To have a friends only wedding and to have not told my parent yet!

[abstractprojection]

This will be my second wedding but my OH’s first. He would like to have a Big Fat Croatian wedding complete with church, flags, flares, lots of guests, and all the family.

I don’t want this...

I still feel quite a lot of embarrassment over dragging my entire family into a church to watch me make a vow to man that I then divorced. My ex was the one who broke the vows and none of my family is anything other then happy that I left him, so that’s not an issue, but I still feel some... loss of pride I guess and the idea of doing it again makes me cringe. I want to be married to my OH but I’d like the least weddinglike wedding.

Logistically my parents are separated and hosting both separately in Croatia would mean me being stretched between the two in the run up, having to pick between the two or disappoint one of them at some point. Also due to cost they won’t be able to bring their friends and have their own table/crew like I did at my first which was a good solution. Getting married in the UK instead would be even more expensive in terms of flights and hotels as his family is much bigger then mine. My mum was also a bit of a motherofthebridezilla to the point that the chef almost walked out on my last one

There’s also a bit of I’m not sure how happy my parents will be to see me get married again. They love and approve of my OH but it was a bad divorce and they don’t want to see me hurt again. Both made me promise to not do anything ‘rash’ this summer which we spent in Croatia ie. get married. But we want to start trying for a family and though being married or not doesn’t really matter at-least not to me anymore, it does to him and I don’t think he should be punished for my ex’s crimes by being denied that. And yes I’m a romantic at heart, I do want to marry him.

Anyway the solution I’ve come up with is to have a casual friends only wedding next year Covid allowing.

I’ve found out that the tropical conservatory we had our fifth date in (and where we became official) does weddings. It is reasonably priced, and allows you to bring your own drinks and nibbles (as long as someone is assigned to stop the birds from eating them). It’s a 2 hour slot in the evening with 30 guests max, so we’d invite our friends who would also do the photography, catering and cars (I have friends I would invite anyway that can do all of these) and then have a house party afterwards at someone’s. Yes we’re mid to late 30s and still house party

This is something that I’m emotionally comfortable with, will cost very little (so more of our savings can go on our future home and an amazing honeymoon), and for me will be about our future life together: our friends (who are an amazing crew) and where we live.

At first my OH was disappointed but he’s come round and is now excited about the idea (maybe the money saving aspect more then anything else) but ultimately he just wants to get married and if this is what I want then so be it. He’s mentioned it to his family and they are fine, they just want to see us get married and produce grandchildren, but would like a nice family meal to celebrate when we next come back.

I haven’t raised it with my family yet which is a bit as we’re picking rings out next week! I’m thinking of just informing them sooner to the date which means we’ll have been living together for three years and they’ll have had another year to get use to the idea and for my divorce to be further in the past. But they won’t choke on their tea when they see pics on Facebook like surprise!

I mean I’m 32 years old I don’t think I need their permission or blessing, and I’m not expecting them to pay for it or any subsequent fallout if it goes tits up (I paid for my divorce myself despite offers of help). I’m sure my Mum will be disappointed to miss out on being mother of the bride again, she did enjoy it (a bit too much), but if OH’s parents are fine to go without fuss for their first born sons first wedding then I think she should be too.

AIBU to have a friends only wedding?
AIBU to have not informed my family yet?

Tell your parents. They are obviously going to find out at some point anyway and the longer you have left it the worse it will be.

In regards to having to keep your parents separate - don't. Don't do that stupid dance. They are adults and you are their child. If you have an important milestone then you invite both of them to whatever social engagements occur. If they have an issue with it then the issue is their own. Don't make it your problem. If they cause drama then they are being selfish arseholes and you would be well within your rights to tell them to fuck off.

'You’re depriving your DP of a his dream wedding simply because you’ve already had yours, and to not invite your parents when you’re inviting friends is just plain wacky.'

I agree on the second point but not the first. Covid is depriving her DP of his dream wedding - as it is doing to so many, and would be doing so regardless of her actions or preferences.

i dont like big weddings but youre being selfish-either go off just you two or invite your parents its not one of your house parties

My mum is very much of the view that huge weddings are a colossal waste of money, so if I decided to pop off to the registry office in DP’s lunch break she would have no issue with that.

But having a wedding where you invite friends and not your parents sends out a very deliberate message to them that you don’t care about them or their feelings, that it’s all about you and the friends who will likely be gone in the next five years and to hell with the family who you had (because that will change) a good relationship with.

Are you entirely sure you are not doing this on the rebound? and the not inviting your parents (and his) is because you are half expecting it not to last?
I would be really upset if one of my DC did this to me. Fine, go away somewhere just the 2 of you or witnesses but 30 friends that were all ranked higher priority?? Really?

I'm going to differ from the majority here OP. I don't see that anyone else- family included- should dictate how you want your wedding to look. If what you and your partner want is friends only, and both sets of parents are understanding, I don't see the harm.

@AlternativePerspective

My mum is very much of the view that huge weddings are a colossal waste of money, so if I decided to pop off to the registry office in DP’s lunch break she would have no issue with that.

But having a wedding where you invite friends and not your parents sends out a very deliberate message to them that you don’t care about them or their feelings, that it’s all about you and the friends who will likely be gone in the next five years and to hell with the family who you had (because that will change) a good relationship with.

^^This

And if your parents are divorced then their behaviour is for them to sort out and manage and not you. And you can make that clear to them.

Whilst I almost always say “your wedding your choice” I make an exception for this. Both you and your OH get on well with your respective parents. They have all been supportive.

To orchestrate a situation where your OH cannot have his close family with him when he marries (he has agreed, but plainly would have liked to have them there) and your supportive parents are also excluded is really not nice at all. Leaving telling your parents until nearer the time is underhand and makes the situation actively nasty rather than merely thoughtless.

A small wedding is fine. Not including your parents with whom you have a good relationship with is unreasonable. You will cause real hurt if you follow your plan.

So OP has decided to post and run then.

I only have sons so I will never be 'Mother of the Bride' but I would be incredibly hurt to be excluded from one of their weddings for the reasons you mention.

This happened many years ago to a close friend of my mother and honestly, she was really, really upset but she tried hard not to show it. All her friendship group rallied round but they were all dumbfounded that her daughter could do that to her.

Have a rethink OP and ask both sets of parents to the wedding.

You’re depriving your DP of a his dream wedding

I deprived my DP of his dream wedding, which was an enormous affair with hundreds of guests and a gigantic meal and all the bells and whistles. I, on the other hand, was very clear on the fact that the only way I was going to marry him was with two witnesses in a registry office wearing jeans, so I told him it was either that, or he could shop about for some Little Mary Sunshine who's been dreaming of big white dresses and choosing her bridesmaids' colours since she was old enough to toddle.

I think it's a good idea, too- and big second weddings are very tacky. I might consider having 26 friends and the two sets of parents, leaving yours to sort themselves out and behave like grown-ups and deflecting all motherzilla behaviour by making the arrangements yourself.
But I'm also picking up a smidgeon of reluctance to commit publicly as if you're saying least fuss now, less embarrassment when we split up. You don't sound completely wholehearted about this wedding. if it's just the ticking of the biological clock - don't. And don't have a baby either because that would be deeply unfair.

Having a wedding where you invite 30 friends, but not your parents, comes across as a massive fuck you towards your parents.

Having a no fuss wedding in a registry office with the minimum 2 witnesses and no parents is one thing, parents might still be disappointed to miss it, but they’d probably be able to be understanding about it.

But 30 guests and you don’t think your parents rank highly enough to get an invite? Massive, massive fuck you. Most parents would find that very very hurtful, even if they were trying to put on a brave face and act happy for you.

@CoastRoad

You’re depriving your DP of a his dream wedding

I deprived my DP of his dream wedding, which was an enormous affair with hundreds of guests and a gigantic meal and all the bells and whistles. I, on the other hand, was very clear on the fact that the only way I was going to marry him was with two witnesses in a registry office wearing jeans, so I told him it was either that, or he could shop about for some Little Mary Sunshine who's been dreaming of big white dresses and choosing her bridesmaids' colours since she was old enough to toddle.

There are such things as compromises.

@katy1213

I think it's a good idea, too- and big second weddings are very tacky. I might consider having 26 friends and the two sets of parents, leaving yours to sort themselves out and behave like grown-ups and deflecting all motherzilla behaviour by making the arrangements yourself. But I'm also picking up a smidgeon of reluctance to commit publicly as if you're saying least fuss now, less embarrassment when we split up. You don't sound completely wholehearted about this wedding. if it's just the ticking of the biological clock - don't. And don't have a baby either because that would be deeply unfair.

Why are they tacky?

Don't forget, it's a first for the groom.

My compromise was marrying him in the first place, @Nanny0gg. He's wonderful, and we had already been together for many years, but I was not keen on marriage. So he got the marriage he wanted, and I got the casual ten-minute non-wedding I wanted.

Have you asked your friends if they would be happy to do the photography/catering/cars/house for a house party (you said a party at someone's house so assume you don't mean yours or?) or have you just assumed they will? If you've just assumed they'll give up their time and money to do that, and not budgeted for those things because of that, that's a bit selfish. I think you should both invite your parents, or elope.

Sorry posting from a different account as my phone just died while typing out my reply.

Thank you for the messages, they've been really helpful to read and to see what and why my feelings are what they are, and to consider the impact on my OH's parents more. That they are being punished for my divorce and my good but 'complicated' relationships with my parents.

To answer specifics. I forgot to mention (sorry for drip feeding) that the the planned wedding would be in Canada as that is where we will be living next year. My reference to the UK was if we did it between then and now. I will consider flights and hotel for his parents his to come, though his mothers ill-health may prevent this. But this would make my Mum FURIOUS!!! Whereas she would accept friends only better. So I can see I've been a bit of a coward by denying his parents to appease my own.

I would prefer to just elope or go to a registry office with two witnesses but my OH wants a proper wedding and the conservatory and friends is the compromise, he says he would find a registry office shameful as though it's not a real marriage. A church, and my parents (which I've realised is a much bigger deal then I thought it was prior to this thread*) would be an ordeal for me and I'm not prepared to put myself through it even to make my OH and his parents happy. If it's a choice between that and not getting married (which I'm fine with, I just want us to be together and have a family, and I was very firm that I would never getting married again when I met him so this is also a bit of a comprise though it something I now would like aswell).

As for his parents knowing, he told them and I would have preferred for him to not have just yet but they asked unlike mine who wriggle but not outright lie too. As they speak another language and live in another country I feel (though maybe incorrectly) that it's a totally different and separate world. I think they are ok as they never expected my OH to ever get married (he always swore that he wouldn't) and his was quite the wild child (they're lucky he's not dead), but of course they would love a big wedding.

*Again sorry if this feels like more drip feeding. During the separation I cut off all contact with all of my family as I couldn't deal with their (particularly my mothers) feelings as well as my own (I pretty much had a breakdown). I did threphy to keep me on course and through this I unpicked that my mother had raised me to have zero boundaries and be an emotional carer to her, which I then was to my ex-husband (and felt very angry about at the time), and that I was raised in anxiety and uncertainly about what I should do, go, be etc. both because of my mothers needs and my Dad having very firm principles (above all else duty, and feelings/emotions being 'nonsense') but these were mostly unwritten rules of which he was never guilty of breaking (despite fucking up immensely on multiple occasions, and also being quite emotional). Both are good people but they are flawed as people are, particularly as they both had difficult upbringings (abusive, and colonial military). Since then I have been rebuilding my relationships with them, boundaries with my Mum, and a lack of care of what he thinks (though I still obviously do) with my Dad. They are now not quite what they'd like but very good, and I do many things for them either that they need or to bring them joy.

But I am much less willing to do things just to make others happy, whereas before I always put everyone's else's needs and feelings totally above my own, expecting that one day I may earn how I wish to be treated or meet approval, and then got it wrong or was torn between people and disappointed anyway.

This has made me selfish and I am aware of this (but not always the consequences on others), but happy, which is the first time in my life that I have consistently been and I am prepared to accept being selfish if that is the price of my own happiness. This has a lot to do with my OH who treats me like a goddess, which is why I want to make him happy but on this there is only so far I feel I can budge. I don't want to dread my own wedding day and put on fake smiles.

I'm reminded by my threapist talking to me about how we can go from one extreme to another, from fully overlapping 'islands' (living entirely for/with someone else) to wildly separate islands (totally independent) when we readjust but that something in the middle is more healthy.

In light of all this I'm seeing the following options for his parents...

1. Invite them to Canada for the conservatory wedding
2. Have a blessing and/or reception in Croatia

And for mine...

1. Either invite them as well and just deal with it
2. Not invite them and tell them why eek!

I think your idea is horrible and hurtful to all who would usually be considered part of the bridal party except yourself, sorry OP.

You would benefit from counselling to get over your apparent shame at your previous marriage breaking down. Clearly it’s messed with your head to the extent you haven’t realised how damaged you are from it. Could you even be marrying this guy to somehow replace the bad marriage so you can then forget about it, rather than processing your feelings first?

If you don’t want to have parents at your wedding party then you’d be better having a registry wedding with just both sets of parents as witnesses and a meal. Use Covid as an excuse and do it now. With a second big party later for friends. And a blessing or another wedding in Croatia if that’s what he wants.

It’s not just about you OP. This will be the only wedding he will ever have and it’s selfish if you to railroad his wishes just because you’ve had a wedding prior. He’s not and he deserves to have his wedding his way as much as you.

I would prefer to just elope or go to a registry office with two witnesses but my OH wants a proper wedding and the conservatory and friends is the compromise, he says he would find a registry office shameful as though it's not a real marriage.

Well, that's kind of his hang-up, isn't it? My then-partner (now DH) would have liked some giant nonsense extravaganza with everyone we've ever met present, but that is not me. He was the one pushing the marriage, so I told him the terms on which I would do it (registry office, two witnesses) -- I would have preferred not to marry at all, but to replicate as much as possible the legalities with a solicitor.

Tell him that if he wants to be married to you, you aren't wasting headspace on family invitations and either/ors. The conservatory compromise clearly doesn't work for you either.

But I'm also picking up a smidgeon of reluctance to commit publicly as if you're saying least fuss now, less embarrassment when we split up

You'd be correct, I was totally humiliated and I don't want to be again, it will not be the same (it just can't be, and I don't think it should be).

My first wedding I truly believed that we would be together 'until death do us part' and then I stayed and stayed and worked and worked through his redundancy, long term un/underemployment, depression, horrible sex that I didn't want, adultery, forced polyamory, gaslighting etc.

This time round I am wholeheartedly committed to my OH and any family that we have, but also to myself. I accept all of his flaws (and he mine) and that our relationship will change with children, age, and what life throws at us. But I will not stay no matter what, if the other less remembered vows of 'I promise to love, cherish and honor' are not kept

As for the clock, I went through the process of accepting that I wouldn't 'never' have children first while I was with my ex, and then again but even more so after we separated. My OH made me want them again

If you've just assumed they'll give up their time and money to do that, and not budgeted for those things because of that, that's a bit selfish

Yes I have just assumed. I will ask them once we start actually planning this thing and I'm quite sure they would delighted, our friendship group is just like that and it's nothing I wouldn't or haven't done an equivalent for them. If not then we'll pay or go without.

Your plan makes more sense given your update.

However what it says to me is that you're not ready to remarry yet. You are still picking over your divorce and your parents' role in it. Fair enough. If you are at the stage where you can give your parents the message that they are excluded from your wedding and then happily weather the ensuing storm, do it. But the fact that you're posting about it here suggests you're not.

If you want the most "unwedding like Wedding", just go the 2 of you, somewhere quiet, find a couple of witnesses, it will be "A Register Office", unlike folk who think you can get married in a "Registry Office, or another licence venue.

That’s so very hurtful to your parents. I could never do that. Please reconsider.

I would be so hurt as a parent not to be included