I don’t think I am but how to handle. Wedding fiasco

[PrincessCatapus]

Close relative getting married soon. Up and down relationship but things are going well and eager to keep things good.

Got married myself last year and had B2B as bridesmaid, paid for dresses (let them pick their own style but said about colours), didn’t care about hair/makeup/shoes etc. B2B chose to have makeup done professionally whilst my MoH did mine. All fine, no issues at wedding and she was a great support on the day.

B2B getting married next year in very expensive place and the whole thing is very extravagant but each to their own. I’m trying to be very enthusiastic and supportive and genuinely do want her to have the best day possible. However, costs are becoming a bit much. Been informed that we need to have hair and makeup done at our cost to the tune of around £100. On top of that been guilted into £150 accommodation despite it actually being close to home (have a child so easier to take home) as they’ll have to cover rooms not used and lots of guests have said they’ll go home so she’s stressing about that. Been told we have to buy dress, which is looking at around £100. There’s a gift registry we’ll have to buy a gift from. Drinks at expensive place. Never mind suits for DH and DS’s. Looks like there’s going to be at least 2 maybe 3 hen do’s.

We could technically afford it, but we have a small amount of debt to pay off from our wedding, and live within our means. Want to start saving for a house too and the money this wedding is going to cost would be a lovely holiday for the four of us (we can’t afford one this year regardless of COVID and only managed a cheap staycation last year). Would also note my DPs offered to contribute a hefty sum towards a family holiday as a wedding gift for this year. Obviously COVID hit and they were keen to book earlier in the year so they could afford other relatives wedding (paying for v expensive dress and perhaps more). We’ve told them not to worry and to forget about it. Genuinely don’t mind but stings a bit when weighing up how the money that needs to be spent on this wedding could be spent on a holiday. I’m also loathed to pay more on hair and makeup than I could stomach paying for my own wedding. She needs enough people to be able to have the person she wants but it’s the same with the rooms too. I just feel as though we’re inadvertently subsidising this extravagant wedding after we budgeted accordingly for ours and didn’t ask for anything from anyone as didn’t feel it was fair to expect people to be worrying about money just to attend our wedding.

Also a bit peeved that B2B is getting help from family that we didn’t (we did reject any financial help in fairness) but they’ve now been saying how they’ve managed to start saving for a house and can’t help but feel like we’re sacrificing a family holiday to pay for their expensive wedding whilst they’re still having extravagant birthday gifts/saving for a house etc that we can’t afford.

Sorry for being vague but would really like some advice on what to do. DH thinks we should suck it up as want to keep the relationship good, as do I, really really badly. But I cannot help but feel really put out by all of it. It just doesn’t sit right to keep saying yes to the detriment of my children.

Can I say no? Without damaging the relationship? Or should I just suck this up to keep everything ticking along smoothly.

Another factor is the other bridesmaid and I have spoken and she’s going to go along with whatever I do. She can’t afford it either but also wants to keep the peace and get the feeling she’s thinking if I say yes she’ll look awful if she’s saying no despite the fact I’m dead against it.

@WagnersFourthSymphony you don’t want to know that story! Essentially a couple of years of lots of falling out accumulating in 6 months of no contact after a particularly bad one and me at the end of my tether followed by her being my bridesmaid which seems to have paved the way to things starting afresh. And really want it to stay that way!

In an ideal world we’d just have to budget for our drinks and a small gift but I can’t see that going down too well! I’ll work out what we can afford but without knowing what sort of bonus DH might get(obviously COVID could stop all that too) it’s hard to know exactly. I’d really like us to have a fab holiday before DSS hits teenage years and we’re no longer cool to hang around with so the more money for us the better!

Weddings are an absolute minefield. Friendship group of near on 12 years no longer speaking to me after I came out and said “I can’t afford to go to your hen do abroad, hen do in the uk, wedding abroad and also buy my own dress, my partners suit and sort out all our other self catering food expenses for the time we’re away for the wedding as I have my own life plans than I’m not able to derail for this”.

Literally blocked and deleted on everything by all four of them and haven’t heard a word since.

Jesus @QueenOfPain that’s awful. Fair do’s to you for standing your ground. Do you regret it? Not that I think you should, that sounds ludicrous. I’m just so thankful there’s no hen do abroad!

You don’t have to tell her she is being unreasonable!

Just be calm about your choices and boundaries. Learn to use the word ‘no’. It doesn’t have to be impolite.

Just say, ‘no, that doesn’t work for us’ or equivalent, and stop talking. Smile if you like! Be firm about the room and the make up, and say you’ve set a budget which you will be adhering to.
Of course you totally understand she wants to maximise her experience (three bloody hen do’s is ridiculous and self indulgent) but you will be going to one as you have other financial and time commitments.

I really hate this trend for modern brides to expect the world to treat her wedding like the second coming!
Stand up for yourself, OP!

Don’t allow someone else to damage your finances like this. If she takes it badly then, her loss.

I don’t regret it at all, tbh. The friendship can’t have been as strong and mutually beneficial as it has appeared if that is how quickly it was dropped.

Like you, I’ve no intention of spending a massive amount on my own wedding, would ideally like a registry office/council house wedding, with a bit of a (pub/restaurant) meal afterwards with immediate family. Cost for ex friends wedding for us we’re getting towards the £3k mark and I don’t think the wedding that I desire would even cost that much.

Sorry but in the nicest possible way you sound afraid of her/of saying no to her. A good friendship should not be based on one party being in constant fear of losing the friendship and not feeling able to be honest and just going along with everything. You say you really really want to keep the friendship and its had its ups and downs etc. Sounds like hard work to me. A very good friend of mine got married on a cruise ship and really wanted DH and l to attend. We looked on the website and the price and said no. She was very disappointed but we were at her night do at a local venue when they came back and she shared lots of pics, videos etc and wore her dress again.. Guess what, we're still good friends. . Tell her you accept her invitation but you will not be staying at the hotel. No one but you should decide your sleeping arrangements ffs. A work colleague bridezilla did this and had a hissy fit when two colleagues decided to share a room to cut costs. She had one in tears, told them both they were letting her down etc. Ridiculous. Stick to your guns and if she kicks off and ends the friendship, you have made no great loss.

She's being a total diva. To be a bit blunt it sounds like your friendship may be a bit uneven, and it sounds like she's the dominant friend. I say this because of your wording about keeping her on side and the way you refer to past drama. I say this because I am the placator who usually gets walked all over too, so I see the signs.

If you feel need to be Gentle and supportive, of course, do so. A very simple 'look, I've totted up the wedding costs and its coming outside my budget'. Can we have a look and see where I can cut costs and still be involved? Exactly what you said really.

I would have a list as so, and just tell her while you love and support her vision, you simply can't justify spending £1000 (or however much) on her wedding

Make up 100

Accommodation 150

Dress 100

Hen do

Gift

Kids clothing

Dh clothing

Drinks

I suspect no matter what you do or say, and no matter how softly you approach it, it won't end well.

Im being kind here, don't let people walk all over you. I surreal from experience. Any good friend worth their salt won't give a shit and will try to incorporate you in a lower budget.

She, I suspect, Won't.

Please don't get into your finances in detail - none of her fucking business to be Frank, especially if she already has a good idea that you would be sacrificing a holiday with your children, Purely to indulge in her whimsy. I'm married and my bridesmaid let me down at the last minute, despite me going above and beyond to accommodate her. She gave me a terrible time and it's ruined our friendship.

Good luck. Stay strong 💪

I’m not clear why this person is so important to you. You sound a little bit scared of her.

Friends should enhance your life. Does she do that for you?

You are correct in your post title FIASCO.
I very much frown on big expensive weddings, when the bride is making so many rules about all the things connected to the wedding, as in expensive makeup stuff, expensive rooms to stay in, and worst,expensive wedding presents lists, not to mention several hen do's.
I would not wish to go to a wedding like that,, but obviously you do wan't to attend, but if any of the money matters are bothering you, you should make it known, nothing wrong with that. You have to be realistic about money, and your own values.

@PrincessCatapus

She wants everyone’s makeup the same and I’m pretty pants with makeup but was going to ask my friend to do it for me (same one who did for my wedding).

I agree wholeheartedly with you all. I really do. But how do I convey this in a way that isn’t going to totally mess up all the work I’ve put in to rebuilding my relationship with her? Or am I inevitably going to have to just deal with the fall out?

Other bridesmaid would be relived I think if i started the ball rolling saying no.

I'm wondering why you are so keen to preserve this relationship. She sounds selfish, inconsiderate and presumptuous.

Let the fallout be almighty. A true friend would understand the financial strain and excuse you from bridesmaid duty, welcoming you as an honored guest. What kind of person makes her demands knowing it would cost a friend's family their annual bonus/holiday?

No matter what the B2B wants if YOU are not comfortable or able to able to pay for it say NO!
No one can expect or demand anyone to pay for what they want. She wants extravagance it must come from her own pocket. You are not in any shape or form obligated to cater to all that she desires.

Does she not know that we are in recession?

Surely a simpler wedding would make more sense especially if she can’t pay for it all?

Lastly she should be a bit more understanding that not everyone can afford her wants, tastes or expectation!

So sorry for the mistakes

Presumably it’s your sister. It sounds like you feel pleased with yourself for refusing your parents’ help, and are now resenting her for accepting the cash that would have otherwise gone to you.

Then on top of that she wants you to pay for your own hair/makeup etc. as she is not willing to cut her cloth.

I suspect that there will be massive fall out if you don’t go along with it all, but the breakdown in the relationship would happen sooner or later anyway, so better do it before you’ve shelled out all the cash.

It just doesn’t sit right to keep saying yes to the detriment of my children

This. Is the 'close relative' b2b your sister op? Then I understand your feelings about wanting desperately to maintain the relationship. BUT if you agree to not only sacrifice your holiday/debt repayment plan AS WELL AS increase your debt, then from your side your relationship will suffer anyway due to resentment.

I'd be doing my sums. Assume dh won't be getting his bonus this year and any overtime is cancelled. It is OK to not go to any of the hen dos, but if you want to go to one, ask which she would prefer you to attend. The hotel accomodation is a no-brainer if its close to home.

You budgeted for your own wedding accordingly (and still have outstanding debt from it which you are paying off). It's not your responsibility to fund her dream wedding - it's a year away, and she still has plenty of time to find an affordable MUA, folk to stay over to eek out the sole use of the hotel costs etc. Hell, in a year she can begin from scratch and plan a new, affordable wedding! Hair, make-up, dress should not be the bridesmaids responsibility to pay for unless mutually agreed with a budget that suits all.

Blame Covid for the loss of dh bonus if you need an excuse - perfectly reasonable that employers are already warning staff not to expect bonuses.

Your own dc come first, and your close family. If your parents are struggling to come up with the cash, they need to pull the reins in too. Bride cannot expect a dream wedding that everyone else is subsidising.

I'm guessing this is your sister/SIL? Hence the need to avoid the fall out. Still, she's BU and you seem to be held hostage to her feelings, I wouldn't live like that.

Just be honest and tell her that you can't afford it all. It's way too much. At the very least I would be saying I'd do my own hair and make up and be staying at home rather than paying for a room in this place. I also find it very odd that anyone would insist on people paying a professional make up artist for a wedding? I would have thought that either she would pay for everyone herself as a treat of she's very fussy about a certain "look" for photos, or get a quick show of hands as to who wants to chip in for it and everyone who doesn't just sorts themselves out. Why does it matter to her that everyone else gets professional make up?

I know that some people want big lavish weddings and I have no issue with that. People should do whatever they want for their big (or small!) day. But if you want the big lavish do with all the trappings then it costs you an arm and a leg. You can't expect other people to fund it all. That's just life.

OP, truth though is that you won’t be preventing a massive fallout, you’ll only be delaying it. Because someone who is that demanding and refuses to see any reason will find something else to fall out with you all eventually.

It’s very simple.

“We’re going to be staying at home because it’s close enough.”

No arguments, no discussion, just tel her like that.

“I’m going to get x to do my makeup.

“I won’t be able to make hen do two and three” (is it just me that didn’t even have one hen do?)

You don’t have to reason some of these demands to justify them. You can just say no, especially things like hotel room stays when your own house is just up the road.

My mum didn’t come up for my wedding until the morning because she wanted to get her hair done by her own hairdresser. Not only that, she had my wedding cake and it was the hottest day of the year. She expressed some fear that the cake could melt, and when someone asked her what she’d do she said “I’ll just go into M&S and buy one of those off the shelf ones.” it never occurred to me to create a fuss over any of it, as long as they were all there.

If I get married again I’ll be popping down to a registry office one lunchtime and just get it done.

This family fallout is inevitable anyway.

Set a reasonable budget for this wedding, within your means, and stick to it.

It’s really concerning that you feel like it would be detrimental to your friendship if you tell her you cannot/will not spend money you don’t have on her wedding. She does not sound like a real friend to me.

I think you’ll regret it if you do end up spending more than you like and it will not end well regardless.

What an entitled b2b. Wayyy to much money to spend for dresses and accommodation and hair and make up and drinks and hen do's

Just say no.

QueenOfPain you're well rid! Hope you have some real friends?

And please don't get drawn into any discussions about justifying your budget. Please don't talk about any holiday you were planning, or any other fripperies anything else you might spend money on. Just £x as the absolute liimit. End of.

Goodness, she sounds hard work.
for the day.

Can't believe you have to buy your own dress. Surely other things should be your choice. B2B sounds bossy.

OP is discussing her sister’s wedding and I detect a little jealousy in that her sister is planning a more extravagant wedding than she had; and is receiving help from their parents. OP, why not have a grown up conversation with your family as you have confused posters by not making clear it is your sister you are referring to.

Just say you can't afford it, and obviously neither can they if they are asking bridesmaids to pay for wedding expenses which usually fall to the bride and groom. If she is as much of an arse as she sounds it will probably mean she sacks you as a bridesmaid and you lose the "friendship", but from where I'm standing that sounds like a win all round.

bevelino how do you know?