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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandfather is being inappropriate around my dc

636 replies

Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 09:52

I feel quite sick writing this post, but I really could do with some guidance and advice.

My father was extremely abusive when I was a child both physically and emotionally. He would tell my brother and I that he does not like children, and only agreed to have them for my mother. I have no happy memories of my childhood with him at all. My mother stayed, she tried to leave a few times but did not in the end. I am very close to my mother.

Fast forward to now. I have a low contact arrangement with my parents. I could not go completely nc because it would mean never seeing my mother again, as she does not drive and it is difficult meeting her on my own as my father is always there (retired)

We did have to go nc for a number of years and it was extremely hard for me, I missed my mother so much. We have started seeing them again, but I am careful to keep the meet ups brief and 'light'. However the last few times my father has taken to saying the following to my teen dc (16 and 14):

What lovely legs they have, shape etc
Weight - asking them how much they weigh - this is a no go area with teen girls in my view even if they are not overweight
Describing one of them as dressed provocatively - his words (She definitely was not it was just a pair of normal shorts)
He forces them to cuddle him, they obviously don't like it
He makes spiteful jokes about their skin and spots - made my dd cry all of the way home
Makes fun of their eyebrows (no idea why)
Comments pretty much non stop on something or anything to do with them. One of them is vegetarian and he went on and on about it.

It took a lot for me to pull him up on his spiteful remarks about their skin, as I still feel some level of fear around him, and his answer was that we being over sensitive and can't take a joke!
My reply is that his 'jokes' are not remotely funny and are causing offence. You can't speak to anyone like that, especially not teenagers. He said we lack a sense of humour and everyone is being too fluffy, and the dds are turning into 'snowflakes'...

Am I being precious and over sensitive?
Am I right to stop him from saying these to my children? They are, by the way great fun most of the time but my carefree girls who usually have easy smiles and cheerful dispositions have grown to mistrust him, and they now look edgy around both of my parents now. The eldest is now refusing to go, I respect that of course.

Where do I go from here?

I love my mother dearly, but can not reach her because he is always there, they live 3 hours away, I can't just drop in. I can't seem to have a relationship with her without having to put up with him. They are talking about visiting again, and I don't want them to. Christmas will be next...

I don't want him anywhere near my children again.

OP posts:
fuckingcovid · 19/08/2020 12:02

I am sure your poor DM is as much cowed by him as you were as a child. Not driving means she is trapped with this awful man, and I have no doubt is financially dependent on him.

Have you had a conversation with her about divorce and, if their finances would support it, selling the house and having a smaller place to live. She would have a pension and half of his I think. It's worth having this discussion with her in private as she may not think she can get away from him and survive financially. Maybe move nearer to you?

It seems so cruel to punish her for being as abused as you were by this awful man, by taking yourself and her GCs away from her.

incenseandpeppermints · 19/08/2020 12:05

You mum actually told you to lie to SS? Laid an enemy burden of guilt onto you, a child, because you were covered in bruises? 😮

Rabblemum · 19/08/2020 12:05

Sexual comments are a big no. Try to put down boundaries that you GD will break and keep to them, one inappropriate comment and simply take the girls and go home.

To a point teasing is ok, some girls eyebrows are a bit ridiculous these but these are drawn on so it’s not that personal, teasing a teen for spotty skin is nasty.

Your mum probably has an overly thick skin and you may see this behaviour as more normal than it is. Start voting with your feet.

Could you have days out with your mum on her own? Then you get the best of all worlds.

incenseandpeppermints · 19/08/2020 12:05

Enormous burden...

Wishihadanalgorithm · 19/08/2020 12:06

OP, I have read the full thread and I feel you should be proud you have made this stance with your abuser father. Going NC really is your only option.

I understand your relationship with your mother is difficult but this woman has let you down spectacularly. If you wish to pursue a relationship with her I wouldn’t be making all of the effort. She needs to know what damage she has done by making you cover up for your father, for not protecting you and for enabling him to mistreat you. I don’t think I could ever have any relationship with her until she accepted her responsibility and properly apologised to you. I’d also be telling her to back off with the emotional blackmail and manipulation.

I am sorry you have had to face this all, OP but be proud you have stuck up for your children and are protecting them from this evil man.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 12:07

My mother will choose my father cave even though she does not love him. I know she will, because she stood by and watched horrific abuse over the years with him straddled over me on the floor hitting me. I was four years old or so at the time, and small for my age. I remember looking at my teddies next to me to the side, and hoping he would not hurt them. My mother carried on making the dinner.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Everyone around us ignored it, pretended it wasn't happening. She is not about to leave him now I don't think. She wasn't even especially sad with him for doing it as I remember, she never once stopped him to my memory.

OP posts:
hastingsmua1 · 19/08/2020 12:07

This will sound nasty but your mother chose her predicament frankly. At 72 she has had ample time to reassess her life yet has chosen to stay with him. Realistically it’s shouldn’t be your position that to maintain a relationship with her you must maintain a relationship with a creepy/toxic/abusive man. He’s never been a good dad, and your mum never protected you from him.

Irreversible · 19/08/2020 12:10

Your mother is a victim here too - imagine living with that day in, day out. It sounds as though she is controlled by him and after so many years, he has likely eroded her confidence and made her believe she has no choice but to stay. Some posters here have been quite harsh, it's really not easy to leave an abusive relationship especially after so many years and being deprived of a relationship with her granddaughters will just make her life that much smaller and more miserable.

I agree though that of course you need to protect your children. Don't take them with you when you visit and when you do visit, try to take your mum out so you don't need to see much of him. Use any pretext you need to - shopping, 'girly' stuff, whatever.

Iggly · 19/08/2020 12:11

Did you tell your counsellor everything about how bad he really is?

Your mother is an enabler. She did not protect you. Not sure why you want to maintain contact with her either to be honest.

My mum was similar. I’ve gone low contact, we only text now. Never visit. Why?

Because I realised she didn’t protect me and she doesn’t deserve my time and she isn’t entitled to a relationship with my children.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 12:11

You mum actually told you to lie to SS? Laid an enemy burden of guilt onto you, a child, because you were covered in bruises? 😮

Yes, I had to tell them it was my brother.
My poor brother then had to undergo an assessment a behaviour assessment of some kind, which he failed incredibly, and so it was left there. I remember the look of pity that used to cross my teacher's face and some of the parents of my school friends. To this day I feel the shame of that pity.

OP posts:
greyinganddecaying · 19/08/2020 12:12

@Friendsoftheearth

My mother will choose my father cave even though she does not love him. I know she will, because she stood by and watched horrific abuse over the years with him straddled over me on the floor hitting me. I was four years old or so at the time, and small for my age. I remember looking at my teddies next to me to the side, and hoping he would not hurt them. My mother carried on making the dinner.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Everyone around us ignored it, pretended it wasn't happening. She is not about to leave him now I don't think. She wasn't even especially sad with him for doing it as I remember, she never once stopped him to my memory.

This is horrendous.

OP I've read through the thread and would really consider reporting them both to the police for the way they treated you. I think it can take seeing your kids being subject to something to realise the severity of it.

And explain to your mum that you cannot trust either of them to be around your children.

JamieLeeCurtains · 19/08/2020 12:14

I think a mother who told her 11 year old child to lie about where her bruises came from has a lot of apologising to do.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 12:14

For anyone else reading this thread and identifying their lives. I did read an amazing book, and it actually really helped me.
Toxic parents by Susan Forward

OP posts:
Notcrackersyet · 19/08/2020 12:16

Op my heart breaks for your young self. The episodes you describe are so sad. I’m happy for you that it sounds as though you have a lovely family life now.
You made the mistake of giving your dad a chance and he didn’t even try to behave. What has he ever done to merit any place in your life now?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2020 12:17

When I was eleven there was a social services investigation as to why I was covered in bruises. My mother told me to lie or I will never see her again

This is hideous and the only good thing is that social services were at least involved; I'm of a generation where children weren't believed, so when it happened to me I didn't dare tell anyone for fear of making things even worse

I'm sure you're right that your DM will "cry and sob" when told what has to happen, but I'm afraid this is the price she has to pay for her own betrayal of you - something I'd say (and did) no matter how hard it is for her to hear

It won't be easy to stick with your choice, OP, but stick with it you must; it's the very least you owe to your daughters

CaveMum · 19/08/2020 12:19

@Friendsoftheearth

My mother will choose my father cave even though she does not love him. I know she will, because she stood by and watched horrific abuse over the years with him straddled over me on the floor hitting me. I was four years old or so at the time, and small for my age. I remember looking at my teddies next to me to the side, and hoping he would not hurt them. My mother carried on making the dinner.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

Everyone around us ignored it, pretended it wasn't happening. She is not about to leave him now I don't think. She wasn't even especially sad with him for doing it as I remember, she never once stopped him to my memory.

Then as painful as it is to hear this, she has made her choice. She has failed you as a mother. She is not a passive victim here, she has chosen over the years to side with your father and to stand by and ignore his abuse and then to protect him, and herself, when the status quo is threatened.

I have no sympathy for her, only for you (and your brother) and your daughters.

HermioneWeasley · 19/08/2020 12:19

Your parents are both abusive

See them if you must but it is your job to protect your children from them

JaniceBattersby · 19/08/2020 12:20

This is horrific. Absolutely horrific.

I’d go to the police about him now.

I hope you’re OK OP. Don’t let him near your kids.

alfrew · 19/08/2020 12:23

Your mother doesn't deserve you OP, she really, really doesn't.

I'm more appalled by her behaviour than your fathers.

Original poster
Friendsoftheearth · 19/08/2020 12:23

I do have the best family ever now. I really do. I have lovely dh and dds that are fantastic. I have a house stuffed with animals because it was a dream of mine to have lots of pets. I have found peace of some kind. Even without counselling. I have kind of counselled myself.

And this is only half the story. It got worse before it got better.

The important thing is that I don't mess up my dds, that I don't allow any of this to ruin their lives. What has happened is over now for me, I can't rewind and change it. But it stops with me.

I am so grateful to you all that I now really have the confidence to never see him again, and know from all of you that I am not being over sensitive, that I am right to completely stop this from now. I have had lots of practice, but this for me is the last straw. How can I save this thread so I can reread it when I need to, does anyone know?

OP posts:
RandomUser3049 · 19/08/2020 12:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DubaiDublin73 · 19/08/2020 12:25

Backseatcookers post. Especially this part

She failed to prioritise you and continues to do so. She also fails to prioritise her grand daughters, which was her second chance to make better decisions.

RandomUser3049 · 19/08/2020 12:25

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/08/2020 12:26

she stood by and watched horrific abuse over the years with him straddled over me on the floor hitting me. I was four years old or so at the time, and small for my age. I remember looking at my teddies next to me to the side, and hoping he would not hurt them. My mother carried on making the dinner

A useful incident to remind her of when she boo-hoos ... trust me, she won't have forgotten

Birdsong20 · 19/08/2020 12:27

I think it's incredible that you can forgive your mum. I would struggle to do that given that she stayed quiet. Have you spoken to her fully about your past?