Paying to eat at friends house?

[Itswindytoday]

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

Never heard of that. Weird.

I have brought part of dinner before

I’m 29 and this definitely isn’t the done thing in our circles.
Always take your own alcohol & offer to bring dessert perhaps but would never and have never been asked to split costs.
Bizarre

How weird. I'd just bring some decent wine and/or pudding.

What sort of dinners are they making? If it's stuff like expensive seafood, lobster, fillet steak, special wine, with fancy cheeses and so forth then I think it's OK to charge in order for the host to be out of pocket.
I have a friend who is a caterer and she would make some pretty fancy stuff for special occasions and in that case a few people offer to pay the cost price of the ingredients.

Every Xmas, there seems to be a number of posts on here or newspaper articles about charging for hosting exams dinner. I guess this is a variation of that.

I do think it’s very strange!! Especially if it’s a reciprocal thing, a different person hosting each time.

It CAN be expensive to cater for a dinner party, including drinks and desserts, that’s why it’s polite as a guest to come with a bottle and / or ask what you can bring. But unless one friend is being hugely frugal when she hosts and another hugely extravagant surely it all balances out?

As an alternative to handing over cash to one another (weird) could you just agree a budget for the meal(s) you’ll all put on - then it becomes sort of a ready steady cook challenge?

I never did this even when skint as a student/in my early 20s. Friends and I have sometimes done a pot luck or agreed that someone brings pudding, someone else brings cheese etc, but I’ve never come across cash being handed over and I think it’s really weird, and vulgar

Does the food actually cost £40-£50 for the 5 if you? Is it 3 courses of food?
I'd be wondering if they were making a profit off me (paying a share of a takeaway sounds fine, and there you get to pick what you want as well)

I would never charge my guests for a meal, and have never been asked to pay. I always ask what I should bring (eg something for nibbles beforehand or cheese and biscuits after) and if nothing is specified I bring the best drinks I can afford.

No way would I ever do this, if I want to host then we pay, pubs are different then we go half’s.

I think it's fine

You'd normally go out, so you'd normally pay your own way. She's being kind and offering to cook and so am the cleaning up etc but that's only ok if she takes the some financial hit??

Weirdo behaviour. I wouldn’t go, you’re paying her to cool whatever she wants and experiment on you, fuck that !

Very weird we often host dinners in our group as I’m a ceoliac and we have a large house, usually friends stay too (we all have children so we usually combine the children watching a movie and us having a nice meal it makes things easier as no1 needs a babysitter) and we provide breakfast if they do ,we never ask for money how embarrassing! They always bring alcohol and usually bring extra sweets for the kids but it’s not compulsory! If we are having an impromptu takeaway at ours someone else usually pays as I said we do host a lot due to having the room but I’d always offer to pay even then but usually get told off ! It’s really not the done thing and to be honest I wouldn’t go ... the only time we have all shared the food cost is when we have shared a house on holiday a few times and we do a group video call to decide what everyone wants and we all paid the same and took turns cooking but other than in those circumstances I think it’s plain rude ! X

@Newfornow

Weirdo behaviour. I wouldn’t go, you’re paying her to cool whatever she wants and experiment on you, fuck that !

Experiment on you? Over dramatic much??

Super weird. You don't invite people over if you can't afford to cater for them.

Also at Christmas we usually host .. up to 25 people some years 3 meals and snacks, we ask people coming to provide the alcohol and usually our parents push money on us (we refuse and get told off!) it does cost a lot but we wouldn’t do it if we couldn’t afford it , I really enjoy it everyone helps and it makes lovely memories for our children ... it’s the same principle if she can’t afford it she shouldn’t offer x

Perhaps suggest doing the food at their house OP? As a way of reciprocating. So either doing a big Cook delivery to bung in the oven or saying the group could order a takeaway on you?
I don’t think you are being unreasonable finding it rude. I think it’s totally bizarre and pretty rude.

Only time my friend group has come close to this is when one was hosting an expensive special meal for a birthday (featuring a pricey beef wellington, some kind of truffle-based items, fancy wines etc). It was so amazing, and worth it. We totally understood why she’d ask because what would have been a burden for one person was nothing when it was divided between us all.

Otherwise no, if it’s just a normal meal, that’s very strange. I would only assume the person is watching every penny and needing some kind of assistance.

Yes I would definitely find it odd. You are going to the effort and expense to see them and offering to have the meal out. Yep definitely behaviour I would find odd and feel uncomfortable about actually. I think the first friend must have been feeling the pinch and thought it might be an idea and oddly it's turned into a 'thing' in your group. I don't think this is generally a done thing.

@HowFastIsTooFast

This is bizarre. I would never, ever, ask people to my home for a meal I'm cooking and then charge them for it. If you can't afford it then don't invite them, we're talking about 5 people in the OP's case, not 50.

Alcohol is a different matter of course, I'll always arrive at a party or dinner with enough for myself to drink and a gift for the hosts, and for a birthday party recently we all chipped in a bit for spirits as we had a cocktail bar set up, no problem with that, but I'd have been affronted to have been asked to contribute to the host's choice of meal

I completely agree. I don't understand this at all, as you're not students and seem to be reasonably well off. If you ask people round for dinner, unless you ask for pot luck contributions at the outset, you don't ask them to pay for what you've decided to prepare, that's just downright rude.

@Onekidnoclue

Perhaps suggest doing the food at their house OP? As a way of reciprocating. So either doing a big Cook delivery to bung in the oven or saying the group could order a takeaway on you? I don’t think you are being unreasonable finding it rude. I think it’s totally bizarre and pretty rude.

"I don't want to pay my share but I'll pay for everyone" is so passive aggressive

I wonder if their thinking is that they would normally be splitting the cost if you went out to the pub, so they might as well do the same for eating at someone's home? Especially bearing in mind that you're not really in a position to ask them round to yours.

@ Delatron
If you're unable to afford to host then you're unable to afford to eat out obviously? I wouldn't think this was weird at all. I'd be assuming the hist was struggling financially and would be happy to contribute if it meant a nice evening with a friend she otherwise possibly couldn't afford. Don't see the big deal at all. Maybe because I've been poor.