Req money as wedding present

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I'm getting married next year and we are now thinking about sending invites out, a few people including my DP have suggested putting a nice poem/note on the invitation about how we don't expect a present but if people would like to they can contribute to our honeymoon.
Honestly, if someone put it on the invite to me I wouldn't think twice but now that it's me sending the invite I worry that it's cheeky!
I honestly don't expect presents but I understand that people like to give presents. I just worry that people that maybe wouldn't have got us a present will now feel like they have to? But the again I personally wouldn't attempt a wedding without a present so who knows!
What would your thoughts be if you got a money request as a present if it was formatted nicely?

Why is it vulgar to ask for money but not to receive it?
It's the asking that's vulgar. It's obvious.

No would never request money instead of presents, or for a honey moon, and not have a present list either.. Requesting money for a honeymoon is downright cheeky.

Why?

Don't you want to contribute to an experience the happy couple will actually appreciate?

Is this a sort of middle class apeing upper classes thing? Because I find that quite pathetic tbh.

If you go to a wedding you take a gift. Yes? Why not give them what you know they want? How do you feel about Greek weddings?

Hello mum how are you?
Good thanks you ooh so exciting getting married! What would you like?
Well you know we're saving for the deposit for a house. So a contribution would be really fantastic. As a gift.
Hmm well we'll see

Erm. Thanks mum. I'll find somewhere to put it (in our tiny flat)
Cup of coffee? Oh no sorry of course, you don't like it

Awesome.

OP seriously in real life. People who like you want to be happy.

It feels a bit outdated these days. I have not been to mahy weddings but I think I remember on the further details for guests page something like we are not requesting presents/do not have a wedding list, your presence is enough, however if you would like to make a contribution we would love to use it towards our honey moon, or we would be grateful for a donation to xx charity. I thought that was nicely done and gives a choice of two.

I personally think it's tacky to ask for gifts of any kind when you send out invitations to your wedding. Gifts are nice, but not the price of admission, no? If people ask, however, at that point you can have people 'in the know' suggest cash gifts, vouchers, or honeymoon contributions.

'Is this a sort of middle class apeing upper classes thing?'

I think you've hit the nail on the head, @NiceGerbil. Lots of 'Mitford sisters manqué' on here, falling over themselves to prove how terribly, terribly 'Debrett's' they are. V transparent.

OP, invite people to your wedding and no mention of expected gifts. To be honest these days as a wedding guest it seems to now cost £££s to attend. I do not mean this nastily but whilst most of your guests will be happy for you the only people who are actually emtionally invested in your big day are you and the groom and your close family. People want you to have a nice day but increasingly it is now a non-local venue, paid drinks, hotel rooms and annual leave etc.
Wedding gifts in the past were given because the couple were setting up home for the first time after a simple ceremony which did not require the guests to be out of pocket. Any expectation of gifts these days seems crass and totally out of touch. People will gift as they want to. Some may give cash, some will be weird gifts you accept with gratitude. Some people may only give a heartfelt card and others may not be able to afford a gift. Asking for money places those who have may have struggled to afford to attend, in a horrible position. Physical gifts can be bought in the sale, or be of little value but incredibly personal. Asking for cold, hard cash throws all but the better off into a panic about how much they are expected to gift.

Ex and I deliberately didnt put present details in our invitations and the number of people who seemed quite cross about the lack of direction was about the same as the people who said how nice it was not to be told we wanted money :o

We were doing up the house so said to anyone who asked that B&Q vouchers would be handy, and gratefully received any gifts we were given. It was mainly vouchers/cheques.

I wouldnt put anything and say to anyone who asked "Well we didnt expect anything but are going to (say) Italy on honeymoon so a few Euro would be welcome!"

We didn't put anything. People mostly gave us cash.

I did a wedding list and totally underestimated how much people would spend! I put loads on at 15/20 and the early comers snapped it all up...

One guest pointedly gave me a book which was nice.

Yeah it's a bit weird. I'd not got married before.

I want to give what the couple will appreciate. And I'm bad at presents. So. Cash/ vouchers/ list. Awesome.

And why is it crass to think people might want to buy you a wedding present? I mean. Who wouldn't?

In the interests of disclosure I am not mega posh but have some moderate poshness in family. If the sort which says. Well I'll do my thing and that's what I'm doing. I don't really care what people think iyswim. And I don't care about giving other people that I like or love what they want on their wedding day FFS.

Who gets the arsehole over a valued friend or family member saying for my wedding gift, which OBVIOUSLY you are going to bring, this is what would bring me most joy...?

I honestly, simply, do not get it.

Do lots of people go to weddings of people they don't like or something?

Yeah it's a. Weird class thing. Bit hyacinth bucket tbh. (Have had wine).

Just to add in some cultures it is totally ok to expect money as a gift or people to 'pay for their plate'. However this based on a totally different attitudes to weddings and we know the family and every one involved and there is certainly no day time/ evening guest divide. It is an extended community celebration, not a guest list of sit down for a meal and others for an evening disco. Food and drink is provided and we keep it local.

Well yes I mentioned Greek weddings.

I've been to a couple in UK and have had info in invitation saying tradition is to bring cash in envelope and pin to bride (or leave in specific place if you feel too English to do that ).

No comments back about how people feel about that. Bad? Not bad?

@willstarttomorrow

OP, invite people to your wedding and no mention of expected gifts. To be honest these days as a wedding guest it seems to now cost £££s to attend. I do not mean this nastily but whilst most of your guests will be happy for you the only people who are actually emtionally invested in your big day are you and the groom and your close family. People want you to have a nice day but increasingly it is now a non-local venue, paid drinks, hotel rooms and annual leave etc. Wedding gifts in the past were given because the couple were setting up home for the first time after a simple ceremony which did not require the guests to be out of pocket. Any expectation of gifts these days seems crass and totally out of touch. People will gift as they want to. Some may give cash, some will be weird gifts you accept with gratitude. Some people may only give a heartfelt card and others may not be able to afford a gift. Asking for money places those who have may have struggled to afford to attend, in a horrible position. Physical gifts can be bought in the sale, or be of little value but incredibly personal. Asking for cold, hard cash throws all but the better off into a panic about how much they are expected to gift.

Completely agree with all of the above.

Don't put anything about gifts and definitely don't have a poem. If people ask , which they will, you or your family can say that you would rather have money. Your guests are not there to fund your honeymoon and under no obligation to buy you anything but most will want to give you something for your new life .

[quote Leaannb]@ShirleyPhallus...I wouldn't like them after they begged for money and I wouldn't associate with them. I have better things to do with my money than send someone on vacation. I would take that money that would have been used for a wedding gift and donate to the Ronald McDonald Organization or Hurricane relief depending on the time of year. I would never talk to them again[/quote]

I don't find it cheeky, however I think it needs to be phrased well, and not a poem. I'm happy to give cash/vouchers, I don't have to think about presents, and I don't buy something that will end up in a cupboard.

I hate the poems so I just didn't reference gifts in my invitations. My thinking was that everyone I was inviting to my wedding was close enough to either me or him/our parents to ask us if they wanted clarity. I did have one of my older relatives preferring to buy a gift but when I said I would be putting money gifts towards buying a Kitchen Aid, that seemed to go down well. I don't think they minded giving money once they knew what it would be spent on.

Tbh I think it's common place now for people to give you money as a wedding gift anyway. I didn't put anything on our invites about any sort of gift and everyone bar a few gave us money. And no we didn't end up with 1 toaster, let alone 5. I don't think that really happens anymore as couples often already live together and don't need home starting stuff and the people who come to your wedding will know this.

The only gifts we got that weren't money were things like a couple of personalised wine glasses, some fancy Christmas tree decorations with our wedding date on (it was near Christmas), and some vouchers, the rest was all cash in cards.

Requesting money is fine. But no poem!

I said nothing about gifts/money on our invites and would say 75% of people gave us gift cards/money. We'd lived together for a couple of years beforehand so wasn't worried about the whole toaster for present etc as people knew we didn't need things like that though we did get 1 set of (lovely) bedding off someone. The gifts we did get were mainly alcohol, photo frames and glasses - a few mr & mrs champagne flutes, gin glasses and mugs but they come in handy!

I much prefer it when people make it easy for me as a guest and say clearly what they would like, be that a gift list or request for cash/vouchers. All this coy pissing about pretending everyone doesn't know full well that there's going to be a present involved is a waste of my time. I will ask, but I'd rather you saved us both the faff.

That being said, I've definitely heard people say money is becoming more the norm now anyway. I come from a cultural background where it's always been that way, but I think white British practice is changing too.

@peachypetite

I didn’t put anything about gifts on my invite. It’s not why I got married. Majority of people gave us cash or vouchers.

Same here. Vast majority gave us cash and a few people bought physical gifts of their choice - champagne, mugs and hampers. Was lovely.