Req money as wedding present

[kb16]

I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

@Lollypop701

Dear lord! When we got married sending a wedding list was normal... why is that different to saying actually I’d love a contribution to my honeymoon any different? Because I gave choice of Denby pottery OR a nice duvet. Op ask for what you want, if people choose to give you a toaster because they think you’re grabby that’s says a lot more about them than it does about you! Btw I’m 47 and I give The gift the newly weds have requested when I attend weddings because that to me is good manners!

I agree that having a list was the norm and there was nothing ‘grabby’ about the expectation of a wedding present. I think what is different now than ‘in my day’ is that a lot of big expensive weddings now are between couples who have been together for years, often already have a family, so the idea of wedding presents towards a young couple setting up home together isn’t applicable. In these circumstances asking for anything at all does become a bit questionable, especially if that something is a contribution to a rather exotic holiday, and attending a big flashy wedding in a ‘venue’ has cost a lot to begin with. I’d treat such a couple differently to a young couple just starting out.

We didn’t have a gift list as we had been cohabiting for years and had most things already (though that hasn’t stopped plenty of people I know). At the time we were planning an extension so we wrote a letter which said just that, we were about to pack all our things up for building work, and didn’t expect gifts but if anyone really wanted to give us something then if they put it into the John Lewis account we would use it for things for our new improved home. We also made the option for charity donation. So some people bought gifts that they chose for us (and those are very special to me), some people gave cash, some people JL vouchers, some split with charity donation, and some entirely to charity. That was great for us, and actually our first DC came quickly so we ended up using the money for baby bits and a tumble dryer. I don’t personally like the ‘please give us money for our holiday’ trend, and I don’t like twee poems.

Surely the whole gift registry thing is old hat? Surely? I mean who wants stuff?
If an invite arrives with no clue, I just put cash in a lovely card and take it to the reception. If there isn't an obvious place (like a post box) I entrust it to the bride's parents.
I literally can't remember the last time someone wanted stuff!

And I don't think it's questionable because people have been together years. Most of the weddings we go to are second weddings. Giving a gift is traditional and courteous in my view.

Yeah, could we hear more about why this is questionable?

If I received an invite without a gift list, I would ask the couple of their preference, and you would say that you have all household items but you are saving up for a honeymoon and any contribution is greatly appreciated! Alternatively I would buy a gift with a gift receipt. Some guests like to buy a gift. I would send invite out without gift list, because as you say, that's not why you're asking them.

I think it's fine to ask for money, the poems are not to my taste but I wouldn't be offended.
Gift lists are ok as long as there are a range of prices - have been to a wedding with a John Lewis gift list where all the cheap stuff had already gone and it was £75 for the cheapest option (a set of 4 bowls). I think if you want extortionately expensive stuff then it's in poor taste - your guests may not all be rich and may not want to know that you are blowing their hard earned £75 on something you could get for a fiver in Sainsbury's.
Honeymoon list similarly strikes me as thoughtless and arrogant. Of course your guests wish you well, but some are likely to be single and or poor, so it's rubbing their noses in it to show off about your sumptuous romantic holiday at their expense.
If no mention of gifts was made I would give cash. If the couple requested no gifts I would give a card only. If charity donation requested I would give unless a really outrageous charity.

We didn't put anything. People mostly gave us cash

As would I, if you hadn't asked. And likely double the amount I'd have parted with if it was touted in the invitation.

@yolio Totally with you on what great craic Irish weddings are but you lost me on the amount of money. We had some people come from England who gave less than €20, but they also spent a good bit on flights and a hotel to be with us for the day. That meant far more to me than the amount of money they gave. It would never have occurred to me to be offended that they only gave a small amount and would have been mortified if I thought anyone would have been put off from attending because they couldn't afford to give the "appropriate" amount as a present.

@PiataMaiNei

Yeah, could we hear more about why this is questionable?

Sure. Young couple just starting out setting up first proper home together is different in my eyes to established couple, been together a decade, have two kids and have decided to make it legal. First gets generous cash gift, second gets something to mark the occasion. Individual circumstances may alter my opinion, but generally big white weddings and ‘honeymoons’ for couples who eschewed tradition by having a family first are not to my taste. Second marriages are a bit different if they still celebrate a new beginning, but still come into ‘something to mark the occasion’ gift category.

I think it's pretty much standard practice in Ireland to just give money when you go to a wedding. Some people will still give actual gifts but money is really the way 90% of guests go. I've never been to a wedding that actually specifically asked for money though.

Money poems and requests for honeymoon contributions are tacky as fuck. I hate them. I didn’t put anything about gifts in my wedding invites. I didn’t get a bunch of stuff I didn’t need, we mostly got money and some really lovely gifts.

Asking for money is ok because most couples have the things they need apart from money, and most guests want to give something.

I've received 2 of those poems and still cringe hard when I think of them.

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

If you feel the need to ask for cash, why not suggest a donation to your favourite charity?

Evaluate presumably the B&G (understandably) want it for themselves.

I have to do a massive eye roll at the puritanical do-Gooders who suggest time and again that charitable donations should be made

@Leaannb I wouldn't like them after they begged for money and I wouldn't associate with them. I have better things to do with my money than send someone on vacation. I would take that money that would have been used for a wedding gift and donate to the Ronald McDonald Organization or Hurricane relief depending on the time of year. I would never talk to them again

What even if it was your sister or child 😂🙄 GET A GRIP!!!

I would pay it but find it cringe when adults ask people for money in return for a wedding invite. However if you need to do it, do it, but don’t do a poem that makes it a total cringe fest. Just say we don’t need presents, we just need your company, you can give us some money if you feel the need, here’s our bank details. At least make it straight.

Dressing it up and making it rhyme doesn’t change what it is, a cash grab.

Neither the poem or the request for money are things I could bring myself to do as the first is twee and the last is grabby - especially as most of the guests will be out of pocket just attending the wedding in the first place.
If you don't want presents then just say 'please no presents'.
If you do then leave the invitation blank and leave people to make their own decisions as to what, if anything, to get. Some people prefer to give a present. Others, usually the majority, find money easier.

Some of you are making me laugh😂

Well, hopefully small weddings will catch on and couples will invite only people who actually like them now so most here won't have to worry about this with not being invited.

YANBU. I think it is completely sensible. You are putting on a party and the tradition is that people like to give a present and if money is more use to you than a bale of towels go for it. I like the poems, they sort of minimise and enhance the slight awkwardness in a really disarming way. Have a lovely wedding.

I would t include a gift list or a money request in the invitation, especially one which says you don't expect a gift / if you turkey didn't you'd not include anything about them surely?!

If people wish to get you a gift they can contact you for ideas.

And please NO poem!

Our wedding was aprox £140 per person

That is irrelevant information for the guest. You chose to spend that amount of money per person, no one else.
Gifts are at the discretion of the guest and shouldn't be linked to the cost of the wedding!

Perhaps a minority view but I think it is both sensible and practical. And likely to save landfill being filled up with a load of crap and duplicates that you didn't want and have no use for.

Even if you put "NO GIFTS PLEASE" on the wedding invite, some people will do their own sweet thing as they feel it's inherently wrong not to give a gift. So the request for money solves that, either because the invitees do abide by your wishes or because they're mortally offended by the request and give you nothing.

Either way, #result.

I don't like gift registries or requests for anything, especially money. To me you don't ask for anything.
We didn't. Some people asked what we wanted and we replied with your company on the day.

Go for it! Nothing worse than plastic and crystal you'll never use. As if the planet i snot polluted enough.

Some odd people on this thread. You would really begrudge a friend or family member a gift that you would have given them had they married young, just because they didn't meet someone until later in life? You would really look down on someone who tried to guide you away from wasting money getting them something they don't want? Glad I don't have half the miseries on this thread in my life, you wouldn't be bloody invited in the first place. As for saying nothing and getting guests to ask the brides parents - as if people have nothing better to do.