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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

relationship

135 replies

Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:34

So my partner and I have been dating for a year and a half we've had a lovely relationship he's truly the man if my dreams.
He's got a son who is 4 with his ex which was a very bad relationship she is an absolute psychopath and I was told to stay away right from the start she's even filed false police accusations against him.

So shes found out that we're dating and has decided to damage my partners car and cause drama between us to the stage she was telling her son he's got a new mummy and daddy doesn't want his mummy .
Honestly I could go on she's been racist to me on several occasions and his son has said some things too .

I've always respected his got a son but she's now using him to damage our relationship, im now pregnant and im trying to make a safe drama free home.

I've told my partner i don't want anything to do with his child and mother , I expressed this to him before I got pregnant.
Its not to spite the child but its to protect the family we have especially now we have a child of colour on the way .

I've told him to make a choice between him reconnecting with his son after a while on his mother's conditions or this family he has

Am I being unreasonable ,any solutions or suggestions would be welcome.

OP posts:
CoRhona · 21/08/2020 22:36

Completely unreasonable.

Imagine a future partner telling you it was him or your child Hmm

paperandfireworks · 21/08/2020 22:38

Some Jeremy Kyle level BS going on.

Disgusting telling him to chose between his children.

Happygogoat · 21/08/2020 22:39

Yes YABU, you cannot give someone an ultimatum that means losing their child.

It sounds dreadful what the ex is causing and yes you have to keep your home safe but these children will be half siblings and you should do what you can to foster a positive relationship, not cut that boy out just because daddy has a new baby and his mummy has some issues. That child will be a damaged adult one day if so.

The drama and psycho habits can't last forever but your partner is a father to this boy, and that will be forever. Would you want him to ditch your child in any circumstance, no matter how extreme?

takenbywine · 21/08/2020 22:40

He is only 4! Yabu. Please don't try to make your partner choose between you+ unborn and his son. This will backfire in the future. And as the pp pointed out, how would you feel if a different partner in the future didn't want your dc?

Tohaveandtohold · 21/08/2020 22:43

Ofcourse yabu, your partner is the father of this child, just as much as he is a father to yours. Why would you tell him to choose between you and his child.
Ofcourse he needs to find a way of stopping the drama from his ex but you are mean to consider stopping him from seeing his child. He’s only 4 ffs

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2020 22:43

Are you serious? Your boyfriend has two children, he’s not going to cut off the one who’s already here in favour on the one you’re pregnant with.

Obviously too late now but did you think a man who you say has a psycho ex (how original) and an apparently racist 4 year old Hmm was the bet for the father of your child? After less than 18 months?

Are you quite young?

And what did he say when you told him to pretend he doesn’t have his child? Your new baby doesn’t trump his existing family.

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:44

I have a child to protect at the end of the day hia mother needs to know where we live and his whereabouts at the end of the day if its a situation i have to leave i will but I will not stop him from seeing his aon I'd rather not have the house in living in with my newborn constantly under threat.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2020 22:45

Who is threatening your baby?

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:46

We've had windows put through, cars damaged and the rest and I doubt his ex is going to automatically turn sane once our child is here

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Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 21/08/2020 22:47

YABVU. There is something really wrong with you to issue such a ridiculous ultimatum. If he's got any sense he'll dump you. Baby or no baby. Expecting him to disown his 4 yr old child. That's low.

MeredithGreysScalpel · 21/08/2020 22:48

I really hope this isn’t real. That poor 4 year old.

DrManhattan · 21/08/2020 22:48

He can't unchoose his own child.

What if he moves on and does this to you and your baby in the future?

I am always suspicious of men who say they have a 'pyscho' ex.

LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 22:51

@Mango1p1

We've had windows put through, cars damaged and the rest and I doubt his ex is going to automatically turn sane once our child is here
So move and your partner gets a rental or takes his son at his parents on his days or something rather than disclosing a new address. Also at 4, you can teach his son the wrongs of racism with age appropriate books etc rather than leaving him to wills of a psychopath mum. Or your partner could try and go for full custody.
OhYeahYouSuck · 21/08/2020 22:51

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Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:52

To anyone who's saying what if it was my child .
My responsibility lies with my baby at the end of the day .
Im sure you'd be concerned if your windows were being put in , threats of burning down your house with your child in it

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 22:53

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Watermelontea · 21/08/2020 22:54

The 4YO isn’t a threat though, and even if he decided to abandon his other child, do you seriously think his ex would be like ‘Ah, I’ll just leave them alone!’ Hmm

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:54

LouiseTrees
She refuses to give access to him unless she knows where he is at all times.
Which makes the situation alot more difficult

OP posts:
LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 22:54

@Mango1p1

To anyone who's saying what if it was my child . My responsibility lies with my baby at the end of the day . Im sure you'd be concerned if your windows were being put in , threats of burning down your house with your child in it
Already gave you the solution in my last post re where he could have contact.
FlumpetCrumpet · 21/08/2020 22:54

If that's the case then you need to sort it out through the proper channels, contact the police about the smashing of the windows, get a solicitor to sort out contact with the son etc. You can't expect any decent parent to walk away from their child because things are difficult, if they do then are not a decent parent.

LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 22:55

@Mango1p1

LouiseTrees She refuses to give access to him unless she knows where he is at all times. Which makes the situation alot more difficult
Yep and he doesn’t need to be in your home. He can be anywhere as I just said!
LovingLola · 21/08/2020 22:56

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Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:57

I've come to ask for advice with a genuine concern but ok

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 21/08/2020 22:59

The child is young wanting to know where it is during contact isn’t that odd. Your child doesn’t trump their child I am not sure why you would think it does.
How old are you?

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:59

yet im the bad person I expressed this to him from the start he also had a choice to leave but no he proceeded to get a home with me and start a family

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