To have a friends only wedding and to have not told my parent yet!

[abstractprojection]

This will be my second wedding but my OH’s first. He would like to have a Big Fat Croatian wedding complete with church, flags, flares, lots of guests, and all the family.

I don’t want this...

I still feel quite a lot of embarrassment over dragging my entire family into a church to watch me make a vow to man that I then divorced. My ex was the one who broke the vows and none of my family is anything other then happy that I left him, so that’s not an issue, but I still feel some... loss of pride I guess and the idea of doing it again makes me cringe. I want to be married to my OH but I’d like the least weddinglike wedding.

Logistically my parents are separated and hosting both separately in Croatia would mean me being stretched between the two in the run up, having to pick between the two or disappoint one of them at some point. Also due to cost they won’t be able to bring their friends and have their own table/crew like I did at my first which was a good solution. Getting married in the UK instead would be even more expensive in terms of flights and hotels as his family is much bigger then mine. My mum was also a bit of a motherofthebridezilla to the point that the chef almost walked out on my last one

There’s also a bit of I’m not sure how happy my parents will be to see me get married again. They love and approve of my OH but it was a bad divorce and they don’t want to see me hurt again. Both made me promise to not do anything ‘rash’ this summer which we spent in Croatia ie. get married. But we want to start trying for a family and though being married or not doesn’t really matter at-least not to me anymore, it does to him and I don’t think he should be punished for my ex’s crimes by being denied that. And yes I’m a romantic at heart, I do want to marry him.

Anyway the solution I’ve come up with is to have a casual friends only wedding next year Covid allowing.

I’ve found out that the tropical conservatory we had our fifth date in (and where we became official) does weddings. It is reasonably priced, and allows you to bring your own drinks and nibbles (as long as someone is assigned to stop the birds from eating them). It’s a 2 hour slot in the evening with 30 guests max, so we’d invite our friends who would also do the photography, catering and cars (I have friends I would invite anyway that can do all of these) and then have a house party afterwards at someone’s. Yes we’re mid to late 30s and still house party

This is something that I’m emotionally comfortable with, will cost very little (so more of our savings can go on our future home and an amazing honeymoon), and for me will be about our future life together: our friends (who are an amazing crew) and where we live.

At first my OH was disappointed but he’s come round and is now excited about the idea (maybe the money saving aspect more then anything else) but ultimately he just wants to get married and if this is what I want then so be it. He’s mentioned it to his family and they are fine, they just want to see us get married and produce grandchildren, but would like a nice family meal to celebrate when we next come back.

I haven’t raised it with my family yet which is a bit as we’re picking rings out next week! I’m thinking of just informing them sooner to the date which means we’ll have been living together for three years and they’ll have had another year to get use to the idea and for my divorce to be further in the past. But they won’t choke on their tea when they see pics on Facebook like surprise!

I mean I’m 32 years old I don’t think I need their permission or blessing, and I’m not expecting them to pay for it or any subsequent fallout if it goes tits up (I paid for my divorce myself despite offers of help). I’m sure my Mum will be disappointed to miss out on being mother of the bride again, she did enjoy it (a bit too much), but if OH’s parents are fine to go without fuss for their first born sons first wedding then I think she should be too.

AIBU to have a friends only wedding?
AIBU to have not informed my family yet?

As someone who got married in a registry office without telling our families and with witnesses only I think it is a terrible idea.

If you are having a wedding and reception/house party with guests why wouldn't you invite immediate family? My mum found my choice to get married discretely hard to take initially but understood the valid reasons. If we had had a reception/party after and excluded them I think she would have disowned me!!!!!

But I am much less willing to do things just to make others happy

Huge difference between doing something to make others happy and doing something that will very obviously hurt your own parents.

You would benefit from counselling to get over your apparent shame at your previous marriage breaking down. Clearly it’s messed with your head to the extent you haven’t realised how damaged you are from it. Could you even be marrying this guy to somehow replace the bad marriage so you can then forget about it, rather than processing your feelings first?

Well I had the counselling and the end result was my rampant selfishness , but in all seriousness I would say that I am marrying my OH despite the shame rather then because of it

@CoastRoad It's good to hear that I'm not the only one who doesn't want a big do!

I think the conservatory compromise works for both of us, just small enough for me, and just big enough for him. The main thing he's disappointed is that his best best friend won't be able to come because he has a baby that sadly has health issues so he would only be able to come if it were in Croatia. He and his family will be invited to any meal that happens or if we upgrade that idea or a blessing or more proper reception.

If you don’t want to have parents at your wedding party then you’d be better having a registry wedding with just both sets of parents as witnesses and a meal. Use Covid as an excuse and do it now.

I tried to use Covid as an excuses as I needed papers to be able to travel to Croatia but sadly the registry offices were all closed, and then Croatia lifted the ban to tourists. I then tried to use us going to Canada as an excuse but they respect his as a common law spouse.

And he wasn't falling for it

Oh, I feel really sorry for both sets of parents and for your fiance. It seems like the only person this plan will make happy is you?

I've never been married so I accept my priorities and perception might be off but, as you have had one wedding already and this is your fiance's first one, I think he should be the one to choose how it is done.

As a minimum invite both sets of parents.
Beyond that up to you both how many guests you wish to invite
Congratulations

I think you will completely muck up your relationship with your parents if you do it this way. The people who love you most and support you through terrible times, which you freely admit.

Elope (registry office) or include them over 'friends'.

I recently got married. We only had our closest 3 friends, 2 of their partners and their children attend. None of our families. We had the most perfect day.our families were disappointed but totally understanding. They met us for a drink later in the day (extremely low key wedding)

I eloped for my first wedding in the true meaning of the word. Nobody else knew. No friends, no family there, just two witnesses provided by the registrar.

Both our families were extremely hurt at being excluded. My mother in particular. It was really miserable. I can only imagine that excluding family but inviting friends would have made a bad decision worse.

I think the conservatory wedding is a lovely idea, but you must invite your parents.

@Butterbeeeen

I recently got married. We only had our closest 3 friends, 2 of their partners and their children attend. None of our families. We had the most perfect day.our families were disappointed but totally understanding. They met us for a drink later in the day (extremely low key wedding)

They had to be 'understanding' really didn't they?

What was to understand? You didn't want them there and your friends were more important.

(unless there's a backstory about disfunction)

Why would you majorly want to piss off your entire family?

However what it says to me is that you're not ready to remarry yet. You are still picking over your divorce and your parents' role in it. Fair enough. If you are at the stage where you can give your parents the message that they are excluded from your wedding and then happily weather the ensuing storm, do it. But the fact that you're posting about it here suggests you're not.

I'm not at the point where I can speak truly openly and honestly with my parents, so much is brushed under the carpet it's a mound, and I can't see that changing any time soon. They want too (or think they want too, but they don't yet know what would be said) but I just wasn't raised too.

I am still licking my wounds and I would prefer to not be, and it would probably be best to wait but my OH has been asking me to marry him for two years and I've caused considerable pain by saying no, or later or changing my mind after a particularly romantic moment where I didn't quite say yes but didn't say no either. It's shit or get off the bucket.

This again will sound extremely selfish but his parents happiness is more his responsibility then mine, I mean I really really like them and they like me, but they are not my parents.

He could have married one of the two Croatian girls he had long term relationships with no divorces and who wanted to marry him, but he didn't want too, and instead picked the messed up British girl with messed up parents and a messed up divorce off of Tinder and went that's the one for me.

I don’t eat why you can’t invite your parents?

Are there really 30 people more important to you than them?

@Butterbeeeen nice to hear!

I know the friends thing is kinda shocking and I forget how at odds it is with whats considered normal. But for me these particular friends are my family, I have no siblings or a single cousin who I haven't seen in years and have never been close too. They were the ones who picked me back up after my separation. My parents have vocalised how happy they are for this and I think that they would 'get it'.

why are you asking then youve clearly madeup your mind

Btw I told my OH of the responses on here and he was delighted! 'Yes you're being a bitch and should get married properly or not at all.... now just give me the money' but with good humor

You have to own your own ‘mistakes’. Take responsibility for them and move on.

Not inviting your parents because you feel shame is making your shame their problem. It’s coming across as really immature and self-absorbed.

@GabsAlot

Sorry if I've come off as defensive. I was expecting a critical response but maybe not quite so much!

I have made up my mind on what I won't do which is the church plus my parents, but I am open to further compromises and the responses on here have given me a lot of food for thought and I am considering how to be more inclusive.

My parents have vocalised how happy they are for this and I think that they would 'get it'.

So what's the issue then? Quite honestly OP, and I really mean this in the kindest way, you don't seem to know if you're coming or going. You want to marry this man because he's been asking for two years. You now want kids because he does. Your parents are going to be devastated. But they'll 'get it'. You're worried that a group of women in the internet will judge you, at 32, for going to house parties. You tried to use covid as an excuse to... I'm not sure, not marry your fiance?

I don't think you're ready to remarry, with or without your parents. But I'm sure you'll do what your current chaotic state leads you to do and I really hope it all works out well.

Trust me I die inside at the thought of some of my family at my wedding, but, to go against what I normally see on here, marriage is not just about 2 people. It's joining two families as well, so you invite your parents (both sets) and your friends. They might not even want to shlep all the way to Canada, but you have to invite them.
You are 32, it's time to grow up, sorry!

Millions of people get divorced. I get that it's really messed with your head but you desperately need to move on from that and until you can, maybe you arent ready to marry again.
Did your parents play some part in the breakdown of your first marriage? Because I just cant understand why else you would punish them in this way.
Have 26 friends and 4 parents.

Hurtful, horrible and heartbreaking. You will destroy relationships with your parents forever and I doubt they would recover. But if you want to do that to them, then go ahead. It also seems it's all about YOU and what YOU want, and YOUR past, when it should be about your JOINT futures, not your fiance having to "come around" - how sad, how very sad for him and his family too. Are you allowing your parents to see any future grandchildren, or is that all going to be about your precious "friendship group" too? This is one of the most selfish and nasty ideas I have come across for some time with ripples of upset and heartbreak that will continue for the rest of their lives. Cruel, really cruel - can just imagine the parents bumping into an acquaintance and saying "oh yes, they are married now, no we weren't invited because they were limited to numbers and obviously their friendship group were the priority" - are you Megan Markle?

Wow that's harsh in my opinion

Are you projecting your misgivings on to your family, OP? By not inviting them, you're not confronted with your disowned doubts.

Do you really want to get married?

Your hang up around the divorce is really weird and making you selfish.

Who gives a shit if you got divorced, really? There’s no shame in it!

Have the wedding you want but invite both sets of parents and OH’s friend. If they can’t come, fine but at least they were invited!

Let him have his blessing and dinner in Croatia because at least at that point you will have invited your parents.*

No fuss. Job done.

*I wouldn’t pay for them to come, either. I’d just invite.

I would have no issue with any of my children eloping or marrying abroad, without family there. However, having a wedding with lots of friends and no family would be really hurtful. No matter what their excuses would be, I wouldn’t be able to be convinced that they didn’t have some secret resentment or shame of me.