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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to uninvite people from our wedding?

162 replies

holatous · 20/08/2020 17:12

We sent out save the dates in January for our wedding next summer (less than a year now!).

Coronavirus exposed our venue to some pretty shady behaviour - refusal to refund any weddings, refusing contact, lots of publicity in the papers and court cases ahead. I don't know if the venue will remain viable by the time our wedding comes around and I am not wanting to deal with the stress. This wedding was also 5 hour drive from where we live (and majority of the party) and over more than one day as DP is the bridezilla in this scenario! It would have been fun but required a lot of planning and money and I don't think we will pull it off.

I started to think of alternative venues knowing at worst we'd lose our wedding deposit (£1.5k) but wanted to prepare. I found an amazing venue abroad that meets both our tastes. We visited recently and it was perfect, we love it. Overall it'll come in cheaper than the other wedding (including lost deposit) and would be more grand and in line with our tastes. We also get a planner etc so nothing it to be worried about by me!

The place is easy to access and return flights are £70, all our friends are jet setters. However, it is not a child-friendly wedding but neither was the one before.
Due to maximum capacity we can only have 30 people at our new venue, our original guestlist and save the dates were 50-60.

How would you 'uninvite' people? We were going to throw a party in the UK after for those that can't come.

OP posts:
heymacaroner · 20/08/2020 17:44

@inmylifeIlovedthemall

I would be delighted to be uninvited from the wedding I have an invite to next year.

I love the bride to bits and her DH to be, but I loathe Weddings.

People I don’t know and hours of time to kill probably in the sweltering heat and with shoes that will kill me.

Add a six hour jorney, new frock costs and two nights in a hotel and I will easily have spent £1k on something I just don’t want to go to.

I am on my knees praying that I get a ‘sorry our plans have changed’ card.

I get this but can't you just politely decline? Covid gives you the perfect excuse to decline anyway Personally I'd be gutted if someone felt this way about coming to ours - I'd much rather they just said they couldn't make it than felt resentful about coming and struggled with the costs. The bride and groom can't pre-empt that you'll feel that way so they've probably invited you rather than maybe offend you by leaving you off the list.
YouUnlockedTheGateAnd · 20/08/2020 17:45

@RealMermaid

I wouldn't "uninvite" - I would formally write to all guests to cancel the wedding and let everyone know you are reviewing your options. Then a bit later I would send invites to the new wedding.
Perfect
Original poster
holatous · 20/08/2020 17:50

To answer some questions - the 5 hours away is because it's near where we went to university (and a large number of DP's side went too). Only the Best Man lives very close to the venue (30mins). The venue was the only place not in Scotland in our budget to have what we needed which is why we went for it.

The venue abroad does EVERYTHING and the contract has a specific corona clause that says we are completely covered in the event of restrictions there or here. However, if we are still unable to travel to this place next summer then the economy would be dead and I'm sure that weddings will be the last thing on anyones mind.

Our friends are all abroad people, travel a lot even during coronavirus even to non-airbridge places. Financially it would also not cause any friends an issue from what we know about them.
No one on my side has children or will have children then, DP's side has his niece and then one good friend has kids. SIL and friend have said they're excited to be child free.

In general I don't think the numbers will be an issue for next year considering everyone invited has been on holiday abroad in the past two weeks!

With other people, I will blame coronavirus hard!

OP posts:
RiteAid · 20/08/2020 17:50

It’s very cold. I couldn’t do it, but only you know what you can bring yourself to do! I would just be honest and tell the ones getting cut that your plans have changed and you hope they understand.

DarkDarkNight · 20/08/2020 17:52

Just explain you are having a smaller wedding abroad due to the uncertainty around Covid. If you originally had 50-60 I would say around half will not want to attend anyway - expense/annual leave/babysitters/not wanting to travel etc etc. but obviously it’s a bit of a risk inviting all the same people hoping half drop out Grin

I wouldn’t take offence if I was dropped for close friends and family only.

notalwaysalondoner · 20/08/2020 17:53

I agree with @RealMermaid - inform everyone your wedding is cancelled due to Covid then a couple of weeks later you can reinvite the 30 people. Then if anyone who isn’t invited asks you can just say “oh the only place we could find we still loved has a much smaller venue and is abroad so we had to only do close family”. That’s probably the cleanest way to deal with the mess. I think you’ll also find that most people actually find weddings abroad a massive hassle and money drain and won’t mind not being invited. Although I have to say choosing to move to a venue with a much smaller guest list is pretty rude but luckily there is a pandemic for you to have as an excuse.

Zhampagne · 20/08/2020 17:56

I would contact all of your guests and explain that you have had to reschedule due to Covid. Then have immediate family and a best man / bridesmaid plus partners only.

DonttouchthatLarry · 20/08/2020 17:57

My friend is getting married in October at a small venue that could only cater for 60 - now due to covid restrictions she can only have 30 so has had to cut numbers. Some older and more vulnerable guests have uninvited themselves but I think under the circumstances everyone is pretty understanding.

heymacaroner · 20/08/2020 18:03

OP it sounds like you've thought it through and it's what you and your DP want so just go for it.
I would personally be ready to talk to people who you are uninviting because I think it's natural for those people to ask if they've already had a save the date. If you're comfortable doing that then it's up to you to plan the day you want

Canyousewcushions · 20/08/2020 18:03

I wouldn't book an overseas wedding at this stage, it may be problematic for any one in higher risk groups whl is wanting to avoid being stuck in a tin can full of recycled air for a couple of hours, and until a vaccine has (hopefully) been approved and implemented I think there's also a fairly high risk of cancellation due to increased local outbreaks/quarantine period for overseas travel/flight cancellations etc.

katy1213 · 20/08/2020 18:06

'Save the date' always annoys me; it feels like 'no excuses accepted' which only makes me dig my heels in and not want to come. So 'save the date' and a five hour journey - you could well find that your guest list whittles down all on its own. And with all the uncertainty surrounding our own holidays, I can't imagine many people will want to get involved in weddings abroad.

Sparklesocks · 20/08/2020 18:09

As others have said you may have to consider that some people who make the cut may not want the extra expense of a destination wedding, even if it’s cheap flights etc.

MrsSpenserGregson · 20/08/2020 18:10

It's abroad?

Is it Maui?

Grin
Cheesypea · 20/08/2020 18:13

I think once you've handed your cash over to a overseas wedding venue it's going to be very difficult to get it back whatever they say their coronavirus claus is.

wishing3 · 20/08/2020 18:14

I think you just send new invites to the party after in the uk for those who you are uninviting, with a brief bit explaining that due to Covid plans have changed and you are having a wedding at a small venue abroad. I certainly wouldn’t be offended to receive this and am fully prepared for there to be changes to a couple of weddings I had been invited to.

wishing3 · 20/08/2020 18:15

Ooh yes, but maybe discretely confirm that your first choice guests can make it!

Beautiful3 · 20/08/2020 18:17

Agree with the first poster, message those uninvited and be honest. Explain that the original wedding is no longer going ahead due to covid 19. The wedding will now be an intimate one abroad with family and close friends. To expect an invitation for the uk party after the wedding. I wouldnt be miffed if I recieved that message. Covid has affected many plans and businesses.

CorvusPurpureus · 20/08/2020 18:17

This may be a stupid idea (I don't enjoy weddings, my own included!) but could you get people to un-invite themselves?

Cancel, explain that you have tentative plans to re-book but it'll need to be smaller, & say if anyone would rather not attend (say because covid, not wanting people to feel they HAVE to come to a potentially risky gathering blah blah), you'd not be at all offended but can they let you know?

I'd breathe a huge sigh of relief, drop out & upgrade your present, tbh!

But as I say I'm weird about weddings so this might offend some...? But if not, you might find enough of your invitees are happy to bail that the problem resolved itself?

Redcups64 · 20/08/2020 18:18

Send letters cancelling the wedding. Send new invites a few weeks later with the new details

forrestgreen · 20/08/2020 18:20

I'd send an in invite letter to everyone and say that you're hoping to book somewhere else but that sadly it looks like it will be a smaller venue.

Then invite people again

AiryFairyArtyFarty · 20/08/2020 18:24

@RealMermaid

I wouldn't "uninvite" - I would formally write to all guests to cancel the wedding and let everyone know you are reviewing your options. Then a bit later I would send invites to the new wedding.
I agree with this
Feminist10101 · 20/08/2020 18:26

We sent out save the dates in January for our wedding next summer (less than a year now!).

18 months notice of a wedding?! Why????!!!!

SunshineCake · 20/08/2020 18:32

RealMermaid's suggestion is the mature and polite option.

helloitsmeyetagain · 20/08/2020 18:33

I'd do the cancel then invite the 30 later. Much harder than if you were going from 60 to say under 10 people.

dany174 · 20/08/2020 18:36

@CorvusPurpureus

This may be a stupid idea (I don't enjoy weddings, my own included!) but could you get people to un-invite themselves?

Cancel, explain that you have tentative plans to re-book but it'll need to be smaller, & say if anyone would rather not attend (say because covid, not wanting people to feel they HAVE to come to a potentially risky gathering blah blah), you'd not be at all offended but can they let you know?

I'd breathe a huge sigh of relief, drop out & upgrade your present, tbh!

But as I say I'm weird about weddings so this might offend some...? But if not, you might find enough of your invitees are happy to bail that the problem resolved itself?

Very risky! At my wedding 80% of the guest list was from abroad and I was expecting at least 40% to decline. I think only 15% did in the end. We had people coming from four different continents.

I would however suggest to check with the people you 100% want at the wedding. You will find that it's the people you where quite sure of that would come that will decline and people you knew would not because of reasons will make the extra effort to come.