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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying to eat at friends house?

413 replies

Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 14:30

Is it weird to charge friends to come over to your house??

Basically, I have 4 good friends who I’ve known for years. I now live a couple of hours away, they all still live close together, and I visit maybe 3-4 times a year for a catch up. Normally we go out to eat or go to the pub. Last year I mentioned I was coming back one weekend and suggested going out for a meal. One friend said why didn’t we come to hers instead for a change - lovely. A couple of days beforehand she then made mention of us splitting the cost of food she was buying which I was quite taken aback by but which we did. Due to lockdown I last visited in February and we all went out for a meal then. I am due to visit again in a couple of weeks. A different friend suggested going to hers, and that we could split the cost again. Is it just me or is that really weird? I wouldn’t even consider offering to host and then charging people for food. My friends obviously do meet up regularly when I’m not here, often for dinner at each other’s houses, and I can’t imagine there’s money changing hands every time. Am I the factor? Is it because I don’t live there and can’t reciprocate? But then we are literally talking once or twice a year, it’s not like I come back every other weekend expecting to be hosted for free.... and obviously bringing alcohol goes without saying. I also offer to pick up any extra food they need which seems preferable to me to actually handing cash over.

Or is this a thing now? I Love hosting and it just wouldn’t even cross my mind to split the cost with people even if they weren’t able to host me in return. I do invite my friends to come and stay with me but it’s not a very interesting place and I think they can’t really be bothered, which is fine, I am happy travelling to them and it’s nice to see everyone together.

AIBU to think it’s a little weird to get people to split the cost of this or is it fair enough seeing as I’m not able to host them in return? (Not forgetting it wouldn’t even be once a year per friend and usually we go out anyway!)

Oh and while I don’t know the ins and outs of people’s financial situations obviously, to the best my knowledge we are all comfortable.

OP posts:
Pukkatea · 21/08/2020 20:53

That said, got takeaway with a friend at her house the other day and slipped the money into her account after. For some reason someone buying ingredients and cooking a meal for me seems fine, but them paying for my pizza seems weird? Maybe it's how casual the event is?

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 21/08/2020 20:53

I'd never ask for money if i invited friends for dinner, we do oay for our own food if we hmarebhaving take away but other than that its just bring some booze you want to eat and dig in!! I cant wait to host our next dinner party with my friends, I'm having my kitchen done and dining room redecorated so looking firward to showing it iff!

Backtobasics5 · 21/08/2020 20:55

Have you ever cooked for your friends OP? I would invite them and tell them not to worry about bringing anything. I don’t see the issue nobody is “gaining” anything as such as you normally take turns to go to each other’s houses.

yolio · 21/08/2020 20:56

Tight arses is the norm. Sadly it is an English trait AFAIS. Not all but many.

Save money, find the cheapest thing going.

I do realise that some do this, and many have to. But those who still are generally tight as a ducks arse

Centaurpede · 21/08/2020 20:57

I think it's weird. If the guests are travelling a long way they've already spent a lot to get to the host's house, so it's fair the host pays. Sometimes guest will bring some wine or cake but it's a nice touch, not a requirement. I would split it if it was a takeaway usually, that can quickly add up if there are a lot of you and more like eating at a restaurant where you would definitely split the bill.

Ablackrussian · 21/08/2020 21:00

Sorry, not read all of thread but I don't think she's asking her closer friends to pay.. just you.

victoriasponge678 · 21/08/2020 21:07

We have a friendship group of three families.
One is an amazing cook and for other reasons is easier to go to theirs but they also earn the least out of the group. In fact I prob earn more than this couple and they are ridiculously generous. So we often split the cost of food when we go there as £20 per family v's £100 at a restaurant per family is a bargain

The other couple hate entertaining and hate cooking so often come to ours we usually split food or they bring their drinks and pudding and we do main.

I don't think it's or rude, we are just very comfortable with each other having been friends for 20 years

Backtobasics5 · 21/08/2020 21:09

@Ablackrussian

Sorry, not read all of thread but I don't think she's asking her closer friends to pay.. just you.
I wondered the same.
SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 21:11

This happened to someone I know. She and her husband went to stay with friends for a few days... they received an itemised bill for all the food they'd eaten
This is nothing like that, give over.

Original poster
Itswindytoday · 21/08/2020 21:14

@Ablackrussian

Sorry, not read all of thread but I don't think she's asking her closer friends to pay.. just you.
No that’s definitely not the case as I have seen other people give their share of money.
OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 21:16

Very sad to hear this might be happening. ...No on will respect you for asking for money

Normal grown ups do not behave like this

People are so over dramatic

Invite them to yours and say 'no charge' and you don't want money for it. See how they react.
And rude

Carriecakes80 · 21/08/2020 21:23

In my 30's and extremely broke lol, and still would always find a way to host a dinner for my friends without them paying a penny. I would be chuffed if they bought a wine and a hug though!

To me, charging friends to eat is bloody vulgar!

Its so very often the same, the more people have, the tighter and more wanty they become, good job I plan to stay broke I guess lol

YNBU at all. If anyone invited me then asked for the dough I would laugh my wee socks off! lol

ChristmasFluff · 21/08/2020 21:23

It's a bit mad, and I wouldn't want to pay £10.

So I would say to my friends 'why don't we do snacks and wine so you don't have to cook and we don't have to pay?'

This friend is on a right little earner - I can usually host on what I've got in the cupboards, and if she's pulling out the stops then she's being unnecessarily exacting, and playing loose with other people's money.

WaltzfortheMars · 21/08/2020 21:27

But the thing is, it's not someone inviting their friends over to their house, are they? Instead of meeting up at restaurant etc, the person is merely offering the place for friends to have meet ups. So, I just don't see it as someone hosting a party and asking to split the cost. I find it really difficult to understand that many can't see the difference.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 21:28

Op how much is she asking for and what is she cooking?

Whyareblokesonhere · 21/08/2020 21:45

Could you offer to shout a takeaway for everyone at someone's house, line them up first of course but just say, I'm. Conscious that I cant/don't host but want to contribute as a one off, might be a little passive aggressive but a nice gesture at least

Incrediblytired · 21/08/2020 21:49

It’s weird.

I have only done this when getting a takeaway at a friends or once we had a work colleagues get together and all put in £3 for a cold buffet at someone’s house (which we decided to do as we are quite a big group and don’t work together anymore so didn’t want to go to a restaurant and only talk to one person all night)

lookatallthosechickens · 21/08/2020 21:50

I have a friend who, pre-covid, regularly invited people 'round and asked for a tenner each to cover food - usually something basic like pulled pork with bottled barbecue sauce on rolls (halloumi option for the veggies)- PLUS she also asked everyone to bring a bottle or a few beers. She usually oh-so-generously offered to cover dessert. I heard from a mutual friend who attended the last event that the free dessert was a reduced-for-quick-sale Colin the Caterpillar cake.

I always said "no thanks, I have other plans" when invited, but then because I am an absolute child, within a few weeks of the declined invitation, I made sure to invite her over and serve expensive food and wine at no charge to show her how it's done. I'm also a much better cook than she is. Maybe she knew exactly what she was doing and the free hospitality at mine was the point all along 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 21/08/2020 21:50

@Whyareblokesonhere

Could you offer to shout a takeaway for everyone at someone's house, line them up first of course but just say, I'm. Conscious that I cant/don't host but want to contribute as a one off, might be a little passive aggressive but a nice gesture at least
If it's passive aggressive, it isn't a nice gesture. It's clearly a dog at the host. Others have already paid so it's even weirder for op to swan in and take over.
Dinoctoblock · 21/08/2020 21:51

It’s weird. I have a friend who does this with a big group of us. She always checks what contribution I’d like if we’re going to mine and I always say just some booze (we tend to drink quite a lot when we’re altogether Blush ). She takes... one bottle of wine. Which she could pretty much tank on her own in 45 minutes. Then she proceeds to drink my booze and a good part of the more generous contributions others have brought.

We’ve known each other since we were broke teenagers so I always wonder if it’s a hangover from student days. I can’t imagine she charges her “adult” friends.

yolio · 21/08/2020 21:54

Hopefully tomorrow we will have a poster who balked at paying for an invite.

Strange times for sure!

lookatallthosechickens · 21/08/2020 21:57

The English are very odd about food and money. I hired a pub for my partner's 40th a few years ago and had them put out a nice but basic buffet of cheese, charcuterie, bread, olives, etc. (along with a big birthday cake) and I literally couldn't move for people asking how much for their share, whether they needed to pay me or the barman, etc. In my home country people would die of shame before they asked for anyone to pay for a meal or party they'd been invited to - you practically have to fight your host to get them to accept a bottle of wine much less anything else.

AltheaVestr1t · 21/08/2020 22:01

Our group of friends are pretty laid back about this and do it in a variety of different ways. Sometimes someone hosts and organises everything. Sometimes everyone contributes a course. Sometimes takeaway, everyone pays their own. Always BYOB, but the host usually ends up bringing out more wine at the end of the night! And sometimes we organise a fancy meal with expensive ingredients (e.g a big seafood dinner) and we'll all chip in for ingredients and matching wine. It wouldn't bother me whichever way to be honest!

Alongcameacat · 21/08/2020 22:02

I’d find it strange tbh. There has to be a reason they do this with you and not when you aren’t there though.

Are you quite ‘frugal’ OP?

I bring alcohol and offer food. You have written this a few times. An offer to bring food is not the same as bringing food or special treats - good cheese, nice crackers, olives, nice chocolates My guess is you bring two bottles of wine or maybe just one?And your ‘offer’ of good isn’t taken up? The group have discussed this amongst themselves, concluded you were not being fair and decided that when you are invited, they will all make a show of contributing so you will too.

I could be totally off the mark but there has to be a reason.

BrummyMum1 · 21/08/2020 22:02

I had a friend who did this in our late 20s. At the time I declined the invite as I was so embarrassed by the idea. She only did it once so I guess someone told her it was odd.

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