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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

relationship

135 replies

Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 22:34

So my partner and I have been dating for a year and a half we've had a lovely relationship he's truly the man if my dreams.
He's got a son who is 4 with his ex which was a very bad relationship she is an absolute psychopath and I was told to stay away right from the start she's even filed false police accusations against him.

So shes found out that we're dating and has decided to damage my partners car and cause drama between us to the stage she was telling her son he's got a new mummy and daddy doesn't want his mummy .
Honestly I could go on she's been racist to me on several occasions and his son has said some things too .

I've always respected his got a son but she's now using him to damage our relationship, im now pregnant and im trying to make a safe drama free home.

I've told my partner i don't want anything to do with his child and mother , I expressed this to him before I got pregnant.
Its not to spite the child but its to protect the family we have especially now we have a child of colour on the way .

I've told him to make a choice between him reconnecting with his son after a while on his mother's conditions or this family he has

Am I being unreasonable ,any solutions or suggestions would be welcome.

OP posts:
VeniceQueen2004 · 21/08/2020 23:14

My problem here isn't the cgild it's what his mother causes for us

But it's the child you want to punish by cutting him off from his father.

Bollocks. You don't care about the child. You chose a man with a child because you wanted the man, now you have a child of your own on the way you a t to play happy families and cut away the stray threads of his past. You are transparent.

backseatcookers · 21/08/2020 23:14

I wouldn't have had a child with someone in such a toxic dynamic. You chose to. Man of your dreams? Really? What a low bar. If this is real then every adult in that little boys life is letting him down. If she's a violent psychopath then your 'D'P should be pursuing sole custody with the aim of his violent psychopathic mother only having appropriate supervised visitation. The fact that isn't happening suggests the man of your dreams is happy to badmouth her and call her a psycho but is also happy for her to continue doing the bulk of the childcare because it suits you two. Nice.

LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 23:14

@Mango1p1

boy have we tried ive personally said the boy would be better off in our custody with his dad. My problem here isn't the cgild it's what his mother causes for us.
Also another question. So the mother keyed a car her child was in/about to go in? Any other damage- like she made it unsafe for her child?
Hormonecrazyhell · 21/08/2020 23:14

Just wow!
Simply he goes to court to sorts the issues with ex. Gets police involved if and when needed.
You shouldn’t make your bf pick, if he did pick you and abandoned his own child, how could you love and respect someone like that. Knowing your child could be next on the chopping block.
It’s disgusting behaviour all round.

Merryoldgoat · 21/08/2020 23:15

Oh good. Another baby being brought into a dysfunctional mess.

You should not be pregnant after a fucking YEAR of being with a bloke who has a child already.

You’re daft to be with someone who is tied to a toxic ex.

You’re vile to say you want nothing to do with his child.

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 23:15

I cause no issues for him .
He's chose to bring a child into a more stable relationship than the one he was previously in ,he dosent prioritise this child .

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/08/2020 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VeniceQueen2004 · 21/08/2020 23:17

Bacause you can't prioritise one child over another based on how good a girl their respective mothers are. FFS.

longtimecomin · 21/08/2020 23:20

OMG you are being totally unreasonable, they come as a package, that poor boy being stuck with you in his life now. Grim

LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 23:20

@Mango1p1

I cause no issues for him . He's chose to bring a child into a more stable relationship than the one he was previously in ,he dosent prioritise this child .
Look. You are not talking anyone round. We all know it takes two to tango but 100 percent of people think you are being super unreasonable. I know it’s hard but you push through, you do the things I suggested and as long as no one actually gets hurt then it keeps going like that.
gottastopeatingchocolate · 21/08/2020 23:21

If you have all the evidence of criminal damage and racist abuse, then you (or both of you) apply to the courts for a restraining order or non-molestation order. Then partner goes to family court and applies for a Child Arrangements Order, laying out exactly when he sees his first born, and setting out safe ways of handover, such as a public place with cctv or a third party.

You can't cut the first child out of his dad's life, or ask your partner to choose between you/second child and first child. You can, if you choose, sit back from the relationships between first child and dad/second child. But you need to facilitate those relationships.

As for the racist comments from the child - he is 4. It sounds, from what you say, that he is repeating things he hears with his mum. It is up to you and your partner to gently correct the things he says. It isn't his fault or responsibility at that age. It is sad if his mum is influencing him, but you and your partner can counteract that.

backseatcookers · 21/08/2020 23:21

@Mango1p1

I cause no issues for him . He's chose to bring a child into a more stable relationship than the one he was previously in ,he dosent prioritise this child .
More stable? Pregnant a year in while he still has so much drama with his ex and a poor little boy caught in the crossfire? You realise that him allowing his child to live with a woman he claims is a psycho who does violent stuff and commits crimes like vandalism makes him a shit dad yes? That a decent dad would be fighting for custody rather than getting a new girlfriend pregnant? You've all been irresponsible and utterly selfish. Doesn't bode well for good parenting decisions really doesn't it.
Giespeace · 21/08/2020 23:23

Whenever I’m feeling less than forgiving/loving/accepting of my husbands daughter and the drama/stress/annoyance she sometimes brings to our lives, I stop myself in my tracks and imagine how I would feel if DH and I split and some other woman thought those things about my DS. That’s what keeps me in check at times.

A step child is, after all Someone Else’s Child. You don’t get a say in how they are parented. You don’t live they like your own any more than they love you like their own parent. And yet you have to live with them a lot of the time, unlike all the other Someone Else’s Children of the world. Their other parents behaviour has the power to cast enormous light or shade across your entire existence, if you let it. It’s complicated.
But at the very heart of all this nonsense, is an innocent 4 year old child who deserves so much better. How could you bring yourself to love a man who could easily walk away from his 4 year old child because his mothers behaviour his atrocious??

KnackeredHag · 21/08/2020 23:24

If you are determined to be with this man (which I think you are, regardless) then break the mould. Be a role model for your child and their half sibling. Be the bigger person and set an example of what a fully functioning and healthy relationship looks like. Ignore the drama and dysfunctionality of other people and teach both children that they can exist with different parents and still be decent human beings, regardless of the circumstance.

LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 23:33

@KnackeredHag

If you are determined to be with this man (which I think you are, regardless) then break the mould. Be a role model for your child and their half sibling. Be the bigger person and set an example of what a fully functioning and healthy relationship looks like. Ignore the drama and dysfunctionality of other people and teach both children that they can exist with different parents and still be decent human beings, regardless of the circumstance.
Omg. This! This is what everyone wanted to say but didn’t!
Sirzy · 21/08/2020 23:35

You class this as a stable relationship!?

I assume you have logged every incident with the police?

I assume he is fighting for custody of his child rather than leaving him with someone supposedly so volatile?

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 23:37

I think it's really hard if you really haven't experienced anything like this.

We've tried everything before reaching this extreme .

We need ti create a calm drama free environment for our new child aswel

OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/08/2020 23:39

But you didn't try not getting pregnant.

Why do you think it's a sensible idea to bring a baby into this mess?

Sirzy · 21/08/2020 23:39

But he has two children. Both children deserve to have a safe and stable home. You can’t just sacrifice one child for the sake of another

LouiseTrees · 21/08/2020 23:42

@Mango1p1

I think it's really hard if you really haven't experienced anything like this.

We've tried everything before reaching this extreme .

We need ti create a calm drama free environment for our new child aswel

Not saying you don’t but if your new child is never around the older child then they aren’t the one experiencing the drama! What you mean is you don’t want to hear the drama from your man! Even if he stops seeing his child his ex will still be after him. I’m sorry but you are just in the wrong about the kid.
Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/08/2020 23:44

I mean, most people wouldn't be in this situation because anyone with half a brain wouldn't get pregnant in this situation.

Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 23:47

Waxonwaxoff0

We made that decision ourselves after i suffered a miscarriage with our first child it was just us in our home and after that trauma we looked at moving forward the problem isn't me and him .
So that's an invalid statement

OP posts:
Someone9 · 21/08/2020 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aceofspades987 · 21/08/2020 23:49

@Giespeace

Whenever I’m feeling less than forgiving/loving/accepting of my husbands daughter and the drama/stress/annoyance she sometimes brings to our lives, I stop myself in my tracks and imagine how I would feel if DH and I split and some other woman thought those things about my DS. That’s what keeps me in check at times. A step child is, after all Someone Else’s Child. You don’t get a say in how they are parented. You don’t live they like your own any more than they love you like their own parent. And yet you have to live with them a lot of the time, unlike all the other Someone Else’s Children of the world. Their other parents behaviour has the power to cast enormous light or shade across your entire existence, if you let it. It’s complicated. But at the very heart of all this nonsense, is an innocent 4 year old child who deserves so much better. How could you bring yourself to love a man who could easily walk away from his 4 year old child because his mothers behaviour his atrocious??
This
Original poster
Mango1p1 · 21/08/2020 23:50

Waxonwaxoff0
We're not going to stop living our lives because someone else is unstable, enjoys damaging property

OP posts:
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