To have a friends only wedding and to have not told my parent yet!

[abstractprojection]

This will be my second wedding but my OH’s first. He would like to have a Big Fat Croatian wedding complete with church, flags, flares, lots of guests, and all the family.

I don’t want this...

I still feel quite a lot of embarrassment over dragging my entire family into a church to watch me make a vow to man that I then divorced. My ex was the one who broke the vows and none of my family is anything other then happy that I left him, so that’s not an issue, but I still feel some... loss of pride I guess and the idea of doing it again makes me cringe. I want to be married to my OH but I’d like the least weddinglike wedding.

Logistically my parents are separated and hosting both separately in Croatia would mean me being stretched between the two in the run up, having to pick between the two or disappoint one of them at some point. Also due to cost they won’t be able to bring their friends and have their own table/crew like I did at my first which was a good solution. Getting married in the UK instead would be even more expensive in terms of flights and hotels as his family is much bigger then mine. My mum was also a bit of a motherofthebridezilla to the point that the chef almost walked out on my last one

There’s also a bit of I’m not sure how happy my parents will be to see me get married again. They love and approve of my OH but it was a bad divorce and they don’t want to see me hurt again. Both made me promise to not do anything ‘rash’ this summer which we spent in Croatia ie. get married. But we want to start trying for a family and though being married or not doesn’t really matter at-least not to me anymore, it does to him and I don’t think he should be punished for my ex’s crimes by being denied that. And yes I’m a romantic at heart, I do want to marry him.

Anyway the solution I’ve come up with is to have a casual friends only wedding next year Covid allowing.

I’ve found out that the tropical conservatory we had our fifth date in (and where we became official) does weddings. It is reasonably priced, and allows you to bring your own drinks and nibbles (as long as someone is assigned to stop the birds from eating them). It’s a 2 hour slot in the evening with 30 guests max, so we’d invite our friends who would also do the photography, catering and cars (I have friends I would invite anyway that can do all of these) and then have a house party afterwards at someone’s. Yes we’re mid to late 30s and still house party

This is something that I’m emotionally comfortable with, will cost very little (so more of our savings can go on our future home and an amazing honeymoon), and for me will be about our future life together: our friends (who are an amazing crew) and where we live.

At first my OH was disappointed but he’s come round and is now excited about the idea (maybe the money saving aspect more then anything else) but ultimately he just wants to get married and if this is what I want then so be it. He’s mentioned it to his family and they are fine, they just want to see us get married and produce grandchildren, but would like a nice family meal to celebrate when we next come back.

I haven’t raised it with my family yet which is a bit as we’re picking rings out next week! I’m thinking of just informing them sooner to the date which means we’ll have been living together for three years and they’ll have had another year to get use to the idea and for my divorce to be further in the past. But they won’t choke on their tea when they see pics on Facebook like surprise!

I mean I’m 32 years old I don’t think I need their permission or blessing, and I’m not expecting them to pay for it or any subsequent fallout if it goes tits up (I paid for my divorce myself despite offers of help). I’m sure my Mum will be disappointed to miss out on being mother of the bride again, she did enjoy it (a bit too much), but if OH’s parents are fine to go without fuss for their first born sons first wedding then I think she should be too.

AIBU to have a friends only wedding?
AIBU to have not informed my family yet?

Actually, sorry, it’s not for me to say you should invite them. I just think you need to be really clear that they will very likely, and justifiably, be very hurt by your choices.

I agree with the people that outwardly I would say "your wedding, whatever you want", but inwards be very hurt.
I suspect both sides will blame the spouse as "my dc wouldn't have wanted to exclude me" which may result in IL friction later.

As for feeling guilty you "dragged" people to your wedding to later divorce-as people say on here "it's an invitation not an order". They presumable came because they wanted to. An invitation here is the same: If they feel "oh no not again," then they don't have to come.

I’m sure you’re lovely OP, but I seriously have never heard of something so selfish. You’re depriving your DP of a his dream wedding simply because you’ve already had yours, and to not invite your parents when you’re inviting friends is just plain wacky.

We didn’t tell anyone we were getting married. But we excluded EVERYONE. It still caused issues. I don’t think they’ll forget this.

Considering you seem to have a non-toxic relationship with your family (which I know some people do) I think you are being very selfish and this wedding is all about what you want. I'm divorced and planning my second wedding so I understand what you are saying about shame, but you are still being unreasonable.

I feel for your future DH! He gets to have a say too, and if my children decided to marry without me but with friends I'd be devastated.

You know there’s nothing unusual about being in your 30s and having house parties, right?

I think this is really selfish.

I think I would invite friends and both sets of parents. Tell them you're keeping it small. If they don't want to attend because it's too small, they can't bring the whole family and their friends then they don't have to attend. I think it's lovely to have a small intimate wedding that you want and you shouldn't feel pressured to invite half a Croatian village if it's not for you. But I would at least give them the option. My mum and stepdad didn't invite me to their wedding. They did 'friends only'. It was abroad (where they live) and long planned, but they didn't tell me until a week before when I very obviously couldn't have gotten off work and gotten on a long haul flight to be there. They claimed they wanted it to be 'intimate' and 'no fuss' as was second wedding for both, but honestly it's just because they're selfish and stepdad probably a bit controlling (and his own daughters are rightly NC, so I think he felt like she shouldn't have family there either). Not saying you are being selfish, I think you're just trying to have a nice day and balance everyone's demands, but I think I would invite parents as long as you are close, but keep it small. Or just elope.

I think you are very lucky to have such an understanding partner. He has to give up what he wants, and upset both sets of parents just because you are embarrassed.
Being divorced and marrying again isn't embarrassing. You are being really selfish.

Wow! You have to invite both your parents and his. Sorry but you're both clearly close to your parents and while I can understand wanting to avoid your mother's 'zillaness' you handle that by putting up very clear boundaries, not excluding her or going NC.

Have the small wedding, include the four parents (even if you have to ditch four friends - they can come to the house party). A few days later (part of your honeymoon) have to big Croatian celebration. It's important to your dp, whose feelings you have ignored.

It's up to you and your partner to decide, as it's your day.
However, I think to invite your friends but not your parents is a massive kick in the teeth to them. You're essentially saying your friends are more important, and you'd rather them celebrate with you. I don't like that, and I'd be deeply hurt if I wasn't invited to my dd wedding no matter what number it was.

I think it would be hard for your parents but depends on them whether they get over it or not.

My own experience- could not attend my own son's wedding for complicated reasons ( long distance, short notice, health issues preventing travel). Was difficult but he's my child and I want him to be happy. As a parent that was more important.

I was invited though. Might have felt different if I hadn't been.

I think that it's incredibly unkind and selfish; your parents (and his) are bound to be hurt.

It's one thing to not want any fuss at all and to just go to a registry office with a couple of witnesses. In that case, most parents would be disappointed, maybe a bit upset, but would understand and put on a brave face.

It's completely different to want a wedding, invite 30 friends and then to exclude all the parents. That's a real kick in the teeth. It's ok to want a small wedding and not to invite other relatives but to miss out your parents is terrible.

We didn't invite our parents to our wedding (or indeed even tell them we'd got married for a year or two), precisely because the idea of a big, family fuss was about as appealing to me as a root canal, but we didn't invite anyone else either, just two friends as witnesses.

If you're having a small, casual wedding with guests, I don't see why you don't invite your parents, and if it's not their thing, it's not their thing and they don't attend. But you know, your wedding.

The truth is, whatever you think now, that as time passes your friends will fall by the wayside. Not all of them of course, but a good few. Your family will not. They will stick around, in their irritating, demanding, wanting what's best for you way. They will play a part in your kids' (if you have them) lives that friends generally don't. I think you'll regret rejecting them in this way and feel sad about your wedding quite honestly.

Ps 32 is not mid to late 30s!

Not sure my mum would ever get over not being invited to be honest- and l would always feel guilty for excluding her. OP think very carefully before you do this, would you regret it in years to come? I know l would.

Are you planning on hiring someone to protect the food from the birds or are you going to ask a guest to guard the food? That would not be much fun for guests.

Apart from that, are you actually going to tell your parents they can't come to your wedding or give them the choice?

I think you'll regret rejecting them in this way and feel sad about your wedding quite honestly.

Well, I'm not in quite the same situation as the OP, as I had neither friends nor family (other than two witnesses, who were friends chosen because they were both resting actors who didn't need to take time off to attend) at our registry office wedding, but I can honestly say that I have absolutely no regrets or sadness about not having our families there, despite being very fond of them.

Your parents sound very caring and concerned for your well-being. If I were them I would never forgive you for something like this. I could understand if your parents were abusive or uninterested, but it doesn't sound like this is the case. Just put on your brave girl pants and tell them - you are probably building up their reaction in your head when in reality it will be fine.

Mean. Very mean and selfish. I hope you aren’t wanting to inherit from them.

@CoastRoad

I think you'll regret rejecting them in this way and feel sad about your wedding quite honestly.

Well, I'm not in quite the same situation as the OP, as I had neither friends nor family (other than two witnesses, who were friends chosen because they were both resting actors who didn't need to take time off to attend) at our registry office wedding, but I can honestly say that I have absolutely no regrets or sadness about not having our families there, despite being very fond of them.

I was going to add and didn't, that this isn't the same as having a 2 witness wedding because it's not such a rejection. Glad you enjoyed yours coastroad.

Usually I'd say have your wedding the way you want but you have mentioned your ex and your first wedding so much I think this is horrible. The is about the man your are marrying now not your ex and your embarrassment about marrying the wrong person first time. This is just horrible to your family and your current partner.

OP I feel exactly the same as you about remarrying; I would love to marry DP one day but the idea of doing the big dress and the 'big day' again makes me cringe inside out. I just couldn't.

Ideally we would have something very small (registry office and a meal after) with very close friends and DP's sister who lives near us. Both of our sets of parents live a flight away and would open a whole can of worms about inviting wider family etc, so while I'm not exactly sure what we'd do, but it certainly wouldn't be just planning the whole thing without telling them!

If your DHTB's family already know, then you MUST tell yours right now.

You can do whatever you want. It's clearly your wedding as even your partner isn't getting the wedding he wants. If you want to be a selfish twat and hurt your parents, you don't need the permission of MNers.

I don''t think you can really have a 'proper' big wedding (and even 30 guests is somewhat big at this time) and not invite your parents or siblings, without hurting them. I would suggest having just a registry office wedding with the necessary number of witnesses, and use Covid as the excuse. And it's a fairly valid excuse - just the travelling between the UK and Croatia could be problematic; Croatia has just gone off the safe travel list. When the pandemic is over (I hope before we're all old and grey!), you could have a big party to celebrate your marriage, but not as an actual part of the wedding, and invite both family and friends.

I think you should invite the 4 parents at least. I can totally understand you wanting a more low key wedding but you can have both things here.

They have supported you though presumably some tough times with a divorce, even if not financially, emotionally. To then not include them for the good times seems a bit unkind.

I agree with the majority - it seems like you’re punishing your DP and his family (not to mention your own parents) because you’ve had a divorce which you feel shame over.

I am generally in favour of doing what you (and your partner) like for your own wedding, but it seems like you’re choosing this option as you (and you alone) have negative feelings around it and feel it’s your best option, rather than it being what you both want to do for positive reasons iyswim.

If you go ahead with this, you’ll be hurting a lot of people you say you’re close to, even if they don’t outright say it. There’ll be a backlash that will come at some point. And I’d wonder if your DP, while he says he is understanding now, will be resentful as this is his first marriage and I’m sure he’s never pictured not inviting his own parents to it.

I’d feel differently if you all had dreadful family relationships, but you’ve said you’re close and this will hurt them.