to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Personally I would never want to rely on a man for money. Ever.

I honestly couldn’t do it. The thought of being reliant on another human for my future terrifies me. DP and I have been together 12 years and are very happy, but I still wouldn’t risk it. It’s not just about relationship breakdown; it’s about spousal redundancy or serious illness or death.

If you do it, make sure you put a decent portion of your maternity pay into an account for yourself, and think carefully about how your pension will be affected.

@thepeopleversuswork

Don't stop work totally. It's too insecure. Think of the long haul.

It's scary leaving a small baby to go back to work: I felt awful when I went back when my DD was 9 months. Its absolutely natural to feel that way but that doesn't mean leaving work is the right thing to do. You've got to power through it. I split up with my ex when DD was four. If I'd stopped work I would have been fucked.

Your relationship might be great now and hopefully will remain great but half of marriages fail. Marriages become much tougher with small kids. I really hope that won't happen to you but you need to hope for the best and plan for the worst and protect yoursef. If going back FT is too much, have you considered going PT?

Just whatever you do don't leave yourself and your child totally dependent on a man financially. It's just not worth the risk.

This.

I felt exactly the same with my first but having gone back I completely agree with this statement.

Our lives are essentially out of our own control , things happen, we cannot make every decision based on what might happen in the future.

Deal with what is happening now. You have a good marriage, you have a new life to raise, you are inclined towards nurturing that child yourself and you have the circumstances to be able to do that. Wonderful!

@MsTSwift

I get what you are saying but surely that depends on the profession. Many of my friends are consultants/pre-consultant level surgeons in the the NHS who have had children and all work. You simply cannot take years out as you will lose your hands on skills.

Many people I know cannot operate as well after two weeks! Let alone two years as what is needed is fine motor skills. As a result I don’t know any who completely leave work for children except mat leave which is often shortened to 6 months.

So not all older educated professional women who are highly skilled can just take time out.

Sorry I meant are “rusty” operating after time out

I gave up a career to be a SAHM and it was the decision I regret most in my life.

I had a great partner who was fully supportive of it and no financial concerns.

We’d been together 11 years when I stopped working but 6 years later got bored of his wife and family and cheated on me & we’re now in the process of getting divorced. And I’m in a job I had to take because I had no other options.

I feel you’ve made up your mind and are ignoring the negative posts because you can’t imagine being in positions like mine but neither could I otherwise I wouldn’t have given up my career. But there are so many women sharing similar stories on here that you need to listen.

You would be better to actually ask your employers about part time working & if they won’t honour it then find a company who will. Any small amount of work even 1 day a week will help in the long run.

I live in France where maternity leave is 13 weeks. In 25 years I've only met 2 people who taken longer leaves. Most work places here are pretty family friendly.

I would never ever advise anyone to be a SAHM. Part time fine, but quitting the workplace on a permanent basis is very short sighted.

Op do you plan to have more children?

I loved maternity leave with dc1 and was heartbroken to return to work 4 days per week after a year off.

Then I had dc2 and found maternity leave much harder and realized I was not cut out for being a sahm. I still feel guilty that I don’t fit that profile but our current set up suits me much better, which in turn is better for the dc.

Think about the long term.

Accusing someone of ignoring the negative posts and stating that 'you need to listen' is controlling behaviour.

You cannot extrapolate your experience as a universal which must be taken in to account by all.

@Wallywobbles I’m abroad too and sahms are few and far between. It doesn’t seem to be a thing here to give up work. I definitely felt this sahm/wohm conflict way more in the uk, though I think it also depends on the area.

Well that’s why it’s ridiculous to give “advice” in these situations. Obviously if you are a surgeon that doesn’t apply and you would know that and factor it into your decision 🙄.

If you really want it, become a SAHP. But please, do it with the knowledge that getting a position like the one you currently have will be almost impossible when you decide to go back. Every year out of the office/workshop/wherever you work means a loss in salary as you loose qualifications. After 3-4 years, you are at the same level as somebody fresh from Uni, only they are more up to date and likely more flexible.
It that is ok with you - do it. If not - don’t.

All those saying be a SAHM what's happened with your pensions. Not a goady question, genuinely curious.

I see one PP says children with SAHMs develop faster than those at nursery. My personal experience is the opposite.

@MsTSwift

Yes I’m saying that not all educated professional women can take time out of work. It doesn’t necessarily apply to surgeons just anyone with a skill set. You are also typically patronising.

I am trying to counterbalance the “you are doomed forever if you take a few years out” view that many (rather gleefully I am afraid) peddle on here 🙄

I am sure most professional women are quite capable of assessing their worth and future employability in their field.

How am I patronising? Weird comment.

@MsTSwift I'm not in the "doomed forever" camp but I think sometimes people think "that will never happen to me" when it comes to things like divorce. It's just a good idea to plan for all scenarios and if being a SAHP means becoming dependent on a man for money I wouldn't advise it.

I for one am grateful to think I'm not forever doomed. I hope that after 3.5 years out I can find something reasonable, am prepared to start lower but do have evidence of impressive and consistent professional achievements that I hope an employer will see means I am at least worth a shot! I wasn't happy in previous role despite successes so wanted a change in any event

My advice very strongly would be from someone who has done it don't.

1. Loss of independence
2. Change of identity
3. Power imbalance. I could go on. You never know what the future will hold and the risk outweighs the benefits to the children.

But I'm definitely not in the"won't happen to me" camp - in fact I'm terrified!

But for all sorts of reasons do feel it was best for us all that I didn't at the time

Well I am a “fortune favours the brave” type and live my life as I want and yes that involves some carefully considered risk. But if you are careful in your choices the risk can pay off and you win and get it all. I could have “never relied on a man for money” and been super careful and flogged away at my very demanding job and therefore missed out on the 6 happiest years of my life. I took that risk and my kids now older and career and marriage are now thriving (touch wood!). That’s life - snakes and ladders. But you can’t extrapolate to others each situation very different.

@Wallywobbles I am a SAHM and have been mostly so for 9 years. We pay into a private pension for me. We also have life insurance and critical illness cover for us both, and income protection insurance for DH. When I decided to become a SAHM we also put some money, a few thousand ringfenced, in a bank account in my name for me for retraining costs when the time comes. We are lucky to have been able to do all that, but it was a very large sacrifice I made and I made sure I made it as risk-free as possible for me. It wasn't totally without risk but the reward for us has outweighed that many, many times over.

However I'd caution OP against making any decision now. If you'd like another baby it can be worth going back for a few months, even if you quit once you're pregnant as long as you've worked for 26 weeks out of the 60 until your EDD then you get £155 ish per week Maternity Allowance for 39 weeks (or 90% of salary, whichever is lower). Some companies also allow career breaks or sabbaticals, or you could go back part time but use annual leave to bulk out the time at home.

Looking after a pre walking baby while there are plenty of other mums and dads with similar aged babies around every day is one thing. A frustrated, not yet talking but walking 13 month old is quite another. Both, in my opinion, wonderful, but anything that lets you keep options open while you check how you feel as close to (or even beyond) March 2021 is a good thing at this stage.

@Skysblue

Your comment 'your child will develop much faster with you than at nursery'

Evidence? As a parent with a child in full time childcare I refute this, it's this sort of comment that makes full time working mums feel like they've failed their children. And it's not the case