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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:

IrishMamaMia · 21/08/2020 19:33

@ilovemydogandmrobama2 that's a great example of it working out well. Sounds like a fab night!

yolio · 21/08/2020 19:33

Brits can be a bit tight. Just thought I'd say that. We are close as a family, well not anymore.

I'd say that because my cousin never bought me a drink, not to mind anything else at his Dads funeral. That I had travelled overseas for and paid for a hotel didn't register.

A glass of wine would have been welcomed, but no.

Disgusted from Dublin. I hope it is not typical.

BraveGoldie · 21/08/2020 19:33

I haven't done this but don't see the problem.

If it's a frequent meet up and everybody hosts, then one can assume the costs would even out. But as an infrequent event (once or twice a year), its more reasonable that it is seen as a joint event, which is happening at somebody's house. In that case, one person is already going to all the effort cost..... so why should they also have the financial cost? (If anything the cost could be divided between the non hosting folk to thank the host for the efforts of cooing and making their house available.

So it's not really "oh I want a dinner party so will host my friends"

It's more: "there's an annual group event which needs somewhere to be. I don't mind lending my house and doing the cooking effort, but just as we would in a restaurant, let's split the cost"

I think now - when meeting in restaurants is riskier COVID-wise - allowing your house to be the venue is a nice thing to do, that shouldn't necessarily come with bearing the cost?

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 19:33

I would ask if she's hard up and offer her cash. If, I could afford it.
A: I'm happy to cook, is everyone happy to split the cost?
B: yeah sure
Op: hey A, are you skint at the moment?

A: erm no, just thought it seemed fair to solid it
Op: look, I'm happy to pay if you're right for money but otherwise it's only polite they you pay.
A: oh erm right. Let's just not bother eh.
B: hey A let's catch up the following week
Op: I'll have gone back by then
B: exactly

Tooshytoshine · 21/08/2020 19:34

It's weird. I'd pay it and not make an issue though. Maybe it has just become the norm in the group during covid as meals out are now a bit meh...

We do a thing where as we live out of the city, we provide all good and drink (ie: don't bring owt) as our friends will pay taxis to get home whereas we will just crawl upstairs...

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 19:34

@ilovemydogandmrobama2

Last year for NYE, friends of our decided to have a dinner party and NYE party. Background is that it's friends of DH who have been friends for 20 years or so, and for the most part, it's the same people who are in the inner circle.

We were asked to contribute £30 each for the meal, and tbh didn't think it was an issue. They spent quite a bit of time sorting out the meal and organising it all, so to turn up and have a meal is such a luxury.

The meal itself was OK, but oh my god there was so much alcohol...

That's quite different from a small group of 4 friends, though and just the dinner.

lyralalala · 21/08/2020 19:37

They obviously started it for a reason and the OP isn't privvy to that.

Asking if the friend is hard up and offering cash is as rude as fuck and will likely be the end of the OP being included in anything.

Didkdt · 21/08/2020 19:38

It's likely a thing they do as a group. Possibly started when their kids were younger and they were on maternity etc and it's normal for them. It may be something started by one of the spouses.
There's going to be a reason why it started.
If you enjoy the evenings then go with the flow.

NotTerfNorCis · 21/08/2020 19:39

This happened to someone I know. She and her husband went to stay with friends for a few days; everything went fine. A couple of days after they left, they received an itemised bill for all the food they'd eaten, and I think something related to the baby as well. This lady isn't English and neither were the people she was staying with, but she was really shocked and she asked me if it was the custom in England. I said no!

FilthyforFirth · 21/08/2020 19:39

I think this is super weird. We do this as a friendship group but once a year at Christmas as we go totally overboard and so just split the cost regardless of who is hosting. But normal coming round for dinner? Nope. YANBU.

yolio · 21/08/2020 19:39

If you cannot afford to host, forget it and go to the local restaurant/pub.

Talk about being tight.

Lurchermom · 21/08/2020 19:43

We have one friend who does this, we just tend to take the mick. Or now we tend to contribute a dish or bottle or wine and when the money conversation cones up it becomes so farcical trying to work out who owes what we always decide "it probably balances out". Literally no one else charges when we go for dinner at each others. It's not that he's skint either!
I just laugh about it now, during lock down when we could meet in the garden he suggested we camp so I asked what the pitch cost was totally went over his head, but brought me joy.

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 19:44

@yolio

If you cannot afford to host, forget it and go to the local restaurant/pub.

Talk about being tight.

Maybe they can’t afford the local? If they eat out it’s £30+

If they stay in it’s a tenner.

lyralalala · 21/08/2020 19:47

People having a pop at the host are missing that it may not be that specific host that can't afford it.

There is probably someone in the group who can't afford to eat out or host (or there was at some point) so they've got into this habit as it keeps their friend part of their group without feeling awkward.

We did it because two of the group couldn't host, however the friend who suggested it had a friendship group who did it because one of the group was in an abusive relationship. The friend could pull together £10 every other month, but couldn't afford to eat out or host. It kept their friend from feeling like a leech and kept her in their friendship group despite her husband's attempts to isolate her.

There will be a reason they've gone down that road as a group.

yolio · 21/08/2020 19:53

No way out for me.

There is no way I would accept an invitation to ANYONE'S house if asked to pay for it. Would always bring a gift or two voluntarily, but will not go anywhere if cash contributions to the host are obligatory.

To be fair most people do not do this.

Catandkittens · 21/08/2020 19:55

YANBU. This has happened to me a couple of times and each time I've thought it was odd. I couldn't imagine inviting people over and then charging them. If I couldn't afford to buy food and drink for people I wouldn't have them over, I'd suggest going out so I was just paying for my own meal.

SentientAndCognisant · 21/08/2020 19:56

I take something if I’m going to friend house eg wine,a dessert
Never Money, I’ve never been asked to

plplz · 21/08/2020 19:57

Verrry weird.

If they cannot afford to host I get it, but don't ask for cash. Host a pot luck party.
Also most civilised people won't show up empty handed.

Hardtotell · 21/08/2020 20:00

How is it different from eating out and all chipping in your share? Or all ordering a takeaway and dividing up the bill. People may appear comfortably off but you just can’t tell. Perhaps there’s a reason why they don’t rotate around each other’s houses which would mean the most regular host pays disproportionately. Yeah it’s not traditional but things move on.

AriadneCrete · 21/08/2020 20:00

I would find it really bloody weird. I’m late 20s and would never dream of asking people to pay for a meal at mine nor have any of my friends ever charged for me for a meal at theirs! I have even been known to pay for a takeaway for everyone if I’m hosting and can’t be bothered to cook.

I think it’s perfectly normal to bring a bottle of wine or a pudding round to whoever is hosting. Asking for cash is weird.

gingerbeerandlemonade · 21/08/2020 20:01

God! How mad. If you were travelling to see me then I would be buying extra treats for you for your trouble of coming all this way. They are being unreasonable and frankly, embarrassing. I wouldn't bother going tbh or offer to bring a dish or bottle instead of paying. Or gently remind them of the cost of travel for you.

yolio · 21/08/2020 20:02

Very sad to hear this might be happening. Honestly just stay at home and forget about everything else. No on will respect you for asking for money.

mrsmummy1111 · 21/08/2020 20:05

This is the most bizarre and embarrassing thing I've ever heard. Do they literally split it to the penny? "Everyone owes me £5.44"??????

mrsmummy1111 · 21/08/2020 20:06

Don't listen to people asking if you take enough drink for everyone @Itswindytoday that's fucking ridiculous. Of course you don't. IN NO WAY are you doing anything wrong in this scenario

Chezacheza · 21/08/2020 20:08

@yolio

Very sad to hear this might be happening. Honestly just stay at home and forget about everything else. No on will respect you for asking for money.

What a sheltered life you must lead..

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