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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a friends only wedding and to have not told my parent yet!

164 replies

abstractprojection · 22/08/2020 09:17

This will be my second wedding but my OH’s first. He would like to have a Big Fat Croatian wedding complete with church, flags, flares, lots of guests, and all the family.

I don’t want this...

I still feel quite a lot of embarrassment over dragging my entire family into a church to watch me make a vow to man that I then divorced. My ex was the one who broke the vows and none of my family is anything other then happy that I left him, so that’s not an issue, but I still feel some... loss of pride I guess and the idea of doing it again makes me cringe. I want to be married to my OH but I’d like the least weddinglike wedding.

Logistically my parents are separated and hosting both separately in Croatia would mean me being stretched between the two in the run up, having to pick between the two or disappoint one of them at some point. Also due to cost they won’t be able to bring their friends and have their own table/crew like I did at my first which was a good solution. Getting married in the UK instead would be even more expensive in terms of flights and hotels as his family is much bigger then mine. My mum was also a bit of a motherofthebridezilla to the point that the chef almost walked out on my last one

There’s also a bit of I’m not sure how happy my parents will be to see me get married again. They love and approve of my OH but it was a bad divorce and they don’t want to see me hurt again. Both made me promise to not do anything ‘rash’ this summer which we spent in Croatia ie. get married. But we want to start trying for a family and though being married or not doesn’t really matter at-least not to me anymore, it does to him and I don’t think he should be punished for my ex’s crimes by being denied that. And yes I’m a romantic at heart, I do want to marry him.

Anyway the solution I’ve come up with is to have a casual friends only wedding next year Covid allowing.

I’ve found out that the tropical conservatory we had our fifth date in (and where we became official) does weddings. It is reasonably priced, and allows you to bring your own drinks and nibbles (as long as someone is assigned to stop the birds from eating them). It’s a 2 hour slot in the evening with 30 guests max, so we’d invite our friends who would also do the photography, catering and cars (I have friends I would invite anyway that can do all of these) and then have a house party afterwards at someone’s. Yes we’re mid to late 30s and still house party Blush

This is something that I’m emotionally comfortable with, will cost very little (so more of our savings can go on our future home and an amazing honeymoon), and for me will be about our future life together: our friends (who are an amazing crew) and where we live.

At first my OH was disappointed but he’s come round and is now excited about the idea (maybe the money saving aspect Grin more then anything else) but ultimately he just wants to get married and if this is what I want then so be it. He’s mentioned it to his family and they are fine, they just want to see us get married and produce grandchildren, but would like a nice family meal to celebrate when we next come back.

I haven’t raised it with my family yet which is a bit Hmm as we’re picking rings out next week! I’m thinking of just informing them sooner to the date which means we’ll have been living together for three years and they’ll have had another year to get use to the idea and for my divorce to be further in the past. But they won’t choke on their tea when they see pics on Facebook like surprise!

I mean I’m 32 years old I don’t think I need their permission or blessing, and I’m not expecting them to pay for it or any subsequent fallout if it goes tits up (I paid for my divorce myself despite offers of help). I’m sure my Mum will be disappointed to miss out on being mother of the bride again, she did enjoy it (a bit too much), but if OH’s parents are fine to go without fuss for their first born sons first wedding then I think she should be too.

AIBU to have a friends only wedding?
AIBU to have not informed my family yet?

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 22/08/2020 09:21

If you’ve told OHs family, you need to tell yours. If they aren’t thrilled about it, feeling as though you’ve kept it a secret won’t make things better.

Weebitawks · 22/08/2020 09:21

To be honest I think that's terrible. I'm usually on the side of people should do weddings how they want but to not invited your parents who you have a good relationship with will be deeply hurtful.

Can't you just plan the wedding then invite them but let them sort themselves out?

OhCaptain · 22/08/2020 09:22

Why can’t you invite them to the conservatory? Do your friends make up 30 people?

DaphneFanshaw · 22/08/2020 09:28

I don't think I could do that to my parents tbh.
Obviously it's your wedding, your choice but they're your parents. How do you think they will react to not being invited to your wedding?

DaphneFanshaw · 22/08/2020 09:29

I think you should tell them soon either way too.

LaureBerthaud · 22/08/2020 09:30

I don't do the voting nonsense but - unless I'm not understanding your plans properly - I think you are being selfish and unkind.

And I'd bet your DP's parents are deeply hurt?
Why can't they come to the wedding and the conservatory?

AskingforaBaskin · 22/08/2020 09:30

You can absolutely do what you want. It's your wedding and you're an adult.

But don't believe that absolves you of any backlash from your decisions.

So when you're family find out they would also be well within their rights to be pissed off, upset and take whatever action they deem necessary to them.

DaphneFanshaw · 22/08/2020 09:35

Yy why cant DPs parents go too?
Why do they have to wait for a celebratory meal?
If that was my DS I would obviously say that I was ok with it but I would be absolutely gutted.
Are you sure that this is worth it?

linmanuel · 22/08/2020 09:35

Hmm.
If you just want to be married why not hop off to a register office with just some witnesses

Have a blessing in Croatia where you fly out with your parents so his parents can show you all off (minimal ££ for flights)

House party to celebrate it all. (See your mates and take some pics)

AllPlayedOut · 22/08/2020 09:35

YABVU. Doing that would be incredibly selfish.

GetOffYourHighHorse · 22/08/2020 09:36

Unless you are NC or are having no guests at all you can't not invite parents to your wedding.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 22/08/2020 09:39

It's your wedding, and you would be the one to handle the backlash that will inevitably come alongside it.

Getting married with just 2 witnesses would be far less hurtful to your family than having a wedding with 30 people though.

You say you don't want to punish your dp for your exes crimes, but it seems like you are doing that. He seems to just be going along with what make you happy.

If you do go ahead with your plan, I would probably ask people not to put it on facebook, and tell your parents when it's done and dusted so they can't get themselves involved beforehand.

Either way theres going to be a fall out.

ScarlettDarling · 22/08/2020 09:43

I can't begin to tell you how hurt I'd be if one of my children did this in years to come. Your families may tell you it's fine and to go ahead-that's what I'd say- but they'll be terribly hurt.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 22/08/2020 09:45

I think you should invite both sets of parents. It doesn't mean handing over control and still leaves you 26 friends you can invite. But I think not inviting them is wrong. You are kind of penalising your fiance's parents for your divorce because in normal circumstances they would never be excluded from their son's wedding.

GCAcademic · 22/08/2020 09:47

This is really shitty. I feel very sorry for your parents and for your husband to be, who you seem to have steamrollered into not having his family at his wedding, despite him obviously wanting them there. Once the insanity that seems to beset so many women at the prospect of their wedding has subsided, I think you would really regret being so selfish.

GrumpyHoonMain · 22/08/2020 09:48

Honestly in my opinion you are being selfish. Not just with your parents but your DH too. You have ruined his first wedding just because you are embarrassed about being married a second time - years down the line, even if you don’t break up, he may end up resenting you for it

lampshadery · 22/08/2020 09:51

Yeah I agree that you're being selfish. Not about the small wedding which sounds nice, but because your OH's family won't be there just because you're embarrassed to have yours there. It's very unfair and it sounds like he has a good relationship with them, so the only reason they won't be there is because if you.

Sally872 · 22/08/2020 09:51

I would be hurt if not close enough to my children to he invited to any wedding. Hurt they felt embarrassed over divorce and think I would wish them anything but the best.

I think parents/siblings should be invited to your planned event (don't change it because they are coming). Wider family and friends of parents can definitely be left.

If flights are expensive give them notice to save and offer zoom call/be understanding if they can't come.

notheragain4 · 22/08/2020 09:52

Oh gosh no that's just, no. Either elope just your DP and you, or you invite your nearest and dearest which sounds like parents fit that category for you.

You say you're embarrassed by dragging people to the church that ended in divorce, honestly I'd be far more embarrassed by not having your partner's parents to his first (and hopefully only!) wedding, and how selfish that looks.

JorisBonson · 22/08/2020 09:56

OP, do whatever you and your DP want to do. Make sure you're on the same page and deal with any fall out after.

I'm divorced, DP never been married. Had to cancel our small wedding twice due to Corona, now eloping next month. Families have moaned but are understanding.

Blackdog19 · 22/08/2020 09:58

I’d feel sorry for your’s and DH’s parents but ultimately your choice.

GCAcademic · 22/08/2020 10:00

Had to cancel our small wedding twice due to Corona, now eloping next month. Families have moaned but are understanding.

Eloping is rather less hurtful to your parents than inviting 30 friends while excluding them, though.

JaJaDingDong · 22/08/2020 10:03

I'd be absolutely gutted if DD didn't invite me to get wedding, whether that was the first one, or the second, third or fourth one.
Tell them and invite them!

Solina · 22/08/2020 10:04

I don't think I would be able to justify a wedding with 30 friends whilst not inviting parents and siblings. That will hurt even if they don't say it.

Shamoo · 22/08/2020 10:05

We got married without family and with a couple of friends as witnesses, so I say this as somebody who has sort of been there: to hold a wedding with 30 guests and not invite your parents who you have a good relationship with is mean, and they will be very hurt. My parents were very hurt that they didn’t come and we didn’t really even have guests or any sort of party. You should invite them and let them decide if they want to go.

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