I don’t think I am but how to handle. Wedding fiasco

[PrincessCatapus]

Close relative getting married soon. Up and down relationship but things are going well and eager to keep things good.

Got married myself last year and had B2B as bridesmaid, paid for dresses (let them pick their own style but said about colours), didn’t care about hair/makeup/shoes etc. B2B chose to have makeup done professionally whilst my MoH did mine. All fine, no issues at wedding and she was a great support on the day.

B2B getting married next year in very expensive place and the whole thing is very extravagant but each to their own. I’m trying to be very enthusiastic and supportive and genuinely do want her to have the best day possible. However, costs are becoming a bit much. Been informed that we need to have hair and makeup done at our cost to the tune of around £100. On top of that been guilted into £150 accommodation despite it actually being close to home (have a child so easier to take home) as they’ll have to cover rooms not used and lots of guests have said they’ll go home so she’s stressing about that. Been told we have to buy dress, which is looking at around £100. There’s a gift registry we’ll have to buy a gift from. Drinks at expensive place. Never mind suits for DH and DS’s. Looks like there’s going to be at least 2 maybe 3 hen do’s.

We could technically afford it, but we have a small amount of debt to pay off from our wedding, and live within our means. Want to start saving for a house too and the money this wedding is going to cost would be a lovely holiday for the four of us (we can’t afford one this year regardless of COVID and only managed a cheap staycation last year). Would also note my DPs offered to contribute a hefty sum towards a family holiday as a wedding gift for this year. Obviously COVID hit and they were keen to book earlier in the year so they could afford other relatives wedding (paying for v expensive dress and perhaps more). We’ve told them not to worry and to forget about it. Genuinely don’t mind but stings a bit when weighing up how the money that needs to be spent on this wedding could be spent on a holiday. I’m also loathed to pay more on hair and makeup than I could stomach paying for my own wedding. She needs enough people to be able to have the person she wants but it’s the same with the rooms too. I just feel as though we’re inadvertently subsidising this extravagant wedding after we budgeted accordingly for ours and didn’t ask for anything from anyone as didn’t feel it was fair to expect people to be worrying about money just to attend our wedding.

Also a bit peeved that B2B is getting help from family that we didn’t (we did reject any financial help in fairness) but they’ve now been saying how they’ve managed to start saving for a house and can’t help but feel like we’re sacrificing a family holiday to pay for their expensive wedding whilst they’re still having extravagant birthday gifts/saving for a house etc that we can’t afford.

Sorry for being vague but would really like some advice on what to do. DH thinks we should suck it up as want to keep the relationship good, as do I, really really badly. But I cannot help but feel really put out by all of it. It just doesn’t sit right to keep saying yes to the detriment of my children.

Can I say no? Without damaging the relationship? Or should I just suck this up to keep everything ticking along smoothly.

Another factor is the other bridesmaid and I have spoken and she’s going to go along with whatever I do. She can’t afford it either but also wants to keep the peace and get the feeling she’s thinking if I say yes she’ll look awful if she’s saying no despite the fact I’m dead against it.

Dear friend, I'm getting excited about your wedding. Sounds like the most wonderful day
We've just done our household budget and can see that finances are going to be tight for the next 12 months. In the light of that wanted to let you know I'm not in a position to pay for hair and makeup or a hotel room. My friend will do my makeup and we will pop home after the wedding as it's so close. I'm going to splash out by going to one of the hen dos. Let me know which one and we'll make it a night to remember.

Your main question is if you are being unreasonable and the answer to this is a definitive no. That said - unreasonable people will not have a reasonable response to how you feel. Even some normally reasonable people will lose their minds when they are getting married and lose all perspective.

From what you have said your views on your own wedding are very similar to my own (we paid for bridesmaid's dresses, for BM's hair and make-up, had a low key hen do so as to not put anyone out financially etc.) and in respect of the weddings of people you love you whole heartedly want the world for them. I just don't agree with getting in debt or making huge sacrifices in order to keep them happy. By huge sacrifices I mean things like sacrificing not having a family holiday for a year. It's too much.

My advice would be say whatever you want to say in person or if she lives far away on the phone. Stick to your position. Don't feel you have to justify your finances (it's not for her to decide what your husband's bonus should be spent on and let's face it - who knows who will get bonuses this year). Just simply say you love her and want her to have the best day, but you can't afford x, y, z and that you know she will understand, as the main thing is you are all together to enjoy her special day. She may rage initially, however hopefully she will calm down and see sense.

Sorry, haven’t RTFT.

My strong suggestion is to tote up ALL the costs so far, and the future costs estimates for the whole thing. Include the present, hens stuff, babysitting, everything.

Text her and say ‘As a family we were only able to budget xx (hundreds of pounds) for your lovely wedding, and we’re currently at the xx mark (of the budget). Can you give me some guidance on what I should opt in or out of, that’s most important to you guys? Thanks love.’

Sometimes they need to see stark numbers to realise what they’re casually asking of their friends. And it’s inevitable she’ll compare it to what you cost her. Feel free to tell her that you based the budget partly on what you asked your BMs to spend. Also tell her you are still paying off your wedding this year, sadly.

I hate it when friends or family make these celebrations a test of loyalty/love. If they are ballsy enough to ask for (effectively) hundreds of pounds to be spent on them, then they can survive a real conversation on why you can’t continue to fork out. Without getting the hump.

Real friendships survive real conversations.

You can't "technically afford it" if you're already in debt. You cannot afford it and it's taking money away from your children. Explain your financial situation to your friend. Be clear about what you can actually afford to spend... Although, it sounds like that is zero pounds. Your financial situation is not a deliberate affront for your friend and she would be totally wrong to take it as a slight that you are poorer than her.

I’m guessing this is a sister. Just out of interest, how much work did she put into rebuilding your relationship?

I’m getting the impression from your posts that you are two very different people and that your sister may be somewhat difficult, particularly where the word no is concerned.

I’ve spent a lifetime watching my mum dancing around trying to maintain a relationship with her sister. My mum is the one who has done all the running and there have been periodic spells of NC when mum has dared to say no to unreasonable demands. It’s always been mum that’s then had to apologise months later to get her sister communicating again.

FWIW I think you need to firmly tell the B2B that you simply cannot afford the make up and accommodation and that you can only afford to attend one hen do. In response to any arguments about what she believes your income is, you need to be very clear that your income is your business and you cannot spend every spare penny on her wedding. I suspect that there is not a way to tell her this without it causing some degree of fallout but do not grovel, apologise or behave like you are in the wrong. I hate watching my mum do this and it just makes my aunt worse because she then believes that she’s in the right. Be prepared that if you do this, your parents may end up being pressured to make up the difference with the accommodation.

Be strong. People like this exploit the fact that you have feelings of obligation and guilt. If she’s your sister and she cares about you as a sister, then she should understand and regret placing you under so much pressure. If she kicks off then it says an awful lot about her priorities and this may be something that you just need to come to terms with if you want to maintain a relationship.

As others said, you just have to be assertive and let her know that you have a budget. Covid gives you the perfect 'excuse' (not that you should need one), most jobs are under threat at the moment .... even the most secure and few people will be getting a bonus in the next year or two. Surely she's bonkers to be even planning a big, extravagant wedding ... who know what will happen next year?

Had a similar situation a few years back. Received Wedding invite from distant relative of DH, who he hardly ever saw, getting married in a very expensive hotel several hundred miles from where we lived, they had huge saleries, amazing jobs abroad,dress cost more than my Wedding.Dh had just been made redundant,we had 4 DKs, 2 mortgages,told MIL we were not going. She said we HAD to (another MIL nightmare!!) because it was a relative.Present list ridiculous, no lie the only thing I could afford on it was a teaspoon or flannel.We werent even invited to the actual Wedding, just the evening "do". There was also the cost of fuel, I bought an M & S voucher. Ended up buying a dress in a charity shop,driving there and back. Wish to God we had just said no. I know your situation is different. I think Weddings these days are ridiculous, costing house deposit, and these Hen do's. My youngest DD (single parent, no help from DKs Dad) has ben crippled by Hen do prices for several years, but I wouldnt go.Agree with Bumblebea. Weddings are not important, marriages ARE.

@PrincessCatapus

I get what you’re all saying and I honestly want to do that but the fall out will be almighty. Is there any way I can word it that will be better than I can’t afford it? My DH gets a bonus each Xmas which she vaguely knows about but it’s earmarked for paying off debt and a modest family holiday. If we pay for all this the holiday is gone but I don’t know if it’s worth or whether I should have to delve into our finances like that.

No, there is no other way of wording it, unless you invent a lie which will subsequently be discovered. Just tell her you don't have the money.

“I just can’t afford it”. Don’t explain or justify. This is the bottom line and if you try to mention paying off your wedding, family holiday etc she will try to argue you round to her view. Tell her what you are prepared to pay for and end the conversation as soon as possible afterwards. If the relationship does not survive this then you are better off our if it.

*out of it

I think that if you went along with it then you value your friendship more than your own familys financial well being, which is frankly irresponsible. Personally I would message her, " I'm really looking forward to your wedding. I need to tell you that I cannot afford to book a room, have professional make up/hair, go on 3 hen dos and buy a brides maid dress. I can buy the dress and go on one hen do, you can choose which one. I hope that's okay with you? If not then I fully understand, and I'm happy to step down to a guest instead?"

I was bridesmaid to a family member and the whole thing ended up costing us about £800 so we also couldn't afford a holiday that year. There was no way around it though.

We couldn't cut costs any further if we tried. They didn't live close to either of their families so all had to travel but did choose not only expensive hotel but expensive area with no real budget options (there were hostels which some guests chose but we had children so not an option). Our apartment cost us £270 and we only slept there two nights and spent no other time there. We only bought them a cheap gift though once we totted up how much it was costing us.

Just be clear to her, hotel cost is out and is unreasonable. Make up cost is out, how can all bridesmaids have same make up? You will all have different face shapes and colouring so will need makeup accordingly. You could find a hairdresser for much less than that - I paid £30 for my up do and that is because she had to travel to hotel, if it was a local wedding then I could have gone to a saloon and paid £20. One hen do only, either you choose cheapest or one you would enjoy the most or allow her to choose. I'm not sure there is any magic words to stop her falling out with you if she is that way inclined.

Good luck!

The PP’s message is perfect! And once you’ve laid out your position really try not to get into discussing the finer details of what you can afford and your finances. Just keep reverting to “in an ideal world I would love to stay over/have make up done/ go on 3 hen dos but unfortunately we simply don’t have the money. If these are deal breakers for your bridesmaids I absolutely won’t be offended if you would prefer to replace me and I will come as a guest. Totally up to you.” And just keep repeating. And don’t be swayed by pressure from other members of your family. Remember that your family unit and your finances are your priority. She will either understand and be reasonable or she won’t. But that is on her - not you!

So for you going along with what your sister wants and paying for your sisters wedding (whichever is essentially what you’ll be doing). Will mean you get no holiday and set you back on paying off your debt and saving for a new house for you?

How will you feel when after her extravagant wedding your sister swans off on her honeymoon and announces her new house purchase when you're still stuck repaying your modest wedding?

I’d tell her you’d love to do everything but can’t afford it. Offer to bow out now as bridesmaid or suggest you’ll get your friend to do your makeup, can’t stay in accommodation, one hen do and don’t bother getting her a gift you’re buying an expensive bridesmaid dress you wouldn’t normally buy for her sake.

Not surprised you fell out previously you’re about to do so anyway at some point in the future if she’s this selfish and entitled

Wow.

I'd just be blunt and say it's too much money, you've worked it out to be x amount, and you just can't afford it. And offer to bow out now.

Can't afford it is the absolute best reason so you don't have to worry about coming up with another. You're already in debt and paying off your own wedding so it's madness to pay out 100's just to stop her kicking off. As many sensible PPs have said, don't pay for the make-up or accommodation, only go to one hen do, and limit your costs to one hen do, the dress and a gift which is more than fair.

What I wouldn't do is bring the other bridesmaid into it, as it'll be clear you've been slagging B2B off behind her back, which just adds to the wedding toxicity. Be nice, factual, and don't let things escalate into crazy emotions and guilt tripping. It's really not worth it for a wedding. They're meant to be nice things not a pile of crappy pricey aggro for everyone.

£100 to do some hair and make up at a wedding! I'm in the wrong job.

Do t get dragged in to all of this pantomime of events just to keep the peace as it's not going to work in the long run. You will be poor and cross.

But how do I convey this in a way that isn’t going to totally mess up all the work I’ve put in to rebuilding my relationship with her?

Have there been problems before then?

I just feel as though we’re inadvertently subsidising this extravagant wedding

I don’t think I would want to be friends with someone like this tbh. When you say she is getting married soon, how soon? Is there a possibility of it getting cancelled due to Covid meaning you are likely to lose the money?

Yes also just to add £100 for hair and make up seems very expensive! I had it booked for a (now cancelled) wedding this month and it was £35 for make up and £15 for a blow dry!

@incognitomum read the thread. OP refers to their parents, it’s obvious.

Yes also just to add £100 for hair and make up seems very expensive!

I thought it seemed cheap!! But regardless you should not be paying it, if the bride wants you styled a certain way she should pay. Also don’t stay at the hotel just go subsidise her venue costs!

I think you'll feel worse about her and the wedding for a long time if you just go along with what she wants. You will always regret it and what if you have an emergency that needs money? She is being incredibly selfish and thoughtless. Either way - she will never be your 'favourite' now. The other thing is the virus may change all her plans, even next year.

"I'm so sorry, we really can't afford the hair and make up or the hotel room. We still have bills to pay from our own wedding. We also need a family break away after lockdown and this would mean that is not possible.

It is not the B2B's job to decide how your money should be allocated. Every time she brings it up. "I'm so sorry, we just can't afford it."

She has a bloody cheek and should not be asking that of you. There may be fallout, but just remain calm and hopefully someone else will tell her what an arse she's being.

If B2B is your friend then you may have to accept that this will finish the relationship - she sounds unreasonable. But if it is your sister, then have a family conversation about it including parents just so you get it all out there and she can't twist your words later. Be honest with her, stand your ground.

PPs' message is perfect, and I would go with that. If she kicks off, well she was always going to at some point. You can't walk on eggshells for the rest of your life trying not to upset her.

Her lack of consideration for the costs is really a reflection of how she is as a person, and if she is difficult about it, then she can pay up!