So there isn't a one size fits all.

I think because you do never know what's round the corner Ii make decisions based on now. I'd be a nervous wreck bringing about what ifs. Personalise though and I guess my views do come with risk, but that's my choice. I'm now back at work and haven't suffered any detriment.
Regarding the pension qyestion, I already had a generous pot a t the time I took a break.

I’ve interviewed too many women who gave up varied and interesting work to stay at home and can’t even get back in on part time entry level jobs to think giving up work is a good idea. And now my children are at school, we have a financial security which means the mortgage will be paid off shortly and we can afford holidays, home improvement and afterschool clubs.

It’s not that work necessarily keeps you interesting for a husband, it’s more that it stops you being taken for granted as the muggins that deals with all the house nonsense. And if playgroups and toddler rhyme time is so fabulous, how come I don’t see swathes of men queueing to do it?

Don’t make any decisions until you’ve been back at work 6 months. It’s not about when your children are babies. It’s about when they are teenagers and you’re a pensioner that you’ll really know that you’ve made the right decision.

My husband and I have always pooled our money and shared everything equally. He would have supported me if I'd decided to be a stay at home mother but I wouldn't have wanted to have been reliant on him. We're now coming to the point where our youngest is starting school and I'm glad I'm working.

it’s about when they are teenagers and you’re a pensioner that you’ll really know that you’ve made the right decision.

This

I remember feeling very similar around the seven month mark - like, how could I leave my lovely baby!? I guess that's the point when they start communicating with you and you feel like you're starting to build a relationship. How could you give that up!?

However, by the one year mark, I was ready to go back to work - I felt lonely, and missed the mental challenge of my job and my colleagues. Also the personal freedom of a commute and lunchbreak!!!

I wouldn't decide NOW. See how you feel in a few months....

I left my job to be a SAHM and didn't regret it for a second, it's been so lovely to be there with them and not worry about childcare or missing assemblies, etc. But we could easily afford it - I'm not sure I would have been quite as content if we were struggling financially.

We do also have to think about the working partners. Sure, some people are happy to be the sole earner, but some aren't. I don't blame them, it's a huge responsibility. It needs to be a joint decision.

I couldn't have done it is it is just not in me to be dependent on anyone else financially even my DH of 30 years!
Also like to set a good example to my DC
And I enjoy working
And sadly have seen a few friends left high and dry in n their 40s when 'DH' goes off with his secretary
Fortunately I didn't consider I was missing my DC 's development

I think it’s a really valuable thing to do but I wish when I’d done it I’d done half a day or a day a week in my profession just to keep something on my CV. It can be hard getting back after a break.

@ShebaShimmyShake

We do also have to think about the working partners. Sure, some people are happy to be the sole earner, but some aren't. I don't blame them, it's a huge responsibility. It needs to be a joint decision.

I have seen men who seemingly believed in equality of the sexes turn into 1950s Don Draper types within a year of their formerly professional wife becoming a SAHM.

I really believe it works best for couples where there was an existing power/financial imbalance in favor of the man. Couples who were peers at uni or in the workplace...the wife becomes resentful and the husband starts finding female colleagues more attractive.

@Emeeno1

Accusing someone of ignoring the negative posts and stating that 'you need to listen' is controlling behaviour.

You cannot extrapolate your experience as a universal which must be taken in to account by all.

This is an utterly ridiculous comment. Accusing posters of ‘controlling behaviour‘ because they’re pointing out that the OP hasn’t even acknowledged the validity of alternate viewpoints than her own, FFS

The OP came on asking for advice which she has received from a variety of posters with varying personal experiences. She has repeatedly snorted in derision at the mere suggestion that she may want to consider things like future divorce. She clearly only wants to hear about all the marvellous things about being a SAHP and is sticking her fingers in her ears about anything else. Is that controlling behaviour too?

You really need to understand the impact on your pension. We will all be working longer in the future and there is a real possibility that state pensions and public sector pensions will change. If you were to divorce (I know we all think that isn’t going to happen to US) you will get some of Hs pension (if he has one) and only for the period of time that you were married.

In my career (not senior management level - finance)we do not recruit 50 year olds. We do not need to - we can pick and choose 30 year olds with excellent IT skills and 10 years experience and they are cheaper. Returning part time mums unfortunately are recruited into the lower paid admin roles - and yes we then have highly efficient organised over qualified staff in the lower roles but that suits us and the returning parent, Ive only kept my job at my level and age because I didn’t leave. I’ve worked 25 hrs when kids were babies, then 30 when they went to school and now I’m really lucky to work term times only. But that is because I stayed.

Nursery fees are really only for a few years.

I did it. I don’t recommend it.

My DC is 7 and I’ve become unemployable and completely dependent on my DH.

Also the isolation and brain numbingness caused a lot of depression.

I’d recommend part time if possible but increasing to full time when your ready....

If it works for you and your family then do it but do it with open eyes. If you’re planning more children, could you return after this child to get the mat pay and then review? They would give you the chance to test working but also a chance to see if you do actually like being at home with two children before making a decision either way. I personally love being with one child at a time but found it tough having both during lockdown (while I was still on mat leave).

I’ve thought about being a sahm a few times but for me, the long/term financial security of working is more important. I have though been able to return part-time and it is a different decision doing full time or nothing. I’d also say, I’ve seen a big shift in my eldest as she’s approached school age. While she of course needs me, she likes spending time with her friends, likes activities and sports (that cost money) and is already pretty independent. I imagine that only intensifies as children grow older and their world grows bigger while yours potentially gets smaller.

I have got to add - I am retraining and working my ass off to get a full time job ASAP (even during the pandemic)...

I won’t give up on my career. Ever!

I always worked part time. And then full time as my youngest approached secondary. They are all nearly teens.

I would never recommend stopping working. You make yourself economically vulnerable, you don’t know how your relationship will pan out, you are losing years from your pension. Kids grow up, they become more independent after 5 in general and by teens will be separating off from you (as well as being very costly at that stage in their lives!).

‘we could afford it’, ‘we had the opportunity’, ‘we decided’. This isn’t a ‘we’ issue IMO - the key risks (bar custody) are for the SAHM personally. Even with financial mitigation measures taken such as those described by PPs those risks are huge.

A PP mentioned a man taking his earnings and pension seriously, in order to support both himself and his wife, a SAHM. Am sure he’s doing this in good faith, but in the event of divorce he’d have his earning capability and his wife could seek a share of his pension and may or may not get it. He could pay into a pension for HER.

@GeorginaTheGiant I agree it was a completely ridiculous comment. I would be impressed if I could control a stranger on the Internet 😂 I wouldn’t change my post - I really want to emphasize that I was the OP 11 years ago and regret the decision every day. I also tried to offer solutions for the OP that I wish I had taken which would have put me in a much better position at 46.

I became a sahp after my first dd because I couldn’t leave her, it wasn’t the plan as I hadn’t been with her Dad long and we had financial issues but my wages didn’t cover the childcare anyway
I ended up having a few kids close together and also studying part time so when we were ready I went back to work in a completely different area.
It was definitely the best decision for us but after 5 years I was more than ready to go back to work. I hope it works out for you too

I know too many women who’ve struggled to get back into successful work, despite being qualified. I found it better to go back and negotiate part-time/flexible arrangements from a position of strength. A few ex colleagues who stayed at home until their children went to school now really struggle because they couldn’t get back into work with any flexibility so are constrained by fixed hours and fixed term contracts.

I would stay with your baby. By doing this you are contributing to the "pot", as this job is normally outsourced. Do not feel guilty. We are all different. Many parents choose to work, and many are forced to. They should not feel guilty either. We all do what is right/we need to for our families.
You say you have professional qualifications, so you could therefore review the situation at any time.
Enjoy your child.