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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
Delatron · 21/08/2020 19:04

I guess what I meant was if you may be able to afford a cheap meal out when you’re just paying for yourself but buying all food and wine to host can be more ££
But yes if you can’t afford to host then maybe just go out for a few drinks no food.

Bubbletrouble43 · 21/08/2020 19:05

Just a thought that occurred to me... Is it possible that a member of the group has been taking the piss long term by accepting hospitality and not hosting in return, and this new way of doing things is the other members of the groups way of levelling things out?

Bubbletrouble43 · 21/08/2020 19:06

@Delatron yes I see what you mean. Depends what sort of establishment they usually visit. Think she may be hard up myself.

lyralalala · 21/08/2020 19:09

If 2 people in a group of 4 have suggested the same thing then it's clearly what they do as a group.

The only rude thing would be to start getting snarky about what they do. Either join them, and their way, or decline. It probably started for a reason that you are unaware of.

Whatever you do don't follow the passive aggressive suggestions of offering to cook for everyone at one of their houses. That would be spectacularly rude.

MrsKeats · 21/08/2020 19:10

It's not a thing; it's weird.

sunlight81 · 21/08/2020 19:13

I was asked to a surprise 40th Birthday party for someone I hadn't seen in 3years. I accepted as we were at one point very good friends and thought it would be nice to see her, catch up. Her work friends were organising it so I wouldn't have known anyone there, however they said a few of her family would be going.

Two weeks before I was given a cost breakdown and advised my contribution would be £15 per head (me and daughter going) however they couldn't guarantee vegan food (daughter was vegan).

Unfortunately I was unable to make the event in the end and it seems it was cancelled just a few days later as there was no mention of it on any social media (not the sort of person who wouldn't post at least something about a surprise party!!). I suspect that other invitees didn't like the cost either Hmm

MintyMabel · 21/08/2020 19:14

But my preference would definitely be to contribute food rather than cash!

What’s the difference?

pointythings · 21/08/2020 19:14

I'd always bring something - flowers/chocolate/wine, or with some close friends home baked goods that I know they love. But I wouldn't expect to pay, nor would I expect others to pay when I'm hosting.

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 19:16

@burnoutbabe

Does the food actually cost £40-£50 for the 5 if you? Is it 3 courses of food? I'd be wondering if they were making a profit off me (paying a share of a takeaway sounds fine, and there you get to pick what you want as well)
If you've been on MN a while, you'll soon know that people who do this are almost always on the take (other than students and the just starting out and young crowd) because people who are truly poor would be mortified to even suggest it.
Superfoodie123 · 21/08/2020 19:20

I have friends who are a couple and they do this, we would never charge anyone to be at our house. They earn more and do this. Its utterly humiliating handing the money over.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 19:21

Just to clarify a couple of things - I’m as sure as I can be that they’re not hard up. Jobs unaffected by COVID. We all lead similar comfortable lifestyles.

Also there is no expectation that we have to have a meal. We’ve had plenty of nights that have just involved wine and some crisps!

Also just for clarity, up until I moved away 5 years ago I always took my turn hosting - it’s not like I’ve never hosted them!

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/08/2020 19:21

It might be its just what they've decided to do amongst themselves during their regular meetings and its now just their habit and they haven't really thought it through?
Its something I'd expect if there were a lot more people and one person doing all the work, not just for five of you though. I can sort of see the logic in how it may have come about, because initially it sounds as if it was suggested to have it at someone's house because eating out bills were coming out quite high, and then someone said well why don't we split the cost? as perhaps then the host was still spending as much as they would have at the pub.?
So it is a little odd, but it may have just evolved that way.
Could that be it?
I can see why paying out cash feels odd and you spend the time and money on transport to see them, at their invitation.
Could you suggest that rather than have one person cooking you all order a take away and split that?.
Or as we used to, everyone brings a dish and something to drink. (Id offer to bring a cheese board due to transport) That way everyone has contributed but in a more equal way.

Puddstalk · 21/08/2020 19:22

We had friends for the weekend once - three couples - one couple insisted on cooking dinner one evening (even tho the menu had already been planned and shopped for) but they were so insistent that we just said ok - off he went shopping - when he returned he told us we all owed him £6.50 each (so £13 per couple) - to make matters worse it was a dreadful meal. Needless to say we never invited them again.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 19:22

@MintyMabel

But my preference would definitely be to contribute food rather than cash!

What’s the difference?

Psychological I think!!
OP posts:
lyralalala · 21/08/2020 19:24

@Itswindytoday

Just to clarify a couple of things - I’m as sure as I can be that they’re not hard up. Jobs unaffected by COVID. We all lead similar comfortable lifestyles.

Also there is no expectation that we have to have a meal. We’ve had plenty of nights that have just involved wine and some crisps!

Also just for clarity, up until I moved away 5 years ago I always took my turn hosting - it’s not like I’ve never hosted them!

It could be for any reason. One might have debt that you don't know of. A controlling partner. It might even just be a habit they've got into and they all like it.

It doesn't really matter why they do it. They obviously just do. It's up to you if you want to accept or decline.

Windyjuly · 21/08/2020 19:25

I've not read thread Blush

I would ask if she's hard up and offer her cash. If, I could afford it.

Otherwise yes it's very odd and strange!

However, I'm mid 40s. There are two people in my life I know who cook exceptionally well.
I would... If they asked, even cheekily happily pay for their delicious food.. One I don't see anymore but cooked in credible '' Persian '' dishes.... Oh to taste her cooking again!!

The other, I can still taste her cooking!! I'd pay. Even if I thought it was cheeky.
I'm not a great cook myself, my dp were and they have passed on. So I miss that gorgeous home cooked

LucyFox · 21/08/2020 19:25

Surely all of this is irrelevant at present as you can still only meet with one other household in your own home in most parts of the uk so 4 of you won’t be getting together for a meal anyway ... surely it would be best to arrange a bring your own picnic in the park then everyone is responsible for their own food and no arguments
www.gov.uk/guidance/meeting-people-from-outside-your-household-from-4-july

safariboot · 21/08/2020 19:26

If it's the host cooking for a normal small number of people, I'd say asking for money is extremely miserly.

yolio · 21/08/2020 19:27

Just go and pay or stay at home, Sorry now but honestly paying to go to an invited gig is just not on.

Bring something which most will. And enjoy the day/evening.

ListeningQuietly · 21/08/2020 19:27

TBH if it was a
we are hiring a private chef for the night are you happy to pitch in
I'd not bat an eyelid
but folks who cannot afford to host should admit such
and let others who love it do so

InDeoEstMeaFiducia · 21/08/2020 19:28

Just decline.

Pipandmum · 21/08/2020 19:28

If you can't afford it don't invite people over! Really strange thing to do - it's one thing asking people to bring a dish for a large gathering, but asking for cash contributions for four? Really odd.

IrishMamaMia · 21/08/2020 19:28

I think in some cases it's not a bad idea eg among very good friends who regularly host, Christmas Dinner or unemployed friend or something but it would make me feel pretty uncomfortable in the scenario that you describe. If I knew there were financial reasons behind the scene I'd be willing to go along with it but otherwise no.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 21/08/2020 19:31

Last year for NYE, friends of our decided to have a dinner party and NYE party. Background is that it's friends of DH who have been friends for 20 years or so, and for the most part, it's the same people who are in the inner circle.

We were asked to contribute £30 each for the meal, and tbh didn't think it was an issue. They spent quite a bit of time sorting out the meal and organising it all, so to turn up and have a meal is such a luxury.

The meal itself was OK, but oh my god there was so much alcohol... Grin

AngryPrincess · 21/08/2020 19:32

Yep, that’s weird.