DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

[UmmMaryam2019]

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

Pull out - the informal repayment situation gives you zero rights and all the responsibility, keeping it within the family always backfires. My DH is from the Middle East, and I’ve insisted they do these things in writing for years as otherwise people just do whatever they want.

Ultimately, if you for some reason don’t pull out, the offer is looking after the 5yo from Sunday night to Friday morning to get him to school. No one else in the house. It gets agreed to now, and if not - you pull out. Get your PiL to back you up. Your DH needs to work elsewhere, clearly the uncle isn’t paying him such an outrageous amount that he can afford this house without help.

You don’t have a choice here really. His family has to stay with you - or if the house is too small you could let his family stay and rent somewhere else

I think you better buy a house you can afford without uncles help, sorry.

This seems to have all come about due a cultural expectation.

I would imagine any back tracking now would lead to you and your husband and child being cut off from the family, no employment for husband, no big house etc.

You will get freedom though, and independence, and a chance for a fresh start.

Your choices are clear..be owned by your uncle or cut yourself off from your family. I imagine there will be shame and some heart ache, but you have to decide what you want the rest of your life to be like.

@UmmMaryam2019

How do I pull out of buying the house?

I have been telling DH I don't want it for weeks/months(offer was made accepted before lockdown). Initially his uncle offered to borrow a large deposit which we would slowly repay. However once the offer was accepted the terms changed, uncle re mortgaged a property of his that we will repay. So in essence we are paying two mortgages now. And uncle wants me to return to work and in 2 years have my new house reassessed for mortgage with my income too, I can take a mortgage loan in my name and repay his in full.
It's adding a lot of pressure on me to return to work. I'm still bfeeding DD, I've had plans of getting pregnant again. Full time work for me is not on the cards for a while. I've explained this to DH, he says I'm getting cold feet.

I only thing I can think of is going behind his back and informing estate agents I don't want it. Theyll be fines. And alot of angry ppl.

I think you need to pull out of buying this house, regardless of whether the uncle wants to move in or not.

An employer - quite rightly - can't dictate when you have your children. But you're being put into a position where you're having to go back to work to pay a mortgage for a house you don't really want, possibly sacrificing the chance to have another child when you want.

If your DH isn't listening to you and is railroading you into this, that's a major issue.

Yes, backing out now would be a pain, but not as much as the agreement you're about to enter into.

And it's not even happened and the uncle is treating you as if he owns your lives and can just move in because it's convenient for him, (WTF?!).

Sorry, I meant to say, an employer can't dictate when you have kids, but your DH is effectively letting his employer/uncle dictate when you have yours.

And the house is solely in your husbands name? - madness.
Not to mention not having any legal agreement on the financial arrangements on the money borrowed from your relative - particularly when he is changing the terms before you complete.

Uncle dictating when you go back to work to pay for a house you have no ownership of is also a bit of a red flag.

Pull out of the purchase (or tell husband he has to, as you are not part of the purchase) and buy something you can afford.
Jointly.

When I read this the first thought I had was "is this a cultural issue?" Is your DH and Uncle from a non Western culture? An uncle employing his nephew and massively helping him out sounds like someone from an Asian background or other culture where it is very normal to help each other out, even expected and what families do. They help you and you help back and generally all are better off.

Wait ....now your uncle is giving you directives? You are required to go back to work FT on his time scale and take out a mortgage in your name to pay him back?

OP. You need to stop this!

RandomMess is onto what strikes me as a massive red flag.

I'd be amazed if 'an outstandingly exceptional private school' would accept a five year old with speech delay who was still in nappies once they found out about these things. It also sounds mega-fishy to me that the husband's wife won't take the child to nursery. Are there problems also with that placement??
Put brutally I think they are in denial/ashamed/lying about the child's special needs and they have YOU in mind for living with and looking after him. I would be begging my husband to pull out if I were you.

They help you and you help back and generally all are better off.

Except the op. She is not on the title and has no say who lives in her house. To boot, she will probably be the one who does the daily grind around the house others may treat as a hotel. Sounds fab for op.

Crikey this is a nightmare!

Disentangle as much as possible!

She has no say who lives in 'her house' because it is not her house.

@TheListeners

It hardly sounds ideal but if they live with you for 6 months - year say it still sounds like a great deal. At the end you will have a house you love and haven't had to pay as much for it. Presumably the help he's provided is thousands and thousands of pounds.

Oh every penny will be paid back. And many thousands more in interest/ family rates on husband's side often mean we pay out more.

Stepping back the whole step up is about control. Uncle has many many businesses, but DH job is our bread and butter.

OP I think you need to wake up here. You are financially indebted to this uncle. In every single aspect.
Why did you ever purchase a house you cant afford??
And why are you not on the mortgage??
You have no control over your lives.

It's time to wake up and do it fast. Do you even realise what a vulnerable position you are let alone your family?
The wisest thing is to let this house go, your dh needs to find an independent job and stand on your own feet.

You are really inviting trouble into yourll 's life here.

He owns you.
What a horrible situation.
But one of your own making.

I think you either stop the purchase - tell uncle that it’s far too generous and you just don’t feel it’s fair to owe him so much money in “these uncertain times” - and take the fall out.

Or... if you don’t have the stomach (and husband support!) for that, accept that he’s moving in. But then - dig in your heals in all other areas of your life. Starting with returning to work when YOUR family decides to.

Your husband needs to decide whether the over paid gilded cage job is worth being owned by his uncle.

You are financially dependent so have lost some of the control over your own life. Never be financially dependent.

Oh every penny will be paid back. And many thousands more in interest/ family rates on husband's side often mean we pay out more
And if his uncle sold the business, or sacked your DH, what then? Just sign the house over to him? It's all sounding very murky.

Your uncle and his family will never move out if they get comfortable in your house. The fact that they readily lived with your PIL already means they like the scenario where they are part of someone else's family.

If their 5yr old is still in nappies and has speech delay it sounds unlikely that he will be going to mainstream school this September?

Do you have a relationship with the Uncle's wife because this is the woman you will be sharing a house with for the next few years it seems like?

You need to stall this house deal somehow. Can your solicitor to create a problem to delay the contracts going through for a few months?

Just RTFT and this is horribly suffocating.

It’s not just the money and the job, he wants to move in and call the shots for who knows how long and you going back to FT work asap is seemingly part of the big financial and lifestyle contract that you and your DH are being locked into.

Have you spoken to your DH about wanting a second child soon and feeling rushed? This decision should be nothing to do with your husband’s uncle!

The solution is to ditch the house and find something much smaller that you can afford without any loans from the uncle. Pull out and cut your losses. Or offer it to the uncle to buy. It’s a huge ball and chain.

Then DH needs to think seriously about his job security and have a back-up plan (and a BIG savings pot).

I feel sorry for their 5yo if he needs parental support or external help and is not getting it. Is it possible that he is being rejected from schools as he is still in nappies?

Them moving in with you indefinitely is a big thing in any circumstances but with a lazy wife who is mean to your 1yo DD (!!!!!) there is not a chance in hell of this being a good idea.

I just read this bit Initially his uncle offered to borrow a large deposit which we would slowly repay. However once the offer was accepted the terms changed, uncle re mortgaged a property of his that we will repay. So in essence we are paying two mortgages now. And uncle wants me to return to work and in 2 years have my new house reassessed for mortgage with my income too, I can take a mortgage loan in my name and repay his in full

The Uncle is a property speculator. House prices could very well FALL in the coming months due to Covid and Brexit. They certainly won't rise.

He is obsessed with borrowing more and more money. Pull out of this deal and buy a smaller house that you can afford. If you have to pack a suitcase and move to a hotel to make your point then do that.
At least your name is not on this Dodgy mortgage. Do not sign anything. Get independent legal advice from Citizens Advice, it's free and you won't have to give your name.
They are piling the pressure on you because it seems like you have the only 'proper' job.
Is your Husband's job in property as well?

Uncle didn't sell his company because your husband wanted to catty on working there??

You just happen to show Uncle a 5 bed house that you like & he lends you enough money to buy/get a mortgage?

He obviously feels that he owns the pair of you!

Your husband needs to get another job & you both need to live within your own means.

This has capital gains tax/stamp duty/money laundering written all over it. You will have YEARS of worrying over this mess if you don't take action now OP.

Reading this thread I am so glad I own my own house and deal with my own finances and have my own job. It might be hard doing it alone with 3 children but compared to this independence is everything. I know cultural expectations are different for you OP but honestly, extricate yourself from this situation asap and financially stand on your own and you will feel a thousand times less stressed.

I think you either accept the uncle in your life, and try to make it work, or you cut ties and move on.

If you accept the uncle it is a case of smile and nod I'm afraid.

Before I read this, I would think the uncle was being ridiculous. Now I think--unfortunately, you do owe him the royal treatment.