to worry about giving up my job to be sahm

[allthemteeth]

First time mom. DD is 7 months old.

I'm due to return to work at the start of March 21.

I always thought I would go back to work and DD would go to a nursery, but now she's here my feelings have completely changed.

I couldn't imagine going to work all day and leaving her. I hate the thought of not seeing her all day and missing out seeing her grow and develop.

I've not been overly happy in my job for a while now, I've stayed because although I'm only on an average salary, I have the benefit of a company car.

DH has a much higher salary and also has a company car so we could quite comfortably manage without my wage.

The issue is, I've never not had a job.
I've always worked full time and I worry about giving up this independence.
We've always had joint money so it's not as if I will have to ask DH for money or tell him what I spend etc, but not contributing anything to the "pot" just makes me feel uneasy.

I also worry about the social side of not working. I do really like the people I work with and I think I'd miss not being around other adults every day.

It's not really an option for me to go back
part time. My wage would reduce dramatically and I'd pretty much be going to work just to cover nursery fees.

I know I want to leave my job and stay at home with DD but there's just this feeling of losing myself or my independence for doing it.

Has anyone else given up a job? Am I
making the right decision?

Maybe I’m being idealistic but have most people not already formed friendships by the time they’re having children? yes I have friends, out of all my friends only 1 has children- all my other friends are single or still only dating- I’m 33. My sister is 38 with two children, both nearly teenagers and only now have her friends started trying for kids. Maybe that’s a London thing but I didn’t have a natural ready made set of “mum” friends. Also by the time my friends have children I imagine I’ll be quite past the preschooler age.

Personally I would go back and see how you feel, part time if possible and then you can have the best of both worlds.

I love my children dearly but I lost myself both times whilst on mat leave! I forgot that I have other areas of my life that are important to me. I've just done 9 months mat leave followed my 9 months PT, it's been nice to be a mummy and a professional side by side.

I don't think mumsnet is anti sahm. Op i think instead of laughing or being offended you should be grateful that people with more life experience than you have offered advice (which is why you posted).

I have always worked with children and at one point had a senior colleague constantly making passes as me and complaining that his stay at home wife was boring. He took issue with the fact that once he was home from work she would give him the kids. He said he was tired and how it wasn't hard for her being at home! They had been together over a decade.

Hi OP, i did return to work part time. Well it was a new job, 4 days/week. The benefits were
-keeping hand in my career
-got an excellent pension
-able to reduce down to 3.5 days over 4 when DC1 went to school
-Then after DC2 went to school, moved to 3.5 days over 5

As previous posters mention, the hardest years are the primary school years. Having been able to find a job and prove myself before moving to more flexible hours was the best thing I could’ve done.
It was so hard but I was there for 9/10 school drop offs/pick ups.
Then after 11 years, it was easy to go up to full time and a massive increase in salary. So I’m able to spend more on the DC and go on more holidays with them.

The other thing I was conscious of as DH was a very high earner was the risk of redundancy in his industry, so I felt I needed to keep up my career so I could cover us if anything did happen to him.
So it’s not just redundancy, but death, critical illness, accidents, depression, just needing to step down. There was a thread recently about a woman wanting her DH not to take a step down, she was a SAHM not earning.

So yes, you should be a team and treat it as equal to working but the balance can shift so quickly from SAHM being critical to the household and to suddenly you’re not contributing depending on the circumstances.

And yes, mumsnet are anti SAHMs because of the sheer volume of posts from SAHMs being left penniless when their DP/DH leaves them and they are completely stuffed with career choices and money. The mumsnet massive want to protect other women from this and having shit pensions. Obviously the opposite - SAHMs celebrating their DH not leaving isn’t something anyone sane would post!

I know you don’t sound like you want a massive number of years away from working, but by the time you have DC no 2, then primary school starting. It is easier to not work, then really hard to find a job. So just useful to consider all these points before you decide. Good luck!

I think you’ve made your mind up OP!! Just remember the childcare costs are an investment in your future ability to work, you shouldn’t just see it as paying in order to work. It’s really hard to get back in to the job market after having kids, if you leave it too long. Don’t be away longer than a couple of years max otherwise you’ll really struggle to get something decent. Jobs are not easy to come by at the moment. I know you feel this way now, when your baby is small but when you’re at home 24/7 with a toddler you might be wishing you had some independence. Good luck though OP- I sense you may need it!

@Greydove28

I don't think mumsnet is anti sahm. Op i think instead of laughing or being offended you should be grateful that people with more life experience than you have offered advice (which is why you posted).

I have always worked with children and at one point had a senior colleague constantly making passes as me and complaining that his stay at home wife was boring. He took issue with the fact that once he was home from work she would give him the kids. He said he was tired and how it wasn't hard for her being at home! They had been together over a decade.

@Greydove28

I have always worked with children and at one point had a senior colleague constantly making passes as me and complaining that his stay at home wife was boring. He took issue with the fact that once he was home from work she would give him the kids. He said he was tired and how it wasn't hard for her being at home! They had been together over a decade.

I came on here for some advice, yeah.
I guess I wasn't prepared for reading how many husbands don't seem to support their wives staying at home.

I feel and for the colleagues wife. Why couldn't he just speak to her and tell her how he felt instead of speaking to you about it behind her back!!

@Bocadilla

Good luck though OP- I sense you may need it!*

Why do you sense I need your good luck?

It creates an imbalance in a relationship when one earns and the other doesn’t-it just does- I’m sorry. I found having done both SAHM periods and working that I am much more confident when working. That shows in every area of my life.

I’ve done it. Ugh what to say. Here goes...

• You will never regret taking that time with your children.
• It is very very hard to be both a great employee and a great mother at the same time, many of my friends tell me they feel they’re a bad mum and a bad employee.
• The early years will be tremendous fun, some of the best of your life
• You will be able to enjoy your child instead of constantly rushing them about to dropoffs
• You won’t be exhausted by being pulled in two different directions all the time
• your child will develop much faster with you than at nursery
• your relationship will become imbalanced
• your husband will become more arrogant than he used to be and you will feel defensive about spending money on yourself
• strangers will patronise you and assume you are thick
• your child will have a rather sexist view of ‘mums stay home’ and will be less independent
• if the marriage ends, you are pretty fucked financially
• when your child starts school you will have to either (a) get a rubbish-paid ‘little job’ that fits around all the childcare housework and child offsick days, or (b) drift around the empty house cleaning / hang out at gym. You can’t hang out with a fun gang of other SAHMs because almost everyone goes back to work.

I don’t regret it, my relationship with my son is amazing and I love that I’ve always been there for him everytime he needed me. I’ve never had to walk away while he cried for me.

But I nearly regret it. My husband definitely treated me with more respect when I had a cool and I’m fed up of other mums patronising me.

@Skysblue

I’ve done it. Ugh what to say. Here goes...

• You will never regret taking that time with your children.
• It is very very hard to be both a great employee and a great mother at the same time, many of my friends tell me they feel they’re a bad mum and a bad employee.
• The early years will be tremendous fun, some of the best of your life
• You will be able to enjoy your child instead of constantly rushing them about to dropoffs
• You won’t be exhausted by being pulled in two different directions all the time
• your child will develop much faster with you than at nursery
• your relationship will become imbalanced
• your husband will become more arrogant than he used to be and you will feel defensive about spending money on yourself
• strangers will patronise you and assume you are thick
• your child will have a rather sexist view of ‘mums stay home’ and will be less independent
• if the marriage ends, you are pretty fucked financially
• when your child starts school you will have to either (a) get a rubbish-paid ‘little job’ that fits around all the childcare housework and child offsick days, or (b) drift around the empty house cleaning / hang out at gym. You can’t hang out with a fun gang of other SAHMs because almost everyone goes back to work.

I don’t regret it, my relationship with my son is amazing and I love that I’ve always been there for him everytime he needed me. I’ve never had to walk away while he cried for me.

But I nearly regret it. My husband definitely treated me with more respect when I had a cool and I’m fed up of other mums patronising me.

@Skysblue

Thanks for this!!

Why would other mums patronise you?

You're a mum staying at home to look after her children? What's there to patronise about?

I've never looked at anyone who doesn't work because they are at home with children, and thought badly of them!!

My husband earns a lot more money than I do. Both wages just go into the joint account. We don't have our own money.
He never questions what I spend now so I don't worry about him questioning it if I didn't work. But as others have pointed out; a lot, things change when you don't work.

But all I meant was the cost of childcare would equate to what my wage would be should I go part time, so it would feel like I'm only working to pay childcare costs as we wouldn't be financially any better off for me going to work part time

If I could have one wish of mothers on this site, it would be that this wasn’t the mindset.

Childcare is such a short term cost, not having it by taking a back seat to your own career can be a much more long term issue. This isn’t an issue for you personally, but keeping your foot in the door is invaluable.

You can always go back PT and increase your hours. Or reduce them. Or quit! But you might find that five years down the line, when you’re looking for something that fits round school, and your husband has taken maybe two promotions, that everything falls to you and you can’t find anything appropriate work wise. This might not bother you, but it would bother me. I like having a persona outside of being a mother - and I know we all do, but personally I found it SO hard.

I’ve done it for three years as I had twins so wasn’t worth going back to work financially until they were 3. Pros and cons overall but I’ve enjoyed it and I know it’s been a really positive thing for my kids.
The negatives were nothing financial: loneliness/lack of adult company were the main issues and this resulted in a sudden lack of confidence (which I’d never suffered from previously) so just try and socialise as much as possible and make mum friends. Easier said than done in a pandemic I’m sure!

Three of my close mum friends have become SAHM, we were all working mums before. In all of their cases, their DH’s career has absolutely flourished because they’ve used the fact that mum is home all day as an excuse to stay in the office longer and travel more. So this causes resentment for the wives.

The longer term worry if that the DH get used to the set up and aren’t able or willing to then pitch in when the wife wants to get back into the workplace. One of my friends wanted to get a job and her DH actually made fun of her for it when we were at a social event, I found that so embarrassing for her.

I guess what I’m saying is the relationship dynamics I’ve observed among my friends who left work...make me glad that I’ve continued working. But maybe I’m too proud to cope with the feeling of being someone’s “little woman” at home.

OP, your mind is made up and closed to views other than those who support your decision.

We are potentially in a COVID situation for years. It would be crazy to give up a perfectly good job and not even try to go part time. But your employer will be fine. There will be scores of people beating down their doors to take your job. If know if any of the people who work for me leave, I will have no problem finding a more experienced person to do their job for cheaper. Your choice.

With the emphasis on WFH, there is no better time than now to be a working parent and get paid for it. Even if childcare eats into your pay substantially, you don't have a commute and can get to spend more time with your child and get paid for it. Did I say that? But feel free to flush that down the toilet along with your career.

Good luck.

I am also qualified in my field of work so I don't think I'd struggle to find work again

Are you in a profession with CPD & registration? If you’re not working how will you maintain registration?

Thing about work,and professional reputation is people think of you,consider you when you’re currently working
When you’re not working,you’re not visible or automatically kept in mind. Even more so if you’re not working for years.

I sort of did this.

I left my job and got a part time evening job, it kept me in a work place and saved on childcare, also I didn't feel I could leave my child.

But also DS was a really easy baby, so I could look after him during the day and work at night, I am not sure if that would have happened if he wasn't turned into a shit toddler and made me regret my smugness

Haven't read the whole thread
But for me it was the best thing I ever did
I became a sahm when I had my teen. His dad and I split when he was 2. I ended up on income support. The day after he started ft school I got a job, I was lucky. As it was school hours round the corner from the school
I then went back to my original pre mum job.

7 yrs later I met dh. When I was pregnant with dd I knew I would want to be home with her. A, I hated my job. b. I was told I'd never have another dc so I wanted every moment with her. C if I did return the childcare would be more than my salary.. We combined income but I mean that as a grand total.

I then fell with ds.. And couldn't belive it.
I'm still a sahm. My old manager has always said there's a job for me if I want it. Now or the future. But a location closer to home., no travel expense and a different role which I did for a bit and loved. So I know if needed I could.
Yes money is a struggle at times. And we've racked up a bit of debt.. Which will be clear in 8 months. But I wouldn't change it for the world.

@blueshoes

OP, your mind is made up and closed to views other than those who support your decision.

We are potentially in a COVID situation for years. It would be crazy to give up a perfectly good job and not even try to go part time. But your employer will be fine. There will be scores of people beating down their doors to take your job. If know if any of the people who work for me leave, I will have no problem finding a more experienced person to do their job for cheaper. Your choice.

With the emphasis on WFH, there is no better time than now to be a working parent and get paid for it. Even if childcare eats into your pay substantially, you don't have a commute and can get to spend more time with your child and get paid for it. Did I say that? But feel free to flush that down the toilet along with your career.

Good luck.

@blueshoes there is no option for part time. Sure I can apply, but I know my employer will not accept. I've been at the company 9 years. I know them and there are no part time staff.

I gave up work and haven't regretted it except that it's knocked my confidence a little, but that's only because our society no longer seems to value the role in raising a family.

I find all this talk of being dependent rather odd. My partner and I are a team, we are a family. Any money earned by us was family money and if we wanted to spend something on ourselves (budget permitting) we did, neither had to ask permission. Once I gave up work this didn't change, we're still a team, we just contribute in different ways to our family. My partner doesn't think of it as 'his' money, it's family money.

With regards to being a SAHM, I love it. I love spending time with my children, being there for every precious stage and now they're at school they have the security of knowing I'm here if they need me (important for my ASD child) and I don't have the guilt of sending them in if they're ill because I have to work. I'm never bored. Maybe it's easier because my work never defined who I was, it was always just a small aspect of me.

Financially it's tough and if I did work it would mean we could have holidays abroad or move and have a bigger garden etc, but we feel we've got the balance right with what's most important. I can't imagine having to put my kids in wraparound care and my heart goes out to those who have no choice.

In hindsight, if one of my DC's wasn't ASD, then I'd have got a part-time job during school hours once they were in junior school. I'm hoping I'll be able to do this once they're in secondary.

Good luck! Go with your gut and whatever you decide, it'll be right for your family.

If you can afford it, do it. I felt the same and don’t regret giving up work for a few years. It gave me the chance to think about what I really want to do in the future. And I met so many more people in the community through having time to meet up with people and their toddlers through playgroups etc. Really expanded social circle and support network. having no family nearby. Work part time now so a good balance . You are lucky to have the choice .

I stayed home in total for 6 years, only working part time, limited hours. We were able to manage financially and I certainly felt like I was contributing to the family. We share the money and I didn’t feel any need to justify my spending. That being said we don’t live an extravagant life.

I loved being home when my two were little and was able to keep myself busy with them and with volunteering and housekeeping. I started to find it really dull once they stated full time school. I went back to school and retrained and was able to find decent, full time work shortly after. However it is at significantly lower pay. My goal is to be at the level I’d like to be within 5 years.

Urgh giving “advice” and saying “well you’ve made your mind up” so patronising!

Everyone’s situation is different.
The risk for an older educated professional woman with equity behind her In a strong marriage with a marketable skill taking a few years out while her children are small is minimal. I and literally all my friends I met through parenting have done this. So we have had it all - years focussing on small children and when they are at school our careers back. I appreciate it upsets some who have worked through to hear that but that is my own and many others reality.

I think the difficulty now is competition. 75% of mothers with dependent dc now work, 67% for those with dc under 2. Partly this is driven by higher levels of education & earnings, fewer women drop out of work after having dc. So for good jobs you're likely to be competing with some who didn't have gaps.

If you’re good employers will want you. Two sahms of 3 when their youngest children started school that I know were approached by friends of friends / other parents / contacts with good flexible job offers in their old fields.

Honestly I wouldn’t take the risk.

The majority of new mothers feel like you. I’d maybe see if you can extend maternity leave and/or when you go back, look for a part time role. Keep your foot in the door.

You just never know what the future holds for you or your family.

I went back to the job I hated. But I thought of it as insurance. Now my child is 13, my DH is unwell and we have so much more financial security as I have kept up paid work. For me, it was worth it - now I have more options to go PT or stay FT and can be there for DC and DH and we have no financial stress.

You and your husband are both taking a risk on your future to lose one income now. The red flag to me is that you don’t see your income as combined if you only think of childcare as being paid by your wage. Childcare costs are short-term expense and in the long term you will both lose financially.

Ultimately it’s a family decision for you and your DH. It’s his child too, and he should be involved in childcare as much as you if you both work FT.

Also, as children grow they cost more and, while you may save in childcare now, you will have the costs of phone, uniforms, clubs, food, clothes, holidays etc while they grow up and are dependent on your
DHs salary. Are you prepared to have the extra time and less income as DC grows up.

Don’t assume you will walk back into same job / same salary. I am now 45 and competing with 10 year experienced 32 year olds for same roles. Ten years ago I could not have imagined the current competition existing in my area of work.