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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

relationship

135 replies

Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:34

So my partner and I have been dating for a year and a half we've had a lovely relationship he's truly the man if my dreams.
He's got a son who is 4 with his ex which was a very bad relationship she is an absolute psychopath and I was told to stay away right from the start she's even filed false police accusations against him.

So shes found out that we're dating and has decided to damage my partners car and cause drama between us to the stage she was telling her son he's got a new mummy and daddy doesn't want his mummy .
Honestly I could go on she's been racist to me on several occasions and his son has said some things too .

I've always respected his got a son but she's now using him to damage our relationship, im now pregnant and im trying to make a safe drama free home.

I've told my partner i don't want anything to do with his child and mother , I expressed this to him before I got pregnant.
Its not to spite the child but its to protect the family we have especially now we have a child of colour on the way .

I've told him to make a choice between him reconnecting with his son after a while on his mother's conditions or this family he has

Am I being unreasonable ,any solutions or suggestions would be welcome.

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/08/2020 00:13

If this thread is real, you're both disgusting. The 4 year old will probably want nothing to do with you when he's older.

backseatcookers · 22/08/2020 00:17

@Mango1p1

If property damage and windows being put in police being constantly called is not psychopath behaviour i don't know what is
People are questioning this because if it was true, your boyfriend is letting his son live with this person instead of fighting for custody and waiting until that's sorted before having a baby with a relatively new girlfriend.

Do you not think the fact he is allowing his son to live with a "psycho" and criminal - in your words - shows clearly that he's a selfish and shitty father?

Hell would freeze over before I didn't fight for custody of a child living with a criminal psychopath. Yet your boyfriend is happy to let his son do so...

wildcherries · 22/08/2020 00:22

So many car crash threads on here at the moment.

You are being wholly unreasonable. That's an outrageous demand.

AIMD · 22/08/2020 00:33

It’s unreasonable to ask, and encourage, someone to reduce contact with their child when that child is living with a parent who, by yourself account, sounds unstable and dangerous.

Of course you need to keep yourself and the new baby safe...but stopping contact with his older child isn’t right. I couldn’t respect anyone who chose to break contact with their child in these circumstances.

Can you move and keep the address secret and then see his child as your partners parents house or somewhere else?

Are you contacting the police about the harassment. Could you get a restraining order of some type against her?

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/08/2020 00:45

I have to admit that I cannot understand why you planned a baby with this man given all that has happened.

However, it is what it is. But you saying that he must choose between his eldest child and its sibling that you are carrying is wrong, wrong, WRONG.

If she really is as bad as you say then the little boy needs his father more than ever. If you are set on this course of abandoning this child in favour of your own then you are not the kind of parent (step or otherwise) you should be.

Sorry, but there it is.

Timekeeper2 · 22/08/2020 03:15

I think you are being unreasonable with the ultimatum, but what I don't get is why you had a child with him, knowing what his ex is like? You said you had a miscarriage, so I take it you weren't on contraception? And he hasn't married you so no commitment there and it would be harder if you split up re protection of assets etc.

I think as soon as I saw what a psycho his ex was, I would have bolted for the road. Immediately. It isn't his fault. It's not your fault, or his son's fault. But it is for deciding to bring another child into this mess. You will never have peace as long as you are with him. Ever. Unless she is sectioned and locked up or receiving medication and therapy, this will be your life from now on. I'd rather chew broken glass and rub dog crap in my eyes at the same time, personally. Nothing could bring me to live like that. As I said it isn't your fault or his fault, but unless some authority does something about her, you will never get a single day's peace. As much as I might want to be with him, I would end it for my peace of mind and for his sake and his son's sake. Also, he will resent you for keeping him from his son and grow to resent the baby with you as well, as it will remind him of what he is losing with his son. And can you live with yourself, knowing you kept a father from a child's life? Eventually it will eat at you. It will eat at both of you. This has disaster written all over it.

Personally I would terminate the pregnancy and leave him. Start afresh. You will never have a happy home life with him because of his psycho ex, and I think you know that. Heartbreaking yes. But sometimes love isn't enough, some obstacles cannot be overcome due to circumstances beyond our control.

ClaraJude · 22/08/2020 06:21

Yes, totally unreasonable. You can’t expect a person to choose between their own children (hello Sophie’s Choice).

The ex sounds horrendous but you knew she existed before you both decided to have a baby. It’s not the 4 year old’s fault that his mother is a nightmare, and you can’t punish him for his mother’s behaviour when you chose to have a baby knowing what his ex was like.

If you can’t accept that the 4yo deserves the same access to and support from his dad that your husband has always had then you and your husband need to split up. That way, the ex is nothing to do with you, and your husband can preserve his relationship equally with both children.

OnceUponATimeInHollywood · 22/08/2020 07:05

YABU. You knew he had a child when you got with him. How would you like it if he broke up with you & the next missus told him he couldn't see the child he has with you? This won't work. Walk away now

Ohtherewearethen · 22/08/2020 07:26

Good grief. How do people live like this?
You are a disgrace, OP, and you are adding to this shower of shit by having another baby with a proven shit dad. I don't know what you are expecting in the long term but I bet you anything there'll be another woman in two or three years saying how their perfect man has two psycho exes.
I just can't believe that being a shit dad was one of your boxes to tick on the 'perfect man' checklist. Fuck me.
If even a word of this is true, naturally.

LouiseTrees · 22/08/2020 07:39

@Mango1p1

We've agreed to create a safer more happier environment for our child , he's taking a step back just as a safety precaution for the new baby until the courts can do something about it , i wanted to speak to some fresh minds and understand where most of u are coming from
That’s very different than permanently stopping seeing him but if I were you I’d still move! Also ... you seem to want someone to validate your decision. Sadly I don’t think anyone will. But, assuming the thread is real, what advice did you actually want? What did you want to hear people say?
Sargass0 · 22/08/2020 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BoggledBudgie · 22/08/2020 09:24

This reply has been deleted

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OhYeahYouSuck · 22/08/2020 11:41

@peachgreen

Christ I hope this is fake. Absolutely disgusting to expect him to abandon his son.
Apparently it's not 🙄
edwinbear · 22/08/2020 11:57

Children aren’t disposable OP. I cannot believe you are insisting he walks away from his DS. You’re going to make a great parent Angry

dontdisturbmenow · 22/08/2020 12:09

Why would you decide to bring a child in an unstable and s cording to you dangerous situation?

You seem to think you can replace in your heart s child for another one. You will find out when you have another, if you do, that I doesn't work like that.

He will (and should) always love his first as much as he will do his second.

Notapheasantplucker · 22/08/2020 12:17

Well aren't you a delight Hmm

knittingaddict · 22/08/2020 12:22

Apparently it's not

Not fake? I'm amazed.

GetThatHelmetOn · 22/08/2020 12:30

Honestly, instead of cutting the child off you need to cut yourself “off” (

MidnightCitrus · 22/08/2020 16:10

@Mango1p1

I think it's really hard if you really haven't experienced anything like this.

We've tried everything before reaching this extreme .

We need ti create a calm drama free environment for our new child aswel

Has your dp tried for custody through the courts? Surely if the mother is unstable it's not safe for the child?
OhYeahYouSuck · 22/08/2020 16:28

@knittingaddict

Apparently it's not

Not fake? I'm amazed.

MNHQ can see nothing to indicate it's not real 🙄. Doesn't actually mean it is though. Just that they are unwilling to do something about it.
Baileyscheesecake · 22/08/2020 16:38

Move so she doesn’t know where you live. He sees his son at neutral locations eg trips to the zoo, cinema, etc, holidays together at holiday locations. He doesn’t have to cut off all contact with his son.

FilthyforFirth · 22/08/2020 16:49

This will get deleted but you sound a truly vile person. If real I feel so sorry for the poor 4 year old child in the middle of this mess. Apparently, according to you, his father is the stable parent in his life and you think it right to stop him seeing him?

Dear god.

bg21 · 22/08/2020 16:53

your post and your replies actually make me feel sick!

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 22/08/2020 16:56

I highly doubt you've 'tried everything' or else there would be a properly court ordered routine in place for custody of the child, or a non-mol following all this apparently well-evidenced 'psycho' behaviour from the ex.

Personally, I really hope this isn't real, or else there's an endangered 4 year old boy out there who doesn't seem to have one single adult in his life who's on his side.

dwiz8 · 22/08/2020 17:00

Yabvvvvu

You cannot think your child is more important than his other child

How old are you? Because you sound like a child yourself

You're a disgrace and if your partner agrees to this he is a terrible father too: I hope you know if you split and he gets another partner how much he is willing to drop his kids to keep his new partner happy