Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH's uncle wants to move into our new house with his wife and 2 kids,... We've not even got the keys yet!!

389 replies

UmmMaryam2019 · 21/08/2020 08:59

DHs uncle is a proprietor, currently renovating a large house in his home town. Husband and I found a lovely house also in the same town and with his uncle's help(financially too) we will soon be completing purchase. It's located 5 mins away from an exceptionally excellent independent primary school.

Yesterday DHs uncle requested to move into our soon to be new house if his house renovation is not completed in time for his 5yo son to start school in September.
His uncle had paid for his son to start this private school last year also. However their new house wasn't ready then either and the parents couldn't get their son awake and ready in time for the 35min journey from their current house to this school. His uncle's wife refuses to take her son to his current preschool which is 2 doors away from their current house. So his uncle does the school run during work hours.
DH works for his uncle in the town his uncle currently lives in. Last year they lost the money he paid for the school, it seems they are in the same situation again this year. However they want our new house before we have even got the keys and moved in.
DH parents also live by this school, and his uncle had lived there until he got married. He has in the recent past stayed there with his wife and kids too, for 2 weeks. I've asked DH why they don't stay there, he said they not welcome back.
They will expect hotel treatment, restaurant service, childcare for their 5yo son and 1yo daughter just like they did at my PIL. I have my own 1yo DD to look after. And to be honest when we went on holiday last November with them and extended family, they avoided our company by retreating to their room whenever we were around, so I'm completely baffled as to why they even suggested this.
DH feels he can't refuse his uncle given the excessive help we've received in actually buying this house(it was beyond our budget) But jointly neither of us want them living in our new house.
We're not sure how much longer his house will take to be ready, the electric and gas are not connected yet, they haven't fitted any furniture, they've made no attempt in packing/decluttering their current house.
We will be working endlessly to pay for this perfectly lovely house we're buying, DHs uncle family are notorious for being messy, we wont be able to afford repairing things they damage, we've only just managed to afford the house. And is it honestly prefect. I really don't want it ruined by his uncle's family.
Please help me find a way to say no without being rude and still showing him we appreciate all the help his uncle has given.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 11:42

I only thing I can think of is going behind his back and informing estate agents I don't want it. Theyll be fines. And alot of angry ppl

You can’t because you aren’t buying it. Your husband is.

Monkey2001 · 21/08/2020 11:43

Are you currently renting? I would say to the uncle, yes, you can have the house to yourselves for x months if you cover our rent for that period. Don't get the new furniture etc until they have gone, they can take their own stuff there, as they have a furnished house.

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2020 11:46

Initially his uncle offered to borrow a large deposit which we would slowly repay. However once the offer was accepted the terms changed, uncle re mortgaged a property of his that we will repay. So in essence we are paying two mortgages now.

It doesn’t matter where the money came from, it’s still the uncle who you owe on your house. Unless your DH is now on the deeds/mortgage of the remortgaged house instead, which would be a whole different can of worms.

You can’t inform the estate agents or anyone you’re not buying it because you’re not buying it. Your DH and/or the uncle is.

You need to give your DH an ultimatum that you mean, and prepare to follow through if necessary.

Cailleach1 · 21/08/2020 11:47

Lots of questions. You haven't exchanged, so where will the fine be? On the uncles re-mortgage? How would you re-mortgage the house when you return to work, you aren't named as an owner of the house. Is that due to be rectified and your earnings then to be taken into account?

Do you have house insurance and life insurance? You seem to be in the worst position.

Pittapitta · 21/08/2020 11:50

@tara66

I have not read all the thread but understand they want to stay with you so their child can go to nearby school. If so - why does the child alone not come and stay with you during the school days if you could manage to take him to school? They would hurry up with their own house. He could go back home at weekends.
Are you joking? Are you suggesting a 5 year old moves in with them away from his parents? You must be joining.
XjustagirlX · 21/08/2020 11:50

This situation doesn’t make sense. If the uncle has other property near the school that he could use instead then he should be using that property he already has. The fact he won’t use his other property means that the reason for moving into your house has nothing to do with the school. It sounds like he feels like it’s his house.

A PP mentioned that the uncle will probably sell the house he is renovating and stay in your house. I completely agree with this.

My advice is to speak to the uncle and say that you just can’t afford this house anymore especially as you are planning on having more kids so will not be returning to work full time.

If your DH doesn’t agree with this, then are you able to stay in your current house? Also I would seriously consider whether I wanted to stay with a DH who Went ahead with a house purchase I wasn’t happy with.

Whenwillthisbeover · 21/08/2020 11:56

Sounds like a dodgy capital gains tax /stamp duty dodge to me. This isn’t your house, this is Uncle’s house and you are being dragged along for the ride.

Dontbeme · 21/08/2020 11:57

OP do you get the sense that your DH and Uncle have schemed this up between themselves and you are being bulldozed into it. You need urgent legal advice, you cannot accept this man's money as he is clearly going to move into this house and not move out. Are you willing to allow this man to dictate what maternity leave you can have and when you are allowed to have more children? Wake up to what is going on here.

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 11:58

This situation doesn’t make sense. If the uncle has other property near the school that he could use instead then he should be using that property he already has

I think OP made it clear that Uncles house is being renovated and not suitable to live in.

LillianBland · 21/08/2020 11:59

I’m very concerned that your husband’s uncle is actually planning on this being a long term thing. You’re getting a five bedroom house, with his money and your husband works for him. What’s to stop him changing the rules again and deciding to stay with you until the money is replayed and he can rent out his other home, when it’s finished. If my husband insisted on going ahead with this disaster, I’d tell him he would be living in the house with his uncle, while I lived elsewhere, until they left.

LillianBland · 21/08/2020 12:00

@Whenwillthisbeover

Sounds like a dodgy capital gains tax /stamp duty dodge to me. This isn’t your house, this is Uncle’s house and you are being dragged along for the ride.
This ^
Cailleach1 · 21/08/2020 12:00

You've no responsibility for uncle's re-mortgage or any fine resulting. He said he was getting a loan and got a re-mortgage off his own bat. Now you're being told they're moving in. You haven't been included in any of the discussions and decisions. You've been excluded in decisions about your own life and your family life. And your powerlessness is snowballing.

Child moving in for is no more bonkers than the entire family moving in. Sounds like op will be expected to be doing the daily grind anyway.

user1471538283 · 21/08/2020 12:02

I really don't like the sound of this. If you do decide to go ahead you need your name on the mortgage and the deeds. If you take out a further mortgage to pay his Uncle back it is in joint names with your DH. If you do go ahead with this I think you need to find out if his Uncle is on the deeds/mortgage. If he is then he can come and go as he pleases. If he isn't then you probably have to let him and his family stay with you. What happens if his Uncle wants his investment back sooner than you can pay? Would you have to sell the house? Is this in a legal document so you all know what is what? Is this a second charge on the home? Everything being equal I would look about for another house that I could afford without a relative money

wifflewafflebiscuit · 21/08/2020 12:02

I'd really just pull out now. Use whatever creative thinking you can for an excuse. Say you can't go back to work as you're definitely having another child and so can't pay mortgage. What fines would there be?

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 12:02

Do you think Uncles wife is being difficult because Uncle has had over 12 months to complete their house and it still isn’t finished and rather than finish the property he thinks this is a solution to keep her happy?

wifflewafflebiscuit · 21/08/2020 12:02

They might never move out...!!

Sarahandco · 21/08/2020 12:03

It sounds like the Uncle will actually legally own it?

LIZS · 21/08/2020 12:05

If uncle is so keen let him buy it himself. Do not enter into any arrangement or obligation with such a controlling person. Does he have some kind of hold on your dh or other family members? The relationship seems more than a typical business arrangement. Yes you can still pull out and rethink, with or without your dh on board.

Sarahandco · 21/08/2020 12:05

If you really want to know what is the situation. Say no to them moving in.

tiredanddangerous · 21/08/2020 12:08

Are sure the uncle isn't planning to move in with you permanently? I'd be worried that he's planning to do that and dump care of his child on you!

Winter2020 · 21/08/2020 12:09

As someone has previously pointed out "you" can't pull out of buying the house or expect the agents to take you seriously when you say you don't want it because "you" are not buying it - or in fact involved in it's purchase at all. That kind of illustrates the point everyone has been trying to make don't you think?

It illustrates perfectly that if/when Uncle says he has decided to rent his house out instead of moving out because everyone living together is oh so jolly no one will care about your opinion then either. The only leverage you have will be to threaten to leave and you will leave with nothing. You would have to fight in court for a settlement and the family would ostrasize you so you just choose to walk away. Your husband can sell/gift the house to uncle (or anyone else) and your permission is not needed. Do you have equity in a current house or a deposit that you are giving away?

Why would Uncle stay with you and rent out his house? Some people never have enough and having lots of houses he could well be one of those people. It seems unlikely that you would be able to mortgage enough to buy the total house yourself (covering your husbands mortgage and uncles debt) unless you have an exceptionally well paid job. So without paying Uncle back you remain beholden.

The most ridiculous thing of all is that you are buying the house (that you can't afford) to be near a private school! How much are the fees - 15k a year? You want another chikd - where is the 30k a year to send two children going to come from? And if you have a third 45k? Completely crazy! You are worried about Uncle cutting the financial apron strings now but wait until you have children settled into private school and upsetting Uncle means having to move them. Then you really will be prepared to do anything to keep him happy!

This house sounds like a gilded cage. Pull out the big guns and tell your husband not to buy it and if he does you won't move in (and if some equity or deposit is yours that you won't let him have it). If he buys it anyway you have at least have cut out the years of misery of waiting on Uncle and family and stressing about finances and paying for private school.

KaptainKaveman · 21/08/2020 12:14

What percentage of the total cost have they lent you?

BluebellsGreenbells · 21/08/2020 12:15

Nowhere does OP say she is sending her child to a few paying school.

It’s the Uncle who wants their child to go to this school.

Hayyancairo2 · 21/08/2020 12:16

I think you should seriously take a step back and think of the Uncle's generosity long term. This is just the start before it has even started! He could pull all sorts of strings forever, on the basis that years ago he helped you both out. I agree with other posts. Pull out of this house and settle for something that you can both manage without the help of anyone.

Spinakker · 21/08/2020 12:17

Typical extended family chaos! So glad my in-laws live abroad !

Swipe left for the next trending thread