To have a friends only wedding and to have not told my parent yet!

[abstractprojection]

This will be my second wedding but my OH’s first. He would like to have a Big Fat Croatian wedding complete with church, flags, flares, lots of guests, and all the family.

I don’t want this...

I still feel quite a lot of embarrassment over dragging my entire family into a church to watch me make a vow to man that I then divorced. My ex was the one who broke the vows and none of my family is anything other then happy that I left him, so that’s not an issue, but I still feel some... loss of pride I guess and the idea of doing it again makes me cringe. I want to be married to my OH but I’d like the least weddinglike wedding.

Logistically my parents are separated and hosting both separately in Croatia would mean me being stretched between the two in the run up, having to pick between the two or disappoint one of them at some point. Also due to cost they won’t be able to bring their friends and have their own table/crew like I did at my first which was a good solution. Getting married in the UK instead would be even more expensive in terms of flights and hotels as his family is much bigger then mine. My mum was also a bit of a motherofthebridezilla to the point that the chef almost walked out on my last one

There’s also a bit of I’m not sure how happy my parents will be to see me get married again. They love and approve of my OH but it was a bad divorce and they don’t want to see me hurt again. Both made me promise to not do anything ‘rash’ this summer which we spent in Croatia ie. get married. But we want to start trying for a family and though being married or not doesn’t really matter at-least not to me anymore, it does to him and I don’t think he should be punished for my ex’s crimes by being denied that. And yes I’m a romantic at heart, I do want to marry him.

Anyway the solution I’ve come up with is to have a casual friends only wedding next year Covid allowing.

I’ve found out that the tropical conservatory we had our fifth date in (and where we became official) does weddings. It is reasonably priced, and allows you to bring your own drinks and nibbles (as long as someone is assigned to stop the birds from eating them). It’s a 2 hour slot in the evening with 30 guests max, so we’d invite our friends who would also do the photography, catering and cars (I have friends I would invite anyway that can do all of these) and then have a house party afterwards at someone’s. Yes we’re mid to late 30s and still house party

This is something that I’m emotionally comfortable with, will cost very little (so more of our savings can go on our future home and an amazing honeymoon), and for me will be about our future life together: our friends (who are an amazing crew) and where we live.

At first my OH was disappointed but he’s come round and is now excited about the idea (maybe the money saving aspect more then anything else) but ultimately he just wants to get married and if this is what I want then so be it. He’s mentioned it to his family and they are fine, they just want to see us get married and produce grandchildren, but would like a nice family meal to celebrate when we next come back.

I haven’t raised it with my family yet which is a bit as we’re picking rings out next week! I’m thinking of just informing them sooner to the date which means we’ll have been living together for three years and they’ll have had another year to get use to the idea and for my divorce to be further in the past. But they won’t choke on their tea when they see pics on Facebook like surprise!

I mean I’m 32 years old I don’t think I need their permission or blessing, and I’m not expecting them to pay for it or any subsequent fallout if it goes tits up (I paid for my divorce myself despite offers of help). I’m sure my Mum will be disappointed to miss out on being mother of the bride again, she did enjoy it (a bit too much), but if OH’s parents are fine to go without fuss for their first born sons first wedding then I think she should be too.

AIBU to have a friends only wedding?
AIBU to have not informed my family yet?

Second time for both os us, arranged Gretna Green, just us and the 4 DKs, 2 mortgages, took years to save up, DH mentioned to his M, we were just quietly getting married, she went into one, said we couldnt get married without her, (she had actually walked out and left her H and small kids years before) she's a bully, we lost our deposit at Gretna, then booked 3 more "Register Offices", and places for a meal, lost our deposits on every single one, because she told uncle Tom cobbling and all, and they all had to be invited, I didn't have "my" wedding, I had hers, I wish to God, we had just gone to Gretna and done what WE wanted.

So you're excluding them to save them or you embarrassment... But in doing so are willing to hurt them?

It doesn't make sense. You need to address your shame. There's no shame in getting divorced, your own parents are separated so they can hardly judge you.

Once you feel more confident in owning your divorce and new engagement, then you need to tell your parents and invite them. If they don't come or are funny about it, then so be it that's their problem. But hiding it from them and hurting their feelings isn't a good solution. I think you'll always have some feeling of shame surrounding your new wedding until you come to terms with your divorce properly.

Yes I do, as that’s what families do. I do lots of things for them to protect their feelings. We support and love each other and have a wonderful relationship, I know it’s not the norm for MN (ironic for a parenting site) but me and my family actually like each other and want to spend time together, especially on milestone events! Shock!!

But in the scenario I outlined, your adult child specifically doesn't want you to be at their wedding for their own strongly-felt reasons. So you are actually saying you would force your presence on them against their wishes because 'that's what families do'?

@StuntPond I just can’t imagine my kids not wanting me there. We are very close and love and respect each other. So it’s hard to answer as it simply would never happen in the same way I would never marry without my parents.

Just because you don’t like your family it doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t!!

[quote Penguinnn]@StuntPond I just can’t imagine my kids not wanting me there. We are very close and love and respect each other. So it’s hard to answer as it simply would never happen in the same way I would never marry without my parents.

Just because you don’t like your family it doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t!![/quote]
Some of us DO like our families though - I do - but I’d still have a friends only wedding if I wanted one. Ultimately my wishes are the most important. I actually rang my mum and told her about this thread and asked what she’d do if I got married without telling or inviting her and she said that if that’s the kind of wedding I wanted she’d be happy for me. She’s always told me to do whatever makes me happy and that’s how I live my life. Life’s too short to be putting other people before yourself all the time

@Staringpoodleplottingrottie everyone’s different I guess, it would never happen in my family or extended family but everyone’s different. Of course if my children really didn’t want me there I’d have to accept that but I can’t say I wouldn’t be hurt!

YABU, excluding loving parents where there is no estrangement.

I just can’t imagine my kids not wanting me there. We are very close and love and respect each other. So it’s hard to answer as it simply would never happen in the same way I would never marry without my parents.

Just because you don’t like your family it doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t!!

I'm extremely fond of my family, and talk to my parents most days. I still wanted a wedding with two witnesses and no guests. Fortunately, they are not the kind of people to wail 'If you loved me, you'd invite me to your wedding!' Being reasonable types, they understand that people must prioritise their own needs and wishes, and that one person's priority is not another's.

To not invite your parents is a really scummy idea and maybe you need reminding that the wedding isn't all about you. Your DP is entitled to have what he wants too.

@Crankley

To not invite your parents is a really scummy idea and maybe you need reminding that the wedding isn't all about you. Your DP is entitled to have what he wants too.

Weddings literally are all about the people getting married though. Yes in this case the husband has other ideas but where’s this unbreakable rule that you MUST have your parents at your wedding? I’m sure people will say “tradition” “that’s just what you do” but why? Just because that’s what many people do doesn’t mean everyone has to conform to it or that it’s a snub. Maybe some people just want to be around their friends, that’s not a snub it’s just wanting a different dynamic

It’s threads like this that remind me just how odd MN is and I really hope not a good representation of society.

Weddings literally are all about the people getting married though. Yes in this case the husband has other ideas but where’s this unbreakable rule that you MUST have your parents at your wedding? I’m sure people will say “tradition” “that’s just what you do” but why? Just because that’s what many people do doesn’t mean everyone has to conform to it or that it’s a snub.

This. DH and I are very fond of our parents, but for very good reasons wanted a hassle-free wedding without them present. Not a snub, no one got exercised over it, and it caused not so much as a minor speedbump in family relations, which continue cordial.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having no guests at all at the wedding, if that's what you want to do.

Excluding your parents, who have, in an ideal world brought you up, love you more than anyone else, and have been there for you through the good and the bad seems unkind to me.

That should say, excluding parents but inviting other guests, sorry.